ShatteredDreams Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 (edited) Hello all, I have a bit of a long story so please bear with me. I am a 20 year old college student entering my third year. Back in my senior year of high school, I met a girl. We were friends for about a year, not close friends but friends. She was a year younger than me. Then by my senior year she had been stalking/contacting me a lot. Then one day she came to my car and told me she liked me. I had some feelings for her too at the time. I was a bit hesitant at first because I come from a pretty traditional Muslim family that would not accept her. She was black. But I gave it a chance anyways because I had this warm feeling inside of me that I never felt with any other girls. She was the second girl I've been with, the first one only lasted like 2 weeks. The first few months were rough, I was mean to her, and I broke up with her a few times (it was my first actual relationship and I didn't know how to handle some things.) One day I called her (around our third month) and I told her we should break up because she was getting in the way of my life and stuff. Then she cried over the phone and hung up and I felt bad. So the next day I took her to the beach, apologized, and held her and told her how much I loved her. Right then and there I fell really hard for this girl. I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life, and she told me she wanted the same. But there was a big problem, I could not tell my family for the fear of getting disowned. So we kept our relationship a secret for 2 and a half years from my parents, and that caused a lot of trust issues. After about 8 months we got into a pretty big argument, but we both cried so much and so hard in each other's arms after saying such mean things to each other. I told her we have to break up because she hurt me a lot, and I hadn't cried like that since elementary. She said she really loves me and would kill herself if I leave, we held each other and cried. I felt this argument made our love stronger. We would say I love you for the first year and 8 months every single time multiple times before we get off the phone. We were with each other all day everyday from like 11 am till 1 am. During my senior year of high school we would be with each other as much as possible, then I would drop her off home. We worked together, been to so many places together, watched a lot of movies together. We pushed away our friends and family to be with each other. I met her family and hung out with them a few times. I bought her everything she had, bed sheets, tv, etc. Helped her out any way I can, paid her dental bills, cell phone bills. The first year she barely ate because her family didn't buy food for the kids and stuff and she went hungry a lot, so I bought her food all the time. After about a year and 6 months, we started arguing a lot. The arguments got worse and worse with a lot of mean and nasty words, attacking each others' family, physical appearance, culture, racial slurs, etc. At one point she pretended to destroy my laptop over the phone and I got mad at her and called her a psycho, n**ger, b*tch (this was recent before the break up). I made her cry a lot and she made me cry a lot, on top of that she felt horrible and lost her self esteem because she was a secret to my family. Then she went to college (same college I go to) and lived in a dorm. My campus is about 30 minutes away from hers, and I was busy with school work so we only pretty much saw each other 2-4 times a week. But for the first year despite all the arguments, she still said she loved me, I loved her, we made out and had lots of fun together. But something went bad, around our 2nd year anniversary she didn't want to celebrate. The years we were together we had broken up like 20+ times but got back together the next day or a week, and stayed close to each other as if we were still going out but said we aren't boyfriend/girlfriend. Then during her first year of college we drifted further and further apart. We had sex but she did not want to be intimate, then we had sex less and less to the point its been 5 months since we did it. She started picking arguments with me over small things, went off at me for the way I drove, got mad when I held the door for someone, called me dumb and stupid. Also, there was a lot of trust issues that year. She would not allow me to have female friends and I would not allow her to have guy friends. I tried to avoid having female friends because I was loyal to her and I loved her, but she secretly kept a few guy friends. When I found out I kept a few female friends that made her mad and jealous and she always tried to get me to delete them on facebook but I wouldn't, I used them as leverage. We constantly argued about that for the past few months. We pretty much argued everyday for the past year. About a year ago her brother came out the closet. During the relationship I had a friend I've known since Middle School, that was pretty much the only