Lovely246 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I will start out by giving you a little bit of backstory. My husband and I are currently seperated and we are going to be filing for a divorce. We were only married for 2 years and we have a 1 year old son together. We lived in Canada together but since seperating he has relocated to Virginia. My grievance is this- We seperated on April 16th and about 2 weeks ago, around the end of May my husband began dating someone else. Not just anybody else either, but a close friend of mine. I am hurting in so many different ways that I can't even begin to sort any of it out. I am hurting for my son because the man I chose for his father turned out to not be much of a father at all, I am hurting because I have lost a friend when I need one the most and I am hurting because my husband has already found someone else, which to me indicates that our marriage was never taken seriously by him in the first place. Him dating doesn't bother me all that much in general, it is just how quickly it happened that leaves me feeling bitter and unsettled. I feel as though our life together meant nothing to him. During our marriage I tried to do everything I could to make him happy and keep us together but it was never enough and he was miserable about everything, nothing was ever good enough for him though I did everything for him and treated him like a king, so for him to start a relationship with someone else so quickly is a huge slap in the face. How do I make peace with his decision so that I can be happy and move on when I am ready?
Mr.Harris Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I will start out by giving you a little bit of backstory. My husband and I are currently seperated and we are going to be filing for a divorce. We were only married for 2 years and we have a 1 year old son together. We lived in Canada together but since seperating he has relocated to Virginia. My grievance is this- We seperated on April 16th and about 2 weeks ago, around the end of May my husband began dating someone else. Not just anybody else either, but a close friend of mine. I am hurting in so many different ways that I can't even begin to sort any of it out. I am hurting for my son because the man I chose for his father turned out to not be much of a father at all, I am hurting because I have lost a friend when I need one the most and I am hurting because my husband has already found someone else, which to me indicates that our marriage was never taken seriously by him in the first place. Him dating doesn't bother me all that much in general, it is just how quickly it happened that leaves me feeling bitter and unsettled. I feel as though our life together meant nothing to him. During our marriage I tried to do everything I could to make him happy and keep us together but it was never enough and he was miserable about everything, nothing was ever good enough for him though I did everything for him and treated him like a king, so for him to start a relationship with someone else so quickly is a huge slap in the face. How do I make peace with his decision so that I can be happy and move on when I am ready? You're not bitter. You married this man because you loved him. And this is not dating and you know it. That's why you're rightfully torn up about it. This is an affair with a person who was supposed to be your friend. Double betrayal. Since he's been fooling around with your "friend," obviously this has been going on before you two even separated. Just continue taking care of your son and proceed with divorcing this child.
Donewrong Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Can you give a bit of back story about the seperation?? I have to admit I think there was more to this then just starting to date. Seems to me that this was going on alot longer. FYI - this friend is not a friend. If she was a friend she would have said to him - hell no. Take care of your crap first and then we'll talk. She is not a friend..she is the OW.
4NewRoad Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Hi, I am so sorry you are going through this. As you will see, you are not alone at all! If it is any consolation, look around! We've all been cheated on either by a husband, a friend, a relationship, etc. Please, try to stop beating yourself about having chosen poorly. Many times we go into a relationship, even a marriage, with an idea of what to expect and we, sometimes (although we do not admit it) know we are fooling ourselves (we call this hopefulness I'd say). Why? Because we think we can change and improve our men, based in our love and our commitment to spending our lives with them, and boy does it hurt when we are given our first wake up calls... Men see time spent with them, love given to them, and commitment, in a completely different way than we women do! To us, demostrations of love and a sense of "I care so much about you I'd do anything" means the world! But to men, somehow, it tends to mean "I'll see how far I can continue to push and when I get enough, I'll turn off" (at least that has been my experience). This is NOT to say that there are no men out there who DO VALUE that, but the man you chose to marry, is not one of them. Sorry. If I were to see the positive side of your situation, I'd say am glad that you ended a bad marriage sooner than later because when we cling to a failing relationship for a long time, we only build bad feelings about the other person, and in all honesty, about ourselves. We go through that "I can't believe I trusted this person", as you are currently doing, but as I said, maybe looking back and being fully honest with yourself, you knew this was not going to work... You seem to have the GOOD FORTUNE of a son. He will be your savior! You will be able to focus your attention, your love, your nurturing feelings on him and in time, once you heal, you might be able to forgive both, your ex-husband and your ex-friend. That is something you would have to do for YOURSELF, it would be good FOR YOU. You do not have to care for them, accept them back into your life or anything like that! You just need to find internal peace, and you will, with time. Be patient to yourself, be compassionate to yourself, forgive yourself for anything you think you could have done differently. Step by step, slowly and re-connecting with things that give you comfort, you'll be out of this episode in your life. Be strong.
Author Lovely246 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Can you give a bit of back story about the seperation?? I have to admit I think there was more to this then just starting to date. Seems to me that this was going on alot longer. FYI - this friend is not a friend. If she was a friend she would have said to him - hell no. Take care of your crap first and then we'll talk. She is not a friend..she is the OW. The backstory about the seperation is this: On the night of April 15th 2011 my husband and I had a dinner party and throughout the dinner party he belittled and embarassed me in front of my friends (his new girlfriend was not in attendance though). He was picking on my weight and body and saying that I am lazy and worthless because I make less money at my job than he does at his. That night really opened my eyes and I knew that this was not the man I fell in love with, nor was he the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and raise children with, I don't want my son to grow up thinking it's acceptable to treat others that way. I left the next day and took him to court for custody of our son 2 weeks ago, where I was granted full custody.
coolheadal Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Well you see what you had said of being belittled I can understand how that feels as my wife did the same to me in front of her mom as she don't care about how I feel. Your husband did the same. This means they're not acting like they should be around others and you. Not suppose to be happening. I know this is bad sign too or red flag. Well it your close friend like you body wise as it seems he left for another reason to go and leave in VA. Some men only look at the body and not by the person inside. I am like that type of man who looks at your inside. Still something the spouse don't feel the same. We get to comfortable in our relationship and put on more body mass and the spouse you have married might not want to be with such a spouse and starts to look at another. It's best you don't stay at home with your son. Go over to your sisters, brother, mom or some close friend you can trust and be with them. Otherwise you're going to tear yourself up over this. No one should ever go through this alone, I know I couldn't handle it but I've tried to put up a wall around my emotions and tackle my wife as we going through this time of break-up. Not easy for me but I can't show emotion around her. If I did she would tear me down with rude comments and personal attacks. Try to see if you can phone a friend or get out of the place now for a few days!
sunshine103 Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 That is a "rebound" relationship that for the most part, usually fails. It's a shame that he must go with your friend, instead of looking for someone else. Don't he think you will find out? Very tacky and tasteless for him to go with your close friend, soon after you guys break up. Jumping into a relationship so quick usually don't work because it will be based on a emotions that are not clear and confusing. When the smoke clears, then they will realize what they have lost and will try to come back. If he doesn't want to be with you, then let him be, but make sure he will take responsibility of your 1 yr old son. Move on and focus on yourself and your son - this is important. In this case, I would not do NC, but try to keep an open line of communication, for the sake of your child.
Mauschen Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 I agree - it sounds like a rebound relationship. And your friend sucks for becoming a part of it. In any case, good for you on the full custody, and it is wonderful (for you) that your ex moved away if he is that emotionally/verbally abusive. Hopefully you don't have to deal with him much then, which in time, you will be grateful for.
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