celldweller454 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Hello. I'm 33 and my wife is 26. She's bi polar and won't take medication because she says they make her feel worse and won't talk to anyone because she says she doesn't need someone to tell her she has issues. We've been married for 31/2 years and been together for 6. I don't use facebook or any of those websites (I can't stand them) however my wife does....a lot My wife has been acting a little distant the past few weeks and recently I found out from a friend that my wife had made a comment about wanting someone to text her and later guess people do pay attention some co workers responded with saying he doesn't know what he's missing and does that mean he did? let me know. A friend of mine told me about it that is on her friends list. So anyways upon finding out about it I confronted her and she claims not to understand why her co workers wrote those comments and that she was wanting a guy from work that travels out of state to Iowa (that's where she's from originally) on the weekends to pick her up something from a restaurant that she loves. I didn't buy it but that was pretty much what she was going to stick with and proceeded to tell me that she had no desire for an affair or leave or anything. Okay it might have been innocent but it doesn't add up at all. later that night she was talking about her friend was wanting to have a girl's night in which they drink and she will just stay the night over there. This is a new friend she met at work recently and I haven't gotten to meet her yet. same one that posted the comment asking if he did text her. I just tend to think that if an affair is to happen it would very well happen then especially when her friend seems to support the decision for texting someone else. The next day she was texting and I asked her who and she said it was one of her co workers wanting her to go to a movie with her. She didn't end up going but supposedly her co worker text her all through the movie. The whole weekend things were good between us and she actually talked to me and joked with me constantly. I stooped to an all time low for me and put a keylogger on her computer to get her facebook password to see exactly what is going on for myself. I got her password and uninstalled the key logger for fear of getting caught. Wrong I know but I'm at a point where I don't know what else to do when she won't tell me. There were comments on there from her saying this has got to be a joke but all I can do is ride out the excitement and another saying someone sometimes comes from totally left field and catches you by surprise. those were the most recent posted yesterday. Once again may be innocent but sounds fishy to me. I keep wanting to check her text messages as well but she takes her phone with her everywhere and I don't know how to operate her phone the few times she has left it for a few minutes. I'm not technical enough to understand touch screens I don't guess. She even takes it with her when she goes and soaks because she usually texts me while she's soaking. at this point my gut is telling me something is wrong but I can't prove it. The things I have brought to her attention I feel she is lying about. How can i get her to admit if something is actually wrong? I mean if there's a problem I want to save our marriage and not force me to end it over her having an affair or something like that. I feel like I'm a good husband. I take her out. buy her flowers here and there will randomly hug or kiss her. She's big on affection. She has openly admitted that I go through a lot but I'm always there for her. She has female problems as well caused by some cyst she had several years ago. When I try to initiate sex with her she's unwilling at one point saying she feels like she's going through menopause. A few weeks later when we finally did she started saying she usually wants sex but when I try to initiate sex since she's uninterested. For the distance and everything she just always says she's just tired but yet she can spend all this time on facebook and texting people when her husband is right beside her. All of it just seems odd to me. Any advice? Am I wrong in being suspicious here? sorry for the wall of text also just had a lot to say about the situation and maybe some stuff that probably didn't need to be said I dunno.
myjourney Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 (edited) I have bipolar disorder also and I know how difficult it can be to live with a person who has bipolar. I used to refuse taking my medicine. That is very common among bipolar patients, because it is hard to admit to have such a disease. There is a great book I can recommend you which was written specifically for the partner of a person with bipolar disorder. The book is designed to help partners overcome the unique challenges of loving someone with bipolar disorder. There are very helpful and supportive information , strategies and real-life examples in it. the name of the book is: "Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder" Julie A. Fast and John D. Preston, PSY.D. http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Someone-Bipolar-Disorder-Julie/dp/1572243422/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1307984131&sr=8-1 I think you are torturing yourself needlessly with this infidelity doubts and looks like you feel guilty invading your partners privacy too. That can damage your relationship a lot. If she is so much into Facebook, maybe she feel left out from life. Maybe you guys are not social enough. It is hard for me to say. About her PCOS problem, you should take her to an Endocrionolgist, because that can put quite a lot of stress upon a person. Please don't do things that you may be sorry later. How you would feel if she was the one suspecting you having an affair and did all those things to track your activities? Edited June 13, 2011 by myjourney
Author celldweller454 Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 I have bipolar disorder also and I know how difficult it can be to live with a person who has bipolar. I used to refuse taking my medicine. That is very common among bipolar patients, because it is hard to admit to have such a disease. There is a great book I can recommend you which was written specifically for the partner of a person with bipolar disorder. The book is designed to help partners overcome the unique challenges of loving someone with bipolar disorder. There are very helpful and supportive information , strategies and real-life examples in it. the name of the book is: "Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder" Julie A. Fast and John D. Preston, PSY.D. http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Someone-Bipolar-Disorder-Julie/dp/1572243422/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1307984131&sr=8-1 I think you are torturing yourself needlessly with this infidelity doubts and looks like you feel guilty invading your partners privacy too. That can damage your relationship a lot. If she is so much into Facebook, maybe she feel left out from life. Maybe you guys are not social enough. It is hard for me to say. About her PCOS problem, you should take her to a Endocrionolgist, because that can put quite a lot of stress upon a person. Please don't do things that you may be sorry later. How you would feel if she was the one suspecting you having an affair and did all those things to track your activities? I'll admit were not social enough. A lot of times I try to go out and she will say something to the effect of she doesn't feel like it. I do feel bad invading her privacy it's just I don't know what to do anymore. She has suspected me of having an affair before she just went and talked to her brother about it and a couple of months later asked me about it after going through a lot of my stuff. Which of course I wasn't and wouldn't. After finding out she had went through my files and stuff I just simply told her I'm open to her looking through anytime because I'm not hiding anything. I've been cheated on before by someone and know how bad it makes you feel. My wife left me a short time later for reasons I still don't understand honestly. Obviously worked it out and got back together.
reboot Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 If your gut is telling you something is wrong, pay attention to it.
