BornBlonde Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 My BF seems to be depressed. He hates his job, gets into arguments with this ex-wife over child care issues, has trouble sleeping, and is neglecting his apartment. He just found out he has bed bugs and is taking his time dealing with it, so he's been sleeping on the floor and in his son's bed when he isn't there. His house is dysfunctional...seems like everything is broken or not working, and he isn't doing anything to fix it. He's not young (50) and doesn't know what to do about his career, either. I love the guy, and he says he loves me, but it feels like he's stuck in neutral. I really don't know how to help him aside from taking over and managing his messes (which I really don't have time to do and honestly, don't want to). I'm not a nag, and I've indicated that I'm concerned about him and suggested he deal with at least some of the dysfunctionality (wouldn't you like to sleep in your bed again??)...but really, I think he needs some meds and some therapy. Any suggestions on recommending this? He will not react well and will feel like I'm nagging him, I think. In the meantime...what about me? I am beginning to feel a little dumb for knocking myself out for this guy. I'm attractive, successful, together, fit, smart...I'm all for supporting a loved one, but I'm not even sure he is even capable of loving me with his head and life such a mess...thoughts?
azsinglegal Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 My theory on relationships has become "compliment my life without complicating it".
spiderowl Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 I feel sorry for his son, if he's living in a house with bedbugs and his father isn't doing anything about it. Yes, he does sound depressed. Do you know if he's ever had any help with depression? I don't mean drugs, which is mostly what doctors hand out these days, but talking therapy? I think you realise you are reaching confrontation point here: either you ignore it all and end up unhappy or leaving him, or you say something. It might be best to say that you think he's depressed and that he needs to get some help. He may not realise that his trials and stresses are being made worse by depression. However, as someone who has suffered depression all her life, I know that drugs help to a point but have undesirable side-effects, so although drugs might seem a solution to those who've never had to take them, they have their drawbacks. Your guy obviously does need some support and you could help a bit - it might give him the feeling that things are improving and not totally overwhelming thus spur him on to improve things himself - a positive spiral rather than a negative one. But you also don't want to get bogged down in doing everything for him as that's not fair on you. It's healthy that you can see that cleaning up after him isn't going to be good for both of you in the long run. I do understand the need for a bit of support though when everything is getting on top of you. You will have to feel your way on this and maybe even offer to accompany him to the doctor, if he can't face it. Some people are reluctant to take that first step and it could make all the difference for both of you.
Recommended Posts