Linda9999 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Every once in a while I get the urge to look in his computer to see if he's 'up to' anything. I never find anything. So why do I keep doing it? Once a month or so I sit down and go through his internet history and all kinds of other stuff/files that I have no idea what it even is. There's stuff from before D day still in there but nothing new. Someday the urge to snoop will go away right?
Mr.Harris Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Every once in a while I get the urge to look in his computer to see if he's 'up to' anything. I never find anything. So why do I keep doing it? Once a month or so I sit down and go through his internet history and all kinds of other stuff/files that I have no idea what it even is. There's stuff from before D day still in there but nothing new. Someday the urge to snoop will go away right? Because you justifiably don't trust him. That says something in itself. I'm sure a few others will come here saying it's just daily routine but it's not. It's a red flag. One that you should pay close attention to.
Author Linda9999 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Dday #1 was march 2010, #2 was Nov 2010. #2 happened when I snooped on his computer
What_Next Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 You do it because you need to right now. Yes I believe it will go away in time. I don't snoop as such in terms of computer access at home, but my wife knows full well that most activity is keylogged anyway, and is likely to stay that way for a while. She is free to browse my history as well, in fact we BOTH openly admit that to each other. Discuss this with your husband. Talk about it and talk it through. If there is anything at all that makes you nervous or question his truthfullness get it out in the open and see what you can do about eliminating it.
dale_gribble Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Because he violated a sacred trust- YOUR VOWS to each other. This will never end unless you trust him COMPLETELY. With cheaters that a loooong way off.
YellowShark Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Why do you do it? Because he cheated on you... TWICE. Dday #1 was march 2010, #2 was Nov 2010. Here' a quote I live by now Linda9999, because what you're going through now happened to me. "Once a cheater, not always a cheater... TWICE a cheater... always a cheater." You have every right to feel insecure, your insecurity drives your mistrust. Your VALID mistrust is the reason you keep checking up on him.
HalfAlive22 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 :love:it's been almost 3 years for me, and I still do it too, and I too never find anything..for me, and this sounds crazy, I wanted to find something, because after we decided to make it work, i realized I made a mistatke so I was looking for a reason to leave, after a while I did just leave, and now here we are again trying to figure it out..but I"m still snooping:confused:
ladydesigner Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Because he cheated on you... TWICE. This is the case with myself too. I believe there were more than two times though with my H. Two that I found out about many more suspicions. I am actively trying NOT to snoop as it was starting to interfere with MY life and MY happiness so I have decided to stop. I have come to realize I have no control over what my H will do. I do have control over what I will do and if I am ever presented with blatant evidence again I am going to have to find the power to divorce him as much as I do not want to. When it comes down to it I trust my husband but also do not trust him:confused: I know it makes no sense at all, but is where I am at.
Oceanblue47 Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 He has had two affairs, and the last time you found out was from the pc or phone, A separate (hidden) phone could handle texts and emails I dare say you are doing this because deep down you feel something is not quite right The fact that he has had two affairs indicates that monogamy is not high on his agenda, or what he thinks of your feelings (or total disregard for them) My wife had an affair 18 months ago and we decided to work through the issues that caused it, However I am starting to feel otherwise, it is a horrible feeling of a sense of betrayal that never leaves the memory
Planofool Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 It will be four years this month since D - day and I still go over her cell phone records. In fact I was on-line this morning looking at her text message history. She knows I can see all of that so it would be really dumb of her to use her cell phone as an affair tool. So why do I still look? I guess because I don't trust her and probably never will.
Author Linda9999 Posted June 15, 2011 Author Posted June 15, 2011 Geez girl........... So what is he doing about it? Is he completely transparent? Is he going to IC? Is he sorry? He is - we go to MC, he goes to IC, I have passwords, bank account and cc statement access, email, what have you. And yes he's sorry - he's written it down and said it over and over. And I do believe he's sorry.
nyrias Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 Here' a quote I live by now Linda9999, because what you're going through now happened to me. "Once a cheater, not always a cheater... TWICE a cheater... always a cheater." If this statement is true, the real question is why would anyone stick with someone who has cheated twice. The logical conclusion is that you should LEAVE, unless of course you feel it is "ok" to stick with this particular cheater. Which prompt me to the next question. Is there any other quality that *you* will balance against cheating and make it ok? From the strong negative reaction to cheating here on LS, i suspect the answer is "no" for almost all posters. If that is the case, it is really puzzling that why would anyone continue to "work" with someone who has been discovered to cheat more than once if they truly believe the statement "TWICE a cheater... always a cheater."
