Author sweetsarah Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 He sent me a message today saying that he is sorry for trying to make me leave my parents and he was being selfish and only thinking about himself. He said he is willing to trying to make things work after I'm done with college.
BetheButterfly Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 (edited) He sent me a message today saying that he is sorry for trying to make me leave my parents and he was being selfish and only thinking about himself. He said he is willing to trying to make things work after I'm done with college. Awesome! Make sure to stand strong, because him just being a friend until after your done with college has many good points: 1. You two can get to know each other better and have a stronger foundation. You can also see if he truly has changed and is no longer violent. There are so many people who rush into relationships, relationships based on mushy feelings and lust and the pleasure of physical contact and feeling wanted. Most of these relationships don't last. 2. Being friends first before getting into a romantic relationship helps establish trust and helps you see him in different situations, and how he handles life... how he handles disappointments, how he handles different circumstances, what is important to him, how he handles money, how he handles time in not getting what he wants when he wants it. This is really important, because right now, you don't know him incredibly well. 3. Your family can see that he is respecting them and you, as well as understanding that you need your education. His desire to wait for you (if that happens) will show them that he is not just trying to steal you away from them and that he doesn't care about them or you, but rather that he is being respectful, mature, and considering your well-being. Here is some advise concerning the time when you are in college, k? A. DON'T GO ANYWHERE ALONE WITH HIM. The reason is because it is so easy to go somewhere alone, start talking and melting into each other's eyes, and the next thing you know, you'll be kissing and... yeah. Right now, it is not the time. B. MAKE SURE TO LET YOUR PARENTS KNOW THAT HE IS A FRIEND AND THAT HE IS RESPECTING THEM AND DOESN'T WANT TO STEAL YOU AWAY FROM THEM. Make sure you gently but continuously let your parents know what's up with you too.. that he is still your friend (if he is) and keep gently and sensitively asking if he can come over for dinner or meet your family and you somewhere to spend time together. Make sure your parents know that you are not going anywhere alone with him and that you want them to get to know him as your friend (with potential for more someday if God wills) C. If your family has issues with his ethnicity, make sure to advocate Islamic teachings about equality. Whether or not in the future they warm up to this man or not, it is very important for them to understand all people are equal. D. If he drops away, as in no longer contacts you, please don't freak out and try to get him back into your life. If he drops away, let him go. That means it is not meant to be. If he drops out of your life, please please don't try to get him back into your life, ok? This is extremely important. I cannot stress how important this is, which is why I'm boldening all of this, because you should never ever compromise yourself or your body in order to try to keep someone into your life. If he truly loves you, he will wait for you. Again, if he stops contact or decides to move on without you, let him go and don't look back. That means God has someone else for you, ok? I am glad that he understood his selfishness and apologized, and I am glad he is respecting your family and your education. I am very glad that your family is not requiring you to be in an arranged marriage. God bless you. Edited June 17, 2011 by BetheButterfly
BetheButterfly Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 Now you are the one being selfish. You are keeping him around for 4 or more years for something that might not work out or you might not even want. No she's not. She's being wise. If he doesn't want to wait, he can go at any time, same as she can. He's being wise now too in not trying to rush her away from her family and education. Wisdom helps guard people from rushing headlong into disasters. The biggest hope for this relationship to work out is to have patience and get to know each other better, and establish trust, as well as hopefully showing the parents that they are mature and respectful of each other and of them too.
BetheButterfly Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 In 4 years time, everything which complicates the relationship now will be there then. They are delaying a cut and dry decision with no ambiguity. Things won't improve. If anything they'll be more into each other and the decision will become harder whether she picks him or her parents. She picked her parents now. In 4 years she'll still pick her parents. Then he will have waited around for nothing. 4-6 years wasted in waiting. There's a lot of factors at work here, and it really depends on the the people involved. Time does show a lot, and things can change over time, whether for better or for worse. Some of the factors are... Are her parents willing to get to know him? Is he truly changed from a past of violence? (People can change.) Is he truly willing to wait? (Only a few guys nowadays would wait.) Once they get to know each other better, would they truly want to get married, or is it just an infatuation now? Right now, they don't know each other well enough to make such a lifechanging decision. Running away together is truly a lifechanging event that is not a decision like deciding what clothes to wear in the morning.
