Mr.Harris Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I work in the technology field as well. Because our emails are set the way they are I can't block him - Besides that I'd have to know every single email address he has in order to block. (Yes over time there have been different email addresses that he's emailed from) I get why you think my husband should handle this. If you would have read my other posts regarding this situation - He isn't interested in handling it. His opinion every time that I've mentioned this is to just ignore him & It'll (he'll) go away. So that's what I continue to do. HE (XOM) can stay in the same place he was however many years ago - WE'RE MOVING ON. You keep trying to make up excuses to keep this thing going. If you honestly wanted him out of your life you would've done so. If your husband isn't so interested why mention that fact now when questioned about telling him you're still in touch with your "former" AP? Don't worry I already know.
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 You keep trying to make up excuses to keep this thing going. If you honestly wanted him out of your life you would've done so. :confused:Does that mean I should have contact with him so that I can make it crystal clear to him that I'm not interested in any form of communication from him? If your husband isn't so interested why mention that fact now when questioned about telling him you're still in touch with your "former" AP? Don't worry I already know. Wrong again! I mention it now because I was asked/told I should tell my husband. Just sayin..........I have. He knows. What Next - We won't agree & that's perfectly fine. I am not in contact with the XOM.My husband isn't interested in having any kind of communication or contact with him either. Plain & simple as that.
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 This is getting away from my question & hoping that someone that's done this would come forward. Why continue to contact someone that is OBVIOUSLY not interested in any form of communication with you? Is it the general consensus that TOTAL CLOSURE (however that is) is the best way to get someone 100% out of your life. Forever. For good?
What_Next Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Why continue to contact someone that is OBVIOUSLY not interested in any form of communication with you? You've been given this answer, because he wants him some sex. He got it the first time around, why not go for it again. You seem to not want to hear that answer though. Is it the general consensus that TOTAL CLOSURE (however that is) is the best way to get someone 100% out of your life. Forever. For good? Isn't that common sense? Of course TOTAL CLOSURE is the only way to really put it behind you. Make it ABSOLUTELY clear to the affair partner that the affair partner that the affair is OVER and in my opinion do so with the involvment of your spouse, but of course "he doesn't want to deal with it". Oh boy... Not sure how this aspect could be ambiguous really.
What_Next Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I am not in contact with the XOM Oh for the record, in my opinion YES YOU ARE in contact with the XOM, because you are not taking action to prevent this contact and are hiding the contact. It doesn't matter that you have not actively responded to the emails. Splitting hairs, I don't think so. Sorry to be a thorn in your side CIK but I am calling it as I see it. I personally don't believe you to be an honest person in terms of your marriage based on what I've seen from you. This isn't meant to be a personal attack, just an observation. You can wrap up your behavior in whatever you like, but on the facts that is what I see. There is a clearly defined path which would lead to blocking ANY and ALL communication from this person, you choose not to take it. The question I'd have is why. Or rather if I was your husband I would, but I'm not, so the answer is of no concern to me. I do wish you good luck, but you seem to be almost dictating the responses you would like and my dear that's not realistic on a board such a this. Pose a question like you have and you can expect the replies like you have received.
StoneCold Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Yea so as long as no sex was involved, it's completely fine to stay in contact with her. sure why not....whats your point????
ladydesigner Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 (edited) I'm looking for answers to a couple of questions - I guess I'd like to hear from those that were in an affair, it's now over & where both parties were married to someone else. When the affair was over - Did you go NC without any form of a conversation or closure (cold turkey)? .....or....did you sit down & have a conversation about how the affair was OVER, there'd be no more contact etc.? WHY when an affair is over & there has been a very long time of NC would an XAP still randomly try to contact you either thru email, phone,yadda yadda yadda? When the A ended (XOM ended it), XOM wanted to remain friends. My first reaction to that was no way in hell, yet we remained LC for a year. It was at that point that I realized it was doing me a disservice as well as my marriage. I declared NC in an email letting him know I did not wish to have any form of contact with him anymore. He did contact me after the NC email and then again on a social networking site. It's been cold-turkey ever since. Neither of us has had contact in 2 years. WHY when an affair is over & there has been a very long time of NC would an XAP still randomly try to contact you either thru email, phone,yadda yadda yadda? I feel an XAP randomly contacts out of curiosity, or maybe they are thinking of you again/missing you wanting that ego feed or start to an affair again. I am very lucky my XOM has gone silent. If he were to contact I have no doubt in my mind that I would not answer. All avenues of connection have been blocked as well. Edited June 14, 2011 by ladydesigner
StoneCold Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Why continue to contact someone that is OBVIOUSLY not interested in any form of communication with you?? Only he would know why.....it may be for the sex; but it may be something else. If you care to find out...ask him...if not, just politely tell him you are through and continue ignoring him...he'll get the picture. Is it the general consensus that TOTAL CLOSURE (however that is) is the best way to get someone 100% out of your life. Forever. For good? Total Closure is the best way to get to the good place you want to be.....whether that means erasing a certain person or simply transforming your relationship into something else
What_Next Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 If he were to contact I have no doubt in my mind that I would not answer. A question for you ladydesigner, would you inform your husband? Good for you in terms of the actions you have taken to prevent that communication. Well done. It is refreshing to read a post from a straight shooter such as yourself.
