dolphin09 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I am actually the dumper in a 3 year on/off relationship. It just got to the point where I couldn't stand it anymore...he was so unaffectionate and closed off. If I said "I love you", he'd say "k". If I said "I miss you", he'd say "k". He told me girls would send him pictures on facebook yet refused to change his status to say "taken" even though I asked him many many times. He'd untag photos of us and put up nothing personal. I'd see him maybe once a week for 4 hours where we'd just watch tv because he didn't really want to do anything else I suggested. And he lives 10 minutes from me. He'd see his friends every single day even though they live about an hour away. He wouldn't ever invite me anywhere because his "friends didn't like me" even though I tried so hard to be nice to them and did nice things for them. He made me beg for sex and it usually didn't happen. I'd beg him to spend the night...I think he stayed maybe once in the last 5 months. I'd beg him to spend time with me. So, I instead spent more time with my friends, etc, but my heart ached for him and the way he'd been earlier. Mind you I am a busy person who works a full time job with many additional pursuits and I was always more than willing to move my schedule around to see him. But he would not for me. He was always "busy", even though he barely works. The final straw was, his friends asked him to not bring me to a party. These are people I had done nice things for and for their son! And he went anyway. We would not speak and then I'd find he was out with his friends someplace that he'd refused to go with me via facebook check-ins. I honestly don't believe he cheated; Ive been cheated on before and there were definite signs. I just think he's an asexual depressed person. I'm just so tired of being ignored and feeling like something is wrong with me. It is so terribly painful to sit next to someone you want to hold and have them refuse. So, technically I did the dumping, but he was already removed from the relationship. Please tell me I did the right thing. My heart is broken.
Royal Guy Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I am actually the dumper in a 3 year on/off relationship. It just got to the point where I couldn't stand it anymore...he was so unaffectionate and closed off. If I said "I love you", he'd say "k". If I said "I miss you", he'd say "k". He told me girls would send him pictures on facebook yet refused to change his status to say "taken" even though I asked him many many times. He'd untag photos of us and put up nothing personal. I'd see him maybe once a week for 4 hours where we'd just watch tv because he didn't really want to do anything else I suggested. And he lives 10 minutes from me. He'd see his friends every single day even though they live about an hour away. He wouldn't ever invite me anywhere because his "friends didn't like me" even though I tried so hard to be nice to them and did nice things for them. He made me beg for sex and it usually didn't happen. I'd beg him to spend the night...I think he stayed maybe once in the last 5 months. I'd beg him to spend time with me. So, I instead spent more time with my friends, etc, but my heart ached for him and the way he'd been earlier. Mind you I am a busy person who works a full time job with many additional pursuits and I was always more than willing to move my schedule around to see him. But he would not for me. He was always "busy", even though he barely works. The final straw was, his friends asked him to not bring me to a party. These are people I had done nice things for and for their son! And he went anyway. We would not speak and then I'd find he was out with his friends someplace that he'd refused to go with me via facebook check-ins. I honestly don't believe he cheated; Ive been cheated on before and there were definite signs. I just think he's an asexual depressed person. I'm just so tired of being ignored and feeling like something is wrong with me. It is so terribly painful to sit next to someone you want to hold and have them refuse. So, technically I did the dumping, but he was already removed from the relationship. Please tell me I did the right thing. My heart is broken. Dolphin09 first of all I can feel the pain when you love someone sooooo very much and that person is insensitive to everything you do. Secondly are you sure it was HIS FRIENDS and not HIM who didn't want you to come and came up with stories of his friends? Also the string of this relationship appears to be either very thin or broken from his end even when it was the strongest, giving and loving from yours. Are you sure he isn't alien or a robot or something. I am not kidding, the description you gave sound to me like some emotionless robot to me. You did the right thing by breaking the string from your side as well as it didn't seem like worth your time. You totally deserve someone better. Don't call yourself a dumper ( that word is a hated one around here ). Now just hold on to yourself, go NC and live a better n a new life where robots are not allowed.
