conehead Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 So I met this guy online and we've been on 3 great dates. He lives an hour south of me and so far we've only met on the weekends. Last night he wanted us to talk on the phone and well, the phone conversation just changed the way I feel about him now. He asked me what are some things I like doing so we can do them together and I named a few and he said it will be good to do them some time. He asked if I had fathers day plans and I said my father will be out of town so no. He said he's going to celebrate with his father this wknd. Then he asked me what are my wknd plans and I said so far I have a birthday dinner sunday night but other than that nothing else planned. I said the birthday dinner is actually just minutes from where he lives so I suggested if hes free that we can hang out for a bit before I attend the dinner. He said that will be great, but he doesnt know when exactly his family will be celebrating fathers day and probably wont know until his mom calls to tell him Friday night . I said that might be a bit too last minute for me and asked if he is able to find out from his mom a bit earlier and he said no he wont be able to. He said if this weekend wont work then we can meet the following weekend (which means we will be going 2 weeks without seeing each other if that happens!). He then asked me what my plans are for this week during the weekday and I said 'not much, just work' and asked him did he want to meet up during the weekday this week since the weekend is kind of up in the air. He quickly said 'oh no, im busy during weekdays and cant meet up'. At this point, I was a bit frustrated but didnt want to say anything. Then he changed the subject and asked me about my past relationships and why they didnt work out. I said each relationship didnt work out for different reasons, i dont really want to get into details, but we just had our differences etc. I then said 'so i understand you told me you never had a gf...well, what was the most number of dates you've ever gone out on with one girl?' He told me that he met one girl online for one date only and that was it about one month before he met me. Prior to that, years ago his aunt set him up on a blind date with a girl and it was only one date as well since he said he didnt really like her. He said he had one potential back in college. I asked him what he meant by potential. He said that he liked her but his parents didnt allow him to date in college. He said that he knew she liked him too but he didnt pursue her and she moved on. He said that they both had the same exact birthday and he thought that was really cool. I guess that made me jealous, esp since i wonder why he had to tell me how cool it was they had the same birthday. I asked him if he can go back in time and pursue her would he had done it and he said 'yes, definitely' and I said 'so is that something you regret not doing?' and he said 'yes, that is one thing I regret in life.' Then I said 'well, had you pursued her then you wouldnt have ever met me' and he said 'uh...yea, thats true, im glad i met you.' Then I asked him 'if you saw her again now and shes single, will you pursue her?' and he said 'i dont know, maybe...well, uh, but then that was a long time ago, and now ive met you so its different' At that point, I guess I kind of dug the grave for myself...but at the same time I couldn't help asking those questions. I told him well i admit i was a bit bothered by how he seemed so excited about her even now and emphasized how cool it was that they had the same birthday. I told him I wish I hadnt knew that. He told me he is sorry, he is not good with words. I told him its okay that he is probably just inexperienced. And he said yea that he wish he had done the online dating thing sooner. And i told him i hope that we're not dating just because i so happen to be one of the first guys available online. He said no that he's picky and he wont pursue something he didnt really want. He told me 'uhhh...im really impressed by you...um...you have a lot of qualities i like' This guy does talk with a lot of uhs and ums and he comes off as super awkward. And thus I have no idea how sincere his words are. I then opened my heart up to him. I told him that with him this is the first time in 2 years I've gone out with someone past 2 dates. I told him that i never really felt anything with the other guys and i can ususally tell within 1 or 2 dates whether something has a chance to work out. He said he feels flattered i feel this way about him. He told me, again awkwardly, that he sees a lot of potential in me and that he really likes me. I told him I think he's adorable and I wish I was talking to him in person right now so I can give him a big hug. He said he wishes he is talking to me in person too so he can give me a hug too. He said he wishes i lived closer to him so we can hang out more and I said well we live an hour from each other, which isnt exactly that far even to meet on weekdays. He once again said he's busy on weekdays and I said works keeps you busy huh and he said 'yea...work is busy...and well....i also have a routine afterward.' I said 'what routine?' and he said he goes to the gym every other day after work. At that moment, I didnt think he was adorable anymore. In my mind, I'm just thinking that if he goes to the gym every other day then he must be free every other day he does NOT go to the gym. I'm thinking if he