Rooke Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 So I know it was vindictive, but it actually made me feel alot of comfort and I think he deserved it. I wrote a letter to his headteacher and told her the whole nine yards and that given what he is capable of he shouldn't be allowed to be in a position of responsibility, trust or authority because he is not to be trusted in any respect. They probably won't take it very seriously but at least his boss will always know what a low life scum bag he is!
Silly_Girl Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Very childish. What on earth was your motive? It wasn't guilt for his wife... Just to be nasty?
Author Rooke Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 The motive list is endless. But mainly because he is not to be trusted in any capacity and the idea that he is allowed to be a teacher is laughable. He is the most disgusting human being I've ever met. He deserved it, he has taken no responsibility and he needs to learn there are consequences and the fact that I want everyone to know what a scumball he is.
Only Gal Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 What did he do to you actually? Yes, love is not enough. Need alot more than just love.
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 So I know it was vindictive, but it actually made me feel alot of comfort and I think he deserved it. I wrote a letter to his headteacher and told her the whole nine yards and that given what he is capable of he shouldn't be allowed to be in a position of responsibility, trust or authority because he is not to be trusted in any respect. They probably won't take it very seriously but at least his boss will always know what a low life scum bag he is! I wish you hadn't done that.. It's one thing to think about ruining his professional career and reputation, it's another to be the whistle blower and actually do it. Right now you feel okay about it, revenge and all .. The thing is one day you might regret messing with him this way. I completely understand you are hurt and feel betrayed, he is a liar and an azzhole, but that was the path you chose by having an affair with him. You chose to believe him or not believe him when he told you his wife was pregnant.. This isn't/wasn't one sided! It also isn't up to you to decide HIS consquences for his choices in having an affair with you and what happens after it ends.. Did you sign the letter as his previous OW or make it unknown/annonymous? Basically if this had turned out in your favour, this man you are trying to ruin now, would have been your possible husband if he had left his wife, right? So now because of what happened, he's the devil and has to have his life ruined professionally? If he finds out it's you, he *could* try to sue you for liable and slander. Or he could come after you on a personal level as well and try to ruin your life/professional life too.
Breezy Trousers Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 (edited) So I know it was vindictive, but it actually made me feel alot of comfort and I think he deserved it. I wrote a letter to his headteacher and told her the whole nine yards and that given what he is capable of he shouldn't be allowed to be in a position of responsibility, trust or authority because he is not to be trusted in any respect. They probably won't take it very seriously but at least his boss will always know what a low life scum bag he is! Rooke, I'm unfamiliar with your story. Was he your teacher and did he cross professional boundaries? If so, I support your action, though I don't support the intention behind the action (vindictiveness). I don't give a hoot about your MM, but vindictiveness will never serve you in the end. Hate will keep you nailed to MM. Having said that, sometimes anger is usually a necessary emotion to transition from point A to point B. Ideally, I think that people who cross professional boundaries -- therapists with clients, teachers with students, bosses with employees -- should be held accountable. Once they are successful targeting one subordinate, they often move on to targeting another, and it becomes an underground cycle. It's never an equal relationship due to the power imbalance, which is part of its appeal for the one in power. This is why institutions must take this seriously. One person's misuse of power can cost the entire company or institution if enough people join together. If you're going to do this, then do it by notarized affidavit and send the thing by certified mail. In other words, do it right. We do have responsibility for our role in that dynamic, but the standards should be held higher for those in power because an abuse of power never affects them but those they target. Not just my opinion. Laws and ethics were created in recognition of that fact. If I'm misunderstanding your situation, my apologies. Edited June 14, 2011 by Breezy Trousers
MissBee Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I wish you hadn't done that.. It's one thing to think about ruining his professional career and reputation, it's another to be the whistle blower and actually do it. Right now you feel okay about it, revenge and all .. The thing is one day you might regret messing with him this way. I completely understand you are hurt and feel betrayed, he is a liar and an azzhole, but that was the path you chose by having an affair with him. You chose to believe him or not believe him when he told you his wife was pregnant.. This isn't/wasn't one sided! It also isn't up to you to decide HIS consquences for his choices in having an affair with you and what happens after it ends.. Did you sign the letter as his previous OW or make it unknown/annonymous? Basically if this had turned out in your favour, this man you are trying to ruin now, would have been your possible husband if he had left his wife, right? So now because of what happened, he's the devil and has to have his life ruined professionally? If he finds out it's you, he *could* try to sue you for liable and slander. Or he could come after you on a personal level as well and try to ruin your life/professional life too. I agree... Revenge is a dish best served cold, as usually acts like this either end up making you look crazy and shines you more in a bad light than the person you're trying to "teach a lesson" to. The best revenge is really moving on with your life and letting the Universe correct itself as usually taking matters into your own hands just makes a mess of everything. It never usually comes off as strong and confident but always either crazy, obsessed, vindictive, pathetic etc which is really the LAST thing you want your ex to be able to say about you...going around shaking his head and telling everyone with PROOF that you are some crazy person or he is so great hence your obsession with him. But what's done is done so hopefully the comfort lasts...but I'd not do something like that again, if God forbid, someone else hurts you. Trust, it is not worth it and often when the high of it all wears off you end up feeling very foolish.
