Crazy chick1 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I spoke to MM as arranged (for our once a week chat) & it is amazing how we can now talk just as we did prior to d day. We both agreed that it would be too cruel to his W to resume the PA so there is no intention to go there again, though we both admitted we would like to under other circumstances. I've bought a cheap PAYG mobile phone so as to avoid detection. He asked me to phone him the next day (so much for once per week) & we spoke for an hour. We agreed that he would call me later in the week, but he ended up texting me asking me to call him again that same day & we will speak again in a day or so. What I don't understand is having made the decision to give everything to his M, why is he potentially jeopardizing this? I haven't pushed him when he has spoken about it (he has done so already several times but seems unable to provide a reason for 'betraying & cheating' on his W again). He told me that he knows it is 'stupid' talking to me but he 'can't help himself'. We are not having sex so he isn't using me for that. I know that I need to act at some point before I get badly hurt but if I could understand his motives, it would help me know what to say or do to move on from this situation. I know I am being dragged back to where I was & I know it's wrong but I really do feel so much happier with him in my life. He did tell me that he loves to make me 'laugh & smile' & told me that I do the same to him. One telling thing that he said was that when he made his decision to stay in his M, he chose to hurt 1 person rather than 3 because his children made him feel as though he had cheated on them too & refused to speak to him for weeks, which almost destroyed him. I obviously get this but can't understand why he's come back because he clearly is struggling to work it out himself & almost seems to be on the brink of walking away from me again (possibly the kindest thing he could do for me though it would break my heart all over again).
TigerCub Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I spoke to MM as arranged (for our once a week chat) & it is amazing how we can now talk just as we did prior to d day. We both agreed that it would be too cruel to his W to resume the PA so there is no intention to go there again, though we both admitted we would like to under other circumstances. I've bought a cheap PAYG mobile phone so as to avoid detection. He asked me to phone him the next day (so much for once per week) & we spoke for an hour. We agreed that he would call me later in the week, but he ended up texting me asking me to call him again that same day & we will speak again in a day or so. What I don't understand is having made the decision to give everything to his M, why is he potentially jeopardizing this? Oyi...what do you really want to hear CC? You want to hear that he's jeopardizing all this because he's madly in love with you - he's just willing to risk it all./ Except he isn't, he may love you, but he's not risking anything - you want the answer here it is: You're filling a void, you're meeting a need for him. He's getting an ego boost from you, he's getting an emotional connection from you, and soon, when everything calms down some more, he'll get the PA from you too - you're not objecting, you're still playing his game and settling, why wouldn't he still keep contact with you? It's perfect, once the heat dies down at home, he'll go right back to the PA with you. Why does he do all this - because he can, because you're participating. It's that simple. I haven't pushed him when he has spoken about it (he has done so already several times but seems unable to provide a reason for 'betraying & cheating' on his W again). He told me that he knows it is 'stupid' talking to me but he 'can't help himself'. We are not having sex so he isn't using me for that. I know that I need to act at some point before I get badly hurt but if I could understand his motives, it would help me know what to say or do to move on from this situation. I know I am being dragged back to where I was & I know it's wrong but I really do feel so much happier with him in my life. He did tell me that he loves to make me 'laugh & smile' & told me that I do the same to him. One telling thing that he said was that when he made his decision to stay in his M, he chose to hurt 1 person rather than 3 because his children made him feel as though he had cheated on them too & refused to speak to him for weeks, which almost destroyed him. I obviously get this but can't understand why he's come back because he clearly is struggling to work it out himself & almost seems to be on the brink of walking away from me again (possibly the kindest thing he could do for me though it would break my heart all over again). Oh man, how I love the Martyr bulls**t!!! yeah, he was almost destroyed by how much he hurt his kids, and yet, uhm, here he is carrying on an emotional affair with you. Wow!! Yeah his kids I'm sure are dumb enough to be more accepting of that! Gimme a f**king break! I absolutely hate guys like that - its so much more noble to act like a martyr than admit to being a coward! I'm not judging you CC. I've been there in my own way, it just makes me mad that he's toying with you.
Author Crazy chick1 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 I'm sure you're right but he always seems so damn sincere.