really wants to see me than one hour drive (if we meet in the middle its only 30 mins drive each) is nothing. Only reason he doesnt want to meet on the weekdays is because he doesnt want to mess up him routine. But at that point, I stopped asking him because it seems like hes just making excuses not to see me on weekdays. He is still unsure about the weekend at that point still even after this whole converstation we had where I opened up to him. He asked me if I was ok and I said i dont know, that I was initially really excited about us but this whole phone conversation had changed the way I feel. We agreed to talk more in person the next time we meet up then we hung up. About 15 minutes later he text me that hes sorry he is so damn awkward with words and he told me that remember he did tell me in one of his online answers to his questions that this is one of his flaws. He said he communicates what he wants to say better in text. I replied back that I admit I was initially taken aback by what he said but it doesnt really bother me as much anymore and I said sorry I got him worried. I told him i really like him as a person and i to me he is perfect the way he is. I told him all i want to do now is give him a hug and kiss and i cant wait to see him. He replied back thanking me for my reassuring words and he said hed really like to hold me in his arms and kiss me as well. He said he thinks we'd be great together. All last night I was unable to sleep. I really like this guy, but that phone conversation really put a huge damper on all the excitement I had for him. I thought we had a lot of potential but not anymore. I hate having to wait to see him on his terms and i dont feel like a priority at all. It's like hed rather go to the gym and put off seeing me for 2 whole weeks! I know I'm over-reacting, but really, Im upset and disappointed.
Author conehead Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Sorry I wrote so much, but i dont know if i should continue to see this guy or not anymore. Comments appreciated.
Professor X Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Here's the thing, there's no real reason for him to give you so much priority over his routine activities. You've only been dating 3 times, that's 3 weeks from what I understood; It's nothing. If he was into you, than you might of see him as needy. Truth be told, from my POV, it seems like you guys started off on the wrong foot, and just like in business, I've learned that if the deal doesn't launch off smoothly it means it's doomed to fail; Similarly, if you start a RS on the wrong foot, I can't see much future into it. But that's just me. My RS (past and current) had the initial 2-3 months problem free.
Jono85 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Here's the thing, there's no real reason for him to give you so much priority over his routine activities. You've only been dating 3 times, that's 3 weeks from what I understood; It's nothing. If he was into you, than you might of see him as needy. this. i think you're overreacting a bit here only 3 dates in. thats crazy early. you shouldn't even wwant him to start breaking his routines for you yet. you should have to earn that just try to take things slow as hard as it seems. its different b/c ur long distance ( i know its not THAT far, but still). 2 hours of your week night just driving, not even counting the time spent hanging out, is a lot when u work the next morning. i don't think u should worry yet. a bigger red flag for me would probably be him not taking a girl past 2/3 dates before?? weird. also, why count out this weekend still?? let him tell u his plans when he finds out, and if u can see him, see him, if not, no worries, next weekend.
Author conehead Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 this. i think you're overreacting a bit here only 3 dates in. thats crazy early. you shouldn't even wwant him to start breaking his routines for you yet. you should have to earn that I know what you are saying and I agree to a certain extent but there is also the saying that if someone really wants to see you then they will make time for you. I'm not asking us to meet every single weekday, just that since we might not be able to see each other this weekend, i think its not that much to ask for him to want to change his routine for just one day so we can see each other for one weekday so we dont have to go a whole 2 weeks without seeing each other. 2 weeks is a long time considering we only live 1 hour away from each other. I don't consider 1 hour as long distance at all. Aside from this, I think I"m also disturbed by how excited he sounded talking about that girl in college, emphasizing how cool they had the same birthday, etc....it made me feel very secondary and meaningless to him. I know yes its only been 3 dates, but if hes really trying to pursue me than he's definitely saying all the wrong/uncool things.
love4me2c Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Go find something else to do this weekend and let things progress naturally. For many families, Father's Day is a time to spend with your family. I would take it as such. Not to sound harsh but you seem too attached so early in the relationship. That will be a major turnoff for men. I'm like you in that I'm picky and when I find someone I actually like, I glom onto them. However, I have had to learn to play it cool. I know it is hard, but you have to let the relationship develop at its own pace.