Breezy Trousers Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Well, he was pretty ugly to you so if his deceptive behavior comes to light, then so be it. I wouldn't normally condone that because in most cases it's an A that doesn't work out. Both parties enter into it with eyes open. But your MM went the extra mile in turning your life upside down with empty promises and lies so I can't say I blame you for feeling a bit vindictive. Yeah, if it was consensual, it will weaken your argument. Still, where there's smoke, there's fire. The institution should know --- assuming you were his student. Otherwise, no. I was sexually harrassed by MM after I turned away from him. No PA, so no consent on my part. There are laws against this in the U.S. Still, I didn't pursue. He left me alone after a while, and that's all I wanted.
Author Rooke Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 I don't wish to explain the story again, it's too painful, but as sadintexas quite rightly put it, it's one thing to have an A and it ends and you walk away feeling burned but basically ok, you knew what you were getting in to. This man took it to an extreme beyond what is normal, but no he was not my teacher. You can only sue someone for libel or slander if what you say is not true. Everything I said is the truth and I have the proof.
Breezy Trousers Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I agree... Revenge is a dish best served cold, as usually acts like this either end up making you look crazy and shines you more in a bad light than the person you're trying to "teach a lesson" to. The best revenge is really moving on with your life and letting the Universe correct itself as usually taking matters into your own hands just makes a mess of everything. It never usually comes off as strong and confident but always either crazy, obsessed, vindictive, pathetic etc which is really the LAST thing you want your ex to be able to say about you...going around shaking his head and telling everyone with PROOF that you are some crazy person or he is so great hence your obsession with him. But what's done is done so hopefully the comfort lasts...but I'd not do something like that again, if God forbid, someone else hurts you. Trust, it is not worth it and often when the high of it all wears off you end up feeling very foolish. Then I agree with Miss Bee here. I'm sorry you're hurting, Rook. I just don't think this action is going to make you feel better in the end.
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Did you sign your name? I say if you're going to go all out and ruin his life, might as well own up to your part in this revenge, bring him down plan. Either way, I'm sure he's going to know it's you. Just something to consider but how are you going to feel if he comes after you, tells everybody or your boss that you willingly had an affair with him knowing that he was married? I know he did a number on you, it's a chance anybody takes when getting involved in an affair ,things can turn nasty.. but just like in any other relationship, things end and it gets nasty.. People can become azzholes! Doesn't mean you (general you) go try to ruin their life and career. You have to live with this, but just know that now because you want him to suffer consquences, he may feel he wants YOU to suffer consquences for trying to get him fired, ruin his reputation.. Sorry you're hurting and I hope you seek some counseling to help you cope and let go of him.
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Sorry dear but I do not agree. Although I talk about revenge I actually never do it. In the end I believe in karma and if he really is the scumbag you say he is you don't need to do a thing it will all be taking care of naturally. I understand the feelings behind it but think it would of been nicer if you would of just done something great for yourself instead. Like book your self a quick getaway Perfect idea. Instead of hanging onto the revenge train, pamper yourself and get out of the mindset of messing with him. Focussing on you and your healing, getting help and being good to yourself has to happen now. No more revenge, k!
Silly_Girl Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I don't wish to explain the story again, it's too painful, but as sadintexas quite rightly put it, it's one thing to have an A and it ends and you walk away feeling burned but basically ok, you knew what you were getting in to. This man took it to an extreme beyond what is normal, but no he was not my teacher. You can only sue someone for libel or slander if what you say is not true. Everything I said is the truth and I have the proof. We make our choices. Sometimes it's bad for us sometimes it's not. If he was harassing you, this won't have helped things, there are other routes. If he's not then it's entirely uncalled for and I think you'll be lucky if he doesn't react badly. What a shame! You wrote threads about yourself, how you were being strong, your self-esteem etc. I think you've just set yourself back a way.
jsb58 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 The motive list is endless. But mainly because he is not to be trusted in any capacity and the idea that he is allowed to be a teacher is laughable. He is the most disgusting human being I've ever met. He deserved it, he has taken no responsibility and he needs to learn there are consequences and the fact that I want everyone to know what a scumball he is.Why didn't you tell BW then?
