I'm not happy when we are a couple and I'm miserable when we are not..... ?

[Booyah171]

First a little back story. I was separated from my wife about 2 years ago. We have a four year old and a two year old. My kids stay at my place four days out of seven every week. I love them more than life itself. I started dating this girl about a year and a half ago. It's been off and on (mostly on) except when she tried to reconcile with her ex. We were very good together but a lot of little things she did drove me batty. We were seven years apart in age but I thought she was mature enough (or maybe I should have looked in the mirror) to handle it. Before we got back together after her reconciliation failed she hasn't been around my kids a whole lot. She hasn't seen them for almost four or five months. Prior to this she was very close with them but didn't like how I would bend over backwards for them. She was upset that I didn't love her as much as I love them. (she doesn't have any kids so she doesn't understand). It seemed when we were together I would push her away. I would be verbally abusive (start fights, etc) and just act like I didn't care. Whenever she had enough she would tell me to get lost and then I would start caring! I think in the back of my mind I felt that if we were together then my family would never get back together. My ex-wife and I still see each other almost every day but it's not like there are any feelings there. I want to be with my kids every day! I pick them up from the babysitters on a Tuesday and drop them off Wednesday morning. I pick them up Thursday and take them back Saturday morning. I see them almost every day but it's not enough.

 

Well it happened again like I knew it would. She had started getting distant because the fighting was getting worse. It wasn't always me (she would get mad because I was still communicating with my ex-wife for example) and the last time she got mad was because I wanted to spend an hour with my relative that I hardly see on her day off. She had four days in a row off that we were going to be together but she wouldn't give up that hour. It went downhill pretty quick after that and she decided she "needed time to think" which is what she said when she tried to reconcile with her ex.

 

I haven't seen her for over a week now. I haven't had any texts from her (or sent her any) for three days.

 

If she bugs the hell out of me when we are together then why the hell am I so upset?!?!?!? It doesn't make any sense! I am just miserable. I keep telling myself all the things I didn't like about her just to try to make me feel better but it doesn't help. We had.... something. Some sort of connection. It wasn't just sexual but a real, true connection.

 

Anyone have any insight? I know I'm a selfish jerk who is getting what he deserves but I don't understand why I act the way that I do.

 

Thanks.

[LjHappyDays]

I kind of felt the same with my ex.... When i was with him i was sometimes fed up and wanted to be on my own, then we split up or i didnt see him when he worked away and i was in pieces.

 

'You Don't No What You've Got Till It's Gone' <--- This is so true.

 

I think sometimes we want things we cant have, but we have the most perfect thing right in front of us.

 

Its also because youre used to been with that person and the change makes you miss the little things you once did on that certain day/time of day.

 

But you have to think 'Was i really happy? Or am i wanting them because i cant face the change?'

 

This is what ive had to think, because god i loved that man, i really did but sometimes you have to think of their happiness. And i want him to be happy. Although now its fresh and its hard i think i no its the right thing to do.

 

Because no begging him back or crying for him is gunna make him come back to me.... and im not even sure i want that anyway..

 

[Booyah171]

You know I think you are right. I still haven't contacted her although it's killing me but today has been kind of rough for some reason. I think I can't face the change. I can't stand the thought of her being with someone else when it felt so perfect. The last thing she said to me (via text) was that she needed time to think. This was the same thing she told me before. She didn't bother to tell me at the time she was trying to get back with her ex and that was the real reason. We had three or four nights a week where we would see each other and when those nights come around (like tonight) it kills me. Then I think how annoying she was, how she doesn't have kids so doesn't understand that they have to come first, how her friends didn't like me, her family didn't like me, how she was all about the money, etc.

 

If I had to make a list of what I liked and disliked the dislike list would be four times as big as the like. This is what I told myself when she broke up with me the last time...... but I still went after her and got her back.

 

I don't think I'm going to do that this time. It's been 5 days (pathetic that I'm counting the time) since I had any form of communication with her. Quite honestly it's been ten days because she was very distant prior to that.

 

We had spoke on a Monday and she told me I needed to treat her better. So I sent her roses where she works at. She said thanks but that was about it. She didn't even bother canceling her plans she made with her gf to see me. The next few days I was always the one texting her. She only replied, never initiating the conversation. We were supposed to go out on Saturday night but she had a flim-flam attitude about it. After the 3rd or 4th time of her saying "I don't care if we go out or not" I finally said "look, if you don't care then why bother?". That was when she told me she needed time to think.

 

Ugh, getting this out helps. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this. I can't tell my brother or nephew because they'll just throw it in my face later (lovely family I have). This helps but it's also making me see that she probably has someone else she is seeing.

 

Eh, what can you do?

 

Thanks for the advice and listening.

