How would this seem to you?

June 14, 2011

Have you considered seeking help regarding this? For example someone that knows how to help people deal with this? (like a psychiatrist/psychotherapist in a hospital or one issued by the police, i.e. not a commercial therapist that had a 3 week psychology crash course) That might speed up the healing process.

I tried but it didn't go far since I never actually opened up to the therapist. However, when i did ask for advice for a situation like my own - she mentioned confrontation. That was my last visit. I just can't do that.

I actually know a psychotherapist - who is very good at what he does. He was studying a new form of therapy that I think may be of some use to me. He is the only one in my area that does it. However, I don't think he will care to hear from me since I did end things between us.

June 14, 2011

No, your post was fine. It actually did answer my question. I only answered Professor X's question because the answer may help people understand my question more.

This isn't something I have shared with any guy I have dated.
However, this seems to be shaping my life - even though I am over that situation.

It seems as it is repeating itself over and over. Like all my relationships are just sex. As it was when I was 12. I am scared I am living in a cycle. Like that is all I will ever get out of a relationship. I don't think I know how to have any other type of relationship and it scares me.

(I wasn't serious with the more of a slut comment)
My guess is ... I need therapy. Which didn't work before so I don't know.

SmileFace, "getting over" rape or molestation takes a long time and there are a lot of stages to go through. It's really common to go through a long phase of emotionally distancing yourself from men, as a defense mechanism. Failure to connect perpetuated by the self, even against your will.

You're still quite young. Being aware of the cycle is actually a really good sign that you will break free of it someday, though not everyone does. You will have to learn to identify and break down your own defenses, which can be painful and scary--you will have to learn to allow yourself to be vulnerable again in a way you probably can't even imagine being, right now.

Ultimately, it can be so so worth it. Just for the personal growth, even, relationship success aside.

Therapy can help and in a big way, but you NEED to find the right therapist. Don't be afraid to interview them, they are going to be working for you. My guess is that you would need somebody rather challenging, as you are a strong personality and good at deflecting serious subjects with humor. It also needs to be the right time for therapy--a lot of people waste a lot of time and money sitting through therapy sessions simply for the form of it, without putting any energy or genuine effort into it, because they're not really ready to face their demons. Sounds like that might have been your previous experience.

And, you know, time. Time, and perspective, and the willingness to be introspective and learn from mistakes and observation.

Anyway I'm not a man but your sexual/relationship history at 21 wouldn't make me blink an eye, for whatever that's worth.

Remember you're not stuck anywhere, your road is just beginning.

June 14, 2011

I actually know a psychotherapist - who is very good at what he does. He was studying a new form of therapy that I think may be of some use to me. He is the only one in my area that does it. However, I don't think he will care to hear from me since I did end things between us.

If he has ethical guidelines for his profession (which he should) and if he has a professional and ethical attitude, then he should be receptive. At the very most you might have to explain why you ended things the last time, but that you're willing to give it another shot. Your willingness to work on things should be his cue for helping you.

Not sure what the financial side of that will mean for you, whether your insurance covers it.

June 14, 2011

SmileFace, "getting over" rape or molestation takes a long time and there are a lot of stages to go through. It's really common to go through a long phase of emotionally distancing yourself from men, as a defense mechanism. Failure to connect perpetuated by the self, even against your will.

You're still quite young. Being aware of the cycle is actually a really good sign that you will break free of it someday, though not everyone does. You will have to learn to identify and break down your own defenses, which can be painful and scary--you will have to learn to allow yourself to be vulnerable again in a way you probably can't even imagine being, right now.

Ultimately, it can be so so worth it. Just for the personal growth, even, relationship success aside.

Therapy can help and in a big way, but you NEED to find the right therapist. Don't be afraid to interview them, they are going to be working for you. My guess is that you would need somebody rather challenging, as you are a strong personality and good at deflecting serious subjects with humor. It also needs to be the right time for therapy--a lot of people waste a lot of time and money sitting through therapy sessions simply for the form of it, without putting any energy or genuine effort into it, because they're not really ready to face their demons. Sounds like that might have been your previous experience.

And, you know, time. Time, and perspective, and the willingness to be introspective and learn from mistakes and observation.

Anyway I'm not a man but your sexual/relationship history at 21 wouldn't make me blink an eye, for whatever that's worth.

Remember you're not stuck anywhere, your road is just beginning.