Author conehead Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Go find something else to do this weekend and let things progress naturally. For many families, Father's Day is a time to spend with your family. I would take it as such. Not to sound harsh but you seem too attached so early in the relationship. That will be a major turnoff for men. I'm like you in that I'm picky and when I find someone I actually like, I glom onto them. However, I have had to learn to play it cool. I know it is hard, but you have to let the relationship develop at its own pace. I know what you, I definitely tend to get attached early on. Maybe that means I will be more compatible with people who are the same way as me. My last 3 bfs all got attached to me very early on well, which is probably why they actually became relationships. My first bf and I became official after just 3 weeks of dating and he told me he is falling in love with me already.
vsmini Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 but if hes really trying to pursue me than he's definitely saying all the wrong/uncool things. Well you said it yourself didn't you? That if a guy is really interested he will make the time to see you. Granted - you guys are new so maybe he doesn't know how he feels about you yet. As of now he doesn't seem that intense about you. Maybe that will change but don't hold it against him right now. Wait one more weekend together at least.
Author conehead Posted June 15, 2011 Author Posted June 15, 2011 Well you said it yourself didn't you? That if a guy is really interested he will make the time to see you. Granted - you guys are new so maybe he doesn't know how he feels about you yet. As of now he doesn't seem that intense about you. Maybe that will change but don't hold it against him right now. Wait one more weekend together at least. He told me that he seems a lot of potential in us and that he thinks we'd be great together. He says I have a lot of qualities he likes and he thinks we have a lot in common. But he was kind of saying all those things after noticing I was upset by him not wanting to see me and him going on about the college girl. His actions aren't matching with his words. So maybe its not that he is shy or inexpereinced, he may just be plain not that interested in me. I guess I just have to wait and see like you say, but as of now my feelings about him and this whole thing are not very positive
thatone Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 I know what you are saying and I agree to a certain extent but there is also the saying that if someone really wants to see you then they will make time for you. I'm not asking us to meet every single weekday, just that since we might not be able to see each other this weekend, i think its not that much to ask for him to want to change his routine for just one day so we can see each other for one weekday so we dont have to go a whole 2 weeks without seeing each other. 2 weeks is a long time considering we only live 1 hour away from each other. I don't consider 1 hour as long distance at all. Aside from this, I think I"m also disturbed by how excited he sounded talking about that girl in college, emphasizing how cool they had the same birthday, etc....it made me feel very secondary and meaningless to him. I know yes its only been 3 dates, but if hes really trying to pursue me than he's definitely saying all the wrong/uncool things. i'll give you a man's perspective on this. a) for relationship purposes, or the ones i think are relationship material, there's a pretty comfortable 'content' time between when the woman shows continued interest after the first couple of dates, and the next big step, whether that step be sex or agreeing to exclusivity or refusing contact from other potential dates or whatever else. mentally, i'm not receptive to changing the routine during that time, not even considering it. what i've done so far is working, why change it? if your semi long distance relationship is working for him because of the anticipation during the week leading to more excitement when you do meet, then he's not going to want to change that until the next big step has come and gone. it has nothing to do with the woman, mind you. it's the fact that i know at least for awhile there's no more bad first dates, no more scheduling games, no more effort put into some woman you just met only to find that you're complete opposites, etc. it's a comfortable time, let him enjoy it a bit. b) part B is related to part A. he's telling you the truth. you would prefer that he lie? if he wanted the girl from college that bad he'd be looking for her. it's not like that's hard to do these days with facebook and linkedin and other such websites. he probably doesn't know that he offended you by saying that about her. and really, i don't think it should be offensive. everyone has a couple of women or men from their past that they wish they got but never did. it's completely normal. for all you know that girl lives across the country from the both of you. again, he's comfortable telling you things because he feels like he's past the "first date" stage. you getting offended at every innocent thing he says and trying to press commitment out of him too soon is going to drive him right out of his comfort zone, and end any potential you have going here. relax, you apparently know and accept the fact that he's not a smooth talker. so you have to take his words with a grain of salt until he's more comfortable. just observe what he does, not what he says.