BB07 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I'm sure you're right but he always seems so damn sincere. Because sometimes they are damn good at convincing themselves that it's true. People don't only lie to others.........they lie to themselves. I hope you soon learn to separate what he does vs what he says. There is a huge difference between the two.
Author Crazy chick1 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 He's not going to be able to work on his marriage as long as he is in a relationship with you. He's not going to be able to end it with you because it is true like he says "he can't help himself", his emotions are too strong. He's not going to get a divorce because he can't see himself hurting the other three people he loves, his wife and his kids. Welcome to the dilemma of the MM. It's likely to take him a long, long time to figure this out. What you need to do is decide if you get enough out of the relationship under these existing conditions to make it worthwhile for you to stay in a relationship with him. Thankyou for this reply, I think you've hit the nail on the head. I truly believe he doesn't want to hurt anyone & knows deep down that he is doing wrong but obviously feels something for me, which makes it difficult for him to leave me alone. I also accept (as in a previous reply) that he does convince himself of things so therefore they don't come across as lies. I have wondered about this myself & now believe it is the case. I truly believe that he isn't a bad person at heart but got caught up in an A & now is stuck between a rock & a hard place. Neither of us want to break it off but he understands that he is taking risks by what he is doing & if he is caught out again, he risks losing his W but even if he doesn't, he will once again cause so much pain to those he cares about. I know that does bother him.
chalkfarm Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I think in this situation, YOU have to be the one to decide. He is incapable. YOU must decide to either be the OW or to end the EA. It is black and white even though it feels grey.
Author Crazy chick1 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 How old are his children? It's sounds like emotional blackmail to me. Why would she want to back that up? His children are both in their mid twenties. He didn't expect the reaction that he got from them post d day & it hit him really hard how disappointed & hurt they were by what he had done to their mother (& obviously his W of many years). For weeks his eldest daughter refused to even acknowledge him. It didn't help that his W & daughters do know me (we were acquaintances & I'm certainly not proud of it). After d day he told his W & family that he would try his best to make things better & basically swept his feelings for me under the carpet & made out like they didn't exist. It seems as though those feelings have re-surfaced & he told me that 'I've gotten under his skin'? He is really confused & struggling, but so am I. In response to the poster asking why I don't let him go, the answer is simple, he is a grown man & as capable as I am of making decisions. I adore him & do not want to let him go.
Author Crazy chick1 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 What you describe here is a very common pattern among wayward spouses after Dday. Have you any thoughts as to why this is?
Silly_Girl Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 What you describe here is a very common pattern among wayward spouses after Dday. Have you any thoughts as to why this is? I don't know, I haven't been there and my guy didn't do this, but I imagine it's a total coping mechanism. Perhaps because he's heartbroken, or not, perhaps because he needs to focus on his wife/other things, or not. But it makes life a lot easier I'm sure.
Author Crazy chick1 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 (edited) A married other woman told her story once here on LS. She said that the pain was so intense on and after Dday of seeing her husband hurting so, that that was all she could feel. The feelings (and they were very strong) she had for her married other man fell away from her conscious emotions. Once things had settled down at home, they resurfaced, with the same strength as before. Again that makes perfect sense. I had a feeling after d day that he would struggle in time because he was not dealing with HIS emotions because he was too busy facing up to the backlash at home. He is typical of many men in that he doesn't really open up to many people about his emotions & I believe I am the first person he has spoken to about the feelings he still carries for me (he couldn't let onto his W how he felt as she couldn't cope with hearing it, he has told me that she blames me primarily for the A, he & I both know we were equally responsible). A mutual friend has told me that since he has been back in contact with me, he seems much happier in himself, obviously that may be unrelated but a big coincidence if so. Posting on here really helps me sort through the mess & I really do appreciate all comments, positive & negative. My dilemma is how to play this. I almost want to set a timescale but obviously need to be sure that I can follow it through. But the longer this goes on, either as an EA or PA, the harder I know it will be to walk away. I do now realise for sure that we are not friends, I do not talk to friends how I talk to him, we are too close & have too much of a past to be friends. Edited June 14, 2011 by Crazy chick1