I have spent so many years coping with my issues on my own. I don't know if I can accept help. The whole idea of a therapist knowing so much about me scares me. I don't like the idea of being venurable. That is why I haven't seeked therapy recently. It seems odd to mention this on the board but this may be the only place where I ever mentioned this. Its a small step ,since I am anoymous to most, but it is a huge step for me.

I am glad you bring up the humor thing. This is the only way I know. It is bad since people usually think I am always joking but humor is my form of coping. Anyways thanks, I really don't want to be stuck anymore.

June 14, 2011

If he has ethical guidelines for his profession (which he should) and if he has a professional and ethical attitude, then he should be receptive. At the very most you might have to explain why you ended things the last time, but that you're willing to give it another shot. Your willingness to work on things should be his cue for helping you.

Not sure what the financial side of that will mean for you, whether your insurance covers it.

It isn't the cost of therapy that is the problem but it is the time.

June 14, 2011

SmileFace, "getting over" rape or molestation takes a long time and there are a lot of stages to go through. It's really common to go through a long phase of emotionally distancing yourself from men, as a defense mechanism. Failure to connect perpetuated by the self, even against your will.

You're still quite young. Being aware of the cycle is actually a really good sign that you will break free of it someday, though not everyone does. You will have to learn to identify and break down your own defenses, which can be painful and scary--you will have to learn to allow yourself to be vulnerable again in a way you probably can't even imagine being, right now.

Ultimately, it can be so so worth it. Just for the personal growth, even, relationship success aside.

Therapy can help and in a big way, but you NEED to find the right therapist. Don't be afraid to interview them, they are going to be working for you. My guess is that you would need somebody rather challenging, as you are a strong personality and good at deflecting serious subjects with humor. It also needs to be the right time for therapy--a lot of people waste a lot of time and money sitting through therapy sessions simply for the form of it, without putting any energy or genuine effort into it, because they're not really ready to face their demons. Sounds like that might have been your previous experience.

And, you know, time. Time, and perspective, and the willingness to be introspective and learn from mistakes and observation.

Anyway I'm not a man but your sexual/relationship history at 21 wouldn't make me blink an eye, for whatever that's worth.

Remember you're not stuck anywhere, your road is just beginning.

I have spent so many years coping with my issues on my own. I don't know if I can accept help. The whole idea of a therapist knowing so much about me scares me. I don't like the idea of being venurable. That is why I haven't seeked therapy recently. It seems odd to mention this on the board but this may be the only place where I ever mentioned this. Its a small step ,since I am anoymous to most, but it is a huge step for me.

I am glad you bring up the humor thing. This is the only way I know. It is bad since people usually think I am always joking but humor is my form of coping. Anyways thanks, I really don't want to be stuck anymore.

I apologize for being slightly off-topic, but this definitely strikes a chord for me, especially as I'm around the same age as the OP and adopt a silly persona irl so that I can avoid dealing with these issues.

I also have not been able to start or maintain a real relationship with a guy, though in my case I haven't had sex. I joke to my friends that I don't want a relationship, that they are all drama, etc. but the truth is that I'm just plain scared. The closest I have ever come to a relationship is with a guy who took two years out of his life to get to know me, and as time went on we found out more about each other until he found out about my childhood. And then things went wrong for me. When discussing things like my childhood or having an intimate relationship...when realizing just how much I had "let him in"...I felt so exposed. I can't describe how bad it was, but I never want to experience that feeling again. I ran as fast as I could, hurting a great guy in the process.

I always remember that feeling whenever I reconsider dating or entering therapy. I know I'll have to come in contact with the feeling again. In my two previous attempts at therapy, I have found that I can talk about what happened in a pretty detached tone. But when I actually have to think about it...that is, the effects it had on my family, the continuous nightmares I had during adolescence, and the effects it has on me today...I start freaking out again. I'd like to try the therapy thing again but I don't know if I'm ready yet, and I'm not sure when I will be (or how I would know if I were).

To SmileFace...I hope you are able to work through this and get "un-stuck."

June 14, 2011

I don’t really get the question. It seems like you’re embarrassed that you’re not a virgin but have been in relationships? My advice for you would be to build committed relationships before engaging in sex. I’m not saying wait till you are engaged with the guy or married to have sex. I’m just saying be willing to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend and agree not to see other people. Calling it a friends with benefits just seems so dirty because it implies not wanting to even casually date the person.

