I need some wise counsel.

[DCB]

I've been about three and a half weeks out of a 2 and a half year relationship. I'm still in limbo. I've been really trying to put things in perspective. I was the one who was dumped at the end of a relationship not a day after my ex reassured me everything was ok and she still loved me.

 

The more I look at the situation, the less it seems my fault. I did my part to the best of my ability and actually made compromises for someone, I feel, didn't seem to know how to give back.

 

To put things into perspective, our relationship has been interesting. I met her in the middle of a University course. I was home for the holidays when I met her, so our relationship began as long-distance. We spent a lot of time getting to know each other by talking. We met again during my reading week and it was a very physical time. Things pushed very quickly in that regard. By the time I finished that year, we shared a very passionate summer together. We talked about what I should do and decided that I would go back to school and finish my final year. She wasn't able to come with me because she had to work (couldn't afford it) and she has pets to take care of. We decided to commit to making this work as best as we could.

 

My final year was very busy and I had to give up my weight training so I could spend time talking to her. It started off well. She came to visit and we were happy. As the fall term progressed and I had finals to deal with. She began to get upset that I had to spend time. She understood, but her emotions kept making her feel that way. We had a fight over it, but managed to make up and were better for it. Although, she seemed colder over Christmas. The passion from the previous summer just seemed to be cooled right off. She knew that and said maybe she was just "off".

 

I went back for my winter term to finish up school. Things settled down for a while and we were pretty happy. As I came to Reading week, I needed the time to prepare for finals. It was a music program and it involved preparing for written finals/instrument juries and a graduating recital. While she understood I needed to commit to this, she got upset, once again. She became worried our relationship might fail if we couldn't see each other. I understood that, but I also knew it would fail if I didn't commit to the schooling. We had a fight about it, but it worked out. Things got even more stressful for me, too. As finals were approaching, I needed to move out of the house I was staying at. It took two weeks since only two out of the four of us were really left to clean up to clear inspection. I was studying and trying to rehearse and get everything in order while I also got very sick AND spent almost two weeks cleaning this house. My gf wasn't upset that I had to be busy so much this time. BUT, she was upset that I it felt like she was "walking on eggshells" talking to me. I got upset almost every time she had a criticism. I was exasperated. The worst part was, I was so blinded. I just had so much I couldn't even make sense of the situation. I was on damage control.

 

Needless to say, I finished up school. The high from reuniting seemed to wash away a lot of the pain from the year. But, she noted I "seemed different". The relationship wasn't what it was. I didn't have the same passion in music or doing the things I loved. We spent the summer together, but I was so exhausted it was very difficult to feel motivated in anything. I thought I may have been suffering from post-grad depression. I told her I needed a time to rest because of the intensity of my last term. I needed to recharge. I don't think she really understood, but she decided to be patient.

 

During the summer, I picked up the odd gig. One of those gigs was 3 gigs on a weekend. Unfortunately, they fell on the same weekend as part of a cabin party that she wanted me to go to her with. I made a compromise. I went for two of the three days (giving up one of the gigs). She still got mad at me about it. It was different, though. Before, online, she was able to be upfront. Here, she bottled it up and the only way I found out was because I noticed her behaviour. She finally admitted it. I told her I tried to make a compromise. I wanted to keep her happy, but also keep doors open for myself. She said she understood.

 

Fall came around and I still felt exhausted and depressed. I was trying to get a group of musicians together, but it kept falling through. I got a teaching job and was able to make ends meet that way. My gf expressed that she was worried I wasn't weight training again, yet. She thought it would make me happier. Truth is, I tried. I just didn't have the motivation. I was spending quite a bit of time with her. I almost felt as if it was making up for the time apart. It was just comforting to be with somebody. We were both happy like this for a while. But, I felt stuck in a rut. At one point, she suffered a sports injury and I had to chauffeur her to work and stuff. I put a lot of extra time into helping her. I had another gig roll around in late November. A few things happened around this time. She was still injured and couldn't play soccer. Her parents were talking about splitting up and her sister/sister's bf were going to Ireland over Christmas so they decided to have a Faux Christmas. Unfortunately, that line up on this gig. I also worked that day and couldn't find a sub. In fact, I didn't know anybody who could sub. At any rate, she said, "oh it's ok." and I went and did the gig. The next week I felt really distant. It wasn't until I confronted her that she literally exploded at me. I was so shocked and thrown off I had a very strong breakdown. She got very worried about me and tried to comfort me. She told me I needed counselling and to work through some of my problems.