MissBee Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I spoke to MM as arranged (for our once a week chat) & it is amazing how we can now talk just as we did prior to d day. We both agreed that it would be too cruel to his W to resume the PA so there is no intention to go there again, though we both admitted we would like to under other circumstances. I've bought a cheap PAYG mobile phone so as to avoid detection. He asked me to phone him the next day (so much for once per week) & we spoke for an hour. We agreed that he would call me later in the week, but he ended up texting me asking me to call him again that same day & we will speak again in a day or so. What I don't understand is having made the decision to give everything to his M, why is he potentially jeopardizing this? I haven't pushed him when he has spoken about it (he has done so already several times but seems unable to provide a reason for 'betraying & cheating' on his W again). He told me that he knows it is 'stupid' talking to me but he 'can't help himself'. We are not having sex so he isn't using me for that. I know that I need to act at some point before I get badly hurt but if I could understand his motives, it would help me know what to say or do to move on from this situation. I know I am being dragged back to where I was & I know it's wrong but I really do feel so much happier with him in my life. He did tell me that he loves to make me 'laugh & smile' & told me that I do the same to him. One telling thing that he said was that when he made his decision to stay in his M, he chose to hurt 1 person rather than 3 because his children made him feel as though he had cheated on them too & refused to speak to him for weeks, which almost destroyed him. I obviously get this but can't understand why he's come back because he clearly is struggling to work it out himself & almost seems to be on the brink of walking away from me again (possibly the kindest thing he could do for me though it would break my heart all over again). Your sentiments are some of the very same ones I have shared before....and am here to tell you that it's a form of denial that leads you down the slippery slope to nowhere, except pain and hurt and loss of self worth. I kid you not....with my ex, I spent an exorbitant amount of time trying to "figure him out". We broke up, he got new gfs but KEPT coming back and even reaching out to me while with them and I was confused as to why the eff would he be doing that? Why does he go out of his way to be in my life??? No one is forcing him.....and I internalized it to mean "He must love me a lot or something", "He just can't get over me", "We're meant to be" , "He can't get enough of me", "I'm so special" However, that was NOT the case. My ex was narcissistic and his reasons for talking to me had nothing to do with LOVE but everything to do with a compulsion and his own need for validation (which I surely gave, like you are, as no matter what low he stooped too, as long as he came back I welcomed him ). Each time he would come back for a while and then disappear or do the same ol same ol and I would feel hurt and foolish and wonder WHY??? And yes...like you, in the short time he did come back, my aching heart/aching low self esteem was soothed and I felt "so happy" only to feel even worst..... I spent a lot of time believing that maybe if I figured him out and his motives then somehow I could "play the cards right". In essence you trying to figure this person out is a means of control and for you to somehow predict and even influence their actions towards you. It is. It was a useless effort as essentially it was NOT a viable relationship and it wasn't about love and it wasn't about me needing to figure him out, it was about me realizing when something isn't right and leaving it alone as well as getting to a place of power and strength within myself. Today...I realize that a woman munching on crumbs pretending it's an entire loaf of bread is one of the most common things and the hardest thing to realize. It's like you're starving and have a whole within yourself so even scraps are better than nothing and you will defend and hoard those scraps to the death as if they were filet mignon, when it isn't! And only when you're fed and full can you be discerning and refuse the scraps and wonder why the eff you ate it anyway. Anyway....your name is "crazy chick", your thread is entitled "madness", you admit on several occasions that you need this man to be happy as well as that you know it is insane and unhealthy....therefore, what can anyone say? You're not that oblivious...you're just very stuck and holding on to dear life to that craps, scared to actually let it go and seek some true sustenance (within yourself). Been there, know the drill......and I had to get sick and tired on my own to make the change. I don't think anyone here can "help you"....I don't think you want advice, because you already know. You're in that defense mind frame where each and every thread is going to about your insecurity and knowledge of the truth but trying desperately to refute what you KNOW to be true, hoping that it will turn out to be something else better than the reality. "It looks like shyt, smells like shyt, but maybe if I wish really hard it will be chocolate cake...right???" --- That's what you're doing. I do think though that eventually you'll see the light and move on from this, even if it does mean getting your heart ripped out first. Sometimes that's what has to happen.
