I'm afraid of how long I dated & waited for her

[I miss you]

First off a long story short: When I was 13 I got my first computer of my passed grandpa. I had no idea about the internet, or even what love was. I had no intention of falling in love online, or becoming a geek. I used to have a social life until I got a computer. My friend showed me a game he played, so I joined, and eventually met a girl online. We were playing together and we became friends that day.

 

About a month passed and I actually asked her out online... She's on the opposite side of the USA, and I'm on the other end. Well we started dating, we eventually fell in love. I had no idea what love was and I had no idea this would happen, but I fell in love and so did she.

 

5 years passed and we broke up, we were like 17 years old. I remember we broke up because I wasn't on the computer as much as I used to be. I started playing high school sports I played water polo and never told her about it, I regret not telling her because it caused us to break up. Well I eventually told her the truth and it was too late, she was already dating a local guy & another guy online. She didn't want to date me because she didn't want to cheat.

 

Well eventually 1 year later they both broke up and I'm still waiting for her, then she dates another guy online. Another year has passed and they break up and I finally have a chance.

 

So I'm trying to get her back now and we're both 19 years old. I love her to death and I never moved on. I don't want to move on. I want her, I spent half my life with her and when I was with her it was the greatest time of my life.

 

And now when i finally have a chance with her again, she says she wants to date local guys now and not online date anymore because how much that they failed and stuff. She won't date me online, but says she would date me if I was there.

 

She wants to date local guys now, she said "sitting here alone sucks, and I only have a few people to talk to"

 

But I waited for you... for 2 years.

 

I want to see you, but I'm afraid you don't really want to see me. You wish I was there, you say you'd date me if I was there, but you won't wait for me.

 

I really want to see her, and I will. This year I will, but I'm just... I've got a feeling inside that really hurts. I love her so much, and she's lost that loving feeling, she won't wait for me, has she just forgotten who I am to her? Or is it too late... she is interested in others. I feel like I wasted my life sometimes because of how this panned out.

 

If I move to her I will change my major to the medical area since that's the only professional job I can get over there. If I didn't move I'd stay in California and finish my computer engineering major. But at this point I can't even focus on college without having the need to see her now. So it's why I need to see her this year, I need to see her and just hug her and kiss her once, so all this hard work I did to keep her and see her wasn't for nothing.

 

I feel so sad and afraid right now. I'm moving out of my parents house, as soon as I can make $5,000 so I can go and see her.

 

Can someone help me I'm crying my heart out:'(

Edited June 15, 2011 by I miss you

[aerogurl87]

At 19 years of age, most people do want to date locally. I got into a LDR when I was 19 and it ended horribly. If I'd known then what I know now, then I wouldn't have even dated my now ex boyfriend. Who knows we could even be friends. But my point is, go see her if you can, but don't put too much stock into being with her romantically. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. But don't have high expectations, just go see her if you can and have fun. If it's meant to work out, it will though. But don't build your life around this girl who lives halfway across the country and whom you've never even met in person yet.

[WhisperinnWinds]

So from my understanding, you've never physically met her over the last 6 years?

 

What you're describing is often an inherent problem of a long-distance relationship that starts and is carried out primarily online when people are too young to really have the means to see each other. You're now both at the point in your lives where you have some autonomy in your decisions (you're older than 18). But at the same time, you've spent several years in a relationship with her, and for the past two you've been pining away for her.

 

Whatever you do - please don't decide to uproot your life before you've even met the girl at least several times. Relationships are different online versus what they are in person. I've met plenty of folks who had me feeling that rushing feeling - and then when we met in person it all just fell flat.

 

A lot of what we envision about people is idealized. We learn things we like about another person, and then we fill in the rest with our fantasies. It's one of the reasons why I think that online romances need to go offline as soon as possible. You need to meet. Not necessarily move close to each other, but see each other in person. In your case, you're going to have that opportunity significantly later in whatever relationship you have with this woman.

 

But she's giving you all the signals that she's done. She's dating other guys and she understands that long-distance dating has some significant drawbacks. My question for you is this: do you think that you have chased an LDR to cover for problems in your own life? A fear of intimacy? Of the kind of relationship where you can drive to see your girlfriend in 10 or 20 minutes?

 

I ask because it seems very common for men - not as much with women - to pursue long-distance relationships because it allows them a great deal of distance. Often, they have some anti-social tendencies. They may feel that even if things go south, they're not as connected to an LDR as they are to one where they might see the girl several times a week. It's a safety net, of sorts. But only you can look at your situation and try to realize if your infatuation with her is because she's 'safe' or because you genuinely have feelings for her.

 

But then there's also the matter of your age. You're only 19. You're clearly in college, so you've probably got another 2 or 3 years of undergrad to go (if not more afterward). I think that LDRs have much better odds of success when the couple is older (post-college), reasonably well-earning, and willing to talk out who's going to relocate if things get serious. With the way you talk about this girl, it seems you are really hoping she's going to be the one for you for life and not just someone you date for fun or to get experience - and that may be a problem. Not only because of your age, but the fact that the distance on top of that makes it an unlikely venture.

 

Relationships come and go, friend. But you're going to be stuck with some of the decisions that you make for the rest of your life. I'm not saying that you shouldn't experiment - but if you take off to be near this girl, what if what you thought was real suddenly pops in your face? Suddenly you're in a strange city, alone, at a college studying a degree that may not be your first choice. Likely little financial support, and little emotional support (unless you're very prepared beforehand).

 

Oftentimes, people also idealize their first relationships. I'd bet a lot of people have very positive memories of their first time around. Why? Because it's full of those first-time rushes. And it's apparent you have romanticized what you've had with this girl - you express that you've shared a large part of your life, so far, with her. While that's true, it doesn't mean she will be in your life forever. It doesn't mean she can't be, but it doesn't mean that because she had front stage once before, she should have it for the rest of your life.