NoIDidn't Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 My ex and I started an EA a long time ago. He always called before his marital status changed, or when it was changing. This most recent time he's gotten divorced he didn't call because he knows there is no chance in Hell that I will engage him this time. He seemed to thrive on the knowledge that I still loved him. I got tired of the bottomless needy pit that he was and gently told him I didn't love him anymore, only thought that I once did. That ended it for him because I was no longer suitable for his narcissistic supply. That's why your ex keeps contacting you. He knows that you were once his supply. It doesn't have to be communicated to him that you are no longer willing to be that. Just ignore the emails. Even deleted them before reading them. Risky sometimes, but worth it. When they contact us like that, its for a quick fix, not because we actually meant more to them than how we made them feel.
ladydesigner Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 A question for you ladydesigner, would you inform your husband? Good for you in terms of the actions you have taken to prevent that communication. Well done. It is refreshing to read a post from a straight shooter such as yourself. I am currently in IC working through infidelity issues especially whether to disclose or not. I have chosen not to and my IC does not feel it is right for each situation. I know it is viewed poorly around here. I honestly am not sure what I plan on doing. I do want my M to survive and the kids to have both their parents together. I feel it would be a HUGE setback if not marriage killer and I know I am at fault for that.
What_Next Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 ladydesigner I see. It's not the intent of this thread to get into your story so I won't. Suffice to say I cannot say I am surprised that your IC has advised against disclosure. Bloody therapists, what a croc of ____. Anyway, this is a dis-service to CIK to get into this, sorry about that.
dale_gribble Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Stonecold- Dude you can't be "friends" with affair person, no matter how cordial you might be. These are bounderies that must be set in order to move forward. This is a total disrespect to betrayed spouses involved. You're just minimalizing the "thing." Total lack of respect for BS.
StoneCold Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Stonecold- Dude you can't be "friends" with affair person, no matter how cordial you might be. These are bounderies that must be set in order to move forward. This is a total disrespect to betrayed spouses involved. You're just minimalizing the "thing." Total lack of respect for BS. Dale... 1) Yes you can...I'm doing it 2) How is this all of a sudden a slap in the face? You cheated on them initially but now remaining friends after the fact is a disrespect? You lost me there I'm not saying you have to be friendly but not being friendly on a go forward basis doesnt undo what was done... Only time I can see it is if you got caught or came clean and are trying to repair the marriage
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Dale... 1) Yes you can...I'm doing it 2) How is this all of a sudden a slap in the face? You cheated on them initially but now remaining friends after the fact is a disrespect? You lost me there I'm not saying you have to be friendly but not being friendly on a go forward basis doesnt undo what was done... Only time I can see it is if you got caught or came clean and are trying to repair the marriage Stone - This is what I have believed as well. (Bolded) At one point this person was very important to you. In my situation - he is no longer important to me. I no longer love him. I care about his wellbeing on a humanitarian level. That's about it. IF we could have been friends we still would be - I considered him a friend before the A. HE (XOM) Made it impossible to be friends with him after the fact. WhatNext - I'm still not sure how you consider the XOM contacting me & my not responding....as WE ARE STILL IN CONTACT. Makes no sense. I'm sorry that you can't seem to wrap your head around the fact that my husband has no interest in this other guy (neither do I) There's no need to engage in anything ugly or confrontational. My opnion & that of my husbands
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Lady I think you're making the right decision with going on what your counselor tells you to do in this situation. I know that many BS disagree with you. Baby steps & doing what's right in YOUR situation is the most important.
fltc Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Oh for the record, in my opinion YES YOU ARE in contact with the XOM, because you are not taking action to prevent this contact and are hiding the contact. It doesn't matter that you have not actively responded to the emails. I have to disagree, the OP said, "NO I can't change my email at work. Even if I did - in my line of work my email address is on a public website. YES he is marked to go to my JUNK folder. But so are a lot of other emails so I do have to check it a few times a month." In light of the above, I believe the OP had done all that most folks would do to avoid contact. To the OP: I suspect you might be using MS Outlook for email, if so, you can select to have that specific email moved to the discarded items folder rather than to the Junk folder, you can also go to your ISP's webmail site and block his email address or have the system administrator do so. You can do the same with other email clients if you're using something other than Outlook.
