SmileFace Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 I remember when I was dating my ex - he asked me about my past relationships but I couldn't actually reply. He was my first boyfriend and that relationship only lasted about 5 weeks. Anyway, after the past relationship question - I got the "Well,are you a virgin? " question. Which I replied with the truth. "No, I am not." How does that seem to a guy?If you were dating a girl and she was in this situation. I know it depends on his personal beliefs but I am starting to feel crappy about never having a real relationship.I have had "relationships", but not the kind you should really mention to a boyfriend. Which is silly since I don't want one right now. I guess I just feel crappy since my mom was just telling me I need to trust guys and I keep running them off. Which sounds easy enough. Anyway, back to the dating related question(see bolded).
tman666 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 In my opinion, it's probably better to be either fully honest or not discuss the topic. If you lie about your past or only give a guy half-truths and/or little pieces of info, his mind will fill in the blanks, often for the worst. The worst thing you can possibly do is lie about it. Either be fully honest and open with his questions or simply let him know (kindly) that it's not something you discuss, that you're not ashamed of it (even if you are), and that it's nothing that bares any relevance whatsoever to your current relationship with him. Just keep reassuring him that he's the better catch. The best option, probably, is not to discuss it at all. Leave it in the past (as the name suggests).
Author SmileFace Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 I have no problem being honest. I see no reason to lie about any of my past.My problem may be that I am too honest. However, I tend to ignore the double standards that come with being a female - so yes my relationship history isn't of the norm. It seems that these questions get asked early on in relationships and answering them are necessary. I personally never ask a guy about his past - I wonder if it is because I don't care or trying to avoid my own.
tman666 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 I have no problem being honest. I see no reason to lie about any of my past.My problem may be that I am too honest. However, I tend to ignore the double standards that come with being a female - so yes my relationship history isn't of the norm. It seems that these questions get asked early on in relationships and answering them are necessary. I personally never ask a guy about his past - I wonder if it is because I don't care or trying to avoid my own. What would you consider to be a normal relationship history?
oaks Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 I don't see a problem with "I haven't been in a relationship, but I'm not a virgin". Not all sex is within a relationship. Depending on the age of the person, I might be surprised (or even concerned) if she hadn't ever been in a relationship.
Author SmileFace Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 What would you consider to be a normal relationship history? I don't know how to answer that question.
Author SmileFace Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 Depending on the age of the person, I might be surprised (or even concerned) if she hadn't ever been in a relationship. I am on the verge of 21. Half of me wants to be concerned but the other half also says that I am only 20.
oaks Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 I am on the verge of 21. Half of me wants to be concerned but the other half also says that I am only 20. Oh. Well in that case I wouldn't be concerned that you haven't been in a relationship. The women I date are usually 15+ years older than you.
HopelessR Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 I am on the verge of 21. Half of me wants to be concerned but the other half also says that I am only 20. I'm in the same boat as you. Just turned 21 and never been in a real relationship, but I'm not a virgin. I avoid questions/topics and do not ask the guys I'm dating about their previous relationships/history. It's in the past. I don't know what I'd say if the question arose though.
collegeguy_24 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Smileface, I don't really know much about you, so may I ask this quick question so I can better understand the question you started this thread with. Is the vast majority of your "relationships" just sex based, like one night stands or FWBs? This may help me to understand where your coming from better.
Author SmileFace Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 Smileface, I don't really know much about you, so may I ask this quick question so I can better understand the question you started this thread with. Is the vast majority of your "relationships" just sex based, like one night stands or FWBs? This may help me to understand where your coming from better. Sorry, I should have added in my past. I can say most of my relationships were sex based.I have had one on going FWB and the two other guys I have been with were people I was dating. Which includes my ex - that was mentioned in the first post. I have never had a one night stand.
Author SmileFace Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 I'm in the same boat as you. Just turned 21 and never been in a real relationship, but I'm not a virgin. I avoid questions/topics and do not ask the guys I'm dating about their previous relationships/history. It's in the past. I don't know what I'd say if the question arose though. I remember this one guy told me I was standoffish since I never wanted to know about him. Which probably related to me never asking about his past. However, I am generally not interested in people's past.
