DrWife Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 So here's the breakdown: My H, is a wonderful man with a very kind heart. However, sometimes when we disagree he yells and slams doors and makes vague threats to my son, eg "I'm fixing to use that fly swatter for something else if you don't listen!" as well as just generally being harsh with him and very criticizing. I understand he has anxiety issues and does not control his emotions as well as I do, and I don't put all the blame on him for the stress he has over my son who can be quite difficult despite consistent discipline. But we have tried books on marriage, talking, making lists to get on the same page with parenting rules, etcetera. We cannot afford health insurance to see a marriage counselor. Also I have a bad history with domestic violence and living with people with severe mental illness and addiction problems, so I know I draw a very hard and unforgiving line on the no yelling thing. I'm constructive about expressing it but there's really no wiggle room in my mind as far as that is concerned, because posturing, raised voices, yelling, slamming doors, that behavior completely triggers my fight or flight response and while I do maintain my composure inside it is traumatizing for me. It has really gotten to the breaking point in the last couple of weeks where I just will not tolerate the behavior any more. I love him and I want my marriage to work. I believe much of his stress may stem from the fact that we really rushed into getting married when we should have dated for longer and waited longer to move in together. I think it is a lot for him to take in being on his own most of his life and suddenly he has a wife and a 6 year old son to look after. Anyway- what I need is a plan of action. I told him I don't WANT to live separately but I can't live the way things are right now and that I am open to any other ideas he has for what we can do to improve things. He says... "maybe we can get some marriage books on audio tape instead." I asked him, kindly and calmly, "how would having the books on audio tape make them more effective?". And he said "I don't know. I can't think of anything." He has been silent and depressed ever since we had the discussion where I suggested maybe we should consider living separately. Maybe we should start at the beginning so our marriage can THRIVE, because right now the way it is, is not working. I was emphatic I do love him, I want it to work, I do not want to live separately, but I really NEED his help to fix this. Since then I asked him what he's thinking about, he's been so quiet today and he just says "just thinking that you can't stand to live with me anymore." I told him "I never said that, I never thought that. I love you and I want this to work but I also need to be respected by you and for us to have a clear idea of what our boundaries are. And I need your help to figure out how to fix it because I don't want to leave you." He just sat there silent, sulking. And just in case anyone is wondering no I do not think it is all his fault...I have taken many actions myself to improve my own behaviors and am fully willing to accept culpability for my role. For example there were two instances where I disagreed w/his parenting decisions in front of my son, I was completely wrong for that and I conceded to it and said I would never do it again, and I haven't. I have largely altered how I communicate to him to meet his 'love language' which is verbal affirmation and physical affection- he needs to be told he is important and touched a lot. So I made a list of things I need to do daily to meet his love needs- cuddle in the morning and at night, give him at least one compliment a day, etcetera. We have regular sex, meaning weekly or more often than that. And I give him a massage sometimes. His happiness improved greatly once I started taking these measures. So I am doing the work and will continue to take responsibility AND action. I'd just like to see some action from him! I am afraid he feels powerless and dejected, no matter how much I affirm to him that I love him. So I'm here looking for advice on alternatives to marriage counseling for us. Something we can actually DO. Because his apologies and promises to 'never do that again', they haven't changed anything. And we've done nothing but read marriage books since we got hitched and answer the questions and do the exercises and make lists for each other and all that these types of books will typically ask you to do to strengthen your marriage. I really don't want to live separately. And I really can't live like this. Please help.
tornintexas Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 A lot of colleges offering psych degrees also offer very cheap or even free counseling. It's high quality and each session has a certified professional available as well. If your a person of faith check out the local churches. Not sure about your area but those are valid options here.
Author DrWife Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 A lot of colleges offering psych degrees also offer very cheap or even free counseling. It's high quality and each session has a certified professional available as well. If your a person of faith check out the local churches. Not sure about your area but those are valid options here. I emailed the psychology dept at the university here and no responses so far. We're both agnostic and don't go to church but I'm hoping to hear back from the university.
Steen719 Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 This would take some time, but if you go through the counselor's websites in your area, you may find some who will see you on a sliding scale. They usually advertise that. Some "holistic" or "wellness" counseling centers are more apt to do this and although you might need to make sure they are not too far out (floating in pools, sauna therapy, i.e.) for you, this might help you. Is your H a veteran? You could also get some help that way. Good luck.
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