confusedinkansas Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I'm looking for answers to a couple of questions - I guess I'd like to hear from those that were in an affair, it's now over & where both parties were married to someone else. When the affair was over - Did you go NC without any form of a conversation or closure (cold turkey)? .....or....did you sit down & have a conversation about how the affair was OVER, there'd be no more contact etc.? WHY when an affair is over & there has been a very long time of NC would an XAP still randomly try to contact you either thru email, phone,yadda yadda yadda?
TigerCub Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 How long is "a long time of NC"? I haven't been in that exact situation you're asking about, but I would guess that the xAP that's calling again is calling because nothing has really changed on their end and they want to start the A again. That's just my guess - but the kind of depends on how long is "a long time".
Mr.Harris Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 WHY when an affair is over & there has been a very long time of NC would an XAP still randomly try to contact you either thru email, phone,yadda yadda yadda? Because you keep letting him contact you. Obviously he's been hitting you up again. And I take it your husband has no knowledge of this continued contact between you and OM?
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 (edited) A long time = It's been more than 3 years since I've actually seen him. Longer than that since the affair. Because you keep letting him contact you. Obviously he's been hitting you up again. And I take it your husband has no knowledge of this continued contact between you and OM? Thank you for your concern but there is no contact between me & the XOM. BETWEEN would mean that I have answered all his emails or answered phone calls. Which I have not. I don't even read them so I don't have a clue what their content is. I asked the question - for an answer (or a few) WHY would someone do this? Edited June 14, 2011 by confusedinkansas
What_Next Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 CIK first and foremost I personally think that if your AP is contacting you, that you need to turn over any and all communication to your husband and have him deal with it. That's my opinion. If you do not you are continuing to deceive your husband, and that is odd considering you have professed to have a near perfect marriage now. Now to answer your query, why else would a former affair partner contact the person they conducted the affair with, if not to try and re-kindle the affair? I see no other reason. In my case my wife's affair partner was not married, neither was the person I conducted the revenge affair with. Both were cut off with a one way communication from us to the people in question.
Mr.Harris Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 A long time = It's been more than 3 years since I've actually seen him. Longer than that since the affair. Yet you keep letting him contact you. Clearly he loved his time with you. Thank you for your concern but there is no contact between me & the XOM. Then why ask this question out of the blue? You asked the same question a few months ago and as it turned out, you were still in touch with him, as you are now. BETWEEN would mean that I have answered all his emails or answered phone calls. Which I have not. I don't even read them so I don't have a clue what their content is. Yet you still allow his emails to be sent to you. I asked the question - for an answer (or a few) WHY would someone do this? You already know why they would contact you and you know what you can do to stop it.
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Is there anyone out there that can actually answer the question? OR that has been in this situation? OR has been the XAP that has tried to re-connect? Why did you do it? What changed in your specific situation at home that made you want to contact your XAP? After a long time has passed. To stop the unwanted questioning. NO I can't change my email at work. Even if I did - in my line of work my email address is on a public website. YES he is marked to go to my JUNK folder. But so are a lot of other emails so I do have to check it a few times a month. NO there is no two sided contact. NO I don't want to start things up with him again. I have 0 desire to even engage in emails with him let alone anything else. I'm just trying to figure out why someone would HAVE THE NEED to do this - & hoping maybe there's someone that has done it & has an answer. Since I didn't get an answer before...........That's all. No deep dark hidden meaning.
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 CIK first and foremost I personally think that if your AP is contacting you, that you need to turn over any and all communication to your husband and have him deal with it. That's my opinion. If you do not you are continuing to deceive your husband, and that is odd considering you have professed to have a near perfect marriage now. Now to answer your query, why else would a former affair partner contact the person they conducted the affair with, if not to try and re-kindle the affair? I see no other reason. In my case my wife's affair partner was not married, neither was the person I conducted the revenge affair with. Both were cut off with a one way communication from us to the people in question. You may be right about turning over the emails to my husband.......Except as I have said. I don't even read them. They're immediately deleted & then deleted permanently from my folder. I have no reason to keep them. Perhaps he does want to rekindle the affair. I personally (at this point) think it's SICK. He's not married anymore, he has a girlfriend (or did 3 years ago last time we spoke) I just keep shaking my head to myself. I'm at a WAY different place than I was all those years ago. I definitely don't get it.
