dontknowwhattothink Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 Hi Guys, I just need to get my thoughts down. Short history. My wife and I started dating while I was a senior in high school. We dated happily until I moved away for college. We had some issues and broke up briefly. I went on a few dates with other women but they didn't do anything for me. Then we agreed we should be together again and she moved to my college the next semester. Apparently during that time that we were separated my wife hooked up with a friend of mine in our hometown while I was away. I was told by friends that she cheated on me and was having sex with this guy while we were dating. When confronted she admitted to making out with the guy but no sex (yea right). She said this was during the time we were separated and I didn't care because if she was telling the truth (which I now doubt) I did the same thing. So things go well I graduate, we get engaged/married have a baby. After the baby she had post partem (sp?) depression and frankly I had the male version of that. She would take the baby and go down to her mom's so her mom could help with the baby. It was rough with our first kid. We worked through that and the sex pretty much stopped unless I was really persistent. We had another baby as soon as the sex started getting better. Go figure. So here is the real situation. I was given information from some friends that couldn't take it anymore and they told me that while she was going to see her "mom" she actually ended up hooking up with some guy. When confronted she denied that anything happened other than hanging out. I told her that's still cheating and she just didn't seem to get it. This days long argument evolved into me screaming at her for 3 hours about how people are telling me things AGAIN about her and she is denying it again. One of my friends gave me some detailed information so I dropped that bomb and she broke down and said yes she got drunk one night and made out with the guy and (I don't know how detailed I can get) got physical with him but there was no intercourse. So I was livid and yelled some more. Not my finest moment. I am having serious trust issues with her now and I don't believe for a minute that in both cases that no sex was involved. Her excuse was that I wasn't paying attention to her etc. She's right I wasn't. But that doesn't make it ok to go cheat on me. You tell me and we work it out. She chose to cheat so I don't blame myself about her actions. So what do I do? I have two children that I don't want to grow up without both parents together. I still love my wife. I know that she loves me now. She says that she knows that what she did was wrong and it has been eating her alive for 4 years and she's been trying to figure out how to tell me etc. She was afraid I would leave her and the kids etc. I would never walk out on my kids. We are working on our relationship right now and we start marriage counseling soon. We are still living together and I think that is what's best for us and the kids. To be honest everything seems right in the world now. I'm not an idiot and I have been wondering about this since it happened (I called her best friend the weekend she went to her mom's and asked point blank if she was cheating, her best friend covered for her). I finally have a calm about this that I never had before. I think I just needed to write this all down to feel better.
Bryanp Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 Hello, I feel very sorry for you. It seems quite clear that your wife is a serial cheater and that right now she is in damage control. She has had a constant pattern of cheating on you before and during your marriage. Don't believe for a second that she did not have sex. Again she is in damage control and is telling you what you want to hear. This is typical of a cheating spouse. I know that this is difficult but you need to: 1. Have both of you checked for STD's 2. You need to get a paternity test on your children. Your wife has had no problem lying to your face and then later admits to some truths. I sincerely doubt that you have the whole truth. There is always more to what the wayward spouse initially admits. Your wife when she is unhappy seems to have no problem in hooking up with other men. I think you really need to think deeply if you wish to spend the rest of your life with a person like this. I wish you luck.
Author dontknowwhattothink Posted June 15, 2011 Author Posted June 15, 2011 Sometimes the blunt truth needs to be said and I get it. I still want to go to counseling with her and see how that goes. This is very fresh (within the last few days) so I'm up and down. Thanks for being honest, it adds perspective. I already told her that everyone is going to tell me to leave her. Right now I'm trying to figure out if I can afford to live somewhere else for awhile and balancing that with how it's going to affect the kids. Oh, and if you think it's me that's only going to see my kids on the weekends you are mistaken. We will have 50% time or I will have full custody. There is no way that I'm letting her do this to me and have the kids.
dale_gribble Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 Lil_Ch00b- You're a crazy mother****er, but I like that.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Sometimes the blunt truth needs to be said and I get it. I still want to go to counseling with her and see how that goes. This is very fresh (within the last few days) so I'm up and down. Thanks for being honest, it adds perspective. I already told her that everyone is going to tell me to leave her. Right now I'm trying to figure out if I can afford to live somewhere else for awhile and balancing that with how it's going to affect the kids. Oh, and if you think it's me that's only going to see my kids on the weekends you are mistaken. We will have 50% time or I will have full custody. There is no way that I'm letting her do this to me and have the kids. Why leave? Kick her out... and keep the kids. I'd lie cheat and steal to make sure my kids didn't grow up with a conniving bitch like that. She lies. You seriously cannot trust a word from her mouth. That won't change.... ever! Best you just start figuring out a way to protect your kids from her!
