sweetsarah Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 I have talked to family and friends about my situation and I just need an outside opinion. First of all, I am an eighteen year old muslim girl and I am in love with a guy who is seven years older than me. He is half indian and half black. I am very intrigued by his culture, however my family wants nothing to do with him. He has had a background that he is not proud of and was in jail for six years, but that experience has caused him to become the amazing person he is today. He loves me unconditionally and ALWAYS goes out of his way to make me feel like the happiest woman in the world. As my mom and my sisters found out, they completely disapproved and said they wanted me to focus solely on school. I respect their decision and my dream is to become a successful and educated woman in the future. My boyfriend told me that he wants nothing else for me to succeed and I have never had anyone care for me the way he does. My dad is very strict and I know he will never ever accept it. My mom told me that when my dad finds out he will disown me, take away my education, and take drastic measures to make me stop whatever I am doing. I am stuck in a situation whether I might lose my family, who I love dearly and who has been through everything with me. I could never ask for a better family. Or I can lose a guy who loves me unconditionally and loves me more than his life. I honestly don't know what to do and I sincerely need your advice and your opinion.
Queen Zenobia Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 A couple of questions: 1) Where do you live? The U.S.? Or elsewhere? 2) Are you going away for college? I am an Arab (although not Muslim) and have seen many friends and former classmates go through very similar situations. Parents can sometimes be very stubborn about these things, even though they think they're only looking out for their children's best interests.
Feelsgoodman Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 I have talked to family and friends about my situation and I just need an outside opinion. First of all, I am an eighteen year old muslim girl and I am in love with a guy who is seven years older than me. He is half indian and half black. I am very intrigued by his culture, however my family wants nothing to do with him. He has had a background that he is not proud of and was in jail for six years, but that experience has caused him to become the amazing person he is today. You can't possibly be that naive??? 1
youngskywalker Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 (edited) Sorry you have to go through this. Keep one thing in mind though. SOMETIMES people around you can see a bad situation when you can't because you're blinded by love. Haven't you seen other couples that have failed and the whole time you were thinking "they have no chance"? I have. If your family is against him because of ethnic or religious reasons I say go ahead and do your own thing. For all other reasons please consider their opinions. Edited June 13, 2011 by youngskywalker
Author sweetsarah Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 I live in the U.S. Today my mom was very disappointed and told me that she has suffered all her life because of her mother in law. And now, as her daughter I am disappointing her and she felt like there was no reason to live. I am stuck between two worlds. Either I can continue to make my family happy or sacrifice my happiness. I wish they would just give him a chance to show that he is willing to do anything for me. My mom is judging his background and believes because of his background he is going to try to use me and hurt me. From the way I know, I know he will never do anything like that. My sisters are always listening to my conversations outside my door and that is how they found out about my boyfriend. They simply stood outside my door and heard everything. I feel like I have no privacy at home and I can never get anyone to realize that if I'm happy, that they should be happy for me. I am adult now and I have the right to make my own decisions and if this is a mistake, I will learn it with time. Please give me some advice.
Author sweetsarah Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 Also, I love my family so much and whenever I leave the house I always have to lie. I hate doing it so much, but that is the only way I can see him and actually live my life a little rather than staying at home under their supervision.
proactivedreamer Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 The best advice I can offer is DO NOT sacrifice your education or your chance at a promising future for a man. You are in love-I get it, but it would be in your best interest to secure your future before voicing dissent in regards to your parents belief's. Once you get your education, you will be in a position to do what you wish in terms of romantic relationships, but I would not pursue anything serious with this young man just because he makes me "feel" a certain way. That can all be gone in a flash. I am speaking from personal experience. Do not throw away your chance at a quality education. I am not saying that this guy is not worth the trouble but you have to see the bigger picture. You may not understand it now, but you will one day. If I was in this position, I would keep the relationship light and fun, and just concentrate on my studies. You will have plenty of time to fall in love. That's my two cents...by the way, I am 25.
proactivedreamer Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 I live in the U.S. Today my mom was very disappointed and told me that she has suffered all her life because of her mother in law. And now, as her daughter I am disappointing her and she felt like there was no reason to live. I am stuck between two worlds. Either I can continue to make my family happy or sacrifice my happiness. I wish they would just give him a chance to show that he is willing to do anything for me. My mom is judging his background and believes because of his background he is going to try to use me and hurt me. From the way I know, I know he will never do anything like that. My sisters are always listening to my conversations outside my door and that is how they found out about my boyfriend. They simply stood outside my door and heard everything. I feel like I have no privacy at home and I can never get anyone to realize that if I'm happy, that they should be happy for me. I am adult now and I have the right to make my own decisions and if this is a mistake, I will learn it with time. Please give me some advice. I think it's justifiable for your mother to be wary of someone with a criminal history;however, as you say, he has reformed himself,so she should trust your discretion a bit more. It's a complicated situation. I am coming from a different perspective because I have been in love, had my heartbroken, made some bad decisions, and sacrificed some opportunities to advance myself because I was so enthralled by a guy(s). I think you just need to find an appropriate balance. If this was me two or three years ago, I would say follow your heart, but I am less inclined to say such things to people in my peer group. I say always be OBJECTIVE. Don't get swept away because there will be a time for that. You are 18, and there will be a time to give a relationship,such as this one, the attention it needs. Focus on yourself in the meantime. I promise it will be worth it...