dale_gribble Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 "why would anyone stick with someone who has cheated twice."- I ask myself this very thing- WHY? Your only setting yourself up for more heartache. I think it has to do more with personal self-esteem, rather than love for the other person. I think BS is afraid of being alone. But, if you are aware, people are living longer these days(70's) so the chances of meeting a new mate and finding happiness elsewhere is very likely. So why stay with a cheater, let alone twice a cheater.
reboot Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 I discovered "finding happiness" doesn't depend on a mate, the old one or a new one. I think most people put way too much emphasis on "having someone".
nyrias Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 "why would anyone stick with someone who has cheated twice."- I ask myself this very thing- WHY? Your only setting yourself up for more heartache. I think it has to do more with personal self-esteem, rather than love for the other person. I think BS is afraid of being alone. But, if you are aware, people are living longer these days(70's) so the chances of meeting a new mate and finding happiness elsewhere is very likely. So why stay with a cheater, let alone twice a cheater. I think the personal self-esteem & fear of being alone are good guesses at the reasons. In fact, there may even be a "status" component. I don't want to "lose" my spouse and be seen as a "failure". However, i do NOT agree with the second part of your assessment. Statistics seem to indicate that finding happiness (in this case, a marriage that last) has pretty bad odds. At the same time, i suppose a 1 in 2 odds is better than a 100% cheater.
nyrias Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 I discovered "finding happiness" doesn't depend on a mate, the old one or a new one. I think most people put way too much emphasis on "having someone". Finally something insightful. I don't think we need to preclude happiness in other modes of existence beyond traditional marriage. Examples: - single and alone, but focus on other aspects of life (work, hobby ...) - dating with sequential monogamy - dating with multiple partners (with full disclosure) - be associated with with sex partner(s) Who is to say any of these are wrong if no deception is involved? People should be able to choose their mode of life freely. Oh lastly - become a muslim and have 4 wives (only applied to men) ..... wish this is a joke .. obviously not fair to female .. but this happened quite often in the world.
Author Linda9999 Posted June 15, 2011 Author Posted June 15, 2011 OK here's what happened. He cheated via the internet (no physical contact), I caught him, I kicked him out. We lived apart for 5 months. He went to IC and decided he was a cybersex addict (NOT a sex addict - he thought there was a difference). He cut off all online activities 5 days after I kicked him out, with one relapse 2 months later but none since. 3 months after I kciked him out he had too much to drink and picked up a street hooker on his way home from the bar. Didn't tell me (or anyone) for 5 more months, during which time we had gotten back together and he managed to stay away from doing anything else. So D day #2 is when he told me about the hooker, which he only did because I found searches for STD's in his internet history. He immediately started going to SAA group once a week and intends to do so for probably the rest of his life. I am sure he's not engaging in anything now on line or otherwise, and as long as he continues to be 'sober' I am willing to keep working on things.
ladydesigner Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 If this statement is true, the real question is why would anyone stick with someone who has cheated twice. The logical conclusion is that you should LEAVE, unless of course you feel it is "ok" to stick with this particular cheater. Which prompt me to the next question. Is there any other quality that *you* will balance against cheating and make it ok? From the strong negative reaction to cheating here on LS, i suspect the answer is "no" for almost all posters. If that is the case, it is really puzzling that why would anyone continue to "work" with someone who has been discovered to cheat more than once if they truly believe the statement "TWICE a cheater... always a cheater." This is a good question. At first I stayed because of the kids and how much they adored their dad. Of course I went on to have a revenge affair, but that's another story. I also believe that I did not want to have a failed marriage, for some reason that was a really big deal to me. I stayed because... We had a history together We got along like best friends We still had good chemistry He was a good father He didn't physically or verbally abuse me the list could go on and on. I believe my H is/was a sex addict. We were also struggling with lack of affection and sex (from me) at the time. I also believe that if a person really wants to change they can. I honestly do not know if my H would cheat again. I hope not. He has seen the effect it has had on me and our M. Our M now is better than it has ever been. All I can do is hope for the best. I love my H, infidelity and all, I have been able to forgive and understand. I can also feel that I am beginning to let go of the pain as well.