As for having sex at 12 and feeling pressured feel free to talk about it here or in person with some one you trust in your life if you think it would help. I think part of your shame may come from keeping it a secret. You really shouldn’t blame yourself for that and no mature person would blame you for what ever happened.

June 14, 2011

I don’t really get the question. It seems like you’re embarrassed that you’re not a virgin but have been in relationships? My advice for you would be to build committed relationships before engaging in sex. I’m not saying wait till you are engaged with the guy or married to have sex. I’m just saying be willing to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend and agree not to see other people. Calling it a friends with benefits just seems so dirty because it implies not wanting to even casually date the person.

As for having sex at 12 and feeling pressured feel free to talk about it here or in person with some one you trust in your life if you think it would help. I think part of your shame may come from keeping it a secret. You really shouldn’t blame yourself for that and no mature person would blame you for what ever happened.

I am not embarrassed that I am not a virgin. I have no problem with my sexual history that was my decision. I am embarrassed at the fact that I never had the choice to actually lose it. I don't know the feeling of first any thing.

The question seems odd alone, I agree but it is more. I am really asking how would a guy view me when he only sees my surface. Like college_guy said, this isn't something I will tell any guy - he would have to be someone I trust but I don't know how to trust. I am all types of messed up.

Edited June 14, 2011 by SmileFace

June 14, 2011

The question seems odd alone, I agree but it is more. I am really asking how would a guy view me when he only sees my surface. Like college_guy said, this isn't something I will tell any guy - he would have to be someone I trust but I don't know how to trust. I am all types of messed up.

how they view you, at your age it'll be hit and miss. as you get older though they will know something isn't quite right, they just won't be able to identify what it is.

you have to deal with the issues at some point. you can't just have sex only relationships forever.

Edited June 14, 2011 by thatone

June 14, 2011

I am not embarrassed that I am not a virgin. I have no problem with my sexual history that was my decision. I am embarrassed at the fact that I never had the choice to actually lose it. I don't know the feeling of first any thing.

The question seems odd alone, I agree but it is more. I am really asking how would a guy view me when he only sees my surface. Like college_guy said, this isn't something I will tell any guy - he would have to be someone I trust but I don't know how to trust. I am all types of messed up.

Worry about how you view yourself. Don’t be embarrassed about never having the choice to lose it. Did you make this thread because you want to talk about it? Feel free to if you think it will help. Also you should probably find some one you can talk to about this in person. Like maybe a counselor at your school for free. I don’t believe in medication though so my personal thought is don’t go on meds.

June 14, 2011

I apologize for being slightly off-topic, but this definitely strikes a chord for me, especially as I'm around the same age as the OP and adopt a silly persona irl so that I can avoid dealing with these issues.

I also have not been able to start or maintain a real relationship with a guy, though in my case I haven't had sex. I joke to my friends that I don't want a relationship, that they are all drama, etc. but the truth is that I'm just plain scared. The closest I have ever come to a relationship is with a guy who took two years out of his life to get to know me, and as time went on we found out more about each other until he found out about my childhood. And then things went wrong for me. When discussing things like my childhood or having an intimate relationship...when realizing just how much I had "let him in"...I felt so exposed. I can't describe how bad it was, but I never want to experience that feeling again. I ran as fast as I could, hurting a great guy in the process.

I always remember that feeling whenever I reconsider dating or entering therapy. I know I'll have to come in contact with the feeling again. In my two previous attempts at therapy, I have found that I can talk about what happened in a pretty detached tone. But when I actually have to think about it...that is, the effects it had on my family, the continuous nightmares I had during adolescence, and the effects it has on me today...I start freaking out again. I'd like to try the therapy thing again but I don't know if I'm ready yet, and I'm not sure when I will be (or how I would know if I were).

To SmileFace...I hope you are able to work through this and get "un-stuck."

I hope i am able to work through this as well. I don't have much to say, you covered most of it. once someone knows anything about me that makes me seem like i am no longer in control.i run them out of my life. i wish i can stop this one day. since i have lost some great people because of this

June 14, 2011

how they view you, at your age it'll be hit and miss. as you get older though they will know something isn't quite right, they just won't be able to identify what it is.

you have to deal with the issues at some point. you can't just have sex only relationships forever.

I really feel silly still commenting on this thread but not commenting will only prove that I am stuck in my old ways.

