JasonRules Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 The past few days have been very tough on me as I feel I've been suffering a relapse of the emotions I had for my ex. I have been in NC since March 11th, which I broke very briefly a month ago to ask for my items and money back. I have not initiated any contact whatsoever with her for any reason. I have not heard from her either. I had told her to return my items and money by the end of June at the latest so we'll see what happens. I don't plan on meeting her to get my things back. Instead, I will tell her to mail me everything. I'm afraid seeing her will throw me into another relapse. I've been dating and it does help, but it seems its only temporary because I find my mind drifting back to the past whenever I'm not doing anything. I wish my feelings for her would leave me entirely so I can be truly free from this agony I feel inside of me since last December when problems started. It seems the reason why I'm having a relapse is because three months have gone by and there has been no indication on her part of any type of reconciliation so it's starting to hit me.
EgoJoe Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 Three months in the grand scheme of things is really nothing though. Break NC again to get your stuff then ask about your money or cut the ties forever and bite the loss. You gotta decide and not exist in limbo.
loverboy1984 Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 Hey buddy good to see you back. Our break up was the exact same time. I just recently got closure and found out shes dating someone. Im still hoping what you said would come true and that she will come back but just so I can prove to her that this was the reason she left, which she denies. You have been one of the strongest people here and have had really good experiences. Im sure she will come back at one point to reconcile as friends if she hits the bottom or needs someone. Do you still want her back though? or what is it that you want. I think not hearing from her is what makes it worse. I didnt hear from her in 3months. Your miles ahead of most people on this forum. Keep dating but that wont help you get over her. Im trying and every time Im not doing anything I keep thinking of her and the questions in my mind. I dont want her back but want her to try to come back. Its wierd. Maybe thats what you want too since your used to it happening.
batsheba Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 Do you still want her back? Has the NC time given you enough to analyze things? If you want her back, then I would say go for it. Life is too short and fleeting. But then again be ready, because the moment she says no, she doesnt want to, you will be back to square one of heartache prior to NC. It is all up to you. Take that leap of faith. If it is positive, then good! If not, completely walk away! The healing will be better then.
Author JasonRules Posted June 15, 2011 Author Posted June 15, 2011 Three months in the grand scheme of things is really nothing though. Break NC again to get your stuff then ask about your money or cut the ties forever and bite the loss. You gotta decide and not exist in limbo. I'm going to wait until mid July and if she's still MIA I'm going to be more firm about my things. I don't understand why she just won't get it over with and return my things, that way there is no reason for us to ever be in contact again. She wanted to end it via her actions. I just don't get it. It would had been 1,000 times better if this was done back in March that way there would be no reason to be in touch now.
EgoJoe Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 I think you'll be worse off by mid July. But, you've made a decision so stick to it dude, You'll be alright.
Author JasonRules Posted June 15, 2011 Author Posted June 15, 2011 Hey buddy good to see you back. Our break up was the exact same time. I just recently got closure and found out shes dating someone. Im still hoping what you said would come true and that she will come back but just so I can prove to her that this was the reason she left, which she denies. You have been one of the strongest people here and have had really good experiences. Im sure she will come back at one point to reconcile as friends if she hits the bottom or needs someone. Do you still want her back though? or what is it that you want. I think not hearing from her is what makes it worse. I didnt hear from her in 3months. Your miles ahead of most people on this forum. Keep dating but that wont help you get over her. Im trying and every time Im not doing anything I keep thinking of her and the questions in my mind. I dont want her back but want her to try to come back. Its wierd. Maybe thats what you want too since your used to it happening. I've been hitting the gym for 2 hours everyday and dating on top of it so I don't sit at home thinking about the past. I've been working out so much that people have taken notice of the changes. I've even had one person ask me if I'm taking steroids! (which is crazy). Whether I want her back or not is irrelavent though. It takes two to tango and since I have not heard from her at all, I assume there was/is someone else or she simply has no interest in me, so no need for me to even ponder this question.
Author JasonRules Posted June 15, 2011 Author Posted June 15, 2011 Do you still want her back? Has the NC time given you enough to analyze things? If you want her back, then I would say go for it. Life is too short and fleeting. But then again be ready, because the moment she says no, she doesnt want to, you will be back to square one of heartache prior to NC. It is all up to you. Take that leap of faith. If it is positive, then good! If not, completely walk away! The healing will be better then. I am not sure I do to be honest with you. Sometimes I think about her behavior towards the end and I genuinly feel resentment and anger because I feel she treated me with no respect or regard for my feelings. She displayed a lot of selfish behavior. On the other hand, I think about the first 7 months and it was completely opposite behavior. I don't think "going for it" is the right choice as all I will be doing is setting myself up for a major disappointment. The reason why she ended things with me is because of another guy. I have no proof, but her actions indirectly and my gut feeling lead me to believe this. Also, how can someone go from talking to someone multiple times per day (text, phone) and seeing each other almost daily to not having any contact whatsoever with them at all. During these three months I have not heard from her at all (no text, no call). So that means someone else has gotten her attention. There is no other explanation for it, so for my part I am not going to do anything. Things will go sour once the "honeymoon" period is over with the guy she is seeing and then she will start thinking about me because I have been in NC all this time. The only way they can appreciate what they had with us if we allow them to taste bitterness, disappointment, failure, frustration, and sadness by someone else. So let her drink from the same cup she gave me. Until then, I will not break NC.