friend I kept in contact with. He would jokingly send me "gay texts" like "hey baby" or "bend over." My girlfriend and I would argue because she got paranoid and thought I was going to come out the closet in the future. She had been accusing me of being a homosexual, of cheating with her with other girls, even being a pedophile because I was born Muslim, and some guys marry really young girls in certain cultures. I was nothing but loyal to her and my life for the past 2 years revolved around hers completely. Here is the twist. For a while my girlfriend had been joking around and showing signs that she liked my friend. I never trust any guys to visit her in her dorm but I made the mistake of trusting my friend to watch a movie with her in her dorm while I was on the phone. Then 2 weeks later we get into another serious argument where she accused me of being gay, and I called her a psycho b*tch. I told her I had feelings for another girl and I fantasized about her, she cried and begged me to tell her who it is for the sake of the 2 years we were together. I said "I don't have to tell you sh*t you psycho b*tch." She called me the next day and started speaking to me normally, then asked if I'm okay because I get mad so quick. I was like whatever and talk to you later. She calls back and said we shouldn't talk or see each other anymore, and I was like okay whatever. So I go to her dorm, take some of my stuff back and throw our prom picture and the gifts and cards she gave me on the ground. She kinda laughed. Then a week later, around April 6th, in school I hear rumors that she is seeing my friend. I still loved her deeply and was hurt. I call her and she says it was just rumors started by her brother because he got mad that I called him a "fa*got" when she accused me of being gay. Then I drive over to her dorm and try to talk to her and beg and plead and ask her to forgive me. She said its too late and she hates me. She then threatens to call the cops if I don't leave. I was so broken-hearted and crying but went to a campus concert with a few friends. That night she called me and was mad because she heard I took the two female friends home. After that I hadn't spoken to her in a week, she called like two days after the concert to apologize to me but things had to end. During the period we weren't together she had been visiting my friend a lot to use his laptop because she didn't have a computer and I took mine back. I asked him if there was anything going on between them and he constantly denied and got mad at me for being paranoid. Then my friend and another person take me to a restaurant to make me feel better, at that point I had not eaten in like 2 weeks. She calls me and asks if my friend is there, and says to ask him "what is he to her?" I was confused, and my friend acted like he didn't know what she was talking about. So then I tell her how much I love her and I will give up anything to be with her. She said to tell everyone we are back together, then 2 hours later calls and said she was just joking and that she wanted to make my friend jealous. I call her back and ask her why, she tells me she has feelings for someone else, and its my friend, and hangs up. I call her back and she screams at me saying "to leave her the f*** alone and that I am getting in the way of her school." At this point is where I really lose it. For the past year she kept reassuring me that she never liked anyone else, that she loves me, and that she will never leave me for anyone. So I get in my car, buy a lot of tylenol PMS, knock on her dorm window, she sees me and closes it. My friend comes running out to take the pill bottle, but I swallow the pills and drive off, and get myself to the parking of of the nearest hospital. She calls me, crying and telling me to please get myself to a hospital. I told her to tell me that she still loves me, and she said she didn't. Then I said to promise me that you will be there for me as a friend when I get out, she said she will, and I said goodbye I love you, you were the only one I was able to love. Then I check myself into a hospital and get the drugs pumped out of me. At that point the campus cops contacted me on my cell phone, my ex called them to see if I'm ok and can be located. I made a mistake and told them they had the wrong number and they ended up putting and APB out on me and located me in the hospital. In the morning I was transferred to the psyche ward. I was going crazy in there, crying, and trying to contact my ex but she threw her phone and broke it while she was crying. I called my friend and he said that what I did was a real a**hole move, and she doesn't ever want to see me again, and if I come around to her dorm she will put a restraint order on me, she even asked the campus police about a restraining order. In the psyche ward when I heard she never wants to see or talk to me, I tried to strangle myself with the IV machine when they took me off the baker act. When I get out I tried emailing her several times begging and crying to forgive