Why?

[bluebell1981]

First time poster. I'm a 30 year old woman, and have had a crush on a man in his early 40's for several years. Yes, I am aware that is very sad at my age. I sort of have the dating skills of a 15 year old.

 

He's a UPS man. You know, the brown shorts and everything. Understand the crush now? Well anyway, he delivered to my workplace for about a year before I started noticing him. Unfortunately, I found out he was married, so it wasn't going to go anywhere. We struck up a friendship, though, and spent quite a bit of time together working on a network marketing biz. Don't even get me started on that, it was crap. But like I said, we talked a lot about stuff, everything. He often said how well we got along and how much I meant to him. Nothing naughty happened.

 

A couple of years ago he came into my work and said he had to tell me that he was getting a divorce. Wow.

 

So we talked even more. All last year we were still friendly. His divorce was final last July. In October, we went on a trip to a convention for our network marketing company. We held hands for three hours on the plane, which was a thrill for me. (See: dating skills of 15 year old, above.)

 

We talked a lot on that trip. Everyone thought we were married, which was hilarious to me. He wasn't too quick to correct them, either.

 

I forgot to mention, he is extremely shy and I am somewhat shy. He turns red a LOT.

 

He had two little kids from his marriage. I asked him at the end of our trip if he'd ever thought about getting married again, and he vehemently said no. Mind you, it was about 3.5 months since his divorce at this point (he'd been married 10 years), so not too surprising.

 

He offered to do a lot of 'manly' stuff around my biz...he was always offering to help me do stuff. Move furniture, install things, etc. I was always very appreciative. I had something traumatic happen to my business, and he was beyond helpful and comforting about that, always offering me advice.

 

He'd call me up out of nowhere to talk, to check how my business problem was going, how was I doing, etc.

 

Over the winter he had a lot of crap happen to him with his ex-wife trying to get him in legal trouble, he lost his house, etc.

 

I decided I didn't care if he knew that I liked him, so I wanted to tell him. I couldn't do it face to face, so I decided to give him a card. Yeah, it was pretty stupid, but I'd given him Christmas cards before since he was the delivery guy, and he seemed to like them. So I wrote that I just wanted him to know that I liked him as a man, not just as the delivery guy, and I respected the complications of his divorce, but I wanted him to know that I liked him the way he was, whatever the future held.

 

I gave it to him one day when he delivered in March, and I didn't hear a thing from him for a week. Very upsetting. I sent him a text and said i was totally embarrassed that I said that, and I would have my deliveries sent someplace else and be out of his life. Well, he called 2 seconds later and apologized for not getting back to me, and I said I was really embarrassed I'd said all that, and he kept repeating "you're fine you're fine!" over and over. He said he wasn't loooking for a relationship or dating (who said anything about a relationship? Maybe I wanted a mindless roll in the hay! LOL) and he kept saying I was fine, i was okay. I didn't say much, I was just kind of stunned, and felt very stupid.

 

So I did get my deliveries sent elsewhere for 2 months, but it was a major pain in the butt. He ran into my mom once, and was extremely friendly to her--I mean, went out of his way friendly. So I decided I could be a big girl and face him again, because it was better for my biz to have my stuff sent there.

 

The first time he came in sort of tentatively but was very friendly. I acted like nothing had happened. I've seen him three times since and all I say is "Hi!" and smile, not ever going to mention what I said. He always starts asking me questions about how I am, how's my business problem, smiling, it's like it used to be.

 

It's weird to me, because I feel like if he didn't like what I'd said, he wouldn't be that friendly to me, he'd be like, "Ooh, girlwithcooties who likes me, I must run!"

 

He never used to be very friendly the first year I knew him, I actually thought he was a sourpuss for a long time. So he doesn't HAVE to be friendly. He can just dump my box and go.

 

But he's always asking me a lot of questions and seems hesitant to leave. I am trying really hard not to read anything into it. Part of my biz problem involves me moving to a town half an hour away and it keeps getting delayed, and he seems gleeful about the fact that I have not left yet. Today he was pointing out how looooong it will be before it's all settled, and I was like, "Thanks for reminding me." Obviously he would not be the UPS man there, so that would be nice for me, because seeing him still emotionally rips me up a bit.

 

I realize it is not very long since his divorce, and I was impatient and jumped the gun in saying things to him. I think he thinks he failed, and because he once said he was 'married in front of God', he may think he has to stay single for the rest of his life.

 

I don't know if he wants to keep on good terms with me in case he changes his mind later and he thinks I will be waiting here for him. Um, no, I will not, I am actively dating. Problem is I don't meet anyone else I like as much as him.

 

Sometimes I really am mad at him, and other times I feel like he's the one and I just need to be patient and see if after he gets out of the fog of his divorce, he realizes he does want to date. The feminist part of me slaps me at that notion, though.

 

I'm not waiting for him, but when nothing else takes his place, it's hard. I'm trying, really.

 

I guess I don't get why he still acts so interested in me and everything I am doing, if he has no intention of ever pursuing anything with me. I'd rather he just said, "Sign here", dropped the box, and left.

 

Thoughts??

Edited June 15, 2011 by bluebell1981

[bluebell1981]

I was joking about the roll in the hay, because I thought it weird he jumped to the conclusion I wanted a relationship when I had said nothing about it--just that I liked him and I wanted him to know.

 

My romantic feelings started before the friendship, and at this point I can't separate them. I really don't want to be friends with him because for me, once I have had feelings for someone, if it doesn't work out, I move on. Which is why this is troubling me, because I would prefer it if he had just cut me off instead. I don't feel comfortable continuing a friendship, I don't see why that is cold. I would always be wondering if he has changed his mind. We're not really the types to be friends with each other outside of a romantic relationship, either, in my opinion.

[bluebell1981]

I posted this a few days ago, anyone else have a thought?

 

I'm kind of feeling mad at him that I have given him this great ego boost, and he is enjoying my company and the feeling that "This girl likes me!".

 

I just feel an urge to take back my power. Unfortunately, I can't flirt with other men in front of him. What else can I do to let him know my thing is OVER? (It isn't really...but it's hopeless...and I think he already thinks I am a sweet innocent little girl who doesn't mess around with boys very much, and I'd like him to think I'm messin'. He doesn't know anything about my romantic history, he just knows I work a lot, and he once said I needed to get out of my business more and go out, which I DO.

[green_tea]

I don't think it's wrong for you to cut him out of your life if he's not interested in dating you, I'd say the same if you were a guy. You won't feel attracted to other guys unless you get over him, and the best way to do that would be to not see him anymore.