Over 5 months + I love my ex bf more than ever!

[RuinedLife]

Hello people,

 

Back again. I know everyone is tired of my attention seeking behavior (and I fully admit thats what this is) but really I have to come here. Because as sad as it is, apart from my family you guys here on LS are my only friends and I'm stuck in bed or on the sofa every day now so there is little I can do to distract myself from my heartache, other than watch TV, DVDs, browse the internet, read, draw and write poetry, fan fiction and short stories.

 

So posting here gives me some connection with others. I do see psychotherapists quite regularly too, every other day now. My consultant psychiatrist is coming to see me tomorrow and hopefully put me on anti-depressants, I've been on my new anti-anxiety meds for a couple of weeks now and they have numbed me a little (or maybe I'm starting to numb myself as I've been despairing for so long).

 

I know I have problems. I'm well aware of this. But that fact is I love my ex bf more than ever and I think about him every second of the day almost. Even when I'm doing other things I'm always thinking about him in some way. Also I've had over 5 months of hell with the events leading up to my break up playing over and over in my mind.

 

And I understand if some of you would rather shun me now. If you are fed up of my obsessive thinking. And I wish I had the inner strength to beat my depression and negative thinking patterns, because it always hurts to be the outcast that no one likes. But I think I need to reach out to others and vent. Makes me feel like I'm not quite so alone. I just want to regain some hope and some sense that there are people out there who understand. As I know most of you do understand, as you are going through this hellish process too and suffering just as much as I.

 

And I know I can be highly annoying, immature, dependent, pessimistic and defeatist. But I really need some friends right now so I really hope you will not judge me because of my attention seeking behavior. I only do it because I am so desperate to reach out to people. I don't deny that my negative thinking patterns are a problem or that sometimes I cling to my depression as if it were part of my identity, but its only because I've been depressed for so very long. Depression is becoming who I am. I never wanted that to happen, but when you can't find a way to be happy and enjoy life as you once did and you've lost all sense of self you have to adapt to what you feel. And I feel empty inside, like there is a void of nothingness ahead of me and I can't plow through it.

 

And every day is a struggle. Every day I awake to dark thoughts. I resist best I can, but it is hard. And I know everyone of you has suffered the same, or similar, so I know you understand. I just feel so alone, so worthless, so hopeless. And its frustrating because I feel I should be getting better now, I feel my memories of my ex should fade away and my love for him die down. And yet it continues, stronger than ever.

 

I know I'm very lucky to have my family around me to help me through this, but I just hate myself for ruining my relationship and I regret what I did and feel ashamed everyday. Wish that I could take back what I said, because then everything would be ok. Instead I have to wear this fake smile to try and give my family some hope that I'm improving and I have to hide away in my room so the buckets of tears are never seen. I have almost constant dark thoughts and I fear that if I don't force myself to accept my break up as irreversible and move on I will lose that last limp grip on my sanity.

 

I could lie to you all now and tell you I've accepted my break up its over and there is no chance my ex bf will ever come back, I could lie to you now and tell you I do not love him anymore and that I forgive myself for causing my break up. But the truth is I'm living in denial thinking he'll one day soon come back to me, I love him more than ever and I condemn myself eternally for causing the break up.

 

I've never self harmed as such by cutting etc. but lately I've been rubbing my arm excessively. Like a nervous tick perhaps and it gets very sore. And my tablets make me so sick so I am eating less and less.

 

I can't believe what an emotional wreck I've turned into. My love for my ex is obsessive love. Of that there is no doubt. And I'm trying not to contact him from now on. What I try to tell myself again and again, is that if you really love someone and want whats best for them, sometimes you have to let them go. And I know my ex is better off without me, especially considering the emotional wreck of a person I am now.

 

I just don't want to fall any deeper into this despair. My family loves me so much and I need to be here for them. I just don't know how to forgive myself for the mistakes I made that caused this break up and destroy that self hatred within me. And I don't know how to block out the constant vivid images of my ex in my mind and cure myself of my delusional belief that my ex will return, that he still loves me, that he must love me because I love him so much and without him I'm fading away (my own doing I'm not denying) but I am weak and he was my strength. I was dependent on him for my happiness in a very unhealthy way, I don't deny. I need help. I need intensive therapy. I hope I get that help and slowly let go and move on.

