Can the "no contact rule" backfire?

[TZ]

Without telling my long story, as I've posted it elsewhere, I just wanted to know from you all whether this 'no contact rule' could backfire. My bf broke up with me 10 nights ago, and I'm still in pain. Crying every day and feeling really depressed at the world in general. Not a lot of things matter anymore. I loved him.

 

Four days after the breakup, I get a blank email from him, with no subject, no text, no signature, no nothing. I didn't reply. If it wasn't sent by mistake, what do I make of it?

 

His 40th birthday was last week and I didn't call/email him. I wonder what he's thinking. Two days before the breakup I told him that I loved him and cared for him. We kissed and hugged and left on good terms. But two days later he breaks up with me.

 

He is generally a very sensitive person, and I wonder if he thinks that I'm insensitive for having forgotten his b'day. I don't want him to think that I'm too proud. I don't want him to have hard feelings towards me after the breakup. But I was just very upset still and felt that an email was too impersonal (subject: "Happy Birthday", end of message) and calling him would have been just too soon after the breakup. I wouldn't have known what to say and I wasn't prepared to go through another emotional turmoil depending on how the conversation went (as in "what did he mean by...?").

 

So, in essence, I wonder if the 'no contact rule' is really the best thing for me, is it really the best thing for the relationship? Is he thinking that I really don't want to talk to him? (I do.) I'm generally a forgiving person, but the breakup talk was an emotional disaster for me. Plus he was trying to sort out some other issues in his life, and I sensed an angry tone in his voice. I wonder if this was a final decision. I wonder if purposely not contacting him would harbor feelings of hate/anger toward me.

 

Lost and confused,

TZ

[dyermaker]

He, like all healthy adults, is the arbiter of his own feelings.

 

The NC rule never backfires. It could fail, as in your relationship is not rekindled, but even then, it helps you recover from the loss, by not making something of nothing.

[smsrunner1]

I've been wondering the same thing. My story is in a couple other threads on this site, so check it out if you wish. It wasn't a cut and dry break-up. It was long-distance. Basically, i got upset with her and told her through a voicemail that it was over unless there was a really good reason for her not calling me. Then she called back with a moderately decent reason, though not 100% excusable in my opinion. She kinda went along with the "breakup" that i had initiate (she gave ideas of how we could get each other's stuff back, etc.) I thought she was just afraid of getting hurt if she tried to "get me back" and that's why she went along with it. i forgave her quickly for what i was upset about, and told her i was sorry about the message and that i'm ok with what happened. But then she seemed to just move further and further away. A week later after me basically hounding her with gestures of love and even practically begging for her to "let's be us again", we had a serious conversation about our feelings, and i found out a TON, including that she isn't "in love" with me anymore, and that it was triggered by how upset i got with her. She said she couldn't understand how i could really love her and be able to get that upset with her.

 

Our last contact was wed early afternoon, but i keep wanting to email her. I don't even have any desire to call her cuz i don't want to deal with the awkwardness that would be possible... even probable. I just want to list off everything that I've learned (mostly from this sight) during the past few days, and that i'm using this time apart to figure myself out, better myself, etc. I guess I'm afraid that no-contact (held strictly) could backfire if she is waiting for me to get her back. How do i know she's not waiting for me while i'm waiting for her? How do I know that she isn't ready to try to work it out? Isn't it possible that she thinks that I'm the one that's not ready, and her proof is my discontinuing contact with her? I don't think i had gone a single day without at least leaving her a message by voicemail or email, if not actually talking to her. That is, until a few days ago. It's definitely obvious to her that I'm intentionally not contacting her. Could this be sending the wrong message? Could she be missing me, but not want to get hurt, so doesn't let me know? Lots of questions... Any comments? Advise? etc?

 

~Shaun

[hurtingandconfused]

Without reading your thread I also say :

The NC rule never backfires.

[TZ]

Your quote: "I guess I'm afraid that no-contact (held strictly) could backfire if she is waiting for me to get her back. (...) Could this be sending the wrong message?"