 

Things seemed to simmer down, but I felt tied down. My career was stuck, I was in a rut and I couldn't seem to move. I would spend time with her but never felt motivated. Just sit by the TV and cuddle. I wasn't even being romantic with her anymore. I was just dead-pan.

 

I still tried to communicate with her. I tried to talk, but she would never engage. I would ask her if things were alright. She said I was imagining things. I was just feeling paranoid. I just thought at any turn she might suddenly be upset, or something would be wrong. I was attached and didn't want to lose her. I felt blind and lost.

 

New Years came around. I had a gig that night. She knew that well in advance. But, she got upset, again. This time, she was more upfront about it. She wanted me to be there with her. She understood what I had to do, but she was still displeased and didn't like the idea that I would probably have a gig every New Years.

 

Things fell into routine in the January. I stopped pursuing gigs and jams and just fell into routine. I was sleeping almost 12 hours a day. I wasn't working out. I actually started gaining more weight. I had pretty much given up. I started turning to other means of finding satisfaction since that part of the relationship was virtually gone. My gf had almost no desire and I gave up trying to communicate with her.

 

In the last couple of months, she started complaining we didn't communicate. This came as a shock. I told her I tried but she just didn't seem to open up. We were still spending a lot of time together, though. She had another sport injury that took her out of soccer, too. At this point, I was bringing her homemade lunches to her work (she was only about 5 minutes away). I thought maybe that would open things up a bit after she seemed to have been closing off more and more. Maybe it worked a bit, but it didn't seem like it.

 

Towards her birthday in April she opened a bet with me. I had a year to get back my six-pack for her. In exchange, she had to eat more healthy food. She wanted me to eat healthy, but she never put in the effort to set an example. I find it very difficult to eat healthy with people who aren't careful. I found it disrespectful in a way.

 

My sister-in-law came around for a visit and my gf spent a day with her. They chatted and I found out from my sister-in-law that my gf was "at her wits end" about things. She was upset that I was stuck and that my career wasn't getting off the ground. She didn't like that wasn't trying to work out and I was just lazy and unmotivated.

 

As we came to May, I started to feel a little more clarity. I didn't realize she was really pulling away at this point. In mid-May, I started to try and get out and workout. I noticed she was pulling away because she began going with some of her friends to the bar. She comment she wanted a little bit of space from being together. I thought either she was going to break-up, or she was just opening up and taking some space. It really helped me out. It seemed like maybe we could reach a working relationship together.

 

Unfortunately, she started to drink. She never drinks, rarely. She was actually really drunk one night when I picked her up. I took her home so she could sleep it off and work in the morning. This situation persisted and I was worried about her. Two nights before she broke up with me, she was out, but told me nothing. By the time I talked to her, she said she was going to stay at a friend's house. I told her I would come pick her up and she refused. I was upset with her and told her we needed to talk. The next day, she came around and we went for a walk together. I told her I was upset she didn't say anything and I wanted to be able to protect her or help her if things turned to trouble. She said she understood and promised to keep in contact. I didn't mind that she was out having fun, but I didn't want harm to come to her. I also brought up I felt that she was really close to breaking off our relationship. She denied it and said everything was alright. She kissed me and it was probably the most passionate I'd felt in a while.

 

The next day, she told me she had to talk. She was deciding to break up. She gave the following reason, "I feel like I'm missing something and I don't think I can find it with you. I really wanted us to work out, but it wasn't. I don't think we're the right people together. I feel like I need to live some crazy life before settling down with someone. I don't love you as much as you deserve... etc." It caught me at an incredible blindside because it was so opposite to what she had said only a day earlier.