Author Rooke Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 I think after he blamed me for everything, he couldn't think much worse of me anyway and I would like to think I wrote the letter fairly objective, it wasn't emotional or erratic, it was simply the truth. I just don't think he should be allowed to be a teacher.
bentnotbroken Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Why didn't you tell BW then? Really. Why didn't she help the BW out by telling her. This is going to get even more ugly...very quickly.
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I think after he blamed me for everything, he couldn't think much worse of me anyway and I would like to think I wrote the letter fairly objective, it wasn't emotional or erratic, it was simply the truth. I just don't think he should be allowed to be a teacher. Rooke, it isn't up to you to decide if he should or shouldn't be teacher. Yes, he is was flippin A-hole to you, but deciding his consquences and fate is not your responsibility or place to do.
jsb58 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I think after he blamed me for everything, he couldn't think much worse of me anyway and I would like to think I wrote the letter fairly objective, it wasn't emotional or erratic, it was simply the truth. I just don't think he should be allowed to be a teacher. You posted that he shouldn't be trusted in any capacity. Shouldn't BW know that the father of her child shouldn't be trusted in any capacity? Don't be a hypocrite. Don't hide behind what you did. Tell the BW too.
Author Rooke Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 I didn't know he was married when we first got together. The moment he chose to tell me he was married was just after my Dad died. Yes I did sign my name, I expect to take responsibility and I want him to know it was me. I haven't even had so much as an apology from him.
jsb58 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Rooke, it isn't up to you to decide if he should or shouldn't be teacher. Yes, he is was flippin A-hole to you, but deciding his consquences and fate is not your responsibility or place to do.It's telling she has decided upon his consequences professionally but she doesn't want to face the consequences herself by telling BW.
Author Rooke Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 It's telling she has decided upon his consequences professionally but she doesn't want to face the consequences herself by telling BW. If you'd given me a chance to answer the bloody question. How am I supposed to tell her when I don't know where he lives? Her name, where she works or anything else?! He said he'd told her but I doubt that's true. So no it's not 'telling' at all.
TigerCub Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 It's telling she has decided upon his consequences professionally but she doesn't want to face the consequences herself by telling BW. I'm not sure but... I think after he blamed me for everything, he couldn't think much worse of me anyway and I would like to think I wrote the letter fairly objective, it wasn't emotional or erratic, it was simply the truth. I just don't think he should be allowed to be a teacher. I'm guessing he blamed everything on her to the BW - would the BW believe anything Rooke had to say now? ....Never mind I totally guessed wrong I'm not ashamed to admit it
donnamaybe Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Rooke, it isn't up to you to decide if he should or shouldn't be teacher. Yes, he is was flippin A-hole to you, but deciding his consquences and fate is not your responsibility or place to do. No, it's not her place, nor does she have that power, so I don't know why this was posted. So she provided information to the people WITH that power. Whether she was right in doing so or not, the issue is now in the hands of those he works for. If they now deem him unfit to be in a position of trust and authority over minors, perhaps she did the right thing. Maybe not with the right motives...
Circular Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Firstly, I'm a bit confused about how his work life has anything to do with your A. Did he somehow use his profession to get into the A with you? From everything I read here the answer is no. If the school reads it objectively they'll see that it's some crazy rant, have their attorney review it, recognize that it opens them to ZERO liability and will most likely throw it in the trash. That's how the real world works in almost every form of business. So, then why did you do it? Because you think he's unfit to be a teacher? No, I don't think that's really what it is. I think you're extremely hurt, angry, and harboring a ton of emotions towards the situation, understandable because he supposedly through you under the bus (I say supposedly because you only have his word and no other evidence that the event occurred). Thing is, you should take all that anger and channel it into other things, projects, life, friends, family, hobbies, etc.... and go through IC. Stop focusing on him, because that's really what your letter says, that you're still absorbed with him, still focused on him, still in love with him, still want him; the vehicle, intent, and words mean nothing, it's the action that speaks which is that you're refusing to let go. Why give your pride and dignity up so readily? And, why escalate beyond his personal life? If you were so angry why not figure out where he lives and mail a letter to his wife. I think you might find this is going to get 100x more uglier before it gets better.
NoIDidn't Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 This is just more proof of the lack of boundaries suffered by many in affairs. I can understand the feelings of anger and that he shouldn't be around kids. But I don't understand destroying what's left of your own dignity by acting on it and thinking others might come to see it the way you do. Feeling better is not a good reason for doing something so foolish. I'm sure you already feel bad enough, OP, but please don't do something like this again. You just handed him yet ANOTHER reason to "blame it all on [you]". This time, one his employer can even verify.
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