What_Next Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I see in my previous post I dropped a word, it was supposed to read "you don't know ME", the omission of that word can make someone mis-interpret my post entirely.
wheelwright Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 (edited) It was started because I was hoping someone that had contacted an ex would tell me their reason why. I did this so I guess I can answer. Because sometimes not being in contact feels like a mad facade. And because I want to know how he is. I still feel love. Mostly it's under control, and after a recent attempt at contact I felt like a tw**. But laughed at myself. Because I still harbour a suspicion the NC was more of his BS than him talking. Because he told me NC by text and by blanking me in the street instead of looking me in the eye and making me feel it was from him. It's hard to put it to bed without that. Because I have enough closure to move on, but more would be welcome. Because I need reminding when he doesn't reply that he meant it. You don't have to remind me to feel stupid about this. But that's why Edited June 14, 2011 by wheelwright
silktricks Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 (edited) The first part of my question though - Should there have been closure? Do people that have been in this situation that have had specific closure, move on quicker? I don't think "closure" makes any difference. I don't think it's "polite" to simply fall off the edge of the earth and not tell the person it's over (they could think you died or something), but I don't think it helps people move on at all. They will move on when they are ready to. My H tried to give his AP "closure" by letting her know that they were over - that apparently meant to her that she just needed to be more insistent, as she continued to harass us literally for years after the A was over. In fact at something like the 4 or 5 year mark he received a card from her (he had changed email accounts, cell phone numbers and home phone numbers - the only route left was snail mail.... ). Some people not only don't take a hint, but don't even take a 2 x 4 'side the head. And sometimes persistence works - or rekindling old flames works or whatever, as otherwise Facebook wouldn't be the menace that it seems to be for many married people.... Edited June 14, 2011 by silktricks
Snowflower Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I don't think "closure" makes any difference. I don't think it's "polite" to simply fall off the edge of the earth and not tell the person it's over (they could think you died or something), but I don't think it helps people move on at all. They will move on when they are ready to. My H tried to give his AP "closure" by letting her know that they were over - that apparently meant to her that she just needed to be more insistent, as she continued to harass us literally for years after the A was over. In fact at something like the 4 or 5 year mark he received a card from her (he had changed email accounts, cell phone numbers and home phone numbers - the only route left was snail mail.... ). Some people not only don't take a hint, but don't even take a 2 x 4 'side the head. And sometimes persistence works - or rekindling old flames works or whatever, as otherwise Facebook wouldn't be the menace that it seems to be for many married people.... ^^^Great response from the BS side of things when the AP just won't let go. Sometimes the AP won't take the hint. I never had that fortunately in my situation so I can't add much. However, CIK, do you think you could just let him continuing to send emails and just ignore them? Will that work for you, or is it bugging you somehow to have to see them? Again, what does your H say about the continued emails from the xOM? Is he good with just both of you ignoring them?
StoneCold Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 (edited) There you go again with this same old statement. You seem to repeat it on almost a daily basis. Not sure what you mean by it honestly, in this thread I feel as though I've read NOTHING between the lines, only what was presented. The fact that we often have to make judgments with incomplete information makes "reading between the lines" necessary. No different than the tired old "you don't know" which I seem to read constantly, well of course we don't..... Cop out and I'll call you out on it and hold your feet to the fire. Then perhaps you should ask rather than make wild assumptions....or at least if you are going to make such assumptions...identify them as such rather than making them out to be statements of "facts" ( and i use that word very loosely) Edited June 14, 2011 by StoneCold
StoneCold Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Sometimes I wish my life was as exciting & filled with drama - the way some here paint it to be!!!! Bet you do too Wouldnt need TV anymore thats for sure i
wheelwright Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 I don't think "closure" makes any difference. I don't think it's "polite" to simply fall off the edge of the earth and not tell the person it's over (they could think you died or something), but I don't think it helps people move on at all. They will move on when they are ready to. My H tried to give his AP "closure" by letting her know that they were over - that apparently meant to her that she just needed to be more insistent, as she continued to harass us literally for years after the A was over. In fact at something like the 4 or 5 year mark he received a card from her (he had changed email accounts, cell phone numbers and home phone numbers - the only route left was snail mail.... ). Some people not only don't take a hint, but don't even take a 2 x 4 'side the head. And sometimes persistence works - or rekindling old flames works or whatever, as otherwise Facebook wouldn't be the menace that it seems to be for many married people.... Like I said, I want it from his own lips and eyes, or I won't believe it fully. Hints are not especially helpful here. Don't forget, in some cases the xWS has indicated they will leave the M in years to come, that they love the AP but can't be with them right now, plus they flip flopped during A. Of course in a moment of madness the xDAP (discarded AP) will feel that was true. After one year NC I received the following text from xMOM 'The love was never in question. I think about you every minute of every day.' Two weeks later after BS was involved: 'I want to be with (BS) and that will never change' Please, what are we supposed to think? I promise you, there is a way to deliver a definitive answer. The WS knows what it is. It is to stand eye to eye with the AP and say 'I never loved you, it was all a lie and I was following my c**k'. They can add they are sorry if they like.