Loni Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Why leave? Kick her out... and keep the kids. I'd lie cheat and steal to make sure my kids didn't grow up with a conniving bitch like that. She lies. You seriously cannot trust a word from her mouth. That won't change.... ever! Best you just start figuring out a way to protect your kids from her! Ahhhh my friend, cheating as an argument won't give anyone custody. Most states are 50/50 and those that are not do not favor the father. Judges simply do not care about cheating when dealing with child custody issues.
bentnotbroken Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Ahhhh my friend, cheating as an argument won't give anyone custody. Most states are 50/50 and those that are not do not favor the father. Judges simply do not care about cheating when dealing with child custody issues. Depends on the state, the county in that state and the jurisdiction in that county. Judges do bring their own prejudices to the bench.
Author dontknowwhattothink Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 For the kids, I have stuff other than cheating that I believe would get me at the very least 50/50 if not full custody. I know that the courts can be strange but I would be very surprised if I didn't get 50/50.
Binster Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Dont leave, it could really mess you up in court. Get legal advice ASAP dont do anything or say anything till you've spoken to a lawyer. Good luck.
Author dontknowwhattothink Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 I think i f'ed up pretty bad this morning. I am sick of hearing her lies so I contacted her partner in email and asked if he would tell me what happened for real. She says no sex, I don't believe her so I wanted to see what he would say. I told him this is the only time I would be contacting him and I just wanted answers. He lives far away from me so I'm not going to do anything stupid. Freaking stupid of me but can't be undone.
Author dontknowwhattothink Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 Just to continue putting my thoughts down. Now that the dust is settling and I'm able to think. My wife has been very sorry this whole time and has been very cooperative with the healing process. She has allowed me to have all of her passwords for any account she's ever had and doesn't care when I'm looking in them. Of course I already had her passwords and looked before she gave me permission. Not much evidence of anything there. I've stopped looking in them now because there's no need. She also has answered every question asked with the truth (finally). She is going to marriage counseling with me and wants to. We went to our first session already and we are making progress. We have an agreement that if I start asking her stuff she isn't freaking out and answers my questions. She has fulfilled this agreement 100%. She is making a real effort to help the situation rather than hurt it. According to her this stopped 3+ years ago and she hasn't looked back. She stopped contact with the guy a long time ago which has been confirmed by friends of friends. Moving forward I want to work on staying married as I still love her. Yea, she broke the trust but she is making the right decisions right now. She does know that the second I think she isn't doing the right thing I'm gone. I left the house for a week to just think and that killed her. I am now back in the house and the kids missed me so I feel good about that. I know some will tell me I'm crazy but I've got to give this a chance to heal. We both know that a divorce lawyer is on speed dial and that it's still on the table. Bye for now.
Jaykay 1812 Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 Thanks for your honesty. If nothing else you have helped me a little tonight. I found out about 6 weeks ago that my husband has been cheating on me for 6 years. We are going to marraige counselling and trying to make a go of it but to be honest, one of my problems was I thought I was the only person out there willing to give their o/h another chance. I'm still not sure what will happen, not sure if this can work but at least now I know I'm not the only one that thinks it's sometimes worth staying in the ring and fighting. Wishing you ( and me ) hope and happiness in the future.
Author dontknowwhattothink Posted June 28, 2011 Author Posted June 28, 2011 Thanks for your honesty. If nothing else you have helped me a little tonight. I found out about 6 weeks ago that my husband has been cheating on me for 6 years. We are going to marraige counselling and trying to make a go of it but to be honest, one of my problems was I thought I was the only person out there willing to give their o/h another chance. I'm still not sure what will happen, not sure if this can work but at least now I know I'm not the only one that thinks it's sometimes worth staying in the ring and fighting. Wishing you ( and me ) hope and happiness in the future. I'm sorry to hear that Jaykay. I really hope that your husband and you can work this out. For my wife it only lasted about a month. I think that if this was over a period of six years I'd be gone. Try to work things out but don't be afraid to leave if it's what is best for you. Keep your eyes open but good luck. Oh yea these eyes are wide open. She knows the lawyers name and sees it on my speed dial on my cell so she knows I'm not playing. Thanks for the well wishes, I'm hoping this works out for the best but I'm getting prepared for the worst. At least your wife feels remorse for what she did. Mine did the same thing and acts like it was no big deal. This is the only reason I'm trying to hold on. She is showing genuine remorse and this really does explain the last 3-4 years. She's been depressed for "no reason" when in reality this was eating her alive. Now that it's out in the open I can see she seems to have a burden lifted. Of course now shes depressed because shes worried about our marriage, as am I. Thanks for everything guys. I hope this story helps others along the way.
