So he gets a lap dance after you've already discussed it crosses your boundaries...

June 15, 2011

I'm sorry to say, but I think your friend is deathly paranoid.

A good relationship is a good relationship. If she's judging a relationship on one deal-breaker a year into it, there are some underlying issues. Absolutely there are. She may be using this "opportunity" to express it.

Especially if she is focusing on this particular issue and the upcoming bachelor parties (some of which you mentioned 1+ year from now).

But again, he did break her rule. So I don't have qualms with her ending the relationship because of it. But I firmly believe that there is something else going on, or she has some deep self esteem issues or something. Doesn't sound like a quality girl in my eyes.

Well let me put it to rest. I'm one hell of a quality girl that has her head on straight and am in a very good relationship and I honestly, if put in the same situation would be just as confused.

As a man - and a woman crossed a boundary with you....would you have any issues with it or would it just be an open and shut case of "let it go."

June 15, 2011

Really? So because he went to a strip club and got a lap dance (that someone else paid for) he's now going to go and do a whole bunch of other bad things?

Here's the real issue: they really don't have a lot of common values. He's a little more flexible on things and she's really uptight. This relationship was doomed from the start because they were incompatible, not because of his "infidelity".

:laugh:Why does it matter who paid for it? Please tell me that's not an actual argument you would use.

They don't have a lot of common values? How could you gather that from this post? The thing is they have many common values and they actually talked about this months ago and he said he AGREED with her....and said he doesn't/wont get them.

How does that spell out incompatibility?

June 15, 2011

Well let me put it to rest. I'm one hell of a quality girl that has her head on straight and am in a very good relationship and I honestly, if put in the same situation would be just as confused.
As a man - and a woman crossed a boundary with you....would you have any issues with it or would it just be an open and shut case of "let it go."

Well if you would be considering ending the relationship then I would say there was more turmoil in the relationship beyond the strip club issue. As I've said before, most people are willing to give their SO more than one chance (often over more significant transgressions) if one strip club incident does in a relationship I would say either a) someone's got a naive view of relationships or b) there are other problems.

June 15, 2011

Well if you would be considering ending the relationship then I would say there was more turmoil in the relationship beyond the strip club issue. As I've said before, most people are willing to give their SO more than one chance (often over more significant transgressions) if one strip club incident does in a relationship I would say either a) someone's got a naive view of relationships or b) there are other problems.

She actually is a bit concerned that she has a naive view of relationships.

She has been in previous relationships where boundaries were crossed and she constantly let them slide. So she made sure that it would never happen again. Now a firm boundary has been broken and she can either talk the talk or walk the walk.

Aside from cheating/lap dances/affairs she doesn't have this long list of what he can or can't do. It's really not like that.

What she thinks is wrong has been discussed with him, he agreed and then did it anyway. Puts her in a position where she can let the relationship either sink or swim.

June 15, 2011

:laugh:Why does it matter who paid for it? Please tell me that's not an actual argument you would use.

I'm a woman, and I wouldn't go to a strip club anyway. Most of my friends are uptight academics too busy reading or doing some kind of research to go to one so that would never happen.

They don't have a lot of common values? How could you gather that from this post? The thing is they have many common values and they actually talked about this months ago and he said he AGREED with her....and said he doesn't/wont get them. How does that spell out incompatibility?

Clearly they don't view strip clubs in quite the same way, and if he said he did then he clearly lied or he caves to peer pressure more than she would like. Therefore they clearly do not have the same values or aren't compatible. You don't seriously believe that one incident like this dooms an entire relationship on its own do you?

June 15, 2011

I'm a woman, and I wouldn't go to a strip club anyway. Most of my friends are uptight academics too busy reading or doing some kind of research to go to one so that would never happen.

Clearly they don't view strip clubs in quite the same way, and if he said he did then he clearly lied or he caves to peer pressure more than she would like. Therefore they clearly do not have the same values or aren't compatible. You don't seriously believe that one incident like this dooms an entire relationship on its own do you?

I think disrespecting the other person and knowing full well you are doing it and crossing boundaries dooms a relationship.

June 15, 2011

I'm sorry to say, but I think your friend is deathly paranoid.

A good relationship is a good relationship. If she's judging a relationship on one deal-breaker a year into it, there are some underlying issues. Absolutely there are. She may be using this "opportunity" to express it.

Especially if she is focusing on this particular issue and the upcoming bachelor parties (some of which you mentioned 1+ year from now).

But again, he did break her rule. So I don't have qualms with her ending the relationship because of it. But I firmly believe that there is something else going on, or she has some deep self esteem issues or something. Doesn't sound like a quality girl in my eyes.

I'd also like to say - it's not paranoia. It's not as if she's saying "omg - he's going to cheat on me with co-workers now!" It's more like...."when/if it happens again at another bachelor party what do I do then? do I have to let it slide because I let this one slide?" It's more like that. Not the shrill, insecure girl that's worried because her boyfriend is talking to an attractive co-worker for 5 minutes.

June 15, 2011

She actually is a bit concerned that she has a naive view of relationships.