Queen Zenobia Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Also, I love my family so much and whenever I leave the house I always have to lie. I hate doing it so much, but that is the only way I can see him and actually live my life a little rather than staying at home under their supervision. Is it because they don't want you to date at all? Or because he's not Muslim? There are two issues here. One is with this guy in particular. It is distinctly possible that he's not as good a guy as you think. It is also possible that he is a good guy, but you won't end up spending the rest of your life with him. People change, you're both young and you might end up with someone else (even though you probably don't want to hear this right now but it's true). The other issue is with your parents. They should not let their fears govern how they parent you. They have to let you have some kind of autonomy. Are you going away for school or are you staying home?
Author sweetsarah Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 I am going to college in august a few hours away from home. I see where you and my parents are coming from. Yes, I am eighteen and he is twenty five. He knows that this is what he wants in his life. And I'm stuck here in this situation where I know I want to be with him, but I also don't want my parents to disown me and I want them and my sisters to continue loving me the way they have. I know I can't make everyone happy. I come from a very different culture and background from his as well. What my mom was also stressing. I have never done drugs, sex, etc. I have always been a straight A student and I graduated with honors. She believes that he is completely below my standard and is somewhat discriminatory towards black people. At the moment I feel like I am being guided by emotions and I am forgetting about the feelings of my family and I am hurting them and losing my trust. I've always been so sheltered and had only one other boyfriend, which I had to keep from them also. I am simply tired of being treated like a kid and I want them to trust my opinions. Right now my dad does't know about the situation and my mom is constantly threatening me that if I don't end it with my boyfriend, then she will tell him and he will handle you from there on.
Feelsgoodman Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 I think it's justifiable for your mother to be wary of someone with a criminal history;however, as you say, he has reformed himself,so she should trust your discretion a bit more. Yeah, I'm sure he did You don't go to jail for six years for stealing a candy bar from a 7-eleven. We are talking serious crime territory here...things like armed robbery or dealing drugs. People like that rarely change.
Author sweetsarah Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 I know he truly loves me though and in the future he wants to get married to me after I am done with school. He said he would break his back to get me through school if my parents decide not to help and he is willing to dedicate his entire life to me. Your opinions?
Feelsgoodman Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 I know he truly loves me though and in the future he wants to get married to me after I am done with school. He said he would break his back to get me through school if my parents decide not to help and he is willing to dedicate his entire life to me. Your opinions? I think you should ignore what your parents are telling you and take your new pimp...I mean boyfriend at his word.
youngskywalker Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 My mom is judging his background and believes because of his background he is going to try to use me and hurt me. From the way I know, I know he will never do anything like that. The truth is, your mom has every right to judge him because of his background. I have several friends who went through prison. They came out (for the most part) the same. Prison doesn't rehabilitate anyone. Most come out worse than when they went in. Would you share what his conviction was? I think that plays a BIG part in it.
Author sweetsarah Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 So I should continue lying to my parents to see him and feel guilty about it? But also make myself happy and be with him? I am stuck in a very hard situation.
irc333 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 You can't possibly be that naive??? Yeah with the 6 years in jail thing, that would be problematic normally for ANY member of the family. Esp if the father was in law enforcement.
Author sweetsarah Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 Should I cut down the phone calls at home and not make everything so obvious and let everyone know that me and him are friends, but really we aren't and just see where things go from there?
proactivedreamer Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Yeah, I'm sure he did You don't go to jail for six years for stealing a candy bar from a 7-eleven. We are talking serious crime territory here...things like armed robbery or dealing drugs. People like that rarely change. That is the problem right there. People need to be held accountable for their wrong doing, but we have to believe and trust in other's capacity to transform their lives for the better. I don't think its fair to sum up his character in this way. We all have to believe and trust that everyone can undergo a revolution of character. That's how I see humanity...that's the faith I have in humanity. In regards to Sweet Sarah, we, unfortunately, live in a world in which people see things or others as absolute. To your mother he must absolutely be criminal and unable to create an honest life.Your mother has preconceived notions and prejudices that she has not been willing to confront and doesn't know how. We all have to be careful to not let our prejudices conquer are ability to see the good in others, no matter where someone comes from. People don't truly understand the desperation that is born out of poverty and lack of moral authority...anyways I digress...
coffeeaddict Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 All I know from what you've said is that he's a 25 year old jailbird and is dating a girl who just graduated High School. I think the statistic is 80% of ex-cons end up back in prison. That's not enough for me to make a determination that he's a definitely bad guy, but it's enough for me to understand your parents reaction. Sexual attraction and love comes from the limbic system, that's the emotional part of your brain, it's unaffected by rational/logical thought. Think about the female astronaut who drove 1000 miles wearing a diaper and carrying a BB gun and pepper spray, not rational lol. Giving up your education and alienating your family for this man is an example of the same phenomenon. Consider the possibility that they may be seeing something that you're not capable of seeing at present because you're lovesick. Your family's not your enemy, and at the end of the day your family's always going to be your family, your connection to them is in the stars, whereas relationships come and go.
