splitting finances

[tfkizzle]

Recently got engaged and moved in with my fiance, who owns his home. I thought we were on the same page about money, but it's become clear that this is not the case and that we need to have another chat about this.

 

We previously agreed that I would make monthly deposits into a separate savings account in the amount that I had been paying in rent, and that we would use this money to pay for our honeymoon and/or new furniture or other household items.

 

He would continue to pay his bills from his checking account, and I would continue to pay my bills from my checking account. We split who would pay some joint bills/expenses to be in proportion to our incomes (ie he pays the $1000 electric bill and I pay the $400 tv/phone/internet bill, etc.), that we each pay out of our own checking accounts.

 

But, it seems like he thinks the money I make is "his", not even ours, and that the money he makes is his. We haven't had any fights or anything, but I'm pretty annoyed, and I'm concerned that this is because he feels like I don't contribute financially, because he pays the bulk of the bills (but also makes 3x as much money as me). I've asked him and he says that this isn't the case, and that all the money is "our" money. I'm not sure if I can explain this clearly, but even when he says that it's clear that he doesn't think of it as "our" money - like, he thinks that it's "our" money because he's paying for my share of a vacation we're going on later this summer. (If it were "our" money we wouldn't even be going, I wouldn't allow it, because it's so damn expensive - $10K - but he insisted that I have to go, because it's important to his family.)

 

I just don't feel like that is the case though - for example, I bought a new bra (on clearance), and he has said 4 times now that he "gave" me the money to buy it, even though it came out of MY paycheck.

 

He went bar hopping with friends last weekend and spent $170 in one bar (I saw the receipt when I was doing his laundry). I can just imagine his response if I went to him and started questioning him for spending that kind of money buying shots for his friends - money that is "ours" I'm sure if I did that it would be "his" money in a heartbeat. And, I would never do that, in part because I guess I do still feel like his money is his, and my money is mine.

 

Suggestions?

 

Oh, also, our conversation about the account I put money into went like this:

Me: I'll go to the bank tomorrow and open an account in both our names, so we both have access to it.

 

Him: Why would you do that? It doesn't matter, since I'm not going to be taking money out of it. Or would would you even open another account? Just give it to me and I'll put it in my account [i have my own savings account].

 

Me: No, because I don't have access to that account. The point is that it's "our" money/account.

 

As far as I recall that was the end of the discussion. June is the first money that I would have made such a deposit; right now it's just sitting in my checking account.

 

Now, a couple months since having this discussion, he's decided that he wants to open a joint checking account for us at HIS bank that he is the primary on, even though I'm the only person contributing to this account. I'm kind of annoyed about this.

Edited June 14, 2011 by tfkizzle

[mickleb]

He sounds way more relaxed about money than you and he's happy to pay 3x the cost of the bills, so I wouldn't worry about it. He's also paying for the holiday, so he sounds really generous, if you ask me.

 

It doesn't matter what he views your money as, as long as you control it. And you have no right to tell him not to blow his wages on a night out with his mates. It might concern you but he earnt it.

 

Keep your money seperate and have your own savings account, and spend it on what you want.

 

Do talk to him about your general concerns re. his attitude to money vs. yours, though. You sound like someone who's quite careful with cash and he sounds like someone who likes to enjoy the finer things of life. This difference could cause issues for you both unless you get your heads around it.

 

Try to figure out what makes you nervous about his spending. What are you afraid will happen? And try to get him to talk about his attitude to money. He may have some unconscious fear of death / ageing - a lot of people do - and just wants to live in the moment a bit more. Remember: both attitudes have value and try to understand him a bit more.

 

He sounds like he's earning a decent wage and is happy to provide for you, in some respects, too. So, I'd say rather than be too upset with him, you should count yourself lucky. But talk to him. I think you both need it.

 

x

[tfkizzle]

It doesn't matter what he views your money as, as long as you control it. And you have no right to tell him not to blow his wages on a night out with his mates. It might concern you but he earnt it.

 

But that's exactly the attitude that I am concerned with! He thinks his money is his to do with as he wishes, because he earned it, but then he gives me a hard time about how I spend the money I earned, because it's "our" money.

Edited June 14, 2011 by tfkizzle

[mickleb]

How has he given you a hard time about it? That's not clear from your original post.

 

x

[tfkizzle]

 

I just don't feel like that is the case though - for example, I bought a new bra (on clearance), and he has said 4 times now that he "gave" me the money to buy it, even though it came out of MY paycheck.

 

He went bar hopping with friends last weekend and spent $170 in one bar (I saw the receipt when I was doing his laundry). I can just imagine his response if I went to him and started questioning him for spending that kind of money buying shots for his friends - money that is "ours" I'm sure if I did that it would be "his" money in a heartbeat. And, I would never do that, in part because I guess I do still feel like his money is his, and my money is mine.

 

 

He has gone out of his way on 4 occasions to grumble about how he "gave" me money to buy ONE bra, on clearance (money came out of MY paycheck).

 

Versus, he goes out drinking and spends almost 10x as much as the bra, which I never commented on. I could tell from your post that you thought I was bitching at him for this, but I was merely pointing out that I allow him to spend his money how he sees fit without comment, or screaming at him for blowing "our" money on alcohol.