wheelwright Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 This sort of obsessive attitude on the part of the disillusioned/dumped affair partner is why legal action is often necessary to enforce No Contact. Ultimately if you engage in conduct which the law regards as stalking/harassment of your ex-AP, the "closure" you may receive is being closd up in a jail cell. Your choice. I realise. However, the thread is not about that. It was about the issues which lead to further contact. To be honest, part of me thought that xMOM was pining. What an ego silly trip, eh? I am not a stalker. If someone has pledged love, then I'm sorry, they owe you closure if they want to walk away. Looked you in the eye and meant it love, thinking of you when they are on the toilet love. It is a terrible feeling to need to garner someone's attention for closure. And it is not the same as stalking.
wheelwright Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 There seems to be some discussion here about closure and rights to NC. There are laws of the land, laws of the culture, and laws of the heart. When they intermingle, we know something is right. When they do not - something is amiss. If you tell someone you love them, and subsequently you cannot stand by that for whatever, you owe them closure if they ask. Nothing changes that. And however often they need to hear. That is the law of the heart. Many people think closure is NC. In what realm would ending love be done so callously? Ending love should be kindly done. If a BS thinks 'where was the kindness to me?' and still submit to this end with an AP, they are not practicing what they preach. NC may be a myth to make BSs feel better. Like 'I was irrelevent now it's your turn'. This makes it vengeful and ultimately unfulfilling.
What_Next Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 Then perhaps you should ask rather than make wild assumptions....or at least if you are going to make such assumptions...identify them as such rather than making them out to be statements of "facts" ( and i use that word very loosely) Now where have I done this? Perhaps you might want to re-read my post and my addendum whereby I mentioned I made a mistake in this post, or are you too interested in jumping on me?
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 15, 2011 Author Posted June 15, 2011 To those that actually answered my question(s) a GREAT BIG THANK YOU! Wheel-Silk-Snow-Stone (if I left out someone I apologize)..... I've gained quite a lot of insite since JC's RANT making up what he believed happened. (Afraid of the GF - sheesh Talk about NOT reading a post. This is a prime example of that) Guess you could tie this thread with the other one....How cheaters are treated here. What Next - You wonder why I say "read between the lines" so much. It's you....JC & others who go on your rants, making things up to suit what you believe the story is. When the reality is so far from that...I hardly recognize my own life after you two are done. I realize that at times things are left out of stories. Mine included. Partly because there's no reason to discuss small details unless a question comes up. Any-Who. I've resigned myself to the fact that I will NEVER know WHY he's doing this. I also really don't care. Funny how just a Curiosity Question on this forum blows up into something that is totally unnecessary.
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 15, 2011 Author Posted June 15, 2011 JC - since you've pretty much taken over my thread & bashing everyone in your wake....Have at it. The bottom line - - I know exactly what's in my heart. I know the true story. All of it. You can make assumptions & accusations & have your rants. I believe you told a poster here on this thread that "No one cared what they thought, Really"......Well, right back atcha
Bittersweetie Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 I'm looking for answers to a couple of questions - I guess I'd like to hear from those that were in an affair, it's now over & where both parties were married to someone else. When the affair was over - Did you go NC without any form of a conversation or closure (cold turkey)? .....or....did you sit down & have a conversation about how the affair was OVER, there'd be no more contact etc.? WHY when an affair is over & there has been a very long time of NC would an XAP still randomly try to contact you either thru email, phone,yadda yadda yadda? Ok, I haven't read any of the replies in this thread...but to answer the original question... My A with xOM ended when he stopped talking to me. One day he wanted to get together, the next he told me he was busy and stopped answering me. I tried contacting him for a couple of months through email but nothing, so on my side there was no closure. At that time he was separated (when we first met he was married). I stopped trying to contact him. A few months later when D-day happened, I sent him an angry emotional email (which I now realize I did because I was so angry with myself I had to lash out at someone). He called me twice (I didn't answer). I then left him a message asking him to not contact me again, and there's been NC ever since. If an xAP contacted someone after a long period of time, my guess would be that they want to get together again. Just my thoughts.