Author sweetsarah Posted December 19, 2011 Author Posted December 19, 2011 Hey guys, a few months down the line and I am still here facing the same situation. So, I told my parents I would end it with him and I would keep my promise for a couple of days and would find myself tempted to talk to him. During my first semester in college, I was in an on and off relationship with this guy. He would come down to see me and I would sometimes see him at his house by taking the bus. At times, I felt like I was spending too much money. Paying for the hotels when he was staying with me, buying food, and buying bus tickets. He doesn't have a job. He is going to barber school. The rap career just came to a halt and we will see if he will start it again. He makes his money off of tips. I felt guilty because my parents were giving me that money to spend while I was at college on myself. However, I just let it go because I thought if I was in the same situation he is in, he would probably do the same for me. My parents looked at my bank statement and saw I was spending money on hotels, bus tickets, etc and were very very upset with me. My dad's health has deteriorated ever since I have been with my boyfriend. Everyone tells me I can do better, but a part of me believes no one can take his spot about the way he made me feel. Like in every relationship, we had our ups and downs. One time, we got into an argument because I didn't want him to smoke weed and he said he really wanted to. I was angry with him and he was angry with me. Anyway, I am trying to gain my trust back for good in my family and have not talked to him in a week. It is extremely hard getting over him. I just need some opinions and advice. Thanks
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 Hi Sarah, Your timing isn't so grand, given that this might be a nice time to be able to LOOK AROUND at how vast your social possibilities just became, at school. (unfortunately it is likely Christmas break, and you are caused to have time ALONE - which is the toughest to endure) GIVE yourself credit for having tried... and made all that effort at giving yourself TIME with him, when you did get to see him. You afforded him every CHANCE to be or become somebody. You showed more loyalty than before, for now having had to endure your first semester of college and more social possibilities all around you, while remaining loyal to your ex, is it? You gave yourself those chances no matter what your parents thought. I don't know how many boyfriends you've had to date, but there is a chance that while the attention from this one was warm and wonderful, you don't really have enough of an assortment of others to compare him to, and thus are not yet aware that OTHER GUYS can give you so much MORE of themselves. I love how you're sorting through this, and that you returned to your long-ago thread really lets you keep everybody who might respond in on the whole story. Good luck.
Author sweetsarah Posted December 20, 2011 Author Posted December 20, 2011 Thanks. Any more opinions?
CarrieT Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 Thanks. Any more opinions? Everyone is telling you that you can do better but you aren't listening to anyone but your gut; spending money that your parents gave you, believing he would do the same... I think you are incredibly naive and too young to really know better. Get your head back into school and maturing before spending your parents money on hotel rooms and bus tickets. Why are you enabling this guy? If he really wants to see you, he will find a way to come up with the money and take care of YOU -- not vice/versa. You are being used.
Author sweetsarah Posted December 21, 2011 Author Posted December 21, 2011 I know everyone has told me that there are a lot of red flags with this guy- due to his criminal background. It's been over a week since I broke up with him. Sometimes I wonder when he told me he loved me and that he would do anything for me was actually true. I really miss how we used to be goofy with each other and talk about anything. However, I realize that if I completely lose my family's trust, I probably won't be able to go to college. I love my family. I just really miss him. I tell myself that he is not right for me. I am going to college and he never even went to college. He can't find a job anywhere. But he told me he was going to start his own barber college and it would be a million dollar business. I realize I can do better, but I just wonder if everything he said was true.
FitChick Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 He's going to start his own barber college? I thought he was going to be a rich and famous rapper? The guy lives in a fantasy world. He is a loser. Men like that get desperate when they see they are getting nowhere fast and commit crimes or abuse the women in their life out of frustration. You would end up supporting him. You will find guys more like you in college, who actually have brains and a future. Go No Contact and hope he doesn't become a stalker or get you pregnant.