 

This is exactly how I feel. I don't want him to get used to the idea that I'm the walkaway type, that I'm willing to listen and give it a second chance. Is he waiting for me to initiate contact and by my not doing so, he feels that all is lost? This time, though, I feel it's final, since his last words to me were something like "I wish you the best in your life...". It was really painful, more than words can say, especially since we shared so much intimacy, for it to have to come to THIS. It's just surreal.

 

I still miss him dearly, and wish he could give us a second chance. He probably thinks that I'm taking the breakup way too seriously, by not contacting him at all since then. But I'm willing to put it all in the past and start anew, the question is how do I know that he is thinking/feeling the same thing? How do I let him know that I'm willing to forgive?

[Arabess]

They are telling you that they are in love with you....but yet can't leave their loveless sexless marriage? How romantic!! Why would you even worry about their feelings??? They didn't care about yours at Christmas when they had family plans.....they don't care on your birthday if their wife needs to go car shopping....they aren't there when you are sick....and if you had a family death...they can't make the funeral.

 

They are good for only one thing. Your sex life. If you are making anything more out of that...you are FOOLING yourself.

 

I'm not even close to being judgemental......I only want you to recognize the truth. Your situation isn't special or unique.....you are being as duped as the 100's before you.

 

Does it hurt? YOU BET! It hurts like hell. But today is as good as it ever will get. There is no happy end scenario. So, grab that hidden smile and text message......and wonder why your heart is dying.

 

Love is all about giving and receiving. NOT HIDING. If someone puts you in that position, they don't love you, they only love themselves. You are a part of what makes them feel validated. The problem is....they will NEVER EVER validate YOU because your feelings, needs, wants.....are secondary to theirs.

 

They are SCUM! The sooner you see it...the sooner you will be able to escape it. The longer you deny it....the longer you deny yourself the chance of finding TRUE love....not their retarded version of it.

[MarKus]

Yeah im wondering the same thing.....me and her are on a break for a while 3 months (together 3 years) most of my story is in time and space thread.

 

During the first week i contacted her lots....and in the next month and half we had brief contact.....but we have never had a no contact rule going on at all.

Anyway the last time i text her was 6 weeks ago.....because she text me saying "do u reckon we should meet up for a chat sometime" i said yes but got no responce...so i left it at that.

Anyway within the last 3 weeks she has text me 2 times....basically asking have i been up to much?.....and how i am?

 

I occasionally see her in town in the daytime on the weekend with her friend....but i dont say anything to her.....cos im usually far away.

 

But the otherday she had just finished work and she was stood with her friend.....in a bus shelter opposite me which faced the other way.....she waved and smiled at me.....but i didnt go over and talk to her....nor her me.

That night i get a call from a private number....i pick up and say hello....then it goes dead.....5 minutes later i get a text from her saying

 

"Alright howz u? U finally got a car then? im buying my mums car later in the year. U been up to much? i saw your mates the other day, hows molly your dog doing without gemma? Text back x

 

(Btw gemma is my other dog that died)

 

 

Ive ignored her recent attempts to contact me.....so does she think that i really dont want to talk to her....but thats not the case because i do want to reply cos i do care for her....mabye she's annoyed cos i havnt text her back....i dunno

 

I dont want this to backfire....do i continue what im doing?

[TZ]

In my case, his wife is in another country and, according to him, they haven't finalized who's going to move where yet. They were separated for 5 months before I met him and started dating. He said that it was she who separated from him.

 

I know he had feelings for me. He was ALWAYS available for me, as a friend, companion, lover. He wouldn't hesitate to do anything for me. So it wasn't just about sex, it went beyond that. He told me that our bond was special and we could both feel it.

 

I had no significant other for a while when he came into my life. Then, when I was with him, I realized how much nicer life could be when there's someone to share it with. Both the good and the bad times. He experienced the death of one of my parents and he was there for me throughout. I never had to ask for him to be around; he made himself available. This is what I cherished the most.

