HalfAlive22 Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 One of the big reasons I decided to leave my H, is because I couldn't stop thinking about what he did, it ran through my head almost all day everyday for over 2 years, my question is this, Once you leave your M does it go away? I know not right away probably, but does it bring some kind of peace when you leave..I have no more room in my head and it's driving me crazy!
soserious1 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I wish I could tell you that it will fade but in my case it hasn't. This may be because I'm court ordered to pay my cheating ex-husband alimony for life, every month when I have to write that check, every time I have to say "no" to a trip or a treat that I can't afford after paying him, I remember what he did and feel such a sense of total, utter defeat & humiliation
Author HalfAlive22 Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 I wish I could tell you that it will fade but in my case it hasn't. This may be because I'm court ordered to pay my cheating ex-husband alimony for life, every month when I have to write that check, every time I have to say "no" to a trip or a treat that I can't afford after paying him, I remember what he did and feel such a sense of total, utter defeat & humiliation Omg! That seems so wrong,how is that fair? Well that wont happen for me,he makes more than me and i dont want anything from him but child support!
carrie999 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I wish I could tell you that it will fade but in my case it hasn't. This may be because I'm court ordered to pay my cheating ex-husband alimony for life, every month when I have to write that check, every time I have to say "no" to a trip or a treat that I can't afford after paying him, I remember what he did and feel such a sense of total, utter defeat & humiliation That's horrible!!! How is that even remotely possible?
soserious1 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 That's horrible!!! How is that even remotely possible? It's called "no fault divorce" his marital conduct wasn't considered in the settlement, his status as a stay at home husband, his age & his history of back problems was. The judge said he had every sympathy for me but that he couldn't allow me to transfer responsibility for my dependent onto the taxpayers of this state.
soserious1 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 It happens all the time but much more frequently the male partner is the higher-earning individual and the female is the stay at home parent, so the male ends up paying the alimony even if the spouse is a cheater. The only thing unusual about soserious's situation is the reversal of the genders. Now you know how all those divorced fathers cutting alimony checks to lazy cheating wives who sat on their butts at home for the whole marriage feel. That's why a lot of them are extremely bitter. $2,750 per month in spousal support with a yearly COLA (which really stinks because I won't see any sort of raise for the next 2 yrs due to the economy) full medical & dental plus co-pays) he also got 50% of my savings and money market accts, got to keep his IRA, got a valuated share of my pension plan. I was given all of the marital debts & court ordered to pay his legal fee's. The only thing I walked away with is this house which I owned outright prior to marriage and trust me they fought long and hard to try to get a big chunk of it. I will NEVER have any relationship aside of the most fleeting, brief sexual encounters ever again, I cannot afford to take the risk.
carrie999 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 It happens all the time but much more frequently the male partner is the higher-earning individual and the female is the stay at home parent, so the male ends up paying the alimony even if the spouse is a cheater. The only thing unusual about soserious's situation is the reversal of the genders. Now you know how all those divorced fathers cutting alimony checks to lazy cheating wives who sat on their butts at home for the whole marriage feel. That's why a lot of them are extremely bitter. Wow!!! I work in a surgical setting, and I've heard dozens of surgeons complain bitterly about alimony. In most of these cases, they cheated on their wives who supported them throughout school/residency, and their wives (or husbands), in turn, hired expensive lawyers who took them to the cleaners. True, I have heard of the "reverse" version where the deadbeat wife sits home and collects spousal support. I didn't realize that cheaters aren't punished when caught, though. I f marriage is a contract, and one person violates the terms of the contract, how is it legally possible for the contract to still be valid in terms of finances? This just doesn't seem reasonable. Even worse is the fact that the cheater, when caught, doesn't just walk away with his tail between his legs and be grateful there are no further consequences, considering infidelity is technically illegal. (Or so I thought?) I'm sorry, soserious. What an utter POS your ex is. I can't imagine ever marrying again in your situation, but I hope you learn to trust people again.
SadDazedConfused Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I was just about to post a question about this very topic. I too am really having a problem trying to stop thinking about what my husband did with the other women. The sexual images are really hard to stop thinking about. Does anyone have any advice? I am still with my husband and we are trying to work things out, so I'm a little different than the original poster.