What_Next Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 What Next - You wonder why I say "read between the lines" so much. It's you....JC & others who go on your rants, making things up to suit what you believe the story is. When the reality is so far from that...I hardly recognize my own life after you two are done. I realize that at times things are left out of stories. Mine included. Partly because there's no reason to discuss small details unless a question comes up. My dear I've done no ranting in this thread, alhough you say I have. Don't mix me in with JC because I don't post like he does and you bloody well know it. Your problem with me is that I don't agree with you and your views, so be it, I could care less. You received your answers, that's for sure. Good luck with your marriage, you (or more specifically your husband) will need it. You won't run me off with your insults and insinuations, I plan on staying put and having my say whether you like it or not.
fltc Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 I've resigned myself to the fact that I will NEVER know WHY he's doing this. That's correct, now please re-read my post as to how to block his emails at the ISP server so they never reach your email client. If you need help you can reply or PM me, let me know what you're using for an email client and if you're on an enterprise server or ???
silktricks Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 I promise you, there is a way to deliver a definitive answer. The WS knows what it is. It is to stand eye to eye with the AP and say 'I never loved you, it was all a lie and I was following my c**k'. They can add they are sorry if they like. Good luck finding someone who will do that. The problem is that the WS thinks that will hurt too much. They will say to themselves that they care(d) about the person and don't want to hurt them, but the truth is that though they choose to walk away, they want to walk away with everyone feeling good about - you guessed it - them. So, if what it takes for you to believe that it's time to let go is for him to tell you that he never loved you - well, that's probably not going to occur. And really, what does it matter? What does it matter if he did love you or didn't? What matters is where he is and who he is with NOW. And when you look next to you and see that he is not there, that instead he is with his wife, then it's time for you to let go and get on with your life.
ladydesigner Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Good luck finding someone who will do that. The problem is that the WS thinks that will hurt too much. They will say to themselves that they care(d) about the person and don't want to hurt them, but the truth is that though they choose to walk away, they want to walk away with everyone feeling good about - you guessed it - them. So, if what it takes for you to believe that it's time to let go is for him to tell you that he never loved you - well, that's probably not going to occur. And really, what does it matter? What does it matter if he did love you or didn't? What matters is where he is and who he is with NOW. And when you look next to you and see that he is not there, that instead he is with his wife, then it's time for you to let go and get on with your life. True to the bold! It is exactly that which helped me let go of my XAP. As painful as it was to be rejected and know that fact, it is that which catapulted me out of thinking that way. Today I don't even know what I was thinking I must have been in such a fog. I am so embarrassed I ever laid eyes on my XAP.
What_Next Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 Today I don't even know what I was thinking I must have been in such a fog. I am so embarrassed I ever laid eyes on my XAP. You took the words right out of my mouth ladydesigner. I truly wish I never laid eyes on the person I carried out my revenge affair with. Utterly disgusting behavior on my part. I own it, I will atone for it as much as possible.
wheelwright Posted June 22, 2011 Posted June 22, 2011 Good luck finding someone who will do that. The problem is that the WS thinks that will hurt too much. They will say to themselves that they care(d) about the person and don't want to hurt them, but the truth is that though they choose to walk away, they want to walk away with everyone feeling good about - you guessed it - them. Hmmm silktricks. By heaven I think you've got it. And that's why they lie to the BS too. I guess by this that lying to the OW to be gentle and protect is understandable 'doh' type stuff, while same to BS is a heartbreaking barely forgivable misery. I understand the dice are loaded, but please, if BS deserves honesty, then so does OW. Like the heartbreak of knowing it was about his c**k if it was so. Like the heartbreak of knowing he had fallen for another if it was so. On a brighter note, anyone done their Christmas list? (sorry that was facetious - oh well. )
NoIDidn't Posted June 23, 2011 Posted June 23, 2011 Hmmm silktricks. By heaven I think you've got it. And that's why they lie to the BS too. I guess by this that lying to the OW to be gentle and protect is understandable 'doh' type stuff, while same to BS is a heartbreaking barely forgivable misery. I understand the dice are loaded, but please, if BS deserves honesty, then so does OW. Like the heartbreak of knowing it was about his c**k if it was so. Like the heartbreak of knowing he had fallen for another if it was so. On a brighter note, anyone done their Christmas list? (sorry that was facetious - oh well. ) I don't get why you won't accept that he's not willing to be rude to you? What are you really going to say to him if he does, in fact, say that you were just a good lay and that he never loved you? Are you going to then question him about everything that he ever said to you? Are you going to threaten his W with what you think you know since he was so rude and direct, just like you demanded? I really think you are just setting the guy up. You don't need to hear anything from his mouth, because it doesn't sound like you are going to believe him either way. It would still be that he is somehow under his W's influence. Where he is now is the only thing that I think is important. Love isn't the end all that its made out to be.
Recommended Posts