PelicanPete Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 It's just a case of breaking habit at that point. You're use to talking to them all the time and seeing them all the time, and around 3 months of NC it starts to sink in that you're really done. Treat it with the same mind set of breaking a bad habit like biting your nails. I can tell you some what want her back, but I'm pretty sure its not out of love. You're relapsing to the familiar, not to your ex. Her not returning your money can be either two things: she can't afford it, or she wants to keep you around. She probably feels she has some form of control over you, like she let you off a leash but keeps you in the backyard. It shows she lacks confidence in her choices and wants you as a safety net. I can see her only returning your stuff when things start to go sour in her current relationship to try to use you as a bridge, so unless you start barking she isn't going to do anything. It doesn't need to be you, you can pressure her indirectly through friends or whatever else is available. Things to consider . We're walking bundles of habit! Both you and your ex display that.
Author JasonRules Posted June 15, 2011 Author Posted June 15, 2011 It's just a case of breaking habit at that point. You're use to talking to them all the time and seeing them all the time, and around 3 months of NC it starts to sink in that you're really done. Treat it with the same mind set of breaking a bad habit like biting your nails. I can tell you some what want her back, but I'm pretty sure its not out of love. You're relapsing to the familiar, not to your ex. Her not returning your money can be either two things: she can't afford it, or she wants to keep you around. She probably feels she has some form of control over you, like she let you off a leash but keeps you in the backyard. It shows she lacks confidence in her choices and wants you as a safety net. I can see her only returning your stuff when things start to go sour in her current relationship to try to use you as a bridge, so unless you start barking she isn't going to do anything. It doesn't need to be you, you can pressure her indirectly through friends or whatever else is available. Things to consider . We're walking bundles of habit! Both you and your ex display that. What is odd is that 2 weeks ago a guy she works with at the cafe and whom she is close with sent me a friend request on FB. I barely know the guy and would occasionally say "hi" or briefly talk to him, but that's about it. I am not sure why he would send me a friend request because I am not friends with this guy at all. Although, I did think for a moment that he might try to keep tabs on me and then relay all the information back to her, so I didn't accept his request. I want to be in TOTAL NC. I don't want her to know anything about me at all.
PelicanPete Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 What is odd is that 2 weeks ago a guy she works with at the cafe and whom she is close with sent me a friend request on FB. I barely know the guy and would occasionally say "hi" or briefly talk to him, but that's about it. I am not sure why he would send me a friend request because I am not friends with this guy at all. Although, I did think for a moment that he might try to keep tabs on me and then relay all the information back to her, so I didn't accept his request. I want to be in TOTAL NC. I don't want her to know anything about me at all. If you have no mutual friends with him aside from your ex that very well might have been the case. Your ex already displayed insecurity by rebounding into a new relationship after the break up, even after blocking my ex from everything possible after she cheated on me, she was contacting me through friends. I guess I'm a few months into NC myself and our mutual friends still tell me she asks about me every time they talk. Regardless I wouldn't call what you are going through a relapse and wanting your ex back, I think it's more of a case of you reflecting on the past and missing the good times. If you had a few not very satisfying days add up it can cause you to wish things were the way they use to be, and automatically look at those memories with a rose colored lense. Just be aware that it is your mind acting out of habit. I don't know the whole story about your ex, who broke up with who, etc. But there is a reason you're here and not together today. If you haven't done some updating on the memories you had of her before the break up, and examine the cracks in the relationship before it inevitably broke, it can cause you to portray her to be someone perfect which she isn't. In order to break old habits you have to be consciously aware of them, and you have to forge new habits in its place whether it be mental or physical. You know you don't want to get back together with her, and if you plunge back into the drama it's easy to get sucked in. I don't see what you're going through as a relapse, but more of a new stage of moving on.
skibum Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Damn I love your steadfastness in NC. You have stones my man. I know thats the way to go but Im afraid that way Id lose her forever. Like my buddy and his gf broke up and he tried being friends and 3 months later said that he couldnt do it and she had to either date him or he would leave her life and now theyre back together and engaged 3 years later! I always think "damn, thatd be nice if I did that" but an ultimatum can certainly backfire. You got confidence that they need to not know about your life cuz they should suffer the unknown just like they are making you suffer and I like that idea but its way easier said than done. Good job!
