Mauschen Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 Hi all, It is just 7 more days until I go to court for child custody modification request and child support, which I should have done a LONG time ago. To make a long story short, my ex hits the kids, doesn't feed them, doesn't bathe them or change their clothing, etc. on his parenting days (3 days per week). So pretty valid reasons for custody change. He has also never paid child support. In any case, my current husband and my parents want to go to court with me, but I want to go alone with just my lawyer. I am not sure why, but having extra people with me makes me more emotional and more nervous. They think they are being supportive, but I don't see it that way. I am not sure why I feel this way, but I do. My parents and my husband all feel a bit upset that I don't want them there, and are pressuring me to include them in this process. I already have enough stress dealing with this mess without also having to consider their emotions. I know that might sound awful of me. Do you think I am being unfair to them?
tinktronik Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Can you ask them to wait outside the courtroom? I can understand why they would want to be there but also see it from your side.
Author Mauschen Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 Thanks for the comments. I'm afraid if they waited outside with me, they would somehow end up inside the courtroom with me. I don't want them there at all, but I am sad they think it's unfair to them.
Yasuandio Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 This is a private matter between you, your X, and the Judge. It is your business only. Business is business. That is why you feel so conflicted. New or existing family will certainly distract you from business at hand. And to be sure, there will likely be some unpleasant business that is NONE IF ANY OF THEIR BUSINESS's. Furthmore, embarrassing information and or accsations may be hurled -- that would be embassing to you. Politetly tell them you have enough on your plate without distraction from the business at hand.
Author Mauschen Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 Thank you Yasuandio, You put my feelings into words. That is exactly how I feel. I am sure that my current husband would feel very awkward if I were to call up his ex and discuss their relationship with her. I guess that is just how I feel about him coming to court with me.
SoleMate Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 This is a private matter between you, your X, and the Judge. It is your business only. Actually, under law in the US, family court proceedings are generally public. There are some limitations, but in my experience the public is admitted to most hearings, including very sensitive matters. So the extra family members do have a legal right to be there. OTOH, they are absolutely in the wrong to insist on being present against your wishes. It is not loving to demand to be present "to support you" AGAINST your wishes. If they think you are incompetent to decide what is in your best interest, and therefore they should make these decisions for you, they should apply for a conservatorship. Of course, that would be ridiculous and not be granted. You will not be alone, you will have your lawyer's assistance. The lawyer will not cause you any awkwardness or provide drama, whereas the family may well be provide plenty of both....PARTICULARLY since they are the type of people who refuse to listen to your wishes. It will be a simpler and easier matter for YOU without unwanted "support", so don't hesitate a minute in letting them know that. Do you think I am being unfair to them? Not at all. I believe that your wishes come first, your concerns are natural and understandable, and this decision should be yours and yours alone. You will have your hands full and should not have to be comforting THEM when you are the person most affected, by far. It really bothers me that they cannot see this.
carhill Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Generally, court in the U.S. is a public venue, generally open to interested parties, though the judge can close the courtroom to observers in certain circumstances. You're certainly within your rights to request no family members observe but, if your husband finds the request, for himself in particular, to be offensive, I can certainly empathize, since apparently he's been co-parenting those children and assisting in their support during the M. I know I'd be quite disappointed if my wife were to make such a request, but that's my marital 'style'. Your H's might be different. Tell me, has this support/custody issue been something you've been quietly working on with your lawyer or have you been sharing the process contemporaneously with your H? If the latter, you've chosen to 'invest' him into the process as a sounding board, support, advocate, or whatever description is appropriate. Making that choice has costs involved, presuming you have a loving relationship with your H. My advice would be, if you're firm about this, make a firm request and accept the reactions to that request. By 'accept', I mean to take in the responses and do not attempt to justify your perspective. State that you understand and need to do this alone. The fallout from that choice is what it is. I hope your court date goes well. Judges don't like deadbeat parents.
Author Mauschen Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 Thank you SoleMate and Carhill, Thank you for your detailed responses. Very helpful! I realize that court in the U.S. is a public venue, but I would be really upset if one of my family members showed up against my wishes. I have enough stress just dealing with the ex and his inability to properly care for and pay for our children. I also realize that my H may be hurt by me telling him not to come. He is a wonderful step-father so far, but it has only been 2 1/2 months since we've been married. In any case, I do share details with him and he has assisted with my affidavits. Yet, I have been collecting information and evidence for a long time, my past marriage was riddled with abuse (both emotional and physical), and my ex has an undiagnosed mental disorder (at least I am pretty sure he does and so is my lawyer and the children's therapist and psychologists). I have requested for the ex to undergo a psych evaluation and comply with the recommendations of the psychologist. So, as you can see, all of this is deeply personal, emotional, and difficult for me. Although my H knows about my past, experiencing it in this way is too much for me to handle. Additionally, my parents and my H both hate my ex and I am not certain that they would be able to remain proper and silent during our session. I will not attempt to justify my position because they just don't understand my position. And I will try to be sensitive toward their feelings. And thanks! I hope the court date goes well too. I will post an update once it is done with.
Author Mauschen Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 I held my position over the weekend, and my family has agreed not to come to court with me. Thank goodness! Only 2 more days. I am very nervous, but totally relieved that my family is not coming with me.
irishdaisy Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 Glad to hear your family understands your need to privacy at this time. I'm so glad to hear you have their support. Good luck this week. ID
Author Mauschen Posted June 23, 2011 Author Posted June 23, 2011 We went to court yesterday. Got child support ordered finally. Child custody modification has to go to an evidentiary hearing in October, which is unfortunate since the judge didn't seem to understand that continual emotional and physical abuse will be going on until then.
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