CocoaBrown Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 Hey guys, a few months down the line and I am still here facing the same situation. So, I told my parents I would end it with him and I would keep my promise for a couple of days and would find myself tempted to talk to him. During my first semester in college, I was in an on and off relationship with this guy. He would come down to see me and I would sometimes see him at his house by taking the bus. At times, I felt like I was spending too much money. Paying for the hotels when he was staying with me, buying food, and buying bus tickets. He doesn't have a job. He is going to barber school. The rap career just came to a halt and we will see if he will start it again. He makes his money off of tips. I felt guilty because my parents were giving me that money to spend while I was at college on myself. However, I just let it go because I thought if I was in the same situation he is in, he would probably do the same for me. My parents looked at my bank statement and saw I was spending money on hotels, bus tickets, etc and were very very upset with me. My dad's health has deteriorated ever since I have been with my boyfriend. Everyone tells me I can do better, but a part of me believes no one can take his spot about the way he made me feel. Like in every relationship, we had our ups and downs. One time, we got into an argument because I didn't want him to smoke weed and he said he really wanted to. I was angry with him and he was angry with me. Anyway, I am trying to gain my trust back for good in my family and have not talked to him in a week. It is extremely hard getting over him. I just need some opinions and advice. Thanks Girl what exactly do you need opinions and advice about? This goes beyond how your parents feel about him. This is more about the fact that he's just not good for you. You already know what you should do you just don't want to do it. I know it's hard but let me tell you right now: I would NOT be dating a no job having, weed smoking, once a wannabe rapper who is now attending barber school guy. You sound like you have your stuff together and you are attending college. You need to stay focused. Here you are spending money you're supposed to be spending on yourself while attending school and where is it going to get you? Nowhere! He can afford to be all over the place because you are there to support him every step of the way. And do you really think he would be there for you if you found yourself in the same situation? Really? You can ask for advice until you're blue in the face, but the answer is going to remain the same....Get rid of him! Sometimes the best thing to do is the hardest thing to do. It took me forever to get rid of my ex so I know this is easier said than done, but don't waste years of your life dealing with someone who isn't worth it like I did! And you're right you will probably never find someone who made you feel like he did because guess what? Until you get rid of him no one else will have the chance to come into your life! At the end of the day you are going to do what you want to do. Until you see you are worth more you will stay in the situation. I hope for your sake you make the connection sooner then later.
Author sweetsarah Posted December 21, 2011 Author Posted December 21, 2011 He said he's going to establish his own barber school and do his "rap ****" on the side later on. I don't understand why I can't get over him. I know he is not right for me and I can find someone who is much more educated. I just keep remembering the good times we had. I am trying so hard to not contact him and I've been strong and haven't.
CocoaBrown Posted December 21, 2011 Posted December 21, 2011 He's going to start his own barber college? I thought he was going to be a rich and famous rapper? The guy lives in a fantasy world. He is a loser. Men like that get desperate when they see they are getting nowhere fast and commit crimes or abuse the women in their life out of frustration. You would end up supporting him. You will find guys more like you in college, who actually have brains and a future. Go No Contact and hope he doesn't become a stalker or get you pregnant. I sooooo agree!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 He said he's going to establish his own barber school and do his "rap ****" on the side later on. I don't understand why I can't get over him. I know he is not right for me and I can find someone who is much more educated. I just keep remembering the good times we had. I am trying so hard to not contact him and I've been strong and haven't. Sarah, Try to separate the individual that is "him" (with all of the dreams and the questionable realities) from the absolute splendor that is your unique investment IN him. YOU got to witness yourSELF perfectly willing to give your all toward putting your relationship FIRST, yourself second, and him third... and it was darn fun and rewarding to feel yourself so genuinely concentrating on something which had the potential to better your life. (JUST as any other future relationship, with any random-to-you-now guy, has the potential to better your life) You felt yourSELF in a giving, selfless mode, and you felt so exposed and vulnerable and you loved it. (rightfully so) While enjoying your reaction to what was your own vulnerability and growing trust, you tended to credit HIM the individual for that, when it really originated, and was m-m-m-m-mostly contained within YOU. Now if you could only duplicate that effect with a guy that you could be confident would want to be there with all his being, and would give equally TO the relationship as you are now clearly capable of doing, then you'd have the dream...
kassy Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 Why don't you consider to have a two or three year break. If after two years you both want to see where it goes, then that's great you can try it again. In that time go no contact. I'm dating a muslim guy (who is 34, a fantastic fun down to earth guy, has a masters in mathmatics, speaks 5 languages fluently and works in a bank) He doesn't drink or eat pork, does ramadan and is a good muslim generally (well except for us dating but that is a whole other story). The kind of guy your parents hope you will meet no doubt. And there is no reason why you can't meet someone like him who you also are attracted to. Anyway this isn't about me, but since from what I understand from my boyfriend, you are lucky that your parents are willing for you to find someone to marry yourself with their approval. Why don't you take a break from this guy who everyone but you seems to think is bad news and go spend a few years actively trying to get to know some guys who do tick all the boxes and see if any sparks fly with them? I don't know given the whole no dating in Islam thing how you go about doing that, but I am sure you would know, or your parents.... maybe ask your parents to help you meet (not marry) more suitable men, involve them in this, and it will be one way to help gain back their trust. And another thing, my boyfriend is fantastic and we have a wonderful time together but we have come to the conclusion that our religious differences are too big to make anything long term work if we had children which we both want. So while if it wasn't for religion I think there is a good chance I'd want to spend the rest of my life with him, we will probably mutually break up in the next few months. There are deal breakers in life, and sometimes you appreciate what you have had and enjoy it for a time then wish the other person well and move on to find what is more suitable for you. He's an amazing man and will be a superb father, just not to my children. Maybe you should consider your experience to play a similar role in your life. I think among the many other things that are wrong with this guy you are dating is he isn't muslim... when dating someone that isn't a big deal... but when it comes to raising children its a whole other ball game! Think about it!