bigmomma1974 Posted June 28, 2011 Posted June 28, 2011 YOu sound like be an amazing man and your wife should be thankful to have you. You arre the only one that can decide for yourself whether to stay and work on this relatiosnship and get pass this. I find it amazing your willing to do what it takes to save your marraige but you also need to protect yourself. Your wife did cheat and that is hurtful and the other spouse loses all trust. You have told your wife that you would leave if her old behaviour returns, and if it does you need to pack up your things or hers and one of you must leave the house. As for the children just remain open and honest with them and let them know if you split it has nothing to do with them. When I left my first husband my kids had very hard time dealing with it but I remained honest and explained I love them and nothing and noone can change that.That the split had nothing to do with them, Best of luck and i hope gfor your sake taht this works out and if not you gave it your best.
Torninpices Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 (edited) Thanks for your honesty. If nothing else you have helped me a little tonight. I found out about 6 weeks ago that my husband has been cheating on me for 6 years. We are going to marraige counselling and trying to make a go of it but to be honest, one of my problems was I thought I was the only person out there willing to give their o/h another chance. I'm still not sure what will happen, not sure if this can work but at least now I know I'm not the only one that thinks it's sometimes worth staying in thing is since he ended it and decided he wanted me our lives are all different because he was committed to making it Edited June 29, 2011 by Torninpices Wrong person
Torninpices Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Sorry new at this I wanted to ask you a question. Do you think it was easier because it was so long ago. I just found out that my husband of 13 years and 3kids had an affair 2years ago that lasted a year with a coworker he says not for love but just selfishness and sex. I am so messed up because since he broke it off then and decided he wanted to save our marriage we have been in a great place think I loved him 3 days ago more than ever. So what do you do he is utterly sorry and I can see that with the pain in his eyes. But how do you go on?
Author dontknowwhattothink Posted June 29, 2011 Author Posted June 29, 2011 Sorry new at this I wanted to ask you a question. Do you think it was easier because it was so long ago. I just found out that my husband of 13 years and 3kids had an affair 2years ago that lasted a year with a coworker he says not for love but just selfishness and sex. I am so messed up because since he broke it off then and decided he wanted to save our marriage we have been in a great place think I loved him 3 days ago more than ever. So what do you do he is utterly sorry and I can see that with the pain in his eyes. But how do you go on? Is the above a question for me? If so, it's hard to say. I'd have to break it down into 2 affairs. Affair 1 was at a time that we were just dating, not married, not engaged, long distance, off and on again, and both seeing other people. Those things make it easy. The hard part is her not being honest with me from the beginning. Affair 2 is the most painful. Reasons it is really painful include: we were married, we had a kid that she left town with to have her affair (used the kid as an excuse to leave town and take him to see grandparents), it started a month before our one year anniversary and the most vile things happened the weekend of our one year anniversary when she should have been with me. That is very painful and I still don't know what to do about our anniversary. We technically have two anniversaries. One is the government one (got married on paper) the other is the religious ceremony. Might start using the paper anniversary instead since she lasted a year according to that date. The things that make it less painful is the guy is a second version of me. He plays guitar like I did, he looks very much like me, he reminded her of us when we first started dating. It's not like she went out and found someone exact opposite of me. Another thing that makes it easier on me is that she quit without me finding out. It was a one time thing and she realized how selfish, stupid, dangerous, and vile it was and stopped immediately. That has been confirmed by other sources that are very reliable. Of course none of these things are easy. To be honest I think I got off easy on this one compared to other stories I've read in here. The fact remains, she tore our marriage apart because she was selfish. It is going to take time and effort to try to fix and in all honesty may never be fixed. I'm going to try because I think for now that's the best thing to do. If it doesn't work out at least I tried. We really are making progress with marriage counseling and we have pretty much started over. Going out on dates a lot more often. Tonight we are gonna go watch Transformers 3. Yea, not romantic but we get out of the house together and we usually have long chats in the car that are helpful. Our kids are age 3 almost 4 and 1. Our youngest has a disability and may go blind because of it. That alone was tearing our marriage apart and we had already started seeking marriage counseling, that's why we got in for it so fast. Anyways, that was a lot of rambling but I hope this helps. Like I said earlier, if she had been doing this to me for 6 years I would not be trying to work it out. One month and quitting is better than 6 years of it. I probably would have left for good if it was 6 years.
Torninpices Posted June 29, 2011 Posted June 29, 2011 Thanks for sharing I have a lot to think about. Good luck
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