[mickleb]

It doesn't matter what he views your money as, as long as you control it.

 

I responded to your complaint about this here. I thought it must be a much bigger deal from your comment about him giving you a hard time. What do you mean 'grumbled'? Has he screamed at you? How is he breaking your balls, so to speak? I've no idea why he's got confused re. the bra money but just repeat it was you bought it and tell him he's mental if he disagrees.

 

You seem to have bypassed the bit where you question why you're getting so upset by this, and understanding his motivation for being more relaxed with cash.

 

I think that's the bit to focus on.

 

x

[tfkizzle]

 

You seem to have bypassed the bit where you question why you're getting so upset by this, and understanding his motivation for being more relaxed with cash.

 

I'm annoyed by his attitude, but by no means am I upset. It's just something that we need to work out (hopefully).

 

The thing is that he is not more "relaxed" with money, we just have different attitudes about where and how it is spent.

 

He is extremely cheap and tightfisted when it comes to spending money on things like getting the AC fixed, making other home repairs, or spending money on other necessities. I have no problem spending money on these things. He would not hesitate to spend $3000 on a brand new tv, but would bitch and moan and agonize over spending $300 to replace the bulbs in the existing tv rather than purchasing a new one, and would throw away the old tv because that is easier than selling it. I would gladly spend the $300 to save the $3000, and would opt to sell the old tv versus throwing it away.

 

He does not blink an eye when it comes to blowing a huge wad of cash on one night out with his friends, taking a ridiculously expensive vacation, buying new electronics, expensive clothes, etc. I am very conservative in this area, and watch how much $ I spend in bars, buy things on sale (if at all), etc.

 

He will make such a fuss about spending money on a necessity that I feel guilty and tense, whereas I never make a big deal about him spending thousands of dollars going to Vegas for a bachelor party, etc.

 

So by your definition we are both relaxed, in our own opposing ways.

[tfkizzle]

Like, there is something that we HAVE to do, there is no way around it. I spent a lot of time looking into it, finding the best option, etc. It costs $525. He FLIPPED out when I told him, and tried to throw out other suggestions of ways we could NOT spend that money. So I said "fine, I will pay for it myself" (which is a big struggle for me just to split the cost of this with him, let alone pay it all myself). And he's super happy about that (yet it's all our money).

 

The other night I mentioned how we haven't gone out to eat (together) in almost 3 months, so maybe we could do that one night soon. His response was that he'd been thinking the same thing, but then he thought about how expensive that is, and he didn't want to (guess who buys the groceries), and good thing he's already tied me down with a ring (ha).

 

But he is spending thousands of dollars going to Vegas, and is GLAD to spend that kind of money on it. He just spent $200 on ONE shirt and $150 on another shirt that is butt ugly and I know he will never wear (but bought because his sister liked it and told him to). He spent $170 in one bar (and went to at least 2 others), buying shots of top shelf liquor for God knows who.

 

But I have to argue with him over whose turn it is to buy paper towels, or how he allowed me to purchase one bra, on sale, with my own paycheck!

Edited June 15, 2011 by tfkizzle

[Lauriebell82]

The thing is that he is not more "relaxed" with money, we just have different attitudes about where and how it is spent.

 

So by your definition we are both relaxed, in our own opposing ways.

 

If this is the case, you two are not canidates for a joint account or combined finances in any manner. Many many couples have seperate finances and have a wonderful marriage.

 

You two should just have seperate checking accounts and savings accounts and just work out who pays what bills. Then you both can spend whatever money out of your accounts that you want. As far as vacations go, if he offers to pay for the vacation or you want to contribute something then fine, just work out who pays what.

 

Joint accounts only work if both people have similar attitudes about money and similar spending styles. If you don't, then you will end up having MANY fights about this. If seperate accounts have worked for you so far in your relationship then continue to do what works.

[tigressA]

Like, there is something that we HAVE to do, there is no way around it. I spent a lot of time looking into it, finding the best option, etc. It costs $525. He FLIPPED out when I told him, and tried to throw out other suggestions of ways we could NOT spend that money. So I said "fine, I will pay for it myself" (which is a big struggle for me just to split the cost of this with him, let alone pay it all myself). And he's super happy about that (yet it's all our money).

 

The other night I mentioned how we haven't gone out to eat (together) in almost 3 months, so maybe we could do that one night soon. His response was that he'd been thinking the same thing, but then he thought about how expensive that is, and he didn't want to (guess who buys the groceries), and good thing he's already tied me down with a ring (ha).

 

But he is spending thousands of dollars going to Vegas, and is GLAD to spend that kind of money on it. He just spent $200 on ONE shirt and $150 on another shirt that is butt ugly and I know he will never wear (but bought because his sister liked it and told him to). He spent $170 in one bar (and went to at least 2 others), buying shots of top shelf liquor for God knows who.

 

But I have to argue with him over whose turn it is to buy paper towels, or how he allowed me to purchase one bra, on sale, with my own paycheck!

 

I just finished posting in your "plus one" thread and then came across this. I agree with Lauriebell--figure out who will pay what bills, maintain separate accounts, and leave it at that. If he still gets an attitude about how you spend your money/continues to assert that your money belongs to both of you, I'd seriously reconsider marrying him.

[intatrinG]

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