Royal Guy Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 To me, It sounds like your Ex is gay. He just hasn't come out of the closet yet. He sure does love his "friends"! Oh, thats possible as well.
geegirl Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I believe you did the right thing for yourself. If the relationship was not sustaining you, then it was brave of you to walk away from an unfulfilling situation. It's hard to walk away when you love someone, even when you know it's not working for you anymore. A part of you wants and hopes that things may turn around. And when they don't you struggle to walk away wondering if you're giving up too soon. But as you said, he detached a while ago. Who wants to be with someone that's just going through the motions. A relationship should be growing not stagnating. You don't want to invest your years in someone like that. We all want a mutually loving relationship. Never, ever settle for anything less than you deserve. PS: I don't believe that his friends don't like you. I have a strong feeling he never wanted you in his circle.
Author dolphin09 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 To me, It sounds like your Ex is gay. He just hasn't come out of the closet yet. He sure does love his "friends"! ya i pondered that too. he says hes miserable and withholds that from himself to punish himself. so i was like um can you find something that doesn't involve me? you guys are all so nice....no it was actually his friends who didnt like me. pretty much he and i are the only members of his circle who went to college and i work a really good day job along with trying to do so much else with my life, like start my own business etc. most of them are unemployed and kind of have no direction at all in their lives. they would say that i don't want him to hang out with them to the point where he actually believed i didnt want him to have any friends other than me and told me this. i told him no i just wanted to be included, etc. his best friend i believe to be very toxic to him and is jealous of my ex and kind of wants him to dumb down to his level when my ex could really actually do good things with his life and id tell him this all the time. so they'd say i was controlling and manipulative when really my ex doesnt like being unemployed, doesnt like having no money,etc like they all did. id try to help him with his resume and LITERALLY called every single friend of mine to see if I could help him get hired. its just sad more than anything. thank you all for your replies it really makes me feel better about everything. thanks for being so nice to a newbie.
Royal Guy Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 (edited) ya i pondered that too. he says hes miserable and withholds that from himself to punish himself. so i was like um can you find something that doesn't involve me? you guys are all so nice....no it was actually his friends who didnt like me. pretty much he and i are the only members of his circle who went to college and i work a really good day job along with trying to do so much else with my life, like start my own business etc. most of them are unemployed and kind of have no direction at all in their lives. they would say that i don't want him to hang out with them to the point where he actually believed i didnt want him to have any friends other than me and told me this. i told him no i just wanted to be included, etc. his best friend i believe to be very toxic to him and is jealous of my ex and kind of wants him to dumb down to his level when my ex could really actually do good things with his life and id tell him this all the time. so they'd say i was controlling and manipulative when really my ex doesnt like being unemployed, doesnt like having no money,etc like they all did. id try to help him with his resume and LITERALLY called every single friend of mine to see if I could help him get hired. its just sad more than anything. thank you all for your replies it really makes me feel better about everything. thanks for being so nice to a newbie. Its really sad to know how people like his friends are doing that rather than being happy for him. But Dolphin you tried your level best to bring him up in his life, if down is all that he sees and detachment is all that he prefers with you then let it be, else neither he nor you can lead a happy life. Its really nice to know you were trying this hard and were holding on to him despite all the friction. God bless. But seriously, if he is nice at heart and knows how to differentiate between right and wrong, he will himself realize that you ever wished good for him. He has some issues and he needs to figure some stuff himself. I guess even he felt as if trying to hold on both lives together but he made a choice and so did you. And you are absolutely right where you stand. Edited June 14, 2011 by Royal Guy