StoneCold Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 In my situation - he is no longer important to me. I no longer love him. I care about his wellbeing on a humanitarian level. That's about it. IF we could have been friends we still would be - I considered him a friend before the A. HE (XOM) Made it impossible to be friends with him after the fact. Then you cant be friends... makes sense
What_Next Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 WhatNext - I'm still not sure how you consider the XOM contacting me & my not responding....as WE ARE STILL IN CONTACT. Makes no sense. I'm sorry that you can't seem to wrap your head around the fact that my husband has no interest in this other guy (neither do I) There's no need to engage in anything ugly or confrontational. My opnion & that of my husbands You can disagree all you like, that is my opinion and I stick by it. If you had in fact done everything in your power to ensure no further communication between you and your affair partner then I could side with you. The fact is YOU HAVEN'T. Period. You see no issue with ongoing inbound emails from your affair partner, as I had posted previously I'd have to wonder why. Given your past behavior I suspect I know that answer, but that is between you and your husband, not me. You have your opinion, I have mine. I am not engaging in anything ugly nor confrontational with you. I am simply disagreeing with you and stating my case, as is my right to do within the rules as set forth by the moderators of this forum. The fact that you do not agree is not of my concern. You can continue your well defined pattern of posting in terms of your thoughts and opinions and I'll do the same, works for me. As for ladydesigner (not to continue to threadjack...) I cannot comment and in fact I won't about the specifics because I just am not aware of them. I certainly wouldn't support continued dishonesty as you do CIK, but as I had said I just don't know the specifics, perhaps you do and that's why you made your statement and if that is the case I am in error.
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 WhatNext - While we will never see eye to eye on many (or any) thing I do respect the way that you state your case & opinion. You're not harsh. You're not mean. You merely put your opinion out there. That's all we can do on forums like this. State our opinion based on our own experiences. I oftentimes argue the points because (like many here) I feel it necessary to state my situation the best way I can when confronted on issues that I think are being taken out of context.
Mr.Harris Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 sure why not....whats your point???? Sure it's fine to keep continuing to have an A.
What_Next Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 CIK, I actually agree with you on that post :bunny:. I try and keep a sense of humour about these issues sometimes become emotions can be very raw. I tried not to take anything out of context in this case, only to read and interpret as I have. As you said, though while we might not agree, I also understand you have every right to state your case. This thread has exposed some interesting topics and discussion points and I suspect it will continue to.
Mr.Harris Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Stone - This is what I have believed as well. (Bolded) At one point this person was very important to you. No they're not important. That's infatuation. In my situation - he is no longer important to me. I no longer love him. I care about his wellbeing on a humanitarian level. That's about it. It was never love in the first place. And you saying you care about him is the reason why you keep letting him contact you. IF we could have been friends we still would be - I considered him a friend before the A. HE (XOM) Made it impossible to be friends with him after the fact. If he made it impossible to be friends with him after the booty then why say you believe you could still be friends with him. You're the only one keeping this thing going, ma'am. WhatNext - I'm still not sure how you consider the XOM contacting me & my not responding....as WE ARE STILL IN CONTACT. Makes no sense. I'm sorry that you can't seem to wrap your head around the fact that my husband has no interest in this other guy (neither do I) There's no need to engage in anything ugly or confrontational. My opnion & that of my husbands You're still in contact with him. Everyone who ended their affair and didn't want to be with their OM/OW has actually enforced NC (not that it means they're all of a sudden good people now). This affair is still going on if you keep letting him contact you and keeping this from your husband.
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Oh Mr. Harris. You are a funny one. If I'm not mistaken, you really can't make anyone do something they don't want to do. SO if this guy wants to continue contacting me there's really nothing I can do about it. For the record. I have changed my cell phone number. I have deleted an email address that we used to communicate on. Hell, I've even moved THREE TIMES What I can't change is.......He knows where I work, My work phone number & email address are both public knowledge. Nothing I can do about that. I am respecting my husband's wishes on this. He has said to just let it go & ignore him. I am. Always have. From the first email. My Sagittarius personality is constantly going to want to know the Why's Of The World. It's just who I am. Which is why I don't let his emails upset me anymore. This thread wasn't started because I was frazzled by him. It was started because I was hoping someone that had contacted an ex would tell me their reason why.
StoneCold Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Sure it's fine to keep continuing to have an A. Prove that from that point on its still an A
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