The bolded part runs true and this is how I feel people view me. Like something isn't quite right. I feel broken.

I am trying to deal with the issues - sadly enough a internet thread is where I decided to start. I don't want sex only relationships forever.

However, I have tried relationships and I can't connect the two. I have never been able to connect the emotional and physical aspect. It is either one or the other.

June 14, 2011

I really feel silly still commenting on this thread but not commenting will only prove that I am stuck in my old ways.

The bolded part runs true and this is how I feel people view me. Like something isn't quite right. I feel broken.

I am trying to deal with the issues - sadly enough a internet thread is where I decided to start. I don't want sex only relationships forever.

However, I have tried relationships and I can't connect the two. I have never been able to connect the emotional and physical aspect. It is either one or the other.

Have you ever been inlove ?

June 14, 2011

Have you ever been inlove ?

No, not even close.

June 14, 2011

However, I have tried relationships and I can't connect the two. I have never been able to connect the emotional and physical aspect. It is either one or the other.

Given that you have never been in love, how can you say it is either one or the other - when you never had this "other" ?

I mean, you only experienced the physical aspect, which is, in my eye, quite lackluster.

Seems quite weird that you have never been in love at your age, even once. How's your social circle? many? few? none?

June 14, 2011

You should skate by it by saying, "I'm sorry, I don't discuss past relationships."

If he pressures you for more, that just means that he's not the right guy for you.

June 14, 2011

Given that you have never been in love, how can you say it is either one or the other - when you never had this "other" ?

If you are saying the other is "Love", yes I have never had that on my end. However I have had great emotional connections with guys but that is all. I am not to sure how to explain it

I mean, you only experienced the physical aspect, which is, in my eye, quite lackluster.

I agree

Seems quite weird that you have never been in love at your age, even once. How's your social circle? many? few? none?

No, not even once. My social circle is fine. I don't have many close friends but it is fine. It is lacking now since I moved away from my social circle but it isn't bad.

June 14, 2011

I have spent so many years coping with my issues on my own. I don't know if I can accept help. The whole idea of a therapist knowing so much about me scares me. I don't like the idea of being venurable. That is why I haven't seeked therapy recently. It seems odd to mention this on the board but this may be the only place where I ever mentioned this. Its a small step ,since I am anoymous to most, but it is a huge step for me.

I am glad you bring up the humor thing. This is the only way I know. It is bad since people usually think I am always joking but humor is my form of coping. Anyways thanks, I really don't want to be stuck anymore.

SF--and alethean--believe me, I do understand, better than I would like to.

We're strangers on the internet, but I'm proud of you for taking this first step. I don't think it's sad that you started on an internet thread. Learning how to talk about this is part of moving forward, getting unstuck. In my opinion, it's all part of the process of learning that opening yourself to being vulnerable is really just the gateway of resilience.

I am not a therapy professional and should/could never take the place of one, and you seem like you're kind of uncomfortable now, but if you ever want to revisit this subject, feel free to PM me.

Edited June 15, 2011 by Stung

June 15, 2011

Given that you have never been in love, how can you say it is either one or the other - when you never had this "other" ?

If you are saying the other is "Love", yes I have never had that on my end. However I have had great emotional connections with guys but that is all. I am not to sure how to explain it

I mean, you only experienced the physical aspect, which is, in my eye, quite lackluster.

I agree

Seems quite weird that you have never been in love at your age, even once. How's your social circle? many? few? none?

No, not even once. My social circle is fine. I don't have many close friends but it is fine. It is lacking now since I moved away from my social circle but it isn't bad.

Weird, so it's not like you're socially awkward.

Well, anyway, you're still changing and growing, so I wouldn't be to much bothered with it all.

Live your life for yourself, be able to look after yourself. Be proud of who you are.

Continue to be your own best friend

Just be all that you can be.

June 15, 2011

SF--and alethean--believe me, I do understand, better than I would like to.

Sorry.

I will write you soon; when the words in my head are capable of making sentences. I am at a lost right now.

P.s: Thanks X

June 15, 2011

virginity is so overrated...

Sign In

How would this seem to you?

Recommended Posts

SmileFace

Stung

Nexus One

SmileFace

SmileFace

alethean

Dust

SmileFace

thatone

Dust

SmileFace

SmileFace

Professor X

SmileFace

Professor X

ProjekctionMan

SmileFace

Stung

Professor X

SmileFace

youngskywalker

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...