 

As well, during the good times, he was there too. Valentine's, his returning from a trip, etc. These were all times to celebrate--usually as a low-key event at home. Prepare dinner at home and enjoy with a glass of wine. We didn't make a fuss about staying at home; in fact, it was much more enjoyable than going out too often. We did hit the dancefloor a few times, dinners out, and movies. We went shopping together, car washing, renting movies--all the most mundane tasks, but we did it with gusto and happiness. How can I ever get that back? The important thing is that we had each other. It's not the same going solo.

 

My situation might sound like all the others. One likes to believe otherwise because of the inherent differences in each relationship. However, in the end, what matters is who he ends up with, her or me? I am hoping that the 'no contact rule' does not end up in a lack of communication that could have well been the most important thing that, perhaps, would have brought us back together.

 

If I'm too proud to call/write, he is probably sensing it and leaving it at that, thus giving me a taste of my own medicine. We know each other that well...

[nikkilove]

Nope, it never backfires.

[hbchick]

what exactly is the no contact rule??

[hurtingandconfused]

what exactly is the no contact rule??

How does that quote that Tony had say...."The problem with common sense is that it is not so common." -something like that.

 

Not having any contact with your s/o. A reason for both of you to move on.

[hbchick]

well i ment like what is the no conact rule supposed to accomblish??

[hurtingandconfused]

If you are the dumpee it is meant for you to move on.

 

And for the dumper it helps them reflect back and think about things in a different perspective. (without you of course)

 

In the end, if your ex truly loves you then they will return.

 

By then hopefully you have moved on..and this "NO CONTACT" rule will live up to its name.

[TZ]

I'm hoping that after the no contact period, I can move on. Then, if he returns, it will be up to me whether or not I want to rekindle the relationship. By then, I'll have a different perspective on a lot of things.

 

I pray that he will return.

 

Question: What do you guys make of a blank email sent 4 days after the breakup? I'm puzzled...

[hurtingandconfused]

Question: What do you guys make of a blank email sent 4 days after the breakup? I'm puzzled...

 

It's better not to think of the past. The email is nothing.

[clia]

TZ,

 

So, in essence, I wonder if the 'no contact rule' is really the best thing for me, is it really the best thing for the relationship?

 

WHAT relationship? He broke up with you. There is no relationship anymore.

 

Is he thinking that I really don't want to talk to him? (I do.)

 

Or is he thinking he doesn't want to talk to you? He broke up with you.

 

I wonder if this was a final decision. I wonder if purposely not contacting him would harbor feelings of hate/anger toward me.

 

He broke up with you. I'd take that as a final decision--that's all you can do now.

 

This is exactly how I feel. I don't want him to get used to the idea that I'm the walkaway type, that I'm willing to listen and give it a second chance.

 

What's this "get used to the idea" stuff? He broke up with you. You no longer have a relationship with him.

 

Is he waiting for me to initiate contact and by my not doing so, he feels that all is lost?

 

I seriously doubt it. If he's having second thoughts, he knows how to get ahold of you.

 

It was really painful, more than words can say, especially since we shared so much intimacy, for it to have to come to THIS. It's just surreal.

 

Welcome to The World of Being Dumped.

 

He probably thinks that I'm taking the breakup way too seriously, by not contacting him at all since then.

 

Do not, do not start trying to analyze what he is thinking/feeling right now. He broke up with you. Of course you are taking it seriously.

 

But I'm willing to put it all in the past and start anew, the question is how do I know that he is thinking/feeling the same thing?

 

When he comes crawling back to you, tells you he made the biggest mistake of his life, and wants to marry you. That's it.

 

The "no contact" rule is used for YOU to move on. It's not manipulative, game playing, etc. It's for YOU to get your mind on other things and to slowly detach yourself from the relationship, which is next to impossible to do when you continue to have contact with the person.

 

Can it backfire? IMO, no, never.