Mr.Harris Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Is there anyone out there that can actually answer the question? You have your answers. Even Tiger answered for you. OR that has been in this situation? You already know that information. OR has been the XAP that has tried to re-connect? You already know that information. Why did you do it? What changed in your specific situation at home that made you want to contact your XAP? After a long time has passed. You already know that information. You know what to do already. To stop the unwanted questioning. NO I can't change my email at work. Even if I did - in my line of work my email address is on a public website. YES he is marked to go to my JUNK folder. But so are a lot of other emails so I do have to check it a few times a month. NO there is no two sided contact. NO I don't want to start things up with him again. I have 0 desire to even engage in emails with him let alone anything else. Then you should've never used your email at work to contact him. Work is for work and pleasure is for home. But it seems you and pleasure got a little tangled up. You can still block him if you actually wanted to. I'm just trying to figure out why someone would HAVE THE NEED to do this - & hoping maybe there's someone that has done it & has an answer. Since I didn't get an answer before...........That's all. No deep dark hidden meaning. We all know why it happens. How you choose to handle that information determines which side of the field you're on.
Mr.Harris Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 You may be right about turning over the emails to my husband.......Except as I have said. I don't even read them. They're immediately deleted & then deleted permanently from my folder. I have no reason to keep them. There's no maybe about it. He has the right to know that you and "former" AP are still in contact with one another. But from what you wrote it seems you're not going to tell him are you? Perhaps he does want to rekindle the affair. I personally (at this point) think it's SICK. He's not married anymore, he has a girlfriend (or did 3 years ago last time we spoke) I just keep shaking my head to myself. I'm at a WAY different place than I was all those years ago. I definitely don't get it. But you still let him contact you. If you really wanted to end it, you would have by now.
TigerCub Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 CIK, my question is not in any way to antagonize you...but: Why do you care what his motives are? You have those emails in your Junk Folder, if you really wanted to know, you could read them - but you're not because you chose to close that chapter and move on in your M. So lets say he joined some kind of 12 step program and wants to make amends and say he's sorry for his part in the A Lets say he wants to rekindle everything (the more likely possibility here) Lets say he's moving away and wants to say goodbye who really cares? Its done and you're even disgusted by the idea that he might want to rekindle things, you're NOT reading his emails, so why do his motives matter? I say, either read the emails, or just tell yourself to stop questioning.
StoneCold Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 (edited) Is there anyone out there that can actually answer the question? OR that has been in this situation? OR has been the XAP that has tried to re-connect? Why did you do it? What changed in your specific situation at home that made you want to contact your XAP? After a long time has passed. Here goes... we didnt have a discussion per se...just went NC BUT we are still friendly.....just stopped doing things Why? I just wanted sex and I could tell she was starting to want more. I have no problems being friendly as I have nothing against her; I just didnt want to go to that level Edited June 14, 2011 by StoneCold
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 CIK, my question is not in any way to antagonize you...but: Why do you care what his motives are? You have those emails in your Junk Folder, if you really wanted to know, you could read them - but you're not because you chose to close that chapter and move on in your M. So lets say he joined some kind of 12 step program and wants to make amends and say he's sorry for his part in the A Lets say he wants to rekindle everything (the more likely possibility here) Lets say he's moving away and wants to say goodbye who really cares? Its done and you're even disgusted by the idea that he might want to rekindle things, you're NOT reading his emails, so why do his motives matter? I say, either read the emails, or just tell yourself to stop questioning. Well he's nuts-o if he thinks I'm going back there & rekindling this again. The first part of my question though - Should there have been closure? Do people that have been in this situation that have had specific closure, move on quicker? I personally don't need any closure. Knowing how he is I wouldn't have gotten it anyway. My life moving forward is all the closure I need with this situation. I think that you're right though Tiger. I really don't so much care what HIS motives are. I'm more questioning .... Why antagonize/email, etc the person that no longer wants to see you? I look at it like a hangnail. A mere annoyance.....a burp in a normal day..... Delete & move on. (Which is what I've been doing.....I'll just keep doing it)
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Here goes... we didnt have a discussion per se...just went NC BUT we are still friendly.....just stopped doing things Why? I just wanted sex and I could tell she was starting to want more. I have no problems being friendly as I have nothing against her; I just didnt want to go to that level By friendly do you mean you still see her (but no sex) you still email or call her?
StoneCold Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 By friendly do you mean you still see her (but no sex) you still email or call her? by friendly meaning if she has a question about something or needed my advice she will ask and I will answer... If I saw her outside I would say Hi and she likely would too
Mr.Harris Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Here goes... we didnt have a discussion per se...just went NC BUT we are still friendly.....just stopped doing things Why? I just wanted sex and I could tell she was starting to want more. I have no problems being friendly as I have nothing against her; I just didnt want to go to that level Yea so as long as no sex was involved, it's completely fine to stay in contact with her.
