Fool for Love Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 ...should be my username instead of "Fool for Love," because I don't think my partner loves me any more. We have been together on and off for more than a decade and have a child together. We are both in our late forties. Throughout the years, he has left me because I was too nice to my ex, because I wasn't affectionate enough, because I didn't seem happy--you name it. At first I would hunt him down and ask him to come back. But that got old. So when he left, I would go NC until he called me saying he still loved me and wanted to get back together. He was never gone for more than three months. He claims to have had women interested in him, but says he didn't feel anything for them. I tend to believe him because he's weird that way. He has been diagnosed with a mental illness. He takes medication and, to those who don't know him, he appears normal. In fact, people are shocked when they find out. But he has a terrible job history (he's on disability now), and he often suffers from anxiety. Anyway, I've stayed with him for our kid's sake, and because he used to make me feel loved. Not lately. We used to pride ourselves on never calling each other names. But in the past few months, during arguments, he has said f**k you, motherf***er! He claims I was emasculating him by asking him why he procrastinates about household chores. Let me say in my defense that our house and yard are a wreck. I am fixing up each room as I can afford to. He doesn't help with anything unless I ask him, then remind him, then ask him again. And I do ask in a nice way. He is happy to sit in front of the computer all day. If that's not enough to make me feel ignored, he and my kid have gone on a vacation to his hometown. I couldn't go because his sister was paying for the return tickets and he knows I don't fly. (They drove his dad's car out there but were flying back.) I suggested we rent a car and drive back, but he said it was too late for his sister to get a refund on the tickets. They've been gone for about two weeks. He or my kid have called me in the mornings and at bedtime. It seemed like they only called when they couldn't talk for long--they were going to sleep or they were on their way out the door to see another landmark, or eat at another restaurant, or visit another old friend. I really missed them. But instead of saying that, I said I felt like they were avoiding calling me. Well, that led to an argument which led to me telling him to not bother to come home. Now he is not talking to me at all. My kid has called me the last few days to keep me updated. They will be back Thursday night. I guess he thinks he can ignore me until he needs a ride from the airport. I'm tired of being taken for granted. I've asked him to stay in his hometown because he doesn't have anywhere else to go. He makes less than eight hundred dollars a month, so he can't afford to live on his own. He could get a job, but he claims nobody will hire him because of his mental illness. When we fight, he usually goes to a relative's. But they will be out of town all summer. I should add that he hints at suicide when we break up. To further complicate matters, when he is nice he compliments my appearance, my intelligence, my work ethic, etc. He is a great listener and gives good advice. But is this manipulation? How can you tell someone you can't imagine being with anyone else and then call them a motherf***er? I wouldn't do that to him. I haven't. I'm tired of being ignored and/or criticized. I feel unwanted and used. We agreed to go to MC in August. I don't know if I can live with him until then. What can I do to either get him to respect me, or get him to leave? Thank you for any advice. It is appreciated.
ShatteredReality Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Well you have a few different options. Kicking him out and making him seek therapy would be the best, imo. My H was extremely verbally and emotionally abusive for the first several years of our marriage and I handled it completely wrong. I did what you're doing - I played doormat. Eventually something inside of you will crack and you will explode...or implode. Neither will be any good for you. He needs to recognize the things he's doing wrong and also be willing to change them. If not...then you may need to leave him in order to save yourself. (Or kick him out) He absolutely sounds like he's manipulating you - keeping you hanging in....talks of suicide and self mutilation are tools of manipulation. If he honestly killed himself because you left him - that even would be his actions and not yours. He needs to be able to be responsible for himself - he's an adult....he needs to learn the things that he says and does aren't going to keep you around - that just like you have to work in order to make life live-able so does he. And he needs to work on the relationship just like you do. He needs counselling. IC should start immediately - and you should attend one or two sessions...but then let him on his own for a bit to learn more about himself and how to improve his behavior. How old is your child?
Author Fool for Love Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Thank you for responding, Shattered Reality. Our child is 10. I like your advice. I'm willing to try yet again because I believe in keeping a family together. But I worry that i don't know when to give up either. He has access to free counseling through his insurance. But because he's a procrastinator, he has put off making an appointment. I'll have to ask him, remind him, and then ask him again. Ha-ha. That is, if he will even talk to me. I should add that his facebook status says he's interested in women. I guess this could be because he didn't want to come across as gay. But his relationship status is "it's complicated." That's better than "single," but why not just say he's in a relationship? He created his account a while back. I don't know what our status was then. But he can change it now! Arrgh, the more I write, the more I feel like a fool.
ShatteredReality Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I won't knock you for wanting to keep the family together. I understand the world you're living in better than a paragraph or two can express. It's really easy to tell you to tell him he needs to make a therapy appt or get out next week....but I wasn't strong enough to do it. In the end, I made the appt for him. Now...had he missed it...I might have had a real issue with him there. Maybe something to help you with some strength is to know that how you handle this will teach your 10yo a lot. You will teach him or her to either how to act as a man or how to be treated as a woman (since I don't know if you have a boy or girl). When my kids started to get older that was a huge thought for me...my oldest is 10 now and I realized I was teaching them by my inactions just as much as their father was with his actions. Or vice versa. You're not a fool...this is a problem lot's of people have...it is painful to work through it...but you have to find a way to recognize and then break the cycle of manipulation while also making him take responsibility for how he treats you - rather than you taking the blame for it.
Author Fool for Love Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 My ten year-old is a girl. I thought I could be cryptic enough to keep my family from recognizing my posts on here. But I guess I've already given enough away. I take it your relationship worked out? Sorry, for asking. I intend to read your posts so I can learn more about your situation. Thank you again.
Justice75 Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 I know what it's like to be in a verbally abusive relationship and it's difficult. I'm so sorry for you and what you are going through. Many blessings and prayers coming your way.
ShatteredReality Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 My ten year-old is a girl. I thought I could be cryptic enough to keep my family from recognizing my posts on here. But I guess I've already given enough away. I take it your relationship worked out? Sorry, for asking. I intend to read your posts so I can learn more about your situation. Thank you again. I know all about trying to be cryptic! I have done my best to make it so a friend or family member would be able to keep guessing to know for sure it's me! lol. Yes...I am still with my husband...but it was no easy feat. I'm happy to offer any life experience advice that I can - but I know every situation is different...
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