Cathster Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 My SO and I have been together over 4 years now. At the beginning we would talk quite a lot about starting a family, but it seems like the past 2 years or so he's gone the complete opposite direction. We originally decided on an end date of 2 years from when we began our LDR. The only way to end our LDR is to get married, so effectively we said in 2 years, we'd look into getting married. We'd be together over 6 years at that point so a reasonable enough time I think. Then he said that he wasn't sure he'd be ready for us to get married in two years, but on the other side of things he wasn't sure he wouldn't be. So at this moment in time we don't really have an end date. He doesn't discuss the future in terms of 'us'. It's always 'I want to go and work in this state' or 'I want to do this'. It feels like he doesn't factor me into his plans. When it comes to discussing having a family, as well, it's as if he refuses to acknowledge we might have kids together. Like today, I made a joke about 'our kids'. His reply was 'our children? You mean my kids'. When we talk about weddings, it's either 'his' wedding or 'my' wedding - never ours. I know he loves me, but I don't feel like he loves me enough to want a future with me. Or maybe he is just not ready as he says. But I didn't think not being ready meant that he couldn't even talk about our future. I guess it just feels like I'm more invested in this relationship than he is, and I'm so scared that we're going to carry on for years and then he'll decide that after all that I'm not the one he wants a future with. It would be good to get an impartial person's view on this, whether I'm reading too much into it and just need a slap or whether I should be worried about the fact that he completely clams up and refuses to talk about a future together.
heartshaped Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 How old are the two of you? Honestly, in my opinion, four years is far too long for there to be no mention of a future. Even if he isn't ready right this second to marry you or have children with you, he should know or at least, very much want you to be the person that he does those things with. It sounds like he isn't sure even about the possibility of having a future with you.
creighton0123 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Why is the only solution to ending the long distance relationship getting married? Why is there all the weight on getting married? The only thing I can guess is that the two of you are an international couple and require marriage for immigration purposes. If he's not ready for even a simple justice of the peace ceremony and marriage license after six years, something is very wrong with his perception and worth of the relationship. You're not his priority and you want to be. That's the problem that needs solving. What you're asking of him is not all that complex. You can be together. You can get married. You can be together without getting married. Millions of people do it every year.
HeavenOrHell Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 From what you've said I personally would be worried. After 4 years he should really know one way or another if he wants a future with you. Time to lay your cards on the table with him and ask him outright, tell him what he said worries you
TearyEyedPride Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Omg! Reading your post I'm beginning to recognize the same pattern of behavior my ex had. We had been dating for about 3 years LD, and at first it was the honeymoon stage. He was sooo invested. Head over heels in love, proposed, wanting to father "our" future children, had names picked out, ready to flee his state to be with me. Those were the good ole' days. Then there was breakup number 1. He felt like he needed to have more of a social life, but we ended up getting back together. He continued in school and we were still in love but of course it wasn't quite the same although it was good. I chalked it up to us "maturing". He was still supposedly head over heels, but the getting married talk became more of a source of contention, it kept being put off, we stopped talking about the children, we fell into a pattern or a consistent routine, school & work got busier, yet we still made time for each other. All the dynamics changed in my relationship but I was willing to fight for it. I mean eventually it became hard for him to even give me a time when I could visit. Distance is tough... He's now my ex. He dumped me a few weeks ago. It's funny how I had to hear your story to realize the signs. My advice is to have open communication, as open and honest as you can. Discuss your concerns with him.
