sharky Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Hi everyone. I'm unfortunately looking for advice on how to handle all this... Ive been married to my husband for a little over 2 years. We have an 11 week old little boy. Husband liked to use a webcam site to talk to people online. This is an adult oriented site, and was sexually charged much of the time. He used it pretty much daily. I used to, but haven't in a year or more, I guess the novelty wore off. Its been a source of tension, as it bugs me that he'd rather talk to random people online than me, but whatever. We haven't had sex in a few months, partially because I was recovering from childbirth, and my hormones have been nuts. Husband has also been dealing with some depression/anxiety. We talked about this last week in detail, and committed to actively work to fix it. All this info, just for background. So recently he'd been talking more to a woman on there, they exchanged numbers and he helped her with computer issues. I didn't really mind them chatting, because I had the utmost trust in him. Saturday night, baby and I went to bed, and husband was playing on his site. He came and woke me and said that this girl was stuck 3 hours away with her drunk, abusive boyfriend, and he wanted to help her and go get her. Having complete trust in him, I agreed, even though it was 2am, and I didn't have good feelings about it. I dismissed all that and let him go, because he wants to help everyone. I asked that he keeps me posted and use google latitude so I can see where he is in his trip. He did, and called me around 5 that he had picked her up and was taking her home. She lives about an hour from us. He called at 630 or 7 that he'd gotten to her house, and she was going to cook him breakfast in thanks. Fine, sure, no problem. Meanwhile, im hanging on the porch with our son and pup. I send him a few pics of the dog, etc. He responds. I notice on latitude he's there for well over an hour. Probably 2. Still thinking nothing of it, I ask when he'll be home. A few mins later he calls and is on his way. And is acting weird. He tells me they were flirty,but nothing came of it. Then he says that he had sexual thoughts about her, but nothing came of it. Also said they talked about romantic things for me, ans about her pure romance business. He says he hates having thoughts like that, and feels guilty. I tell him its ok. He gets home and is upset about the thoughts. I tell him that using that site just sets him up for this. I asked him point blank if anything happened with her, since he was being so weird, and he said no. We talked about this some more. A few minutes later he finally tells me. They masturbated for each other. Naked, pleasuring themselves watching each other. He swore nothing else happened, and told me that this was how he rationalized dealing with his fantasies. That he thought it would be ok and he wouldn't feel guilty because they didn't touch. I was shocked, numb, pissed, betrayed, you name it. I felt like it knocked the breath out of me. Never in 8million years would I dream he would do that. I know it wasn't full on sex, but in my mind its still very much cheating. He's been very remorseful, sorry, blah blah blah. But its almost annoying to me. We haven't told anyone, and he's still at home. We both very much want to work it out. I can't get this out of my head though. I can almost see it, and I don't even know her. I am so deeply hurt, I feel like I could cry at anytime. I don't even know how I feel. Mad. Sad. Crushed. Ugh. How can I cope? How do I get over this? How on earth do I ever trust him again? Is this really cheating? Am I overreacting? Should I react more harshly? Im so conflicted. Thanks for reading my novel, and for any input you may have.
Steen719 Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 To me, this is one of the reasons I feel that technology has so negatively affected us. The cyber sex people are involved with has now translated into the bedroom. So, instead of cheating where they meet up by having real sex, they have what they would have on a computer together. Jeez! This is cheating; make no mistake about it. I am so sorry this has happened to you and you with a baby. OMG. I think that any way you look at it, this is not right and he has some work to do to make it right. Do not let him tell you that it is not cheating and that because they did not actually have sex, that it is alright. I am sorry to say, but that is coming down the pike at you and fast. You need to take control and find someone to talk to you about this who cares about you. Do you have family near? A sister? A good friend? If not, see a counselor and get him to go with you. Now! I would start by telling him that this is not acceptable at any time. He needs to quit his web cam ways. Concentrate on the baby right now if you can. Best of luck.
PinkInTheLimo Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 They masturbated for each other. Naked, pleasuring themselves watching each other. He swore nothing else happened, and told me that this was how he rationalized dealing with his fantasies. That he thought it would be ok and he wouldn't feel guilty because they didn't touch. Where is the abusive boyfriend if you need them? Seriously, you and your husband have serious issues. For a starter, you have to make your sex life about the two of you and only the two of you. By visiting some adult website and chatting there, you put the cat next to the milk as we say it. Clear boundaries have to be established with people who are not in your relationship and your husband needs to get help for his anxiety and his depression. Because if he thinks that sex with strangers is going to solve that, he is deluding himself. And yes, it is cheating.
nyrias Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 Where is the abusive boyfriend if you need them? Seriously, you and your husband have serious issues. For a starter, you have to make your sex life about the two of you and only the two of you. By visiting some adult website and chatting there, you put the cat next to the milk as we say it. Clear boundaries have to be established with people who are not in your relationship and your husband needs to get help for his anxiety and his depression. Because if he thinks that sex with strangers is going to solve that, he is deluding himself. And yes, it is cheating. Wait .. there is NO CHEATING up to the point he was doing this thing at the girls house and concealed it. There was NO DECEPTION before. He used the site with the FULL KNOWLEDGE *and* approval of his wife. It is pretty clear that cheating is defined by deception on LS. In this particular case, I think the OP has *some* responsibility. As pointed out before, the OP's decision has contributed to the circumstances where the WS is in a position of great temptation which he obviously should but did not resist. It still does not excuse the behavior, but certainly it contributed to it.
Steen719 Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 I understand that we all have to take responsibility for our actions or lack of actions, particularly lack of sex, but dear Lord. This woman had a baby 3 months ago. Push a human being out of your body and see how sexual you feel. The change in hormones in some women is enough to drive you mad and if you have ever experienced it, you know what I mean. Was she naive in thinking what he was doing was alright? Yes, but treating her on here like she is all the fault for what he did is absolutely wrong. People do not do things they would not ordinarily do just because they are reacting to what their spouse does. Would you have a dalliance because your wife looked the other way, despite the signs? If so, that is telling about your character, as well. It is easy to blame her what he did, but the truth of the matter is not one person held a gun to his head and said you have to do this. He and he alone, made this decision to cheat on his wife. If he is not happy with her and the lack of sex, he needs to tell her. I am so freaking sick of the spouse being blamed for every freaking thing.
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