MissBee Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Oyi...what do you really want to hear CC? You want to hear that he's jeopardizing all this because he's madly in love with you - he's just willing to risk it all./ Except he isn't, he may love you, but he's not risking anything - you want the answer here it is: You're filling a void, you're meeting a need for him. He's getting an ego boost from you, he's getting an emotional connection from you, and soon, when everything calms down some more, he'll get the PA from you too - you're not objecting, you're still playing his game and settling, why wouldn't he still keep contact with you? It's perfect, once the heat dies down at home, he'll go right back to the PA with you. Why does he do all this - because he can, because you're participating. It's that simple. Oh man, how I love the Martyr bulls**t!!! yeah, he was almost destroyed by how much he hurt his kids, and yet, uhm, here he is carrying on an emotional affair with you. Wow!! Yeah his kids I'm sure are dumb enough to be more accepting of that! Gimme a f**king break! I absolutely hate guys like that - its so much more noble to act like a martyr than admit to being a coward! I'm not judging you CC. I've been there in my own way, it just makes me mad that he's toying with you. *Applause* My sentiments exactly....CC pisses me off more because she so passively accepts it and I don't judge her either but from being in a similar situation it sickens me to see someone else go through it with rose-tinted glasses, blinders and a full armor of delusion. She takes little responsibility either saying well HE seems sincere...why is HE doing it...if she figures out HIS motive then things would be better...blah blah...everything is about what HE does/doesn't do/wants and that is exactly why as you said, he continues...as this woman will allow you to do ANYTHING! So if you have a free pass to Disney Land...why not??? I relate to much once being there and it sickens me how I too made everything about him and what HE wanted or didn't want and wasn't going to do....releasing myself from all responsibility. I didn't commandeer my own self at all and will NEVER do that again.
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 The real question, once again is, why are you MORE concerned with his reasonings to keep the A going rather than why YOU are! Obviously he knows he can get away with continuing the affair and still stay married. He has NO intention of divorcing his wife, he is happy having two women. Again, the question is WHY are you staying? Are you happy enough to just be there when he feels like talking to you? Giving you crumbs?
Gentlegirl Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 You are dangling on his fishing line....just in case. why did you bother to spend money on a phone to talk to him?
Author Crazy chick1 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 You are dangling on his fishing line....just in case. why did you bother to spend money on a phone to talk to him? It was incredibly cheap & as it's on his network calls to him are dirt cheap too. In answer to WWiU, I focus on him & his feelings when posting on here because I don't need others to explain my feelings because no-one knows better than I do what those feelings are. There is such a wealth of experience on here & the advice comes from real life situations & although every situation is different, there are obvious similarities within them. So it helps me to hear about similar situations. Hope that makes sense. I sometimes feel powerless when dealing with MM because he affects me in a different way to how anyone has done before. He just seems to have a way of dominating the direction in which we're going & he pursues me relentlessly. I struggled so much after d day because suddenly his support had gone & it was strange making decisions for myself again. I really am not like this as a rule & run my own home & hold down my own job with no problems, but with him it's like I'm a different person & I just don't get it. He has power over me & I don't understand it.
Author Crazy chick1 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 How old are you? Do you have any children? Do you want children? The answer to these questions are important in my opinion, since a relationship with a MM can go on for years without him getting a divorce. I'd hate to see you miss out on the opportunity to have children of your own. I am in my mid thirties & have 2 children, who see their father regularly. I have no desire for any more children & neither has MM (who is in his late forties). Thankfully this is one issue I haven't got to worry about.
20Seconds Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I sometimes feel powerless when dealing with MM because he affects me in a different way to how anyone has done before. He just seems to have a way of dominating the direction in which we're going & he pursues me relentlessly. I struggled so much after d day because suddenly his support had gone & it was strange making decisions for myself again. I really am not like this as a rule & run my own home & hold down my own job with no problems, but with him it's like I'm a different person & I just don't get it. He has power over me & I don't understand it. You need to go and read up on narcissim and co-dependency. It might shed some light.