 

How can I love someone so much when they've caused me such pain? I don't know. But I do.

[JR2315]

Hmmmmm well you and I are in the same position but my pain started almost 2 weeks ago. It really does sound like you need to forgive yourself. From my own experience I was the one who instigated the fights which ultimately led the girl of my dreams to leave me. But the difference is that i've accepted that it was in my nature to start problems and all I can really do is accept the mistakes that i've committed and definitely grow from it.

 

In my situation i've lost contact with my friends as we were in the same circle. But you and I both have family and the thing about that is that they will never get sick and tired of your problems! they will always be there for you without a doubt!

 

You shouldnt be wallowing over some guy! I dont know you personally but i can honestly tell you that you are a wonderful and amazing person in your own right and all your ex did was make you realize that you are. Now its your turn to realize this for yourself

 

I seriously admire the fact that you have been doing your best to be strong and continuing NC. Love never really goes away but i have to say you and I will find someone who will accept all the love we have to offer and give it right back to us!

[JR2315]

Oh also after reading your other threads. I myself have pretty much lost my social life due to my ex and I running the same circle and trust me there are a lot of times wherein i feel sooooo alone. When i dont have work im stuck at home and it is honestly the worst thing... I think u can understand all the things that run through my head.

 

But you know what? I always motivate myself and I tell myself that there is no way in hell that this girl who gave up on me is going to ruin my life! Im only 18! I have all the time in the world to mature and I dont even doubt the fact that I will find another (not to sound so conceited lmao). Who cares if she comes back or not. I will not and cannot be that person who will wallow in sadness for something that wasnt even meant to be.

 

With that said, of course I still love her and always will. But remember things always happen for a reason! I mean even before we got together I was always an insecure guy and I guess this is God's way of teaching me to grow up and love myself!

 

Not to be creepy but I really want to be of help and I cant bear that other people are feeling the same things that i feel. So i will be following up on this thread

Edited June 16, 2011 by JR2315

[Badenov]

You go ahead and post as much as you want, honey. No one would be reading these threads if they weren't going through the same thing. Remember that. No one here is going to criticize your feelings. We all need each others' support.

 

Here's an idea that might be theraputic for you: Read other peoples' threads. You'll see other people feel the same as you do. You'll read advice that may help you too. Try some forums that don't have anything to do with your situation. And then . . . post some advice of your own! You might be surprised by the insights you have to offer. Even if you just make them feel a little better & a lot less alone (like I'm doing right now).

 

When you see other peoples' problems you can be more objective about your own. And helping others gives you a sense of value you seem to lack in yourself. Just be honest. And when someone thanks you, you'll be amazed at yourself.

 

Try it. It's been working for me.

[Rudeman27]

Stop blaming yourself completely for the break up. There were 2 of you involved, and for some reason it didn't work out. When my ex and I broke up I felt like it was completely my fault. It ruined my self confidence, When she broke up with me i felt like I threw away the best part of my life. I couldn't eat, sleep, smile, or make any connection with anyone else, it hurt to be nice to people.

After awhile you realize the break up is never 100% your fault. Odds are both of you took each other for granted. He just hasn't had the chance to see your Value yet because you refuse to to value yourself at this point. I know what you are going through, I felt like such a loser and I made her out to be a saint when she wasn't.

Don't do that to your self, realize that you matter, own your self worth, feel it... soon enough people will see it. No one will truly love you until you love yourself. Everything will be ok, try not to be so self defeating. My prayers are with you, I know you can do it.