Author sweetsarah Posted December 22, 2011 Author Posted December 22, 2011 I am trying my best to get over him. It's just random songs and places that just keep reminding me of him. Today he sent me a message saying "bruno mars- it will rain" as an indication of how he feels. I didn't reply back to him. I see that for some people it's so easy getting over breaks ups and its always extremely hard for me. I just wish he never had a criminal background and had a job and was educated so my parents would approve of him.
Author sweetsarah Posted January 12, 2012 Author Posted January 12, 2012 I miss him so much lately and I know I cant contact him
Lucky_One Posted January 12, 2012 Posted January 12, 2012 Sarah, what is it that you miss? The man that you THOUGHT he was? The man that you HOPED he would become? The man that he PROMISED he was? None of those men exist. Everyone tries to be the perfect person in the beginning of a relationship. What you saw in the beginning was a facade, an ephemeral glimpse of a 8 year old boy before he threw his own life away willingly in a web of drugs, violence and general ghetto behavior. But the man you see now (and you haven't even begun to see the entire man - it takes YEARS for people to really know each other, and even then there are still secrets) is the man he really is. A man who breaks promises, a man who lies, a man who can't even support himself much less pay your tuition. People do need dreams and hopes in order to thrive and grow in our lives. But you can't put YOUR dreams and hopes onto someone else and expect them to come true. You make your own happiness by making your dreams come true. And he has been depending you for money, for companionship on a few weekends, for his own dream that he was going to score a rich naive virgin that he could control. A million dollar barber school. That is so ludicrous that it makes me want to cry that you could even listen to that without laughing in his face. You should be back in school by now. You can look for activities that can help fill the empty times that tempt you to contact him. You can concentrate on your studies (how was your GPA last semester?). You can find a circle of friends who share your interests in learning, in clean living, in exploring the beautiful and exciting world before us. So - give me 3 things you can DO to start your path forward without this loser dragging you down into a dirty world. What are they?
Author sweetsarah Posted April 22, 2012 Author Posted April 22, 2012 Hey Lucky One, I have not been on here for a while because I got back together with him and horrible things happened. First of all, he told me to not talk to one of my guy friends that he had never met or talked to- and I wasn't going to stop talking to him because he didn't do anything wrong. So my bf found out I was still friends with him and he pushed me and slapped me-while I had gotten my wisdom teeth surgery that week. He told me it was hard for him to trust me. He also "claimed" he felt bad for hitting me and wouldnt do it again. However, that was not the case. He continued doing it about four more times. The last time he hit was because he saw my test grade and told me I had not told him my "real" grade. Instead, a few weeks before he had asked me for my grade and i told him-my grade with the curve, which is the grade going in the gradebook. So he thought it was a form of lying and he slapped me on my face. I tried calling the police and was yelling for help and he had broken my phone into pieces. He claims that he would never had put his hands on me if I didn't have a "****ed" up way of answering questions and going about things. For example, he thinks its messed up for me to answer my phone outside a study/help desk because I am trying to hide something-when I just don't want to disturb people sitting in there. Anyway, I filed a report on him to the police the next day after the incident. Did I do the right thing? Was he right about what he said when he was trying to justify him slapping me?
matte123 Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 (edited) Sweetsarah, this is a very serious situation and you need to get out of the relationship fast before his violence escalate even further. You did the right thing filing a police report on him. There's no justification for violence in your situation. It's just an abusive relationship. Maybe the links (below) will help? I would suggest bringing a friend or more with you if you break up with him in person. Once you break up with him, please watch out for your own safety. Also do not get back with him again no matter what he tries to do. How To End An Emotionally Abusive Relationship | LIVESTRONG.COM http://www.livestrong.com/article/9177-end-abusive-relationship/ Edited April 22, 2012 by matte123
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