calndn Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Just as im feeling better (dont know if any of you have seen my recent posts) but literally been feeling better recently especially over the last few days been really feeling good and I go to catch up with my mates tonight and who is in the pub....my bloody ex!! It was ok, I actually didnt feel anything, dont think I have for a while, he didnt look good, hes put even more weight on. That doesnt matter but it makes a difference in my head!! I saw him as i was approaching and thought god do i say hi do i ignore what do i do!! It was clear he saw me and was prob thinking the same but it looked like he wasnt going to say hi so I thought id be the better person and do it, walked over to the table him and his mates were on (i know his mates) and mine tagged along with me (he knows them too) and just said a quick hi then walked off sat at a table other end and that was that he soonish after got up and walked off leaving his mates. Im ok....dont feel upset at all dont feel ive taken a step back but I did feel a little emotional...a bit like 'this just sucks'. Put a little downer on the evening but didnt ruin it just a bit typical he was there. Why is it when you feel good they rear their ugly head again?? I hope this doesnt make me take some steps backwards I dont think it will but it just got me thinking about this girl I think hes seeing and all that again....literally sucks. But I do know I dont want him anymore and that will never happen. rant over. xx
light_vader Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 Well it's complicated (tell me, I have to see my "bloody" ex all day at work :| talking to all the guys she's banging), but I think maybe a total no contact would have been better? Like, total indifference, which is what I think one should feel after you're over a person. I mean, there is LOVE: You are still in love with your EX, make contact by all means necessary or drown on your own pity. HATE: The ex is now your enemy, you despise the person and this is not healthy, fills you with a negative feeling and the worst part, you come across the ex and you feel like you wanna kill him/her, because after all it's your enemy, right? INDIFFERENCE: If you work, or study, there must be tons of people that you are not even aware of, they're indifferent to you. Whatever they do with their lives, whatever they're going through, saying, thinking, you simply don't care. I think this is where we all should be someday, and would mean we're totally over our exes. Obviously it's not like you can forget their faces and all.. but you get the point on simply.. .don't caring. Maybe just a little "Ohh there goes an ex o' mine" and that's it. Unless you guys had a "great" breakup (I guess not since you're here hehe) I think the need to say hi or how dya doing or whatever, whenever you come across him is unnecessary unless 20 years have past and you see him at a train station or something hehe... But yeah, I'm just learning and not an expert in relationships... so I think at least that zero contact absolutely is what I'd do in that situation. In mine, is obvious zero contact, even eye contact, but then it's different because as I said, I HAVE to see her all day at work.
Good Arms Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 Well it's complicated (tell me, I have to see my "bloody" ex all day at work :| I'm exactly the same, I have to see her every day at work, and it's HORRIBLE. It feels impossible to move on. This week I've had to move to an area literally metres away from her... I could barely eat the way it affected me the first day... and hearing snippets of her conversations, seeing her joking around as though I don't exist while I'm so uncomfortable is too much for me. Even though we ended on 'amicable' terms (though in truth I was destroyed when she turned cold and dumped me) I've learned that I can't deal with speaking to her, and doubt I ever will be able to. I just avoid making any eye contact... if I HAVE to walk face to face past her, then I'll just give a quick "hello". Only done that twice in the 6+ months since breaking up, and the second time when she gave a big smile it brought back WAY too many memories. I suppose the only positive thing I can see is that occasionally I notice she's not as physically attractive as she seemed when we were in a relationship... it's crazy how the chemicals of being in love make them seem so much more than they are. And taking a step back, I'm reminded from hearing her talking that aspects of her personality never really attracted me before she asked me out... we are clearly way too different. That doesn't seem to help with the pain of rejection though sadly. If only I could get it into my head that 'it takes two to tango' and being dumped wasn't all my fault. Sorry for rambling on about my own story, I do tend to go off on a tangent... anyway, you can only do what you feel is best for you when you're faced with having to see them. It's true your mind goes into overdrive wondering "what do I do?" I think it helps to have a plan in your mind beforehand... so for me, I'll smile and say Hi if I have to directly cross paths, but otherwise just try and avoid eye contact and do everything to be as far away as I can from her at work. I still agonise over what she's thinking, worrying that I'm making it too obvious I'm uncomfortable to see her, worrying that one failure to make eye contact when close by will make her think I'm bitter. But really it shouldn't matter what they think. They dumped you and kicked you out of their life after all. Do whatever's best for you, no ex should expect you to feel obliged to speak or say hello. It's horrible seeing them, it's hard to have confidence in your actions whether you choose to acknowledge them or blank them, as you're always double guessing what they may think.