tman666 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 (edited) Sorry, I should have added in my past. I can say most of my relationships were sex based.I have had one on going FWB and the two other guys I have been with were people I was dating. Which includes my ex - that was mentioned in the first post. I have never had a one night stand. Hold up now. I keep re-reading this and wonder if I'm interpreting this correctly: you've only been with 3 guys? Edited June 13, 2011 by tman666
Author SmileFace Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 Hold up now. I keep re-reading this and wonder if I'm interpreting this correctly: you've only been with 3 guys? Try re-reading it again. It is 3 guys.lol just messing. Yes, I have been with 3 guys.
tman666 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Try re-reading it again. It is 3 guys.lol just messing. Yes, I have been with 3 guys. Ok. Got it. Any guy who gets worked up about you being with only 3 guys (with no one night stands, even) is either Mormon (no offense to you Mo Mos out there) or delusional. You should be proud of that. It shows that you've been selective but that you're not so stodgy that you're not willing to take it there if you feel like it.
collegeguy_24 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Sorry, I should have added in my past. I can say most of my relationships were sex based.I have had one on going FWB and the two other guys I have been with were people I was dating. Which includes my ex - that was mentioned in the first post. I have never had a one night stand. So you slept with 3 people? Thats not bad, not at all. I have only slept with 3 people, granted they were for relationships, but still, we are both even so to speak. Now if you were like my ex, who slept with 10 people in 2 years, and 8 of them were FWBs and 1 one nightstand, while 2 were relationships. (I was one of the 2). Then that would be bad. If you were still friends with the FWBs and still hung out with them like my ex does, then that is cause for concern. So far I'm not seeing it from your past, and she just turned 21 on June 7th so she is about the same age as you. Now asking about the past of someone for me is tricky. I have the same belief as my current GF, which is asking because you don't want to catch an STD is reasonable reason to ask. However you also don't want to know how many people someone slept with as depending on how a persons mind works it can eat away at you. Its a hard situation to choose.
Author SmileFace Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 Ok. Got it. Any guy who gets worked up about you being with only 3 guys (with no one night stands, even) is either Mormon (no offense to you Mo Mos out there) or delusional. You should be proud of that. It shows that you've been selective but that you're not so stodgy that you're not willing to take it there if you feel like it. I really don't see why someone would get worked up about it. It isn't like I am going against any of my beliefs. The thread wasn't about how much guys I have been with and what the proves but more about the relationships with those guys. My ex mentioned something about it being weird that my longest relationship was a FWB. Which for some reason popped into my head today and BAMM! - this thread was started.
Author SmileFace Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 Now asking about the past of someone for me is tricky. I have the same belief as my current GF, which is asking because you don't want to catch an STD is reasonable reason to ask. However you also don't want to know how many people someone slept with as depending on how a persons mind works it can eat away at you. Its a hard situation to choose. The things is every guy I have been with - I know their past. You know why, because they tell me. Even with my FWB. I don't care how much people a person has been with as long as they are clean. I always discuss testing - in regards to STDs so that isn't what I mean past. I even discuess sexual past - which I am trying to stop doing. However I don't ask about relationship past because I generally can't relate.
Professor X Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 How does that seem to a guy?If you were dating a girl and she was in this situation. You asked a question which no1 seemed to really answer, so allow me: Losing your virginity while not in a RS is what I would raise my eyebrow at ^_- You choosing to have your first time sex with a total stranger or with just a friend (just to try or whatnot) would probably repel most guys away because it might suggest that you don't value intimacy (i.e. slut). Oh and, I'm not calling you a slut or any name for that matter, just stating what I think might be the issue.
Author SmileFace Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 You asked a question which no1 seemed to really answer, so allow me: Losing your virginity while not in a RS is what I would raise my eyebrow at ^_- You choosing to have your first time sex with a total stranger or with just a friend (just to try or whatnot) would probably repel most guys away because it might suggest that you don't value intimacy (i.e. slut). Oh and, I'm not calling you a slut or any name for that matter, just stating what I think might be the issue. Actually, I didn't lose my virginity to any of those guys. I was pressured into sex at 12 by a family member and that is when I lost my virginity.I don't actually count this as sex. So, I wonder if I should mention that to guys - or - if that makes me more of a slut. I am not answering in a angry manner since that isn't something you knew. However, I am pretty sure I don't actually value intimacy.