Hopeless_1116 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 (edited) I am actually the dumper in a 3 year on/off relationship. It just got to the point where I couldn't stand it anymore...he was so unaffectionate and closed off. If I said "I love you", he'd say "k". If I said "I miss you", he'd say "k". He told me girls would send him pictures on facebook yet refused to change his status to say "taken" even though I asked him many many times. He'd untag photos of us and put up nothing personal. I'd see him maybe once a week for 4 hours where we'd just watch tv because he didn't really want to do anything else I suggested. And he lives 10 minutes from me. He'd see his friends every single day even though they live about an hour away. He wouldn't ever invite me anywhere because his "friends didn't like me" even though I tried so hard to be nice to them and did nice things for them. He made me beg for sex and it usually didn't happen. I'd beg him to spend the night...I think he stayed maybe once in the last 5 months. I'd beg him to spend time with me. So, I instead spent more time with my friends, etc, but my heart ached for him and the way he'd been earlier. Mind you I am a busy person who works a full time job with many additional pursuits and I was always more than willing to move my schedule around to see him. But he would not for me. He was always "busy", even though he barely works. The final straw was, his friends asked him to not bring me to a party. These are people I had done nice things for and for their son! And he went anyway. We would not speak and then I'd find he was out with his friends someplace that he'd refused to go with me via facebook check-ins. I honestly don't believe he cheated; Ive been cheated on before and there were definite signs. I just think he's an asexual depressed person. I'm just so tired of being ignored and feeling like something is wrong with me. It is so terribly painful to sit next to someone you want to hold and have them refuse. So, technically I did the dumping, but he was already removed from the relationship. Please tell me I did the right thing. My heart is broken. You did do the right thing. I was in a very similar on/off relationship for a year and was also the "dumper". It gets tiring loving someone who doesn't reciprocate that love the way you need them to. The hot and cold, up and down behaviour is exhausting. It sounds like you tried your best to stick it out and for much longer than I would have. Your relationship was stagnant. What other choice did you have? You don't want to be at a stand still for the rest of your life, do you? I contacted my ex after two months of NC hoping he'd "seen the light" and realized the error of his ways. Being the "dumper" I figured I should be the one to initiate the contact, but I quickly remembered why I broke up with him in the first place. People rarely change, and if they do they have to WANT to change. I know all too well the pain you've gone/are still going through...being ignored and put on the back burner, no physical intimacy and closeness, no affection....no effort at all by the other person. My ex wasn't like that in the beginning, so it was especially hard for me to understand the sudden change in behaviour. Had your ex always been that way? My ex said he was depressed and that was the reason for his actions. He said he knew what he was supposed to be and should be doing but couldn't bring himself to do those things. He couldn't commit to being with me 100% yet wouldn't SAY he wanted to be without me, but he didn't have to...his actions spoke louder than his words. Don't feel bad for doing what's best for you. I know it hurts so badly right now, but you will find someone who deserves your love and can give that love freely back to you in a LOVING, COMMITTED relationship. I can't stress enough that you did the right thing. Edited June 14, 2011 by Hopeless_1116
Finch Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Dolphin, from what you've written it sounds like you did what you needed to do in order to take care of yourself and your own mental health. Relationships cannot be upheld by one person alone, and three years is a lot of time to put into something while getting so little in return. You cannot fix someone else's life for them, especially when they are not willing to help themselves at the same time. A good relationship requires that both people contribute to it, and it doesn't sound like that was happening. That doesn't mean that breaking up is any easier though. It's still difficult and still hurts, but you have a responsibility to look after yourself, and sometimes ending a relationship is what it takes.
Author dolphin09 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Had your ex always been that way? . Hey there, he was great in the beginning, he actually came home to my place every day after work and had several drawers of clothes we would do everything together and he'd do things like hold my hand and kiss me. even getting a kiss from him was such a struggle at the end. he slowly moved his things out because his friends said they never saw him etc. he says he did it because he needed to know he didnt "need" me or something lame like that. it was i think about not wanting to be vulnerable to me. but his friends are some bottom-feeders, ill tell you that. Thank you all for your words of encouragement...I know in my gut I did the right thing, I just had been feeling like maybe I was "crazy" because he seems so nice to the rest of the world. It's nice to hear outside people who agree that this is not a relationship. Thank you so much everyone
Hopeless_1116 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 because he seems so nice to the rest of the world Isn't this the truth....my ex is a very successful man. He can manage people and business no problem, but when it comes to managing his personal intimate relationships he doesn't stand a chance. It makes me so angry to think how I was "taken" by him. He made me believe he was one way, when he was really another. It's the same act they put on to family and friends, and we're the ones left feeling "crazy". I know he most likely blamed me for the breakdown of our relationship, but mark my words....in their OWN time, they will have to come to terms with those they've hurt along the way, and your face will be there to remind him of the horrible things he did to someone who loved him so much. Having to look at your own reflection in the mirror with disgust...that will be a tough pill to swallow.
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