 

Needless to say, it was a few days and she came to collect her stuff from my house. I told her I was making changed. She said she was happy for me, but it was too late and she wouldn't be coming back.

 

As far as the NC rule goes, I'm kind of new to this. Our relationship is my first very serious relationship that I've had. I didn't know the policy to begin with. I had told her I wouldn't try to pursue her or plead for her or try to win her back. Just that I was keeping my end of the bet that we had made on her birthday. I ran into her a second time only out of an odd situation. The store she works at is tied to another sports store and an item I needed I tried to find at the other place. They ended up referring me to her store and it was something I needed so I just decided to go. I ended up running into her and she insisted on giving me her store discount which I turned down. She gave it to me anyways. That wasn't even a week since the breakup. Since then, I've kept an NC barrier. I removed her from my phone and my IMs. She insisted on keeping me on Facebook. I removed her from my newsfeed so I would at least avoid spying. I'm still debating if I even want to keep her on there.

 

At this point, I'm pretty sure she's on a rebound. There's been no real validation of this, but I kind of ran into some photos she posted. It was what prompted the decision to take her off of the newsfeed. She was hanging out with a guy she met at the bar and they spent the day together. It seemed way too obvious to me. I did meet this guy once. He's a very insecure person. He looks a lot like me, but he's younger and more immature. He felt the need to validate himself by "showing off". He knew I was a musician and seemed to try and "challenge" that.

 

At present, I've felt great. I've also felt my worst. I have ups and downs, but I feel free and I feel like I'm able to pursue what I want. Thinking about the relationship I realize it's not something I would want to come back to. But, the person I was in love with I don't think I would've stayed with had there not been such a connection. I think that connection is what kept us together. I think that's what I miss.

 

Since the breakup, I know she's been going straight downhill. I've been taking the right approach and taking this learning experience to heart. I went to seek out counselling and I think my life is in order. My counsellor feels that she's going to come back at some point. Truth is, I don't want this relationship. She has to change. I'm changing and I don't want to be dragged down again. She's always running away from everything. She ran away from this relationship. If this fling doesn't work for her, she'll try running back. I want to see the best for this woman. It breaks my heart that she can't make anything for herself. But, the truth is, I tried my hand and it almost killed me. I feel exhausted just having wrote this.

 

Is it still too soon to make any hasty decisions? I've decided on NC and I won't talk to her unless she initiates a conversation. I'm worried that she may want to come back. I'm worried that she won't. I'm doing my best to get life in order.

[DCB]

Thank you! That thread was very informative. I think, given the nature of the relationship, there's an interesting precedent in how things went. I truly believe a lot of her intentions were genuine. She talked a lot about marriage a lot in the first year and a half. As things settled past the infatuation stage she talked about how she had never been in love "beyond" infatuation and this was her first taste of true love. She said she felt like our connection seemed natural. "It's like being with my own kind." she said. I feel that what she wanted was genuine and true. I was fine with her being herself and she appreciated that I gave her that freedom. She even expressed how it was unlike her previous relationships.

 

But, I think she started to get cold feet when things were no longer working out great. Part of her G.I.G.S. trigger is that she is running away to cope. She strikes me as somebody with a lot of good intentions but doesn't have the capacity to succeed. Her father is the main reason this is the case. He's a very negative person and she is a sensitive people-pleaser. He tends to destroy her emotionally quite frequently. She's afraid to confront issues and, as a result, she was afraid to confront and upset me. The unrealistic expectations stem from her parents lack of adequate training or guidance in how to have a successful relationship. She relies on her fiction which comes across like the perfect relationship doesn't need work. I feel that expectation made things hard to deal with. And, unfortunately, this relationship has just become another failed attempt. I feel she's trying to escape the guilt and upset by blaming me for not changing and being stuck. That's what my gut feeling is telling me. The symptoms of G.I.G.S seem more like a coping mechanism than a driving factor in her behaviour. And, frankly, using fiction as a precedent on relationship guidance is only gonna perpetuate that. That's why compromise doesn't work for her.