collegeguy_24 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 I always discuss testing - in regards to STDs so that isn't what I mean past. I even discuess sexual past This is what I meant, sexual past, not relationship past. I know from experience that talking about relationship past is a bad idea, even though it was the exes idea to do it, I went along with it instead of saying no. If I were to talk about sexual past with someone, it would be because I wanted to be safe, I mean who would want an STD? Losing your virginity while not in a RS is what I would raise my eyebrow at ^_- You choosing to have your first time sex with a total stranger or with just a friend (just to try or whatnot) would probably repel most guys away because it might suggest that you don't value intimacy (i.e. slut). That is also a good point, one that is fairly accurate as well. Edit: I just saw the family thing. Personally, I wouldn't discuss that with a new potential BF unless you can trust them as that is a big deal. He wouldn't view you as a slut for that, most guys I know would view it as rape. 1
Nexus One Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 How does that seem to a guy?If you were dating a girl and she was in this situation. I'd want an honest answer in that situation. Being quiet about it can give the idea to a guy that you have a questionable past. I've mentioned this many times before, but when guys ask that question, then they're checking if you as a girl/woman are suitable as a potential longterm partner. Guys need this information for pattern checking. We check patterns of the past in order to try to determine future outcomes. Past patterns are the best indications for future behavior. I've heard many women say that it's none of their SO's business. That attitude will piss most guys off and will give them the wrong idea about you. If you can't trust your past with your SO, then who can/will you trust? If a girl would tell me that it's none of my business, then that would be a red flag to me and even a potential deal breaker. If she lies about it and I happen to find out, then even more so. In those cases she basically would be blocking me from trying to (partly) determine if she's a potential longterm partner. I've seen some women here on LS mention that that isn't a laid back attitude and that guys shouldn't care about a woman's past. But it has nothing to do with being laid back or not. It's about trying to determine whether we can have a solid future together and if we should question your loyalty. With a cheating rate of 46% amongst women it's not entirely irrational for men to question that. Like women, men too have roughly a 1 in 2 chance of finding a loyal SO, it's not entirely irrational to have insecurities about that for both genders with those cheating rates. That being said, it's not about your "number". Guys will not just put weight on how many guys you had sex with, but also the type of relationships those were and how you reflect back on them. It's no secret that many women fear that question and I've said before here on LS that I think the reason for that is, is that women intuitively know that the question important to many guys. Women's intuition on that point is spot on. 1
Nexus One Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Actually, I didn't lose my virginity to any of those guys. I was pressured into sex at 12 by a family member and that is when I lost my virginity.I don't actually count this as sex. So, I wonder if I should mention that to guys - or - if that makes me more of a slut. I am not answering in a angry manner since that isn't something you knew. However, I am pretty sure I don't actually value intimacy. Damn. Sorry to hear that SmileFace. When I wrote my reply I didn't read that yet. 1. No it doesn't make you more of a slut. 2. A good guy would be shocked when hearing that, but shocked in the sense that he would worry about your well-being. A good guy wouldn't judge you based on that.
Author SmileFace Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 (edited) Damn. Sorry to hear that SmileFace. When I wrote my reply I didn't read that yet. 1. No it doesn't make you more of a slut. 2. A good guy would be shocked when hearing that, but shocked in the sense that he would worry about your well-being. A good guy wouldn't judge you based on that. No, your post was fine. It actually did answer my question. I only answered Professor X's question because the answer may help people understand my question more. This isn't something I have shared with any guy I have dated. However, this seems to be shaping my life - even though I am over that situation. It seems as it is repeating itself over and over. Like all my relationships are just sex. As it was when I was 12. I am scared I am living in a cycle. Like that is all I will ever get out of a relationship. I don't think I know how to have any other type of relationship and it scares me. (I wasn't serious with the more of a slut comment) My guess is ... I need therapy. Which didn't work before so I don't know. Edited June 13, 2011 by SmileFace
Nexus One Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 No, your post was fine. It actually did answer my question. I only answered Professor X's question because the answer may help people understand my question more. This isn't something I have shared with any guy I have dated. However, this seems to be shaping my life - even though I am over that situation. It seems as it is repeating itself over and over. Like all my relationships are just sex. As it was when I was 12. I am scared I am living in a cycle. Like that is all I will ever get out of a relationship. I don't think I know how to have any other type of relationship and it scares me. (I wasn't serious with the more of a slut comment) It's said that time heals all wounds. I think that is (mostly) true, so it's quite possible that it would take quite some more years for you to get over it. But that might take so long that you would need to heal during your entire 20's. Have you considered seeking help regarding this? For example someone that knows how to help people deal with this? (like a psychiatrist/psychotherapist in a hospital or one issued by the police, i.e. not a commercial therapist that had a 3 week psychology crash course) That might speed up the healing process.
Recommended Posts