Steadfast Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Consider first that I firmly believed my ex wife was the love of my life. Overall, that is how I treated her but after three-years of introspection (needed in large part, because she fried my brain by re-writing our marriage) I have to say I was a pretty damn good husband. I was supportive, encouraging, loving, not overly critical but I also didn't take anything from her that was unfounded or baseless. I wasn't perfect and now recognize some controlling behavior. I'm still not perfect. Surprise! For the deeper stuff, you'd have to ask her but from where I am, she strayed without really thinking it through. Now, it really does seem like she lives with regret. More than me I think, but I still have my days. Milestones, like graduations, anniversaries, birthdays and the odd Holiday can be bittersweet. It all weighs in on how I healed/am healing and why. I demanded that my ex leave, even knowing it might put her deeper into the activity that caused the split to begin with. She dived right into the deep end. It was the hardest thing I have ever done...letting her go. Free as a bird she sowed her wild oats; our two teens and I left behind to fend for ourselves. Weeks turned into months, months into a year before the divorce was final. Life was up and down for me...a rebound relationship, kids rebelling, massive financial issues. My father passing away. Dark days. For me and for my kids I forgave her. I found freedom in being kind to her...not kissing her ass, just not being hostile. Slowly the pain passed and as I started living life and forging ahead, the joy slowly returned to the things I had always been passionate about. Her reaction isn't important in the scope of this discussion, but I gained strength in watching her reach for a rope that was no longer there. I prayed, let her off the hook in my heart and felt more (strange) freedom in accepting the fact that she didn't love me. Lots of women don't love me...most all? I can survive. Maybe, just maybe someone would love me again. Love me for me...not for some ***ed up reason that's open to change, whim, drama or immaturity. The pain leaves with them...eventually, and if you do the work. You must. I will NEVER have any relationship aside of the most fleeting, brief sexual encounters ever again, I cannot afford to take the risk. That doesn't sound very appealing. I know the bottom line is important but there are men that could care less about your money. Don't let the greed and dishonor of one man cheat you out of the most valuable thing of all.
PinkInTheLimo Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 $2,750 per month in spousal support with a yearly COLA (which really stinks because I won't see any sort of raise for the next 2 yrs due to the economy) full medical & dental plus co-pays) he also got 50% of my savings and money market accts, got to keep his IRA, got a valuated share of my pension plan. I was given all of the marital debts & court ordered to pay his legal fee's. The only thing I walked away with is this house which I owned outright prior to marriage and trust me they fought long and hard to try to get a big chunk of it. I will NEVER have any relationship aside of the most fleeting, brief sexual encounters ever again, I cannot afford to take the risk. I think that in your case I would feel like hiring some to kill him. Seriously, this is so incredibly unfair. And it actually makes me doubt if I ever will marry (it's something that I always have wanted) because I have a well-paid job and in my country there is a new divorce law since a couple of years which gives the partner with the lowest income the right to alimony. OK, it can maximum be a 3rd of the income of the partner with the highest income but in my case that would be a nice amount. How long have you been married? How old is your ex (I hope old so that the chances he dies soon are big)? Did he not have a job when you married or did he stop working in the course of your marriage? Will this settlement last if he finds another partner? I wonder if it is possible to include in a prenup that there won't be any alimony in the case of a divorce? I have no man in sight but let it be very clear that I won't marry unless I have a watertight guarantee that it won't make me poorer in the case of a divorce. I don't mind taking the risk that my heart will be broken but I won't take the risk that my bankaccount will be broken as well!
PegNosePete Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 That's horrible!!! How is that even remotely possible? It happens all the time to men, and nobody even raises an eyebrow in surprise.
Woggle Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 It happens all the time to men, and nobody even raises an eyebrow in surprise. Very true. Wrong is wrong and it shouldn't happen to anybody of either gender but men have dealt with this kind of thing for years and now that more women are becoming the main earner the misery is being spread around. This is all the more reason to end the concept of alimony which is outdated. Nobody should have to keep paying their ex just because a relationship ended. Misandrists think they are getting over on men when they bleed us dry but injustice to anybody hurts everybody and here is an example. While the crap I went through in my divorce still stings sometimes I am glad that the judge saw through her crap and gave her nothing. In the end I have a great life and she is a total trainwreck who threw her life away so karma got her in the end.
Eclypse Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 That's true. It happens to men all the time but no one gives a crap for us. That said, it is pretty horrible and no one deserves that to happen to themselves, regardless of gender. Funny, all my uncles gave me very strong warnings to never get married. If she decides to leave you she gets the house, the kids, everything and you go under the bridge. Worst of all is you pay the support, bills etc and keep her and new bf happy. Ah well, perhaps they were having down moments while talking to me but that is sadly what happens. I think once you get divorced it should be every person for themselves. None of this support crap, unless there are very special (rare) circumstances. Divorce laws are currently very unfair and it's too risky to get married these days or you could end up like poor soserious and supporting a deadbeat
redtail Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 One of the big reasons I decided to leave my H, is because I couldn't stop thinking about what he did, it ran through my head almost all day everyday for over 2 years... Exactly, I too could not stay for similar reasons. That and my ex-wife lied about no longer seeing the OM. my question is this, Once you leave your M does it go away? I know not right away probably, but does it bring some kind of peace when you leave..I have no more room in my head and it's driving me crazy! Absolutely it goes away, like taking out the trash! It kept getting better and better and my self esteem went up each day she was out of my life. No worries, life gets better!