Author conehead Posted June 15, 2011 Author Posted June 15, 2011 i'll give you a man's perspective on this. a) for relationship purposes, or the ones i think are relationship material, there's a pretty comfortable 'content' time between when the woman shows continued interest after the first couple of dates, and the next big step, whether that step be sex or agreeing to exclusivity or refusing contact from other potential dates or whatever else. mentally, i'm not receptive to changing the routine during that time, not even considering it. what i've done so far is working, why change it? if your semi long distance relationship is working for him because of the anticipation during the week leading to more excitement when you do meet, then he's not going to want to change that until the next big step has come and gone. it has nothing to do with the woman, mind you. it's the fact that i know at least for awhile there's no more bad first dates, no more scheduling games, no more effort put into some woman you just met only to find that you're complete opposites, etc. it's a comfortable time, let him enjoy it a bit. b) part B is related to part A. he's telling you the truth. you would prefer that he lie? if he wanted the girl from college that bad he'd be looking for her. it's not like that's hard to do these days with facebook and linkedin and other such websites. he probably doesn't know that he offended you by saying that about her. and really, i don't think it should be offensive. everyone has a couple of women or men from their past that they wish they got but never did. it's completely normal. for all you know that girl lives across the country from the both of you. again, he's comfortable telling you things because he feels like he's past the "first date" stage. you getting offended at every innocent thing he says and trying to press commitment out of him too soon is going to drive him right out of his comfort zone, and end any potential you have going here. relax, you apparently know and accept the fact that he's not a smooth talker. so you have to take his words with a grain of salt until he's more comfortable. just observe what he does, not what he says. One thing about this guy is he is not your typical guy so not sure if everything u said applies to him. He is 36 and never had a gf. Before he met me, he only had 2 dates with 2 different girls (1 date each) his entire life. I'm his longest 'dating relationship' thus far even though it has only been 3 dates!! He is hard to read. I really like him, but a huge part of me is nervous about how to approach someone with basically no dating experience
Author conehead Posted June 15, 2011 Author Posted June 15, 2011 Update!! Ok its over. One thing I need to tell everyone is that past girls are my biggest just utmost relationship pet peeve. My first bf also had a girl from college...which i eventually learned he was still in love with even though it has been 5 years since they talked. After we broke up, he admitted that she was the only girl he ever wanted to marry and that if she came back that he'd still want to marry her. It was like a knife in my heart. So when this guy talked about a girl in college -- esp with the excitment in his voice about them having the same birthday -- it really hit a nerve with me. It ate at me all night. I really like this guy a lot, and i mean a lot, which is prob why when he started talking about the college girl i nearly teared up. I told him that I cant see him anymore and told him the reason being this pet peeve of mine. I told him that its an issue i need to overcome and its not his fault. I feel so awful. He told me he feels awful and that the girl in college was just an innocent crush that went nowhere whereas with me its a relationship we can actually build on. I do believe him, but for some reason I just lost that amazing feeling I had with him prior to hearing about the college girl. I can't regain the feeling back. I just wish I never heard about that college girl and things will still be great now. I want to have that feeling back so bad because it felt so great, but Im so disappointed that it has disappeard.
FrostFire Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 (edited) Good. Now take this time to work on yourself and your insecurities or this process will repeat itself over and over. The thing I don't understand is why you manipulated him so early on. It's like you wanted a reason to solidify why you were pissed with him for not wanting to spend time with you. You used everything you could and even manipulated him into telling you things he wouldn't tell others. You dumped him now over something he opened himself up to you about. How do you think he feels? It's not all about you.. you know. Seriously, don't get involved with another man until you can learn to live your life without one. You don't need a man to be happy. Work on yourself and stop looking at men so early on of them being committed to you. Men don't have to be committed to anything at the beginning. Where in this mind of yours you think men have to spend time with you is a huge insecurity of abandonment issues. Don't try and milk answers out of guys to sabotage them in the end. It takes a lot for a guy to open themselves up to you and tell them their more personal intimate side of life. You dumping him over your sad attempts of milking all the answers you