fooled once Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 Oyi...what do you really want to hear CC? You want to hear that he's jeopardizing all this because he's madly in love with you - he's just willing to risk it all./ Except he isn't, he may love you, but he's not risking anything - you want the answer here it is: You're filling a void, you're meeting a need for him. He's getting an ego boost from you, he's getting an emotional connection from you, and soon, when everything calms down some more, he'll get the PA from you too - you're not objecting, you're still playing his game and settling, why wouldn't he still keep contact with you? It's perfect, once the heat dies down at home, he'll go right back to the PA with you. Why does he do all this - because he can, because you're participating. It's that simple. Oh man, how I love the Martyr bulls**t!!! yeah, he was almost destroyed by how much he hurt his kids, and yet, uhm, here he is carrying on an emotional affair with you. Wow!! Yeah his kids I'm sure are dumb enough to be more accepting of that! Gimme a f**king break! I absolutely hate guys like that - its so much more noble to act like a martyr than admit to being a coward! I'm not judging you CC. I've been there in my own way, it just makes me mad that he's toying with you. totally agree Knowing how much it hurt him when his children cut him off, and knowing that continuing to participate in this A (although it has now shifted to an EA) risks him losing a relationship with his children, I'm curious...if you love him, why do you let him continue to take that risk? Shouldn't you love him enough to walk away? Yep. Crazy, what are you wanting from people here? To tell you he just loves you SOOOOOO much he is willing to risk his marriage again? Do you think that he is going to magically change his mind about his marriage? Are you hoping that by staying in contact you can 'win' him away from his wife? So you get a few phone calls from him. Big deal. How is that any good for you? It is keeping you connected to someone who has TOLD YOU he isn't leaving his wife. He loves the ego boost he gets from you gushing about how wonderful he is, how much you love him, how you miss him. You can't see this? And here you are helping him by buying a pre-paid phone to secretly talk to him. Doesn't this sound juvenille or immature to you? This is NOT how adults behave. Where do you see yourself in a year? So this summer, when he is on vacation with his wife, or celebrating their anniversary or whatever, how are you going to feel knowing he has MADE THE CHOICE to stay married and stay with his wife .. and will call you or text you when he is bored or has time on his hands? I mean, he isn't making plans to go on vacation with you, right? So what are you getting from this? An ego boost knowing this man wants you? And how exactly does that keep you warm at night? Is it nice to snuggle up next to....a text message or a phone conversation? You are wasting your life on a guy who is married and is not leaving.
Breezy Trousers Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 (edited) I sometimes feel powerless when dealing with MM because he affects me in a different way to how anyone has done before. He just seems to have a way of dominating the direction in which we're going & he pursues me relentlessly. I struggled so much after d day because suddenly his support had gone & it was strange making decisions for myself again. I really am not like this as a rule & run my own home & hold down my own job with no problems, but with him it's like I'm a different person & I just don't get it. He has power over me & I don't understand it. This is not normal. You know that, right? People with narcissistic personality disorder tend to have this effect on partners, though. What you wrote is almost verbatim what typical codependent partners say. Please read up on it. If it fits, fine. If not, disregard. I think what Miss Bee wrote is a perfect assessment of what they do -- trolling for narcissistic supply: I kid you not....with my ex, I spent an exorbitant amount of time trying to "figure him out". We broke up, he got new gfs but KEPT coming back and even reaching out to me while with them and I was confused as to why the eff would he be doing that? Why does he go out of his way to be in my life??? No one is forcing him.....and I internalized it to mean "He must love me a lot or something", "He just can't get over me", "We're meant to be" , "He can't get enough of me", "I'm so special" However, that was NOT the case. My ex was narcissistic and his reasons for talking to me had nothing to do with LOVE but everything to do with a compulsion and his own need for validation (which I surely gave, like you are, as no matter what low he stooped too, as long as he came back I welcomed him ). Each time he would come back for a while and then disappear or do the same ol same ol and I would feel hurt and foolish and wonder WHY??? And yes...like you, in the short time he did come back, my aching heart/aching low self esteem was soothed and I felt "so happy" only to feel even worst..... I spent a lot of time believing that maybe if I figured him out and his motives then somehow I could "play the cards right". In essence you trying to figure this person out is a means of control and for you to somehow predict and even influence their actions towards you. It is. It was a useless effort as essentially it was NOT a viable relationship and it wasn't about love and it wasn't about me needing to figure him out, it was about me realizing when something isn't right and leaving it alone