RovingReporter Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Do not, I repeat, DO NOT sacrifice your future, family and friends for a former convict. Chances are he'll be going back anyway.
musemaj11 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Just date him, its okay. But dont marry him or HAVE ANY BABY WITH HIM! Just wait around 5 more years. By then chances are you wouldnt like him anymore.
spiderowl Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 (edited) You are young, only 18. He is much older than you. You have not had the experience of life to be able to judge whether someone is of sound character or not. I don't say that to mean you are stupid, just that you have not been through the tough and painful experiences that some of us have. Let's just take this guy you want so much: - He's much older than you - what is he doing chasing an 18-year-old girl? What does that say about his judgment? He must also know your parents would object - what does he say about that? How is he advising you to deal with your parents? - He's been in prison for 6 years. That is a long time. If you take into account that most prisoners get parole which reduces their sentence by about 1/4 to 1/3, then he could have been in prison for even longer. He must have done something pretty bad to be in prison that long. What exactly has he done? Why do you think he is reformed? - How did you get to know this guy? Who approached who? How old did he think you were? - You say he has your best interests at heart and only wants the best for you. Why do you think that? Is it because of his behaviour or because of what he says to you? Believe me, some guys will say anything to try to convince a woman of their good intentions. You need to look at his actions, not what he says. What is the evidence of these good intentions? What would he do if your parents threw you out? So, a few questions about him then. I can completely understand how difficult it must be at home for you. You have hidden this from your family, presumably because you know they'd disapprove. They might be wrong to not consider your opinions but they will be very worried and fearful. Your father may overreact. It is of concern that you are facing this situation. It seems to me it must be very stressful for you. I think you are going to have a hard time convincing your parents that this guy is good for you, particularly with his record. I fear that your father may push you to make a decision too. It would not be wise, as I feel you need to find out for yourself whether this guy is the decent guy you believe him to be, but fathers aren't always rational and he will worry about your guy's record. Maybe you could look at finding some social housing and financial support nearby if you were to leave home? It might be worth enquiring at an advice agency. At least you would know what other options you had if your parents forced you to choose between them and him. I really hope you will stick at your schooling because if any of it falls through - him, your parents - you will need to have your qualifications to make a life for yourself. I wish I could be more optimistic but I fear that you will not choose your parents over him. I fear that your father will not seek to find a way to suit you all, but I may be wrong. Your mother is probably your best ally. Can you talk to her and ask her to influence your father? I think she could but she'd have to be strong too. She would also have to be convinced about your guy. It is really up to you to explain to her that he is a good guy and why. Give her examples. Tell her things he's said that persuaded you he meant well. Give examples of how he is building up a life outside of prison - a job, for example, voluntary work, anything that will show him in a positive light. I think you have a hard task ahead. I also think you may regret it if you choose your lover over the security and opportunities you have now. The best way would be to gain your mother's support or at least understanding. Good luck! Edited June 14, 2011 by spiderowl
Lucky_One Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 If this guy loves you and wants you to succeed so badly, he will REFUSE for you to lie to your parents; he would never jeopardize your life with your family or your education. Try to find situations where your BF (and I use the term loosely, bc if I thought my child fo 18 was dating a 25 year old who just got out of prison for SIX YEARS, I would put him/her in a convent/monastery) can get to know your parents in a social or casual or work situation. If your father's company needs workers, encourage your BF to apply for a job there, and encourage your father to please hire a friend of yours. (Unless, of course, a felon can't work at your father's place of business.) Get your dad to hire him to cut your grass or something. To paint the porch. To build a fence. To put in an irrigation system. Try to find a situation that your parents can (gag) find the good in this man that you say that you love. But do not lie. Do not go behind their backs. And if push comes to shove and if you really believe that you love this man enough and if you really believe that he will help you (legally) no matter what happens in your future, then you may have to take a stand against your parents and move out on your own and pay for your own life and education.
alexlakeman Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 As an older adult, I say listen to your family and run, forget him and his criminal background.. not enough time has passed from his past to be able to say that he is completely done with crime.. dump him... Your family knows best in this instance... Plus you are going to school and he doesn't.. you need someone on the same page as you. You don't want to end up with a fugitive from the law later in life...
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