wanted out of him for not being relationship material is very very sad. Don't play games with guys minds like this we don't like it. You think you're hurt? You have no idea how much you just hurt this guy. I'm sure he'll get over it, but I am willing to bet he won't bring up his past to the next girl and it's all thanks to you. You making such a big deal out of nothing is very immature and sad at the same time. You honestly expected a guy that you been dating only 3 times to already be committed to you? :lmao: You have no business entering into another relationship until you can work through the past one of your first boyfriend which herein lies the resurfacing of your issues. Thank you for sparing the man of already A LOT of drama. You yourself sabotaged this relationship so now you must learn to deal with it. This guy did nothing but play your stupid little game and answered all your questions truthfully and honestly. You should be ashamed... Edited June 15, 2011 by FrostFire
Jono85 Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 Good. Now take this time to work on yourself and your insecurities or this process will repeat itself over and over. The thing I don't understand is why you manipulated him so early on. It's like you wanted a reason to solidify why you were pissed with him for not wanting to spend time with you. You used everything you could and even manipulated him into telling you things he wouldn't tell others. You dumped him now over something he opened himself up to you about. How do you think he feels? It's not all about you.. you know. Seriously, don't get involved with another man until you can learn to live your life without one. You don't need a man to be happy. Work on yourself and stop looking at men so early on of them being committed to you. Men don't have to be committed to anything at the beginning. Where in this mind of yours you think men have to spend time with you is a huge insecurity of abandonment issues. Don't try and milk answers out of guys to sabotage them in the end. It takes a lot for a guy to open themselves up to you and tell them their more personal intimate side of life. You dumping him over your sad attempts of milking all the answers you wanted out of him for not being relationship material is very very sad. Don't play games with guys minds like this we don't like it. You think you're hurt? You have no idea how much you just hurt this guy. I'm sure he'll get over it, but I am willing to bet he won't bring up his past to the next girl and it's all thanks to you. You making such a big deal out of nothing is very immature and sad at the same time. You honestly expected a guy that you been dating only 3 times to already be committed to you? :lmao: You have no business entering into another relationship until you can work through the past one of your first boyfriend which herein lies the resurfacing of your issues. Thank you for sparing the man of already A LOT of drama. You yourself sabotaged this relationship so now you must learn to deal with it. This guy did nothing but play your stupid little game and answered all your questions truthfully and honestly. You should be ashamed... +1 kind of sad. 3 dates? and you want to the most important girl in his entire life or something? i think you probably did him more a favor than yourself though here and i also suggest you take this time to figure out/improve these insecurities. every guy u meet will likely have been in love at some point and probably even heart broken at some point. the fact that you assumed he was still in love with her now is pretty ridiculous. feel bad for dude, oh well.
Author conehead Posted June 15, 2011 Author Posted June 15, 2011 +1 kind of sad. 3 dates? and you want to the most important girl in his entire life or something? i think you probably did him more a favor than yourself though here and i also suggest you take this time to figure out/improve these insecurities. every guy u meet will likely have been in love at some point and probably even heart broken at some point. the fact that you assumed he was still in love with her now is pretty ridiculous. feel bad for dude, oh well. I did not assume he was still in love with her. I even told him that. I was just extremely bothered by the fact that he talked about her with such excitment and going on about how he thought it was so cool they had the same birthday. He admit to me that he still regrets not having pursued her. After hearing this, I wanted so badly to not have it affect me but I cant help it. The amazing feeling I had with him disappeared just like that. A different ex (my 3rd bf) has had 3 relationships prior to me and he's been in love and heartbroken, but the important thing is that he does not look back and still have regrets over them. To him, I was his number one love at the time we dated. I myself have no regrets about the past and no guy I regret not being with anymore as well. I am looking for my number 1 and expect the same in return. This was the reason why me and my third ex got along well. We both were strong, positive thinkers. But with this guy, I mean he didn't pursue the girl in college because of his parents yet he still regrets it eventhough it was 10+ years ago; plus he's afraid to ask him mom about father's days plans and wont know the plans until Friday night. He doesnt come off as the strong person I'm looking for.