as well as getting to a place of power and strength within myself. Today...I realize that a woman munching on crumbs pretending it's an entire loaf of bread is one of the most common things and the hardest thing to realize. It's like you're starving and have a whole within yourself so even scraps are better than nothing and you will defend and hoard those scraps to the death as if they were filet mignon, when it isn't! And only when you're fed and full can you be discerning and refuse the scraps and wonder why the eff you ate it anyway. I was shocked a couple months ago when MM started "fishing" with me again --- for one thing, judging from current office gossip, he presumably already has an OW. However, I wasn't surprised. I know he was trolling for supply (attention) and that none of his behavior was complimentary toward me. In fact, it reflected poorly on me because it shows that he believes he can still manipulate me, so I clearly didn't hold myself in a way that would deter him. He still saw a open door there. Educating ourselves is empowerment. If I didn't educate myself on this, I would still be in love fog I was floating around in in 2008, believing that MM's attention "meant" something -- that I must be special to him, so special that he's willing to risk everything for me. Now I know better. He's a narcissist and I, his current OW and his wife mean nothing to him. But the three of us are probably all codependent to varying degrees, which is why this man came into our lives. So I agree with 20Seconds here -- "read up on narcissism and codependency." See if it fits. Edited June 15, 2011 by Breezy Trousers
BB07 Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 Your sentiments are some of the very same ones I have shared before....and am here to tell you that it's a form of denial that leads you down the slippery slope to nowhere, except pain and hurt and loss of self worth. I kid you not....with my ex, I spent an exorbitant amount of time trying to "figure him out". We broke up, he got new gfs but KEPT coming back and even reaching out to me while with them and I was confused as to why the eff would he be doing that? Why does he go out of his way to be in my life??? No one is forcing him.....and I internalized it to mean "He must love me a lot or something", "He just can't get over me", "We're meant to be" , "He can't get enough of me", "I'm so special" However, that was NOT the case. My ex was narcissistic and his reasons for talking to me had nothing to do with LOVE but everything to do with a compulsion and his own need for validation (which I surely gave, like you are, as no matter what low he stooped too, as long as he came back I welcomed him ). Each time he would come back for a while and then disappear or do the same ol same ol and I would feel hurt and foolish and wonder WHY??? And yes...like you, in the short time he did come back, my aching heart/aching low self esteem was soothed and I felt "so happy" only to feel even worst..... I spent a lot of time believing that maybe if I figured him out and his motives then somehow I could "play the cards right". In essence you trying to figure this person out is a means of control and for you to somehow predict and even influence their actions towards you. It is. It was a useless effort as essentially it was NOT a viable relationship and it wasn't about love and it wasn't about me needing to figure him out, it was about me realizing when something isn't right and leaving it alone as well as getting to a place of power and strength within myself. Today...I realize that a woman munching on crumbs pretending it's an entire loaf of bread is one of the most common things and the hardest thing to realize. It's like you're starving and have a whole within yourself so even scraps are better than nothing and you will defend and hoard those scraps to the death as if they were filet mignon, when it isn't! And only when you're fed and full can you be discerning and refuse the scraps and wonder why the eff you ate it anyway. Anyway....your name is "crazy chick", your thread is entitled "madness", you admit on several occasions that you need this man to be happy as well as that you know it is insane and unhealthy....therefore, what can anyone say? You're not that oblivious...you're just very stuck and holding on to dear life to that craps, scared to actually let it go and seek some true sustenance (within yourself). Been there, know the drill......and I had to get sick and tired on my own to make the change. I don't think anyone here can "help you"....I don't think you want advice, because you already know. You're in that defense mind frame where each and every thread is going to about your insecurity and knowledge of the truth but trying desperately to refute what you KNOW to be true, hoping that it will turn out to be something else better than the reality. "It looks like shyt, smells like shyt, but maybe if I wish really hard it will be chocolate cake...right???" --- That's what you're doing. I do think though that eventually you'll see the light and move on from this, even if it does mean getting your heart ripped out first. Sometimes that's what has to happen. I don't know about anyone else but you impress the hell out of me MissBee with your insight and I can sooooo relate to what you write. Part of it.........I feel as if you are writing about me and some of my more stupid choices re: men. Like you.........I'm trying so hard to become self aware before and if I ever get into another relationship. The bolded above really spoke to me and I could have wrote that myself. I heart you LadyBee!