me, to try to talk to her when she was in my friend's dorm. I suspected something was going on between them but they both denied it. Then I stop contact with her for a month. I go to a friend's birthday around May 7th, and I leave the restaurant to go for a walk because I feel so bad, a year ago me and my ex were at my friend's birthday together. That night I'm driving home with 3 of my friends and my ex calls me from an unknown number to let me know her and my ex-best friend like each other a lot and are dating, and that she had feelings for him for the past year. I stop the car, get off on the street, fall to the ground, bang my head, and try to jump into the lake because I can't swim. Now at this point, there is not much I can do to screw up more right? Wrong. Over the next few weeks I keep contacting both my friend and my ex. My friend was a bit suspicious at the time that my ex said she was a virgin. I told him some stuff and had him convinced she wasn't, and that she lied. That hurt me a lot, she lied to him about being a virgin as if I meant nothing to her. We team up and try to make her admit she isn't. He lied to her saying I sent him pictures of us doing it, she denied it, and he believed her. She almost cracked many times, but he still believes her. It took me like 6-7 months for us to have sex, but she did it with him in the first 2 weeks, that made me so sick and I threw up many times. I called her and threatened her and said I had nude videos of her that I would post. I felt so betrayed by the both of them that I wanted to end their relationship. The sad reality to me is that he can give her anything she wants, he can introduce her to the family, he can't call her a n*gger because he is black too, he is much more tolerant of her accusations, and will do anything she asks him to do. He is pretty much like me but much more tolerant of her behaviors. I spent a lot of time going in and out of therapy, took anti-depressants but got off them because they made my suicide tendencies much worse. I tried to kill myself at least 4 times but failed. Came really close once but shock paddles and an injection full of adrenaline got my heart pumping again. Also, the break up was so traumatic I was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. The relationship was very stressful, by age 20 I have a lot of grey hairs, and gained 100 pounds in the past 2 years. I was 6'5" and skinny when we first met, around 170 pounds at age 18, now I'm around 270. I was a really stupid and immature a**hole and I regret all my decisions. I tried really hard to sabotage their relationship. I made soooo many mistakes, mistakes that ensured that we never get back together ever again. I loved this girl to death. For 2 and a half years she was all I had, pushed away all my friends and family, spent a lot of time with her, smiled a lot, laughed a lot, cried together a lot. Now she is happy with another man, that used to be one of my closest friends since middle school. I try to fight the feelings but I cry every single day and dream about her, wake up and want to kill myself. I never loved, or cared for anyone so deeply. I was a mean a**hole after a while because she stopped appreciating me, but still showed she loved me. I couldn't take being accused of something everyday and that eventually pushed my temper over the edge and I am so sorry for it. I love this girl and want to be happy for her that she is happy, but I am so hurt. For 2 and a half years she woke me up by calling me on the phone, and I went to sleep to her voice, and now it all ended. We had plans for the future, plans of kids, etc. I feel so betrayed and hurt by her and my friend. I don't know what to do. It's been almost 4 months and I feel things are getting worse and worse. I wake up every single morning wishing I were dead. I would do/give up anything to get another chance with her again. I can't go anywhere in the city without seeing a place we didn't have any good memories. I miss her soooooo much. She was more than just my girlfriend, she was my best friend, my life, and my whole heart. I trusted her more than anything. Everyday seemed special when I was with her. My memories of her are soo crystal clear, especially the good memories. I keep dreaming about her. I tried dating another girl about 2 weeks ago, but being with her only made me miss my ex more. It hurts that her and my friend might last for a long time, and that she will never look back at me. I really want to be happy for her that she found someone that doesn't make her so miserable. Also, I had a history of being depressed, I never showed it since early high school and kept it to myself. I used to smoke and drink by my sophomore year of high school, then I quit because I wanted to be a better person. Then I met her and my life started to feel a lot better. Sorry for the long post, I just needed a place to vent I guess, and some advice. Thank you for reading. Edited June 15, 2011 by ShatteredDreams
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