Jono85 Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 I did not assume he was still in love with her. I even told him that. I was just extremely bothered by the fact that he talked about her with such excitment and going on about how he thought it was so cool they had the same birthday. He admit to me that he still regrets not having pursued her. After hearing this, I wanted so badly to not have it affect me but I cant help it. The amazing feeling I had with him disappeared just like that. A different ex (my 3rd bf) has had 3 relationships prior to me and he's been in love and heartbroken, but the important thing is that he does not look back and still have regrets over them. To him, I was his number one love at the time we dated. I myself have no regrets about the past and no guy I regret not being with anymore as well. I am looking for my number 1 and expect the same in return. This was the reason why me and my third ex got along well. We both were strong, positive thinkers. But with this guy, I mean he didn't pursue the girl in college because of his parents yet he still regrets it eventhough it was 10+ years ago; plus he's afraid to ask him mom about father's days plans and wont know the plans until Friday night. He doesnt come off as the strong person I'm looking for. i still think you're being irrational here. sometimes it even annoys me when ppl say they have no regrets, b/c imo EVERYONE has them they just learn to accept what happened and think positively for the future etc. all he was doing was being honest with you. yes he regretted not pursuing the girl. just like 100% of humans have regrets in past relationships, even if small ones. that does NOT mean he's still harboring it inside or something. he's only been on 3 dates with you. he doesn't know you're the one as much as you don't know he's the one yet, it's THREE dates!! so he truthfully answered to you that if he ran into her again, he might pursue her, but he did say now that he's met you its different. he probably just meant as a single guy sure why not. you can't expect him to be in love with you already. and often times during dating, ppl have other ppl that might be on the back burner anyway until one girl becomes a strong enough connection to where they don't want to consider any other options etc. well this girl wasn't even a threat to you!! he hasn't talked to her in ________ . i'm just saying you guys could have been building something special, and you may have just ruined it b/c of your insecurities. you're jealous of a girl from his past. a girl he never even got with! i dunno...i'm not saying this is a bad thing, b/c if it bothers you this much, then obv it's a problem and you should get out. but you very well may have overreacted big time (you seem to even acknowledge this in the thread title...) and it's unfortunate.
FrostFire Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 i still think you're being irrational here. sometimes it even annoys me when ppl say they have no regrets, b/c imo EVERYONE has them they just learn to accept what happened and think positively for the future etc. all he was doing was being honest with you. yes he regretted not pursuing the girl. just like 100% of humans have regrets in past relationships, even if small ones. that does NOT mean he's still harboring it inside or something. he's only been on 3 dates with you. he doesn't know you're the one as much as you don't know he's the one yet, it's THREE dates!! so he truthfully answered to you that if he ran into her again, he might pursue her, but he did say now that he's met you its different. he probably just meant as a single guy sure why not. you can't expect him to be in love with you already. and often times during dating, ppl have other ppl that might be on the back burner anyway until one girl becomes a strong enough connection to where they don't want to consider any other options etc. well this girl wasn't even a threat to you!! he hasn't talked to her in ________ . i'm just saying you guys could have been building something special, and you may have just ruined it b/c of your insecurities. you're jealous of a girl from his past. a girl he never even got with! i dunno...i'm not saying this is a bad thing, b/c if it bothers you this much, then obv it's a problem and you should get out. but you very well may have overreacted big time (you seem to even acknowledge this in the thread title...) and it's unfortunate. Well said Jono. The OP has acknowledged she overreacted at the cost of ever having a chance with this guy. We may be coming off rude and insulting but the truth does hurt. Conehead, you sound like you're fully aware of what you did in your overreacting but seem strong in the sense of knowing you want a strong guy. Best of luck to you in your future relationships. It might be best that you tell a guy your biggest pet-peeve early on before investing anytime into a relationship since this is such a big deal breaker for you. In time though I think you need to consider overcoming this pet-peeve as it's not a healthy outlook to dwell on past guys relationships. It's not a fair assessment of them and you're coming to conclusions of a guy based on previous happenings to you. I think it's fair to say you haven't fully healed from the hurt caused to you in your previous relationships. Until you make that time and commitment to yourself to work on you, then it's best not to get involved with another man.
Author conehead Posted June 15, 2011 Author Posted June 15, 2011 Well said Jono. The OP has acknowledged she overreacted at the cost of ever having a chance with this guy. We may be coming off rude and insulting but the truth does hurt. Conehead, you sound like you're fully aware of what you did in your overreacting but seem strong in the sense of knowing you want a strong guy. Best of luck to you in your future relationships. It might be best that you tell a guy your biggest pet-peeve early on before investing anytime into a relationship since this is such a big deal breaker for you. In time though I think you need to consider overcoming this pet-peeve as it's not a healthy outlook to dwell on past guys relationships. It's not a fair assessment of them and you're coming to conclusions of a guy based on previous happenings to you. I think it's fair to say you haven't fully healed from the hurt caused to you in your previous relationships. Until you make that time and commitment to yourself to work on you, then it's best not to get involved with another man. The pain of what that ex of mine inflicted upon me was one year ago....long enough for me to get over him but I suppose the fear of feeling that hurt again probably still lingers. I have to admit, I've been hurt before by guys, but by far and large my ex telling me he'd marry the college girl in a heart beat if she came back was the most painful, excruicating pain I ever experienced. It hurt me beyond anything any guy has ever done to me, include guys whose lied to me or even betrayed me. And sadly, perhaps its the fact that I felt so strongly for this guy (he was the first guy I felt so strongly about since that jerk ex who hurt me that way) that made me feel this way when he told me about that girl in college he failed to pursue. I guess the fact that both were college girls as well was a strange coincidence to me. What hurts now is knowing that perhaps this was really bad timing on my part. And indeed, I did tell this guy that I regret asking him about his past girls....and I said going forward I really should tell people upfront that i'd rather not talk about past relationships or at least talk about them in great detail. Had I done that with him, then perhaps thing wouldnt turn out this way. But I told him that unfortunatley I can't pretend that I never heard something already told to me.