[LjHappyDays]

Of course your gunna be counting the days etc, i am too! I think the thing is - When you have a relationship with somebody you always feel like you want/need more, like your missing out but your not.

 

You are trying very very hard, this woman knows that you do too. Sending roses to her at work is the most lovliest thing ever!! (Ive never had that!!!)

 

Maybe she knows that although she doesnt want you now, you wil lbe there waiting . Your the one doing the hard work and she is loving the fact your running after her, all women love a chase.

 

Maybe tone it down she will soon think 'oh he hasnt spoke to me ?' Why?'

 

She knows you will be there and you are letting her be so sure of this.

 

Its the hardest thing evr but do not talk to her at all. If she texts you dont text back (easier said than done i no)

 

I made the mistake of texting my ex the other night saying how he is a good guy and i hoope he finds someone who makes him happy and how i will always love him.... @ 2am! Then i didnt get a reply at all..... This destroyed me BUT it also made me think hang on im trying to be nice to him and not beg for him back and he is ignoring me? It upset me but it also gave me a kick up the arse i need.

 

I miss him SOOOO much and cant imagine anyone else, but i no there will be someone else, never the same as him but different and lovely in their own way.

 

Im busy thinking about the good times of course there were bad times too. Im just not good with this change thing.

 

I want him to come to me with flowers and say 'i dont no what i was thinking, im sorry'

 

But im not going to pin all my hopes on that.

 

Im going to concentrate on my carreer and go on holiday with friends like a 19 year old should!!

 

also when she said 'i dont care if we go out or not' Is bcos she no's you will say oh please come out or like you said 'look, if you dont care why bother' - She will have loved this becos she is making you feel like she doesnt care and she may want you to think this but at the same time your still hanging on.... If you turned round and said 'ok no worries' She would have been so much more annoyed.

 

I text my ex saying how we shouldnt meet up etc anymore - he text back OK... This absolutely pissed me off - i thought he would have been like oh no but i want to see you ....

 

Be Stronger and she will come running ...

[Booyah171]

I'm trying. Really, really trying. On our last day texting I basically groveled like a baby asking for another chance. The last thing she said was she needed time apart to think. I never texted her after that. She hasn't texted me either so maybe she has found someone else? I'm through buying roses, etc to try to get her back. I'm just leaving her alone acting like I don't care.

 

You are right though, be strong. Don't get hung up on missed nights where you two used to spend together. Easier said than done.

 

How long were you two together?

[4NewRoad]

Hi Booyah,

 

NC sucks, but is a test of fire. I completely agree with the posts about how your ex is right now enjoying every single display of attention you show for her.

 

I also think that you are tied up to the customs, the things that you used to do together, the having created a routine. We humans are people who enjoy routines, they give us feelings of safety and security, but those two SHOULD NOT be confused with love!

 

I think it is GRAND that you love your kids! And as you say, that you love them more than life! Why not try to focus a bit of your energies on "more kid-love" "more kid-attention"? You see? You would do it anyway! But now is the best time to devote yourself even further, as a therapy.

 

Know you will have strong moments (you can manage to be ok with NC) and you will have weak moments (log on here and read or post!), but do not initiate contact!

 

I also believe that you should probably try to find, in time, once this healing you need to go through has settled better within yourself, a partner who will love spending time with you and your children. If they are part of you, you owe it to them, and to you, to find a good person to become part of YOUR family.

 

Breathe, stop yourself from doing things you'll later regret, and be patient and kind to yourself!

[Booyah171]

Thanks.

 

It's been a rough day or so. I went and picked my kids up yesterday and I did feel better. I'm trying to focus my energy more into making their life that much better. The problem is when I drive a lot with my job so my mind tends to wander at that point even with the radio on. I have to take my kids back tomorrow morning so Saturday will be rough once they are gone. Saturday was always our day together and it will be a week since we've communicated at all. It's so silly. I brought this on myself with the way I had been treating her..... I take that back, it wasn't *all* my fault. She was the catalyst that started the whole downward spiral. It just got worse after that.

 

Like I said I can name a dozen reasons why we shouldn't be together and only a few why we should.

 

That should tell me something right?

[LjHappyDays]

We were togther for 2and a half years .... !

 

He hasnt text me either, which has annoyed me but then it hasnt becos he hasnt seen me in a week ( i normally see him at the pub)

 

Im getting far better each day, and although you dont want to , you should think about the bad times and how you felt, so if you got back together you would get that feeling back straight away.

 

This is what i keep telling myself.

 

Also it takes a while for people to react to break ups.... like my ex seems ok with it but in a few months when it kicks in , or either of us haved moved on and we see eachother im sure all the pain will be back, so out of resepect (the little bit i have for him) i wont publicly do anything, becos i would hate it if he did it to me.