Author Cathster Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 (edited) Thanks everyone for your replies. We're both 24, and yes creighton we are in an international LDR - he is in the US and I am in the UK. My work isn't specialist enough for me to get a visa and there's no way I'd be able to afford college so unless he moves back home, our LDR will only end if we marry. I'm sorry to hear about your situation TearyEyedPride. It sounds very similar to me, and I do think that unless he just doesn't see the need to talk about the future but does see me in it (which from the signs doesn't seem likely), then it's just a matter of time I will try and talk to him about it. We have had this conversation a few times to be honest, but I don't know if he just says what he thinks I want to hear. But then his actions speak differently. I am seeing him in two weeks so will mention it at the end of that trip, but I am really scared of the answer, as the last thing I want is for us to break up. Our relationship generally is very good; we hardly ever argue, but it does occasionally feel like he loves me rather than is in love with me. I guess it just seems like he doesn't need me anymore. When I talk about our visits he always says that he could go longer with us being apart than I could, which just seems a bit off to me? He says he looks forward to seeing me when I come out, but there is never any excitement or much saying he misses me. Edited June 17, 2011 by Cathster
HeavenOrHell Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 How much time does he make to phone or skype you? My partner doesn't talk much about the future, he said he doesn't feel the need to but that he wants to do it, even though the thought of the upheaval makes him anxious. The way he is with me and the things he says means I don't question his love for me or the fact he misses me. He sometimes says that even if he doesn't say it much, that he misses me. He says he wouldn't want to go longer than 2 months between visits. The lack of enthusiasm with your partner could just be a male thing, or did he used to be enthusiastic but isn't now? Has that changed? Thanks everyone for your replies. We're both 24, and yes creighton we are in an international LDR - he is in the US and I am in the UK. My work isn't specialist enough for me to get a visa and there's no way I'd be able to afford college so unless he moves back home, our LDR will only end if we marry. I'm sorry to hear about your situation TearyEyedPride. It sounds very similar to me, and I do think that unless he just doesn't see the need to talk about the future but does see me in it (which from the signs doesn't seem likely), then it's just a matter of time I will try and talk to him about it. We have had this conversation a few times to be honest, but I don't know if he just says what he thinks I want to hear. But then his actions speak differently. I am seeing him in two weeks so will mention it at the end of that trip, but I am really scared of the answer, as the last thing I want is for us to break up. Our relationship generally is very good; we hardly ever argue, but it does occasionally feel like he loves me rather than is in love with me. I guess it just seems like he doesn't need me anymore. When I talk about our visits he always says that he could go longer with us being apart than I could, which just seems a bit off to me? He says he looks forward to seeing me when I come out, but there is never any excitement or much saying he misses me.
Author Cathster Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 From the beginning of our LDR he always said that he could go longer without seeing me than I could him. His reasoning is that he's so busy the days just go so fast as it is, so it feels like even though it's a few months between visits it seems a lot less to him and a lot more to me. I think the lack of communication is a big part of what worries me about us. We used to speak at least three times a day, for 20 minutes at a time, but now it's gone down to me calling him before bed and talking for 20 minutes, and that's it. He doesn't tend to call me half as frequently as I call him - his excuses are that he's very busy at work and he forgets about the time difference. Weekends are a little better but not by much as he spends most of his time out with friends. But then it's as you say, when I am actually with him and the things he says doesn't make me question it (apart from when he talks about his future, not ours). It's just when we're apart and the communication is at a minimum I think I then pick apart everything he says. Last night he did the 'my kids' thing again. It's a silly little thing but it's like, we've been together over four years and it feels like he doesn't even know who he is going to have kids with. Maybe I just need to stop thinking about it and just let him be ready when he's ready, but it's difficult when I'm not sure if he'll ever be ready. Edit: I forgot to answer your other question. His general attitude towards the relationship and us hasn't really changed since he moved, just the communication. When we're together it's just the same as it always has been.
Pianiste Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 I guess his notion of time can be a lot different from yours, especially if you are a less busy person. I wouldn't worry about that too much, it differs from person to person. I also don't think it's a very unhealthy change that you guys no longer talk three times a day. But if you feel that there is a lack in communication you should talk to him about that and let him know what your needs are. However I doubt things will change, at least not in the long term. It seems as if you two talk about kids quite often, even when you were only 20 years old. To me that sounds like you're a couple of steps ahead of yourself. It's not strange that you may think you are ready for those rigorous steps, ie. marriage, kids etc., when you're only 20 years old but slowly realize, as you get older, that you aren't ready at all. But if you feel ready to take the next step. All you can do is tell him that you are ready and see where he stands. There is no telling as to whether he is ready or not, even though the signs do kind of point in the "not ready"-direction. Bottle it up for now. Two weeks isn't a long time and this is really a topic to discuss face-to-face. I don't know for how long you are visiting him but I can imagine it'll bother you the whole time if you wait with bringing it up till the end of the visit. Just pick an appropriate moment to discuss it. It helps to know where you stand but there's no need to make an immidiate decision when you do bring it up.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 why don't you just be direct when he mentions "my kids" and ask him what does he mean by that, why can't it be "our kids"?
heartshaped Posted June 18, 2011 Posted June 18, 2011 I think you need to be direct about this. After four years, he should know whether or not you are the woman he wants to get married to and have children with. Being ready is a whole different subject matter, but at twenty-four and a four year relationship, he should at least be able to tell you if he wants to marry you and have children with you. It seems like the things he says would portray otherwise and if he says he does then I would ask him why is everything 'his' then instead of 'our' and why doesn't he factor you into his plans. Being in a long distance relationship is hard and not having any end date is harder. I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that he may not be ready for a long time thus not being able/ready to close the distance. You need to prepare yourself for that and decide if/when the time comes what you will do.
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