 

You are going to grow older and you are going to meet more people. I wish someone had told me that at 19. I remember freaking out, eagerly looking for someone to date, feeling so old and feeling so eager for someone to love. I felt like everything I had experienced to that point would be what I experienced forever - that was would always have to be.

 

She's moved on with her life. It is time to start trying to move on with yours. Get involved in some clubs at your university - start interning, get a job, go out with your friends more often, volunteer, and so forth. You will meet a bunch of new people. And maybe you will even meet someone who makes you think of Other-Side-of-the-Country girl and go, "Who?"

 

Best of luck to you. Of course, there's nothing wrong with dating online - but as I'd advise anyone at your age, have realistic expectations. Many people at 19 are not looking for a life partner, nor are they ready to settle down.

[I miss you]

At 19 years of age, most people do want to date locally. I got into a LDR when I was 19 and it ended horribly. If I'd known then what I know now, then I wouldn't have even dated my now ex boyfriend. Who knows we could even be friends. But my point is, go see her if you can, but don't put too much stock into being with her romantically. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. But don't have high expectations, just go see her if you can and have fun. If it's meant to work out, it will though. But don't build your life around this girl who lives halfway across the country and whom you've never even met in person yet.

 

Thanks a lot. I will visit her and instead of changing my whole life I'll just visit her for a few months and see if we'll work out. I will try not to have high expectations I just will try to be myself.

 

So from my understanding, you've never physically met her over the last 6 years?

 

What you're describing is often an inherent problem of a long-distance relationship that starts and is carried out primarily online when people are too young to really have the means to see each other. You're now both at the point in your lives where you have some autonomy in your decisions (you're older than 18). But at the same time, you've spent several years in a relationship with her, and for the past two you've been pining away for her.

 

Whatever you do - please don't decide to uproot your life before you've even met the girl at least several times. Relationships are different online versus what they are in person. I've met plenty of folks who had me feeling that rushing feeling - and then when we met in person it all just fell flat.

 

A lot of what we envision about people is idealized. We learn things we like about another person, and then we fill in the rest with our fantasies. It's one of the reasons why I think that online romances need to go offline as soon as possible. You need to meet. Not necessarily move close to each other, but see each other in person. In your case, you're going to have that opportunity significantly later in whatever relationship you have with this woman.

 

But she's giving you all the signals that she's done. She's dating other guys and she understands that long-distance dating has some significant drawbacks. My question for you is this: do you think that you have chased an LDR to cover for problems in your own life? A fear of intimacy? Of the kind of relationship where you can drive to see your girlfriend in 10 or 20 minutes?

 

I ask because it seems very common for men - not as much with women - to pursue long-distance relationships because it allows them a great deal of distance. Often, they have some anti-social tendencies. They may feel that even if things go south, they're not as connected to an LDR as they are to one where they might see the girl several times a week. It's a safety net, of sorts. But only you can look at your situation and try to realize if your infatuation with her is because she's 'safe' or because you genuinely have feelings for her.

 

But then there's also the matter of your age. You're only 19. You're clearly in college, so you've probably got another 2 or 3 years of undergrad to go (if not more afterward). I think that LDRs have much better odds of success when the couple is older (post-college), reasonably well-earning, and willing to talk out who's going to relocate if things get serious. With the way you talk about this girl, it seems you are really hoping she's going to be the one for you for life and not just someone you date for fun or to get experience - and that may be a problem. Not only because of your age, but the fact that the distance on top of that makes it an unlikely venture.

 

Relationships come and go, friend. But you're going to be stuck with some of the decisions that you make for the rest of your life. I'm not saying that you shouldn't experiment - but if you take off to be near this girl, what if what you thought was real suddenly pops in your face? Suddenly you're in a strange city, alone, at a college studying a degree that may not be your first choice. Likely little financial support, and little emotional support (unless you're very prepared beforehand).

 

Oftentimes, people also idealize their first relationships. I'd bet a lot of people have very positive memories of their first time around. Why? Because it's full of those first-time rushes. And it's apparent you have romanticized what you've had with this girl - you express that you've shared a large part of your life, so far, with her. While that's true, it doesn't mean she will be in your life forever. It doesn't mean she can't be, but it doesn't mean that because she had front stage once before, she should have it for the rest of your life.

 

You are going to grow older and you are going to meet more people. I wish someone had told me that at 19. I remember freaking out, eagerly looking for someone to date, feeling so old and feeling so eager for someone to love. I felt like everything I had experienced to that point would be what I experienced forever - that was would always have to be.

 

She's moved on with her life. It is time to start trying to move on with yours. Get involved in some clubs at your university - start interning, get a job, go out with your friends more often, volunteer, and so forth. You will meet a bunch of new people. And maybe you will even meet someone who makes you think of Other-Side-of-the-Country girl and go, "Who?"

 

Best of luck to you. Of course, there's nothing wrong with dating online - but as I'd advise anyone at your age, have realistic expectations. Many people at 19 are not looking for a life partner, nor are they ready to settle down.

 

Is it okay if I visit her a few times before I decide to move on or not? I feel attached and I don't want to let go. She tells me she wants me to come she wants to meet me in person, and she told me she'd hang out with me as much as she could. I am preparing to be okay and have a plan to move back in with my parents. I want to tell my parents I was going on vacation and I'd be back soon.

 

She told me she wants to have a serious relationship and I do too, I'm not interested in dating any other girls except for her, I want to meet her and see if we can still work, I love her. Do you think if our personalities were true we could still work in person?:\ I know the fantasies maybe won't be there but the person still would be.