She has been in previous relationships where boundaries were crossed and she constantly let them slide. So she made sure that it would never happen again. Now a firm boundary has been broken and she can either talk the talk or walk the walk.
Aside from cheating/lap dances/affairs she doesn't have this long list of what he can or can't do. It's really not like that.

What she thinks is wrong has been discussed with him, he agreed and then did it anyway. Puts her in a position where she can let the relationship either sink or swim.

She's gotta do what makes her comfortable and most happy. If that means ending then so be it. But in my experience when someone is considering ending a relationship there's usually more than one thing wrong. So, in my opinion, the strip club boundary thing is merely the last straw. If, however the relationship is otherwise healthy and she is happy, then I suggest staying the course (albeit with some frank discussions) and putting happiness above artificial boundaries. Again, just my .02

June 15, 2011

She's gotta do what makes her comfortable and most happy. If that means ending then so be it. But in my experience when someone is considering ending a relationship there's usually more than one thing wrong. So, in my opinion, the strip club boundary thing is merely the last straw. If, however the relationship is otherwise healthy and she is happy, then I suggest staying the course (albeit with some frank discussions) and putting happiness above artificial boundaries. Again, just my .02

That's good advice. Thank you. I really believe that this truly is the only speedbump they have ever come across in their relationship so hopefully it can be kept.

June 15, 2011

I think disrespecting the other person and knowing full well you are doing it and crossing boundaries dooms a relationship.

Depending on the length of the relationship that's bound to happen at some point at least once. People are intrinsically selfish, even the best person has weak moments. Perfect relationships where both parties always do right and act the very best don't exist.

June 15, 2011

But I think expecting perfection also dooms a relationship. There has to be love, tolerance and forgiveness too.

It's a fine line. You don't want to be played but you don't want to be a stone cold b* either.

Exactly! And this is where she's at. She doesn't want to say OFF WITH HIS HEAD the second he does something wrong.....but she certainly wants to in some respect..

June 15, 2011

In that case, I would stick him in the dog house for a few days til I cooled off a bit. Then I would probably forgive him. After making him talk about it ad naseum and grovel of course. He must pay.

This sounds like a pretty good solution.

June 15, 2011

I think that if it's a bachelor party exceptions should be made.

June 15, 2011

Imagine what the guys would have thought of him if he said, "nah, man. My gf prohibits me from getting lap dances." He would look like the biggest wimp ever!

How about "I'm not going to get a lap dance because I don't want to", because he made a commitment that he intends to respect?

When a good friend of mine got married, her husband refused to have a bachelor party at a strip club. My friend didn't really care, but he isn't into strippers or porn, and told them it wouldn't be any fun for him. They pressed the issue, but he emphatically said no. He wanted to drink some beers, jam and make music, and hang out, and that's what they did.

I'd like to reverse the roles here, where she gets a guy to rub on her. I'm pretty sure whatever her reasons were for doing it would be a moot point. Women are asked to tolerate embarrasing behavior because "men are men." PFFFFTT.

Right. Imagine if the woman had gone to a strip club for her bachelorette party, and allowed a stripper to grind his cock all over her privates. This is the equivalent.

But you know, it's OK, because if she didn't do it, her friends would think she isn't cool.

June 15, 2011

But I think expecting perfection also dooms a relationship.

Not letting other women grind on your dick = perfection? Wow. High standards!

June 15, 2011

Not letting other women grind on your dick = perfection? Wow. High standards!

Love it. I so agree.

June 15, 2011

I find bachelor and bachelorette parties to be so retarded, for this and many reasons. I can't justify a "it was a bachelor party" defense because any way I try to understand anything that happens at a typical "bachelor" party ends up with me feeling like I'm being condescending, so I don't even bother.

June 15, 2011

I think that it generally it will be easier for him to agree to her boundaries and stick to them if he shares her values about what is appropriate and respectful. My ex-H did not share these values and he did not respect me. This was exemplified when he made it a point to drunkenly announce to me in front of both the bachelor and bachelorette parties (his crashed mine at the karaoke bar) that he HAD, in fact, gotten a lap dance earlier from a girl that looked like Halle Berry. This, after we had a similar discussion where we agreed he wouldn't have a lapdance.

In hindsight, I think the reason for me asking him to refrain had to do with my inner instincts. I don't think I would have been bothered nearly so much were he a different type of man. Turned out he was sleeping with our wedding planner and heaven knows who else both before and after our ceremony, so that inner nagging voice was right, and I definitely had reason to be concerned about his behavioral boundaries. That being said, I know now that I could never "force" him to honor me, or the idea of a relationship, if he didn't want to himself.

I would guess that if this guy is otherwise an upstanding person who understands and even goes so far as to agree that a lapdance is disrespectful to his partner, he behaved weakly and made a mistake. However, if he is "chafing at the bit" so to speak and only saying what she wants to hear to placate her, it could be the start of more troubles to come. It is up to his partner to decide if she wants to work with either of these two scenarios.

June 15, 2011

If she's judging a relationship on one deal-breaker a year into it...

That is why it's called a 'deal-breaker,' though. This wasn't just something she might not like much, or even one of her notably important issues, it was one of her 'deal-breakers.'