nyrias Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 This is a good question. At first I stayed because of the kids and how much they adored their dad. Of course I went on to have a revenge affair, but that's another story. I also believe that I did not want to have a failed marriage, for some reason that was a really big deal to me. I stayed because... We had a history together We got along like best friends We still had good chemistry He was a good father He didn't physically or verbally abuse me the list could go on and on. I believe my H is/was a sex addict. We were also struggling with lack of affection and sex (from me) at the time. I also believe that if a person really wants to change they can. I honestly do not know if my H would cheat again. I hope not. He has seen the effect it has had on me and our M. Our M now is better than it has ever been. All I can do is hope for the best. I love my H, infidelity and all, I have been able to forgive and understand. I can also feel that I am beginning to let go of the pain as well. The fact the you say "I also believe that if a person really wants to change they can. I honestly do not know if my H would cheat again." means that you don't truly believe .... "TWICE a cheater... always a cheater." Or is some of the other factors you cited (good father, good chemistry ....) allows you to overlook certain future cheating? Is that right? How about 3 times? 4 times? Einstein once said (paraphrase), "The definition of insanity is that to do the same thing again and again and expect a different result".
ladydesigner Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 The fact the you say "I also believe that if a person really wants to change they can. I honestly do not know if my H would cheat again." means that you don't truly believe .... "TWICE a cheater... always a cheater." Or is some of the other factors you cited (good father, good chemistry ....) allows you to overlook certain future cheating? Is that right? How about 3 times? 4 times? Einstein once said (paraphrase), "The definition of insanity is that to do the same thing again and again and expect a different result". Your right I don't truly believe, I want to but can't. And yes it does feel insane sometimes. My therapist is working with me on letting go of the distrust I have for my H. It seems to be working. If I am ever confronted with evidence again I do need to make a decision, especially as my kids get older and I do not want them to think it is okay to stay if a person betrays you over and over again. I don't think my H will cheat again, but I will never say never. It is a possibility that it could happen again and I am not going to overlook the future cheating and have stated so this time around.
Author Linda9999 Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 Some days I think it's early to be trusting, other days I wonder what's wrong with me, some days I am convinced he'd never do it again, other days I am convinced he is still hiding something. It's draining and I wish it would all just GO AWAY. MC is sorta helping. Our counselor seems to think I should be father along than I am. I am not impressed with our counselor lately. I do need to do something for myself to relax.
ladydesigner Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Some days I think it's early to be trusting, other days I wonder what's wrong with me, some days I am convinced he'd never do it again, other days I am convinced he is still hiding something. It's draining and I wish it would all just GO AWAY. MC is sorta helping. Our counselor seems to think I should be father along than I am. I am not impressed with our counselor lately. I do need to do something for myself to relax. So sorry to hear about the MC session. I completely understand how you feel (((Linda9999))) especially the bolded. I love my H and want to believe him. I have made the changes in myself which I believe led my H to stray in the first place so if it does happen again I can at least say I was not to blame. Next time I need to walk, plain and simple. Hope things start to get better for you.
nyrias Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Your right I don't truly believe, I want to but can't. And yes it does feel insane sometimes. My therapist is working with me on letting go of the distrust I have for my H. It seems to be working. If I am ever confronted with evidence again I do need to make a decision, especially as my kids get older and I do not want them to think it is okay to stay if a person betrays you over and over again. I don't think my H will cheat again, but I will never say never. It is a possibility that it could happen again and I am not going to overlook the future cheating and have stated so this time around. Is he worth it to work through the distrust? It seems a lot of work on your part. How many times did he stray?
nyrias Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Some days I think it's early to be trusting, other days I wonder what's wrong with me, some days I am convinced he'd never do it again, other days I am convinced he is still hiding something. It's draining and I wish it would all just GO AWAY. MC is sorta helping. Our counselor seems to think I should be father along than I am. I am not impressed with our counselor lately. I do need to do something for myself to relax. Is there a reason why you don't just leave? That must have crossed your mind since you have to do all these hard work without any fault of yours.
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