couldve Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Hi There, Just looking to gain a few opinions on my dilema. I was in a five year relationship with my ex husband, only one of which we were married. We were separated for about two years before we got divorced. Its now been about ten months since its been official. He tried to get me back numerous times, and was very reluctant to get divorced, but I was so angry at the time I wouldnt listen to him. I have always thought of him on a regular basis and we have had some contact but havent been able to establish a friendship due to the degree of hurt feelings that both of us have. Just recently it was our wedding anniversary and I thought I would be able to handle it, but suprisingly I was beside myself, and really hurt. That week I ran into him twice totally by coincidence and decided we should have a lunch. So we did, and it was very emotional for both of us. I devulged my regret of things i had done wrong which i have never been able to do before and he was thankful to hear it. He said that he would still consider trying to work our reltaionship out if I was willing... The problem is... that shortly after we separated I began to date, and I am currently in a relationship with a wonderful person. He is many things that my ex isnt, but cant give me things my ex could. I also over the term of our year and a half relationship have been subjected to the same kind of treatment that I gave to my exhusband and have now been on the receiving end and see how hurtful I was. Nothing extreme just the little things.. This turned my anger and resentment into regret and the realization that I was too stubborn, selfish and immature to see what I had and to listen to his reason. I cant shake these thoughts for my ex in the back of my head, they are always there.. and i thinking that maybe after all this time maybe i made the wrong choise. I just have no idea what to do.... I dont want to hurt my current boyfriend
worldgonewrong Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 hmmmm.... how long have you been dating this other guy?
worldgonewrong Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Oh jeez. Well, another question: are you two living together??
worldgonewrong Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Then, speaking for myself, I would not ditch him and flip back over. It sounds - just on the surface - that you're looking for happiness. Period. And the happiness you're not getting from the boyfriend, you somehow think will come from the ex. Just because he's over there and now looks sort of better compared to the reality of your current relationship. If you go over to the ex, you're still going to be hit by the reality and natural unpleasantness that comes from just being in a relationship -- and I betcha you'll end up looking over your shoulder again. Look at what you currently have and evaluate how much you respect and honor that commitment. Because if you can toss the boyfriend overboard, then you could surely toss the ex overboard again and break his heart again. Don't complicate things. This could get unnecessarily messy. My 2 cents.
Author couldve Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 (edited) thanks for your opionin. My commitment to my current BF other that being bf and gf, infact the guy never wants to get married... or anything like that. I see what you are saying about the unhappiness of a relationship and I realize that, I just wish it could be with someone who actually wanted the commitment of marraige. Maybe i should just wipe the slate clean all together... Edited June 13, 2011 by couldve
Soxfaninfl Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Are you even in love with your bf? Were you ever in love with him? Also why doesn't your bf want to get married?
Donewrong Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I may be wrong but from your post it looks like you didn't take much time for yourself after your seperation before you got involved in another relationship. Maybe you need time to be alone and see what really makes you happy...find yourself so to speak and start by making yourself happy. You need to be happy with yourself first and foremost.
Mr.Harris Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 So you cheated and left him, and now you want him back, considering that you have a BF that you're living with. Bouncing around is no good, ma'am.
Author couldve Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Mr Harris, I don't know where u got cheated part from?!?! That is not what I said at all, nor is that what happend
Mr.Harris Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Mr Harris, I don't know where u got cheated part from?!?! That is not what I said at all, nor is that what happend Cheating is what happened. Not "dating."
Author couldve Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 U don't kno me or what u are talking about! If I cheated I would have said so. If you don't mind I'm looking for real opinions and not judgements, projections or assumptions from someone who doesn't know me!
What_Next Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Saying we do not know you is about as obvious as saying the sun will rise tomorrow... Of course we don't. This is an anonymous public forum. That always amazes me when I read this logic. Mr. Harris is obviously incorrect in his assumptions. As for your case I agree that perhaps you didn't take enough time between the breakdown of your first relationship and entering into your second one. I think you need to talk with your current BF and explain this to him, he deserves it.
Donewrong Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I think you need to talk with your current BF and explain this to him, he deserves it. I agree. He should be informed. He does deserve to know the truth. You shouldn't feel bad about this..If he came into the relationship with eyes wide open about your situation, just seperated, he must have known the risk involved. Either case. You need to be honest with them both. The only thing you should feel bad about is not being honest with the BF and Xhusband and not giving yourself time to figure out what you really need and want. You seem to be quite confused. Take the time away from them both. You'll think much clearer when you don't have them pulling on you from different directions.
Author couldve Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Thank you for the responses. I didnt go into to dating after being separated expecting anything to come out of it. When I met my BF it was kind of a snowball effect and yes he did know my situation right off the bat... I never expected to be sitting here a year and half later still contemplating the relationship and my previous one. Although he fully knew my situation he has never let me openly discuss my feelings around it which is why it probably took so long for all of this to surface. My Bf and I want different things, and I do agree he deserves a conversation about this, although I have no idea how to approach it. Anyone have any suggestions?
Donewrong Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Just sit him down and tell him exactly what you feel. Honest and open. If he never let you openly discuss your feelings...why did you stay so long? If he don't want to discuss it openly now..I think the answer is simple...move on without the BF. Not much a relationship if you can't discuss major things in your life like your previous marriage right? That being said don't pull your X back into it until you are sure you know what you want. 100%
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