BB07 Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 >>>>Raises her hand and says yep..........been there, done that too AND WILL NOT do it again. *Applause* My sentiments exactly....CC pisses me off more because she so passively accepts it and I don't judge her either but from being in a similar situation it sickens me to see someone else go through it with rose-tinted glasses, blinders and a full armor of delusion. She takes little responsibility either saying well HE seems sincere...why is HE doing it...if she figures out HIS motive then things would be better...blah blah...everything is about what HE does/doesn't do/wants and that is exactly why as you said, he continues...as this woman will allow you to do ANYTHING! So if you have a free pass to Disney Land...why not??? I relate to much once being there and it sickens me how I too made everything about him and what HE wanted or didn't want and wasn't going to do....releasing myself from all responsibility. I didn't commandeer my own self at all and will NEVER do that again.
TurboGirl Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 GREAT POST MISS BEE! :bunny::bunny: Your insights are on point, for sure, at least for me (former ow here).
whichwayisup Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 In answer to WWiU, I focus on him & his feelings when posting on here because I don't need others to explain my feelings because no-one knows better than I do what those feelings are. There is such a wealth of experience on here & the advice comes from real life situations & although every situation is different, there are obvious similarities within them. So it helps me to hear about similar situations. Hope that makes sense. No this doesn't make sense to me. I think you need to focus on yourself and why you feel the way you do and sort through it. Ask yourself the tough questions and really consider therapy because you're on a path that is going to continue to hurt you badly. You should talk about this and less focus on him and the why's how's. It isn't that complicated when it comes to him. He does because he CAN. I sometimes feel powerless when dealing with MM because he affects me in a different way to how anyone has done before. He just seems to have a way of dominating the direction in which we're going & he pursues me relentlessly. I struggled so much after d day because suddenly his support had gone & it was strange making decisions for myself again. I really am not like this as a rule & run my own home & hold down my own job with no problems, but with him it's like I'm a different person & I just don't get it. He has power over me & I don't understand it. This power is manipulation and he knows exactly what to say to you, push your buttons to get what he wants from you. You are weak in the knees when it comes to him and he will selfishly use that to his advantage, put himself first and he'll treat you like crap. It's a very unhealthy dynamic and hold he has over you, you will "lose" who you are the longer you're with him. You'll change into someone you may not like or respect. Do you want to understand this power he has over you? Are you willing to figure it out to break away from him? Or are you too weak and think you deserve this shi.t on a stick he's selling you? You've made him your everything outside of your kids and work. You have to be happy and okay with or without him and it seems you don't feel 'complete' without him in your life. He isn't yours to have all to yourself and you don't realize how little he's offering you, yet you're taking it like he's giving you the world. It's sad as you deserve better and more! But you'll never get it from him.
MissBee Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 I don't know about anyone else but you impress the hell out of me MissBee with your insight and I can sooooo relate to what you write. Part of it.........I feel as if you are writing about me and some of my more stupid choices re: men. Like you.........I'm trying so hard to become self aware before and if I ever get into another relationship. The bolded above really spoke to me and I could have wrote that myself. I heart you LadyBee! Awww thank you darling (and thanks Turbo Girl!) I've just been there, done that and went through so much hurt and had the chance to see it for what it is and if I can help someone else become more aware of their situation, then I'm all for it. This type of stuff is like a pandemic and the worst part is that: this is many women's reality and they have people around them telling them it is normal when it in fact isn't. Every woman is a Queen....even if she doesn't know it and I'm stepping into my royalty every single day and making choices for my life that reflect that and would like to see more women do the same.
Woman In Blue Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 We've all heard the bullsh*t excuse used by married men - ad nauseum - about how they can't leave because "they don't want to be a weekend father," and "they don't want another man raising their kids," and blah blah blah. They all read from the same married man manual and the kid stuff is the usual self-serving drivel they all use to stay married and look like a martyr to their OW. But THIS guy has ADULT children and he's STILL using the kid excuse because he wants to stay married? And that really IS the bottom line. He just wants to stay married. Period. Why are you wasting your breath on this loser? Hell, I wouldn't have purchased a tin can and a string to talk to this guy, much less a cheap cell phone to talk to him.
Recommended Posts