[ludachris]

I know it hurts and im sorry to hear how you are feeling but the fact is break ups are going to hurt no matter what. Your self esteem lowers and you feel like you have no one in your life. It sucks. I was like that for a couple of months when i broke up with my gf. I blamed myself for everything. But then i started working on myself. I worked out, played soccer(i hadnt played soccer the whole time i was going out with her because i didnt have a lot of time to), I hung out with friends, hung out with family, went to school, got a job. Instead of blaming yourself you need to work on yourself. Have fun go out with friends. If you dont have friends make some. You can make friends at a job, you can join clubs. you say you like to write poetry and im pretty sure there is places out there where people share each others poetry to one another.

 

You cant keep beating yourself up and telling yourself you are useless. You are human just like me and everyone else. If we all can get through harsh break ups so can you. There is nothing about you that is weaker than me or anyone else. You are just as strong its just you keep telling yourself that you arent and you eventually believe yourself and feel bad for yourself. Quit feeling bad for yourself. IMO you dont even need pills i think those are bull****. Ya therapy is good because it gives you someone to talk to but you can talk to your family and even friends. you have to have some type of friends. Im pretty sure if you contact an old friend to hang out they will happily hang out with you, just dont complain about your sadness to them all the time because that will annoy them if u do it constantly. just have fun and think of the present when you are around friends and family.

 

You say u like poetry so write more poetry. You have more time on your hands now. watch good movies, write poetry, hang out with family, hang out with a friend, play video games, read a book, go jogging, workout, get a new hobby. Do things you couldnt do while you had a bf. Do things you never had the time to do while you had a bf. The reason you keep thinking about him is because u are sad and you dont think positive and try to put yourself out there and get better.

 

Like i said you are not weak. You are just as strong as any of us here we are no different. Its just the mentality you have. You gotta stand up you gotta go out and do something you gotta be you. You are you and there is nothing you can change about that just be the best you that you can be. Someone will love you for you. Hell your family loves you for who you are and that is a good thing right? Cmon everyone goes through heart breaks you are no different. You got this. Be strong.

Edited June 16, 2011 by ludachris

[Exit]

Why are you stuck in bed or on the sofa? Go out. Go get some coffee. Go walk around the bookstore. Go out in nature and take pictures. Sitting in the house is only going to add to your depression. You're gonna have to push yourself out of your comfort zone. I've gone with friends to bars and stuff on recent weekends even though that is not my idea of fun at all, because my only other choice would be to spend the weekend at home alone.

 

I may be one of the people who gave you a hard time for posting so much. It was not meant to make you feel bad but to try to encourage you to start fighting for your happiness.

 

If you need something to keep you busy I would honestly suggest trying to get in shape. I have no idea what kind of health you're in right now, but regardless, exercise is good for us all. In so many ways it is the perfect breakup cure. It gives you something else to think about, it releases endorphins which make you feel better than any anti-depressant is ever going to, it makes you look better and helps you regain your confidence, it gives you an outlet for your anger and nervous energy when you feel like you're ready to explode, etc etc etc. Nothing like "go hang out with friends" or "go read a book" can cover that many areas of getting over a breakup. Starting a fitness plan is the best. Join a gym, meet people there, see if there are any groups in your area that go out running together, etc.

 

You have got to do something. I think I already tried saying this in one of your other threads, but there are kids in childrens hospitals all around the world fighting cancer right now. They'd have a reason to be miserable, they'd have a reason to want attention. They don't have the option to go outside and go make friends. We can. We're love addicted people who need a kick in the pants to stop our blubbering.

 

Please try to fight this. Unless you just lost the most handsome, wealthy, well-mannered man in the world, you do not need to be feeling like this. He was not "the one", "the one" would never do this to you.

 

Make an effort to get out of the house. Depression feeds off of staying in bed and being alone.

Edited June 16, 2011 by Exit

[RuinedLife]

Hey again all,

 

I know you are all right and that to really start to get over my ex and move on I need to go out with friends and exercise. But my illness really limits what I can do, and even more so lately as the stress of all this depression despair etc. has worsened my condition.

 

However, on a positive note I am trying to make new friends in the only way I can at the moment (by posting here! ) and I am doing what little exercise I am able. I can do stretches in bed and when I'm feeling a little better stagger up to the bathroom and back, down to the sofa in the evening and sometimes even around the garden. And no, I'm not trying to be sarcastic or anything, as I really believe as the Tesco saying goes- Every little helps.