radiodarcy Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 It seems the reason why I'm having a relapse is because three months have gone by and there has been no indication on her part of any type of reconciliation so it's starting to hit me. i too am at 3 months NC and have found myself relapsing as well -- most likely for the same reason. the first time i went NC he contacted me several times. since i've re-started NC three months ago - - nothing. luckily we don't have any possessions to exchange/give back. and while not hearing from him has made it easier for me to stick to NC. it still hurts that he hasn't given any indication that he misses me it's frustrating because i was doing so well up until this point. i actually had a minor meltdown last week; cried, railed, banged my fists - - a 35-year old temper tantrum as my friend would call it. it definitely helped me feel better and oddly enough it didn't make me want to contact him afterwards. it just seems really unfair that he gets to move on without any problem whatsoever while i'm stuck here three months later still missing him.
betterdeal Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 You sound more sad than angry now, Jason. That's good progress in my experience. Is it the case?
Author JasonRules Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 You sound more sad than angry now, Jason. That's good progress in my experience. Is it the case? Indeed it is, although there are times when I get angry thinking about her behavior towards the end. In any case, nothing I can do about it. I'm actually planning on moving to another place in August to be closer to my work and I think me moving to another flat will help me disassociate any memories I have of her in my apartment. It will be a fresh start and new beginning for me.
Author JasonRules Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 Damn I love your steadfastness in NC. You have stones my man. I know thats the way to go but Im afraid that way Id lose her forever. Like my buddy and his gf broke up and he tried being friends and 3 months later said that he couldnt do it and she had to either date him or he would leave her life and now theyre back together and engaged 3 years later! I always think "damn, thatd be nice if I did that" but an ultimatum can certainly backfire. You got confidence that they need to not know about your life cuz they should suffer the unknown just like they are making you suffer and I like that idea but its way easier said than done. Good job! We do occasionally hear stories like this, but in my exes case her ex-fiance was trying to be her friend for over a year. He was following her around like a puppy. I even met him in person even though he never knew I was dating her. She never even told him we were dating so as to not hurt him, so in the end he gave up entirely. However, I do not intend on chasing her or wasting another year of my life on something that may never happen. I'm going to stick to the old addage "If you love something set it free. If it comes back it was always yours, if it doesn't it never was to begin with".
Author JasonRules Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 i too am at 3 months NC and have found myself relapsing as well -- most likely for the same reason. the first time i went NC he contacted me several times. since i've re-started NC three months ago - - nothing. luckily we don't have any possessions to exchange/give back. and while not hearing from him has made it easier for me to stick to NC. it still hurts that he hasn't given any indication that he misses me it's frustrating because i was doing so well up until this point. i actually had a minor meltdown last week; cried, railed, banged my fists - - a 35-year old temper tantrum as my friend would call it. it definitely helped me feel better and oddly enough it didn't make me want to contact him afterwards. it just seems really unfair that he gets to move on without any problem whatsoever while i'm stuck here three months later still missing him. I've focused on work and the gym as my outlets to maintain my sanity. And while I am going through a tough time now, I see it as another opportunity to grow more resilient, stronger, focused, persistent, and confident. It is a storm and it will pass as all the others have. I will not allow any woman to break me
radiodarcy Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I've focused on work and the gym as my outlets to maintain my sanity. And while I am going through a tough time now, I see it as another opportunity to grow more resilient, stronger, focused, persistent, and confident. It is a storm and it will pass as all the others have. I will not allow any woman to break me *sigh* you're right. it is a storm. the good thing is i didn't contact him after my tantrum. so that's a good sign. i too have been focusing my efforts on work and the gym, sometimes it doesn't seem like enough, though. i guess this is all part of the transition. i don't want my ex to turn me into a bitter, broken human being for the rest of my life. so better to go through this experience now and learn from it than let it break me completely.
Wendysong Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Hello OP, I think it's a matter of wanting and feeling something that you were so used to, the comfort of your ex and knowing you had her as a partner. It's easy to want that back. You end of comparing every new love to your ex. It's not healthy for new connections to grow if your roots are still with your ex. You need to meditate and sit down and really think about the pros and cons so you can relax and look into new love connections. It would be a shame to pass up on a new great gal because you're still hooked on your ex.
betterdeal Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Indeed it is, although there are times when I get angry thinking about her behavior towards the end. In any case, nothing I can do about it. I'm actually planning on moving to another place in August to be closer to my work and I think me moving to another flat will help me disassociate any memories I have of her in my apartment. It will be a fresh start and new beginning for me. That's good to hear. Moving on in every sense is what it's about. You're moving to a new apartment instead of from the old one. You'll have anger, and remorse, and sadness, all mixed up, but so long as the anger is dying down and the sadness is being expressed, you're moving on. I felt your sadness when reading your posts on this thread, and the hint of anger too. You're letting go.
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