flitzanu Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 simply put, i'd mark that pub off your list. i make it a point to never go to places my ex could even 30% chance be at. avoids all awkwardness
light_vader Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 ... and hearing snippets of her conversations, seeing her joking around as though I don't exist while I'm so uncomfortable is too much for me. Yeah that sucks, I also get to hear her talk all day and laugh (she has a terrible loud laugh, not that I'm saying this out of anger or anything. Even though we ended on 'amicable' terms (though in truth I was destroyed when she turned cold and dumped me) I've learned that I can't deal with speaking to her, and doubt I ever will be able to. I just avoid making any eye contact... if I HAVE to walk face to face past her, then I'll just give a quick "hello". We did end on amicable terms but then I screwed it further by contacting her like a lost puppy and sending hurtful messages (because of the cheating), so basically we're now on a non-amicable basis i guess. My birthday was a few weeks ago and obviously she didn't even say anything to me that day, just like the others, which didn't suck because I'd had done the same was hers, but Murphy's Law is always present so that day I came across her like 5 times, maybe a reassurance from destiny she'd definitely not say happy birthday to me. I suppose the only positive thing I can see is that occasionally I notice she's not as physically attractive as she seemed when we were in a relationship... it's crazy how the chemicals of being in love make them seem so much more than they are. To me it was au contraire... like.. if she got hotter after we broke up hahaha.. which in reality is not the truth, just that when we were together I didn't consider her THAT HOT. She's cute, and slim, but not like the hottest chick around. Maybe this feeling I used to have (I think I am starting to get over her now for good since this week) was caused because of the inner self-hating low-esteem me saying "Will I ever get something like this???", which now is more like a "Sure I can, but who cares about the looks... if she ends up being like this ho'...". Looks are important, just that now I have a clear vision of what kind of female mindset I want. And taking a step back, I'm reminded from hearing her talking that aspects of her personality never really attracted me before she asked me out... we are clearly way too different. That doesn't seem to help with the pain of rejection though sadly. If only I could get it into my head that 'it takes two to tango' and being dumped wasn't all my fault. I know, this feeling is good. At first I thought she was the best woman on earth bla bla (when we just broke up). Which is ridiculous. I even remember asking my best female friend about "Can I get something better than this? She is PERFECT oh my oh my cry cry cry". What a crybaby!!! Hahaha... stupid me then. Of course I can get better, and I should have just see the signs from the start that this wouldn't work. Differences are good in a relationship, but I guess mentally we're heading different paths and that's the biggest mistake I made (believing it would work, or that I should change her, and other crazy stuff). But really it shouldn't matter what they think. They dumped you and kicked you out of their life after all. Do whatever's best for you, no ex should expect you to feel obliged to speak or say hello. It's horrible seeing them, it's hard to have confidence in your actions whether you choose to acknowledge them or blank them, as you're always double guessing what they may think. I think my friend, when you get to a certain point of indifference and getting over her for good, those feelings should disappear. And it's true. Who cares what they think, what they say, what they whisper, who they sleep with???? It's OVER, they are no longer your problem, period. Why focus on someone else who is just a tiny bit more than a stranger now, instead of focusing on YOURSELF and your HAPPINESS!
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