As I've said before, most people are willing to give their SO more than one chance (often over more significant transgressions)

I am not sure that it's fair for any of us to sit in judgment over how significant or insignificant an issue is. For some people, cybersex with a stranger is insignificant. For some people, paying for a handjob at a happy ending joint is insignificant. For some people, a naked woman rubbing her ass on a man's clothed erection is insignificant.

For many other people, those things are all a pretty big deal.

Different strokes.

I think disrespecting the other person and knowing full well you are doing it and crossing boundaries dooms a relationship.

I agree that it's a problem. I absolutely give him points for admitting it, but I would feel betrayed, too, in her position...and yes, I would question his integrity and backbone, since he knew her stance and agreed to it.

But I think expecting perfection also dooms a relationship. There has to be love, tolerance and forgiveness too.

It's a fine line. You don't want to be played but you don't want to be a stone cold b* either.

I hear the argument that people are making, about the fabulous year long relationship, and if it were a longer relationship or a marriage, I'd be much more sympathetic to this because I do agree that humans are fallible and forgiveness is important, etc. etc., but...a year of dating really isn't that long or magical or life-altering. Are they living together?

I think that if it's a bachelor party exceptions should be made.

Meh. I think the sanctity of the bachelor/bachelorette party thing is overblown and way too often used as an excuse to justify ****ty behavior.

How about "I'm not going to get a lap dance because I don't want to", because he made a commitment that he intends to respect?

When a good friend of mine got married, her husband refused to have a bachelor party at a strip club. My friend didn't really care, but he isn't into strippers or porn, and told them it wouldn't be any fun for him. They pressed the issue, but he emphatically said no. He wanted to drink some beers, jam and make music, and hang out, and that's what they did.

My husband didn't have a strip club bachelor party either--I can only think of one friend who did that. They're so outmoded and cliche, IMO. I don't know, it's not big in my local subculture so it's hard to empathize with the reverence this seems to inspire in some posters.

Me, I don't know as I'd kick him to the curb but I do know I'd lose a lot of respect for my husband if he did something he knew would hurt me, because he didn't want his friends to tease him or think something bad about him. That seems like the weak reasoning of a child, and that would be a turn-off. It makes me think of my parents exasperatedly asking me if all my friends jumped off a bridge, would I jump off too? back when I was thirteen and struggling to deal with peer pressure. Anyway, I'd have to think about it for a while.

I find bachelor and bachelorette parties to be so retarded, for this and many reasons. I can't justify a "it was a bachelor party" defense because any way I try to understand anything that happens at a typical "bachelor" party ends up with me feeling like I'm being condescending, so I don't even bother.

Yeah. The whole thing just seems...lame.

On a happy note, I guess I'm glad I sowed my wild oats and traveled and lived life to it's fullest when I was younger so I didn't have to make some desperate last bid for a seedy strangerdanger adventure when I was finally marrying the love of my life.

June 15, 2011

I'd love to see a man stating that he doesn't really mind that his girlfriend is getting horny grinding a naked guy in a night club.

June 15, 2011

I think it's a bit extreme to throw out an otherwise great year-long relationship over a lap dance at a bachelor party.

Even if the boundaries were previously discussed and he crossed them.

Of course she may feel justified but it's way overkill IMHO.

This is a good opportunity for her to reinforce her viewpoint AND practice forgiveness, but if she dumps him over this I agree there probably is something else going on.

Edited June 15, 2011 by OliveOyl

June 15, 2011

Why did he tell her? Nobody got pregnant, or infected, it's not a regular thing, and there was no emotional bond formed. So what's the threat? I just don't get why she was looking for trouble and he was offering it to her.

June 15, 2011

Why did he tell her? Nobody got pregnant, or infected, it's not a regular thing, and there was no emotional bond formed. So what's the threat? I just don't get why she was looking for trouble and he was offering it to her.

What does that have to do with anything?

June 15, 2011

Why did he tell her? Nobody got pregnant, or infected, it's not a regular thing, and there was no emotional bond formed. So what's the threat? I just don't get why she was looking for trouble and he was offering it to her.

Maybe he secretly doesn't want to be with a woman who puts him in the fun position of looking like a total tool in front of his friends or betraying his word to her.

She shouldn't have put him in such a position and he shouldn't have agreed to no lap dances. Sounds like they both have some learning to do. Ruby is right though, she set a limit and he broke it so now she's forced to dump him. Her own fault really though.

I'd love to see a man stating that he doesn't really mind that his girlfriend is getting horny grinding a naked guy in a night club.

The bachelor party is a manly rite of passage, and yes it's a double standard. They still exist, doesn't mean they are always wrong. You aren't doing your relationship any favors by not taking the guy's last name when getting married and you certainly aren't by setting him up for humiliation in front of his friends.

June 15, 2011

Just based on reading the first post.

I would say, if you draw a line in the sand, and the other person crosses it. And then you let it slide. Basically you have opened the door, to that person thinking they can cross other lines and you will let those slide too.

If we say something is a deal breaker and your partner does it, it better be a deal breaker.

I have learnt the hard way in 2 very different relationships.

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So he gets a lap dance after you've already discussed it crosses your boundaries...

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