FrostFire Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 It's ok conehead. You've just had a string of bad luck in finding guys that have had previous feelings for other women. The problem here though is what if a guy told you he would bang a movie star or swimsuit model before banging you. I'm sure that would be any guy's fantasy and can you handle a guy telling you that? I'm just saying we all have fantasies about women. When you're starting to get to know a guy don't expect for a guy to have full on feelings of attachment or commitment to you. They are just letting loose and being themselves. The biggest thing you can do for yourself is stop looking at guys so soon as being committed to you and you won't get hurt. Go searching for certain deal-breakers and you're going to remain single. If you can find a guy that can truthfully tell you he wouldn't marry a drop dead gorgeous movie star, swimsuit model, porn star etc... before marrying you then that guy is a keeper. The fact is you're living in the 21st century and there are lots of things that guys fantasize and have regrets about. Can you handle it is the question? I think you can and I'm confident you will. Never give up. Finally, I'll close with one of my favorite sayings... "To be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do have."
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 (edited) I'm pretty sure it's for the best ... but not for the same reasons you do. I got a little lost in your recounting the conversation, but if I recall correctly - he has very little experience with women, and NO real relationship history, and he's 36? You are unlikely to find ANY man with less "past women" baggage than this guy has. Ever. I hope you will do some work to alleviate this pet peeve of yours. Also, I don't think it's really fair for you to lead a convo down that path (other girls / relationships) and then use the fact that he "sounded excited" against him. All that said, I still think it's for the best. You seem to have all kinds of investment in this guy and your relationship with him far before it could be appropriate, and I believe that if you get your self esteem together quite a bit before the next time, things will go better for you. And, I agree that he does not seem to be a "strong" man. Pretty socially behind the curve, for his age. Take care. Edited June 15, 2011 by Mme. Chaucer
Author conehead Posted June 15, 2011 Author Posted June 15, 2011 I've always been a *bit* bothered hearing about guy's relationship past and I think it's pretty common....but I guess after having been burned by my ex I now am bothered to an abnormal extent...its debilitating. Mme - I think I might have been into this guy for the wrong reasons to begin with anyway. I actually started with lukewarm interest in him but once he told me that he never had a gf before was when I really became interested, probably knowing past girls is a pet peeve of mine. I thought dating a guy who's never had a gf will solve my problem. But that isn't exactly a good reason to get with someone just because he's never had a gf. In fact, I felt certain pressures with him...there's a level of responsibilty that comes with being someone's first gf -- I think I felt this pressure when he told me he thinks we'd be great together. I doubt he's that into me at all...probably just wants to finally get a gf.
Author conehead Posted June 15, 2011 Author Posted June 15, 2011 Now that I'm thinking about this, I guess after he talked about the college girl, I did feel like crap and I told him honestly that it was information I didnt need to know. It changed the way I feel. Then I proceeded to tell him that I wish I can talk to him in person right now and it might make me feel better about everything, but his response to that is because he's got his gym routine, he's unable to see me. I really wanted to be able to see him within the next 2-3 days (I even semi-pleaded with him for it and he still said no which made me feel more rejected) and I think that would have calmed me down and I wouldn't have ended things. But the earliest he can see me is 6 days later and even that is tentative and it might actually be a whole 13 days later before I can see him. I know he doesnt owe me anything and I shouldn't expect so much, but at the same time i'm used to dating guys who feel the same way about me after just a few dates (all 3 of my exes felt attached to me within 2-3 dates). I just felt like if he really cared then he'd have wanted to let me see him. Yes I know everyone is saying its only been 3 dates but im the kinda girl where a kiss is a huge deal for me and honestly if i've gone past 2 dates with a guy id expect us to be unofficially exclusive. I would not feel comfortable going past 2 dates with a guy then going out with some other guy and I'd expect the guy to be the same. I guess things happen for a reason though.