love4me2c Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Frankly the minute I moved out I didn't really think about it anymore. Maybe I'm strange but just being in the same environment and looking at his dastardly face every day was killing me. Occasionally I will think about it, but not for very long.
reboot Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I still think about it occasionally, but there's no pain involved anymore. It's kind of like when you broke your arm when you were 9. You remember there was pain, but you don't really remember what it felt like.
nyrias Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 That's true. It happens to men all the time but no one gives a crap for us. That said, it is pretty horrible and no one deserves that to happen to themselves, regardless of gender. Funny, all my uncles gave me very strong warnings to never get married. If she decides to leave you she gets the house, the kids, everything and you go under the bridge. Worst of all is you pay the support, bills etc and keep her and new bf happy. Ah well, perhaps they were having down moments while talking to me but that is sadly what happens. I think once you get divorced it should be every person for themselves. None of this support crap, unless there are very special (rare) circumstances. Divorce laws are currently very unfair and it's too risky to get married these days or you could end up like poor soserious and supporting a deadbeat Well, i disagree. Kids need to be supported. You should not be able to just leave and shed the financial responsibilities of raising them.
GorillaTheater Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Well, i disagree. Kids need to be supported. You should not be able to just leave and shed the financial responsibilities of raising them. Agreed, but I think the issue was alimony, particularly life-time alimony, not child support.
Mr.Harris Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Well, i disagree. Kids need to be supported. You should not be able to just leave and shed the financial responsibilities of raising them. Well that's a grey area.
PinkInTheLimo Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 I will NEVER have any relationship aside of the most fleeting, brief sexual encounters ever again, I cannot afford to take the risk. I understand your fear and bitterness but it does not have to be this way. It sounds like you are a professional woman with a good income so why would you not be able to meet a guy who has a good income himself? Even if you don't marry and just live together, you might have a very good life together. There are plenty of men with a good income who would not dream of living off a woman. Of course it will always bug you that you have to pay that alimony but if you find a new partner with whom you can share the costs of life, it will be less hard on you.
Mr.Harris Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 I understand your fear and bitterness but it does not have to be this way. It sounds like you are a professional woman with a good income so why would you not be able to meet a guy who has a good income himself? Even if you don't marry and just live together, you might have a very good life together. There are plenty of men with a good income who would not dream of living off a woman. Of course it will always bug you that you have to pay that alimony but if you find a new partner with whom you can share the costs of life, it will be less hard on you. It's not bitterness just because she no longer wants an emotional relationship from another man.
soserious1 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 I understand your fear and bitterness but it does not have to be this way. It sounds like you are a professional woman with a good income so why would you not be able to meet a guy who has a good income himself? Even if you don't marry and just live together, you might have a very good life together. There are plenty of men with a good income who would not dream of living off a woman. Of course it will always bug you that you have to pay that alimony but if you find a new partner with whom you can share the costs of life, it will be less hard on you. It's not a question of "Fear" or 'bitterness" but rather evidence that I'm smart enough to learn from my mistakes. Nobody puts his name on my mailbox ever again, I cannot afford another relationship mistake. I'm quite happy to settle for light casual dates with no strings attached sex. As for the rest, I am reminded every single day of what a stupid,stupid idiot I was, as I get dressed for work all I can think about is how I have to go and get my ex-husband's money for him and that I'll go to jail if I don't.. lol,that reality kills any urge or desire for another relationship
John Michael Kane Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 It's not a question of "Fear" or 'bitterness" but rather evidence that I'm smart enough to learn from my mistakes. Nobody puts his name on my mailbox ever again, I cannot afford another relationship mistake. I'm quite happy to settle for light casual dates with no strings attached sex. As for the rest, I am reminded every single day of what a stupid,stupid idiot I was, as I get dressed for work all I can think about is how I have to go and get my ex-husband's money for him and that I'll go to jail if I don't.. lol,that reality kills any urge or desire for another relationship Don't worry love, you're not alone. I still have to see ex-tramp when I hand over my little one to her. He'll know who his mother really is when he gets older.
soserious1 Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Don't worry love, you're not alone. I still have to see ex-tramp when I hand over my little one to her. He'll know who his mother really is when he gets older. I am very glad my ex & I had no children together,even though the divorce settlement negatively impacts my adult children as I won't be leaving them much of anything. I can't imagine having to try to civilly & pleasantly co-parent a child with someone who betrayed me. My heart goes out to you.
John Michael Kane Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 I am very glad my ex & I had no children together,even though the divorce settlement negatively impacts my adult children as I won't be leaving them much of anything. I can't imagine having to try to civilly & pleasantly co-parent a child with someone who betrayed me. My heart goes out to you. Thanks. Wish you well also.
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