 

What I find so hard to deal with is my constant thoughts of my ex, and my delusional ideas that He MUST still love me', 'Surely soon he will miss me so much that something inside him snaps, cause him to realize he can't live his life without me' and that 'Surely he will soon remember how much he loves me and come back'...

 

And I can't seem to shake any of these thoughts. Although I am finally starting to accept that maybe this break up wasn't 100% my fault, even though the guilt and regret of my actions that lead to my break up still plague me.

 

Its just feels like I will always be waiting for him to come back to me. That I will always cling to that hope that somewhere (deep inside maybe) my ex still loves me and one day will come back for me. And I don't want to live like this forever. Forever with a shrine in my head, forever bent over in pain worshiping my own delusional idealized version of a guy who gave up on me and left me.

Edited June 16, 2011 by RuinedLife

[ludachris]

your minds not gonna change instantly you are gonna have these thoughts for a bit. They will slowly fade away. You said that you are starting to accept that its not 100% your fault which is reallllllyy good. It may not be a huge step but its a little step, but a lot of little steps like that will eventually make you feel better. Nothing happens quickly you are gonna have to deal with the pain for a little bit. its like a wound they take time to heal. Keep your head up i know its hard and way easier said than done. But you will get better trust me.

[nikkinicole36]

I was going through this exact same thing for a while myself. It's been a year since my ex fiance dumped me cold as ice after a stupid silly arguement. He's refused to talk to me since, cut me out of his life and started seeing some chick with two kids a about 3 months after we broke up. I was killing myself wondering what the hell happened and what I could have done so awful to make him treat me that way. What's I've realize in this last few weeks that has been helping me a lot has been getting to the real root of the pain. What I realized is that when my ex leaving me the way he did he touched on some really deep wounds that I were still trying to heal from from childhood. Throughout my childhood and life my mom had essentially abandoned me the very same way. When my ex left that gut-wrenching pain that came up was so overwelming I wanted to die. I've never been a weak person, but I seriously considered killing myself I was so distraught. Now I'm working on focusing on myself. While I wasn't perfect in our relationship, nothing I'd done warranted him breaking up with me in that absolutely hurtful manner. It's the same for you. You have to start getting to the root of what is the real pain. Cause your ex leaving is not the primary source, it's more than likely something from your earlier childhood.

[marqueemoon4]

post up as much as possible.. maybe stop making so many threads.. just an idea. sorry you're in pain, I know how you feel.

[RuinedLife]

I was going through this exact same thing for a while myself. It's been a year since my ex fiance dumped me cold as ice after a stupid silly arguement. He's refused to talk to me since, cut me out of his life and started seeing some chick with two kids a about 3 months after we broke up. I was killing myself wondering what the hell happened and what I could have done so awful to make him treat me that way. What's I've realize in this last few weeks that has been helping me a lot has been getting to the real root of the pain. What I realized is that when my ex leaving me the way he did he touched on some really deep wounds that I were still trying to heal from from childhood. Throughout my childhood and life my mom had essentially abandoned me the very same way. When my ex left that gut-wrenching pain that came up was so overwelming I wanted to die. I've never been a weak person, but I seriously considered killing myself I was so distraught. Now I'm working on focusing on myself. While I wasn't perfect in our relationship, nothing I'd done warranted him breaking up with me in that absolutely hurtful manner. It's the same for you. You have to start getting to the root of what is the real pain. Cause your ex leaving is not the primary source, it's more than likely something from your earlier childhood.

 

Yes my therapist suggested that I might have abandonment issues that cause me to have an anxious attachment style. I was incredibly close to my grandma since birth and she spent a lot of time with me. Then later she visited us often and I remember one time I really didn't want her to leave me, but she did and sadly passed away. Which was a massive shock to me at the time and my therapist suggests that this maybe the cause of some of the insecurity issues I have in relationships.