Author conehead Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 I've been feeling like sh*t for past few days since this whole thing happened.
dispatch3d Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Then he changed the subject and asked me about my past relationships and why they didnt work out. I said each relationship didnt work out for different reasons, i dont really want to get into details, but we just had our differences etc. I then said 'so i understand you told me you never had a gf...well, what was the most number of dates you've ever gone out on with one girl?' He told me that he met one girl online for one date only and that was it about one month before he met me. Prior to that, years ago his aunt set him up on a blind date with a girl and it was only one date as well since he said he didnt really like her. He said he had one potential back in college. I asked him what he meant by potential. He said that he liked her but his parents didnt allow him to date in college. He said that he knew she liked him too but he didnt pursue her and she moved on. He said that they both had the same exact birthday and he thought that was really cool. I guess that made me jealous, esp since i wonder why he had to tell me how cool it was they had the same birthday. I asked him if he can go back in time and pursue her would he had done it and he said 'yes, definitely' and I said 'so is that something you regret not doing?' and he said 'yes, that is one thing I regret in life.' Then I said 'well, had you pursued her then you wouldnt have ever met me' and he said 'uh...yea, thats true, im glad i met you.' Then I asked him 'if you saw her again now and shes single, will you pursue her?' and he said 'i dont know, maybe...well, uh, but then that was a long time ago, and now ive met you so its different' At that point, I guess I kind of dug the grave for myself...but at the same time I couldn't help asking those questions. I told him well i admit i was a bit bothered by how he seemed so excited about her even now and emphasized how cool it was that they had the same birthday. I told him I wish I hadnt knew that. He told me he is sorry, he is not good with words. I told him its okay that he is probably just inexperienced. And he said yea that he wish he had done the online dating thing sooner. And i told him i hope that we're not dating just because i so happen to be one of the first guys available online. He said no that he's picky and he wont pursue something he didnt really want. He told me 'uhhh...im really impressed by you...um...you have a lot of qualities i like' This guy does talk with a lot of uhs and ums and he comes off as super awkward. And thus I have no idea how sincere his words are. I then opened my heart up to him. I told him that with him this is the first time in 2 years I've gone out with someone past 2 dates. I told him that i never really felt anything with the other guys and i can ususally tell within 1 or 2 dates whether something has a chance to work out. He said he feels flattered i feel this way about him. He told me, again awkwardly, that he sees a lot of potential in me and that he really likes me. I told him I think he's adorable and I wish I was talking to him in person right now so I can give him a big hug. He said he wishes he is talking to me in person too so he can give me a hug too. He said he wishes i lived closer to him so we can hang out more and I said well we live an hour from each other, which isnt exactly that far even to meet on weekdays. He once again said he's busy on weekdays and I said works keeps you busy huh and he said 'yea...work is busy...and well....i also have a routine afterward.' I said 'what routine?' and he said he goes to the gym every other day after work. At that moment, I didnt think he was adorable anymore. In my mind, I'm just thinking that if he goes to the gym every other day then he must be free every other day he does NOT go to the gym. I'm thinking if he really wants to see me than one hour drive (if we meet in the middle its only 30 mins drive each) is nothing. Only reason he doesnt want to meet on the weekdays is because he doesnt want to mess up him routine. But at that point, I stopped asking him because it seems like hes just making excuses not to see me on weekdays. He is still unsure about the weekend at that point still even after this whole converstation we had where I opened up to him. He asked me if I was ok and I said i dont know, that I was initially really excited about us but this whole phone conversation had changed the way I feel. We agreed to talk more in person the next time we meet up then we hung up. Easy there. I'd be careful about rehashing super-emotional stuff like past relationships with guys you've just started dating over the phone. Whether he brought it up or you brought it up, it's a good way to hit a "bad button". I think it's fine in person, but over the phone probably a little too sensitive of a topic. Anyhow, he's not the only one being difficult as far as setting up specific times/places to meet. just sayin.
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