TigerCub Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Well he's nuts-o if he thinks I'm going back there & rekindling this again. The first part of my question though - Should there have been closure? Do people that have been in this situation that have had specific closure, move on quicker? I personally don't need any closure. Knowing how he is I wouldn't have gotten it anyway. My life moving forward is all the closure I need with this situation. I think that you're right though Tiger. I really don't so much care what HIS motives are. I'm more questioning .... Why antagonize/email, etc the person that no longer wants to see you? I look at it like a hangnail. A mere annoyance.....a burp in a normal day..... Delete & move on. (Which is what I've been doing.....I'll just keep doing it) To answer the closure question: I wrote xMM a long email saying all I needed to get off my chest. I actually asked him not to reply because that was the last he was going to hear from me. Since then xMM sent me an email (and like you - its at work, so can't be blocked, but I just deleted it) and then he sent me a few other (spam emails that mention his name) - I laughed and deleted those too I got my closure on my terms and I've moved on happily. I don't wonder why he sends me emails, I just delete them. I know that he's pissed because once he was "the most amazing guy" in my eyes, and now he's just an annoyance that I delete. He's just a guy that if I see walking in the halls I walk right past (as if he was a complete stranger to me). I wasn't in a relationship when I was involved with xMM - but now I am and its more important than ever to just keep deleting him out of my life. I don't wonder if he's still with his gf, I don't care if he's got other OW, I don't care why he emails me (the few times that he does) I'm in a really good place, I'm very happy and I've moved past this. It sounds like you did too - so yeah, screw his motives, just keep moving forward
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Thanks Tiger.....See......Someone like me
What_Next Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 CIK, I'll say if I am wrong then fine, but honestly if you wanted to BLOCK his emails it would be easy. I work in the technology field and if you wanted to have an email BLOCKED entirely before it even reaches your inbox it is easy. Perhaps there is a little bit of you that doesn't want to do this? Saying that your email address is public etc is a cop out and you bloody well know it. People change email addresses, phone numbers etc all the time for a variety of reasons. I STRONGLY believe that if you don't immeadiately hand this information over to your husband then you are being dishonest. I know you don't necessarily see this as answering your question, but I believe I did answer one of your questions. If I were in your husbands shoes I would very much demand that any and all communication between you and your affair partner be handed over to me for ME to deal with. Whether you return the email or not is immaterial. You know what he wants, a booty call my dear. Sorry to be crude, but that is what it is. Hand over the emails, let your husband put this to rest and get on with your "near perfect marriage" . You can call this reading between the lines or whatever you like, it is simply my opinion.
What_Next Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Since then xMM sent me an email (and like you - its at work, so can't be blocked, but I just deleted it) Umm yes YOU CAN have them blocked. Quite easily in fact.
TigerCub Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Umm yes YOU CAN have them blocked. Quite easily in fact. How can I have him blocked if we both work for the gov't, but different departments. Do you know that one - if so...do tell...
What_Next Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 It is a simple process tigercub, that would involve the IT department. I have personally done so as part of my duties as both a consultant and an employee. You can however if you use Microsoft Outlook create a rule which will dump the email completely. That would obviously not require any outside involvement.
Author confusedinkansas Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 I work in the technology field as well. Because our emails are set the way they are I can't block him - Besides that I'd have to know every single email address he has in order to block. (Yes over time there have been different email addresses that he's emailed from) I get why you think my husband should handle this. If you would have read my other posts regarding this situation - He isn't interested in handling it. His opinion every time that I've mentioned this is to just ignore him & It'll (he'll) go away. So that's what I continue to do. HE (XOM) can stay in the same place he was however many years ago - WE'RE MOVING ON.
What_Next Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 CIK, you seem to suggest I have not read your other posts regarding the situation. I have. I simply do not agree nor believe you. Sorry, but I do not. Unless you tell him then the deception continues and your insistnence that your marriage is healthy fails the laugh test in my opinion. Once again only my opinion. As for not being abe to block his emails because of the "way your emails are set", nonsense. If you work in the technology field then perhaps you aren't all that skilled (not meant to insult just a little ribbing)... Of course he could send from varying email addresses, but that could be dealt with as well. If your husband isn't interested in handling it as you put it then that is about the strangest set of circumstances I could imagine. Really from my perspective it is. If my wife's affair partner EVER (and I mean EVER) contacts her again, there will be HELL TO PAY for him. I mean that in the sincerest way. She knows to pass it along to me, because I WILL DEAL with it. Severely and swiftly. I personally cannot comprehend any man willingly allowing another man to approach his wife for the purposes of carrying on an affair and not being 100% willing to "deal with it". Rant I know, not directly intended to attack you, just my own slice of life as it were. As we have many times CIK you and I need to agree to disagree and leave it at that because our opinions are too central to our beliefs to change.
TigerCub Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 It is a simple process tigercub, that would involve the IT department. I have personally done so as part of my duties as both a consultant and an employee. You can however if you use Microsoft Outlook create a rule which will dump the email completely. That would obviously not require any outside involvement. Thanks for the tips. I didn't know outlook had rules. one of the options was "have server reply with a specific message" - haha "F**K YOU" would have been a good automated reply I kid, I kid. I did it, but I doubt that he's gonna write again anyways. Besides, I delete them anyways...anywhos...I learned somethin new today
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