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So he gets a lap dance after you've already discussed it crosses your boundaries...

vsmini

By vsmini
in Dating

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Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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Posted

If cheating can be considered a feminist act can this be considered a masculist act. Not saying it is but the logic is just as flimsy in both cases.

snug.bunny Established Member

snug.bunny

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Posted
If cheating can be considered a feminist act can this be considered a masculist act. Not saying it is but the logic is just as flimsy in both cases.

 

Not sure about that view point. And, I wouldn't necessarily define a lap dance as "cheating". There "may" be an attraction, by the individual towards the dancer, and I suppose that is where individual views/beliefs/boundaries come into play.

 

OP's friend and her boyfriend had a mutual agreement and he crossed it, and told her after the fact. I think that's the bigger issue here, more so then going with a bunch of friends to a strip club for a bachelor party and getting a lap dance.

heartshaped Established Member

heartshaped

Posted
Posted

I've been pretty content to just lurk on this thread, but I think some are missing the real issue.

 

The fact of the matter is we all have things we won't tolerate in dating relationships. It doesn't really matter what these things are or why we have these 'rules', but they are in place because they are things we are not comfortable with or do not agree with. If you communicate these things to your partner, said partner agrees, and then said partner consciously goes against what the two of you have previously agreed on..it's a sign of a lack of respect for you and your morals and ideals. I don't tolerate a lack of respect in any of my relationships dating or otherwise and I wouldn't recommend someone else to do so either. It's a slippery slope.

EasyHeart Established Member

EasyHeart

Posted
Posted
If you have even a shred of self-respect, you won't force yourself to accept things that hurt you or make you uncomfortable just because you're terrified of being dumped or lonely.
If you have even a shred of self-respect, you wouldn't think everything is about YOU and you wouldn't let every little thing make you feel uncomfortable.
sweetjasmine Established Member

sweetjasmine

Posted
Posted
If you have even a shred of self-respect, you wouldn't think everything is about YOU and you wouldn't let every little thing make you feel uncomfortable.

 

You're right: it's not about me. It's about EasyHeart: what he wants for his relationships is what everyone should want. Anything else is unfair and ridiculous.

 

When I come home tonight, I'm going to sit down with my SO and tell him that he needs to stop being a micromanaging self-centered brat with no self-respect and just force himself to be comfortable with me going to a strip club and getting lap dances from some really cut dudes with huge packages. Because EasyHeart said that's the way it should be, and what EasyHeart thinks about relationships in general is more important than what my SO thinks about our relationship or how my SO would feel if I broke my promise and told him to get over himself for being hurt about it.

 

Thank you for saving our relationship. I don't know what would've happened had my SO and I continued to agree on the topic. What would we do without internet strangers defining everyone's relationship for them? :love:

EasyHeart Established Member

EasyHeart

Posted
Posted
You're right: it's not about me. It's about EasyHeart: what he wants for his relationships is what everyone should want. Anything else is unfair and ridiculous.

 

When I come home tonight, I'm going to sit down with my SO and tell him that he needs to stop being a micromanaging self-centered brat with no self-respect and just force himself to be comfortable with me going to a strip club and getting lap dances from some really cut dudes with huge packages. Because EasyHeart said that's the way it should be, and what EasyHeart thinks about relationships in general is more important than what my SO thinks about our relationship or how my SO would feel if I broke my promise and told him to get over himself for being hurt about it.

 

Thank you for saving our relationship. I don't know what would've happened had my SO and I continued to agree on the topic. What would we do without internet strangers defining everyone's relationship for them? :love:

You're welcome!

Houndsoflove Member

Houndsoflove

Posted
Posted
I've been pretty content to just lurk on this thread, but I think some are missing the real issue.

 

The fact of the matter is we all have things we won't tolerate in dating relationships. It doesn't really matter what these things are or why we have these 'rules', but they are in place because they are things we are not comfortable with or do not agree with. If you communicate these things to your partner, said partner agrees, and then said partner consciously goes against what the two of you have previously agreed on..it's a sign of a lack of respect for you and your morals and ideals. I don't tolerate a lack of respect in any of my relationships dating or otherwise and I wouldn't recommend someone else to do so either. It's a slippery slope.

 

Exactly. This isnt a discussion about strippers, feminism, or what everyone elses opinion of them should be. It's about two people in a relationship in which boundaries and trust were broken.

EasyHeart Established Member

EasyHeart

Posted
Posted

Or, it could be that if you set up enough ridiculous rules, inevitably one will get broken.

LittleTiger Established Member

LittleTiger

Posted
Posted (edited)
Or, it could be that if you set up enough ridiculous rules, inevitably one will get broken.

 

If you're incapable of being honest and open with your partner about what you believe is a reasonable boundary and you pretend that you're happy with the agreed boundaries (even if you're not) - then yes, one will inevitably get broken. This is hardly the basis of a healthy and happy LTR.

 

You said earlier that your particular dealbreaker (boundary/rule or whatever else you want to call it) is having sex with someone else - whatever your personal definition of sex might be - and you clearly find a 'no lapdancing' rule to be ridiculous. However, there are many people who enjoy swinging and open marriages who would consider your 'no sex' rule to be ridiculous too.

 

Every one of us is different and our own boundaries/rules/dealbreakers/acceptable behaviour all determine who will or won't be compatible with us. A dealbreaker could be anything and some will seem more ridiculous than others - squeezing the toothpaste at the wrong end or leaving the toilet seat up (or down), smoking, farting in public, being a practical joker, having a dangerous job, watching porn, wanting certain kinds of sex (oral, anal, bondage etc), wearing the 'wrong' clothes in public, flirting, visiting strip clubs, getting lapdances, having sex with other people, taking part in orgies, being a porn star ........... the list goes on and on and on......

 

Golden Rule: Never promise your partner you will (or will not) do something if you know that you probably can't (or don't want to) keep that promise.

Edited by LittleTiger
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