YellowShark Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Dude. You are in for the ride of your life. Anytime she suspects you of something... it is her projecting. Find this book and find it fast. http://www.amazon.ca/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/157224108X It mainly covers what it's like to live with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder, but it DOES help understand, and coping with, living with someone who suffers from BiPolar Disorder. The two mental illnesses are often misdiagnosed for each other because they are so similar. good luck.
Author celldweller454 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 (edited) We had a long talk. She has been thinking about separating for a little bit. says she's not sure yet but that she needs a little space like a night out with the girls drinking and sleeping over there here and there. I told her I would be more comfortable dropping her off and picking her up when she was ready to come home. Trying to compromise. She said she doesn't know. She says that there is no one else and right now she's not considering divorce or anything that drastic but that she does need a little space but hasn't decided if she wants to separate or not. She said she feels like she needs to get on medication again for her disorder so maybe these thoughts will stop creeping in on her. I told her I believe she does also but the chances of her going to get them are slim to none. I also said maybe we need marriage counseling to help us sort it out. She shot that idea down real quick. She said she feels like she is getting lost in me like the line that separates her from me is blurry and she is getting confused on who she is (classic line if you ask me). She said that she loves me and wants things to work out but she just feels suffocated. I didn't really understand that when we usually talk on her breaks and she's home for roughly 3-4 hours before going to bed and then we have the weekends. I asked her how she would feel if I went out without her and stayed out all night. She said she had no clue how she would feel although personally I don't think she would like it at all. I told her things probably wouldn't get to this point if she would talk to me right away instead of bottling it up till she is overwhelmed. I told her that I feel like I'm security for her because she knows that I'm always there for her. She said she really doesn't understand why these things creep into her head because she has a great husband and our life isn't bad. her words. She said she's always expecting me to get tired of her and tell her to get out because that's what she expects of everyone to do. She also said she feels like she is too dependent on me like that if it wasn't for me she wouldn't be able to get anything on her own. So yah I dunno what's going on or what I should be doing right now Edited June 14, 2011 by celldweller454
Author celldweller454 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 dump her and get loosy goosy with some nice girl lol nah I couldn't do anything like that till divorce papers are signed I don't think
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 You do know it's her mindet, depression, BP that is driving her along, right? She MUST get help. She has to seek therapy and be on meds. This mental illness she has is a forever thing and it'll only get worse if she doesn't seek counselling and be on meds. Her flirting and doing whatever it is on fb is only a symptom of how she is inside.
dale_gribble Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 My sister has those similar female problems, but she never did anything inappropriate as that. This is BS, and you got to lock tha down quick.
nyrias Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 lol nah I couldn't do anything like that till divorce papers are signed I don't think Why not? If you are open about it, and that your intentions are clear, whether the papers are signed makes little difference. I would not put my life on hold just because of formality.
Author celldweller454 Posted June 15, 2011 Author Posted June 15, 2011 Why not? If you are open about it, and that your intentions are clear, whether the papers are signed makes little difference. I would not put my life on hold just because of formality. It's just not the way I am. I was raised as long as your married it's cheating. don't get me wrong if we separated I wouldn't wait and wait for her to file the papers or make up her mind I would end up doing it myself just so I can move on with my life. I love my wife and don't want our marriage to end but comes a point where I would have to take care of it. trying to finish talking her into getting the medication she badly needs. when she was a kid they wanted to put her on lithium to help her out but her mom was against as was she.
robf1971 Posted June 15, 2011 Posted June 15, 2011 It's just not the way I am. I was raised as long as your married it's cheating. don't get me wrong if we separated I wouldn't wait and wait for her to file the papers or make up her mind I would end up doing it myself just so I can move on with my life. I love my wife and don't want our marriage to end but comes a point where I would have to take care of it. trying to finish talking her into getting the medication she badly needs. when she was a kid they wanted to put her on lithium to help her out but her mom was against as was she. Dude, this BPD, health problems it's all an excuse. There are plenty of BPD r's etc who would never do this. You got no kids? Kick her to the kerb.
Author celldweller454 Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 Dude, this BPD, health problems it's all an excuse. There are plenty of BPD r's etc who would never do this. You got no kids? Kick her to the kerb. We got one kid. I realize it's an excuse for behavior and even people high on BPD are still capable of understanding right from wrong. Not being BP myself I do have trouble understanding some of it so I have been reading articles and such online and ordered the book that was posted above earlier in thread. I'm thinking about putting a voice activated recorder in her car to see if I can catch anything. If she's cheating I feel I need concrete evidence to prove it. Our cell phone company doesn't show texts or a call log on the website. I have noticed since I started putting space between us and doing my own thing she seems more concerned with what I'm doing. Don't know if that's good or bad. Got my membership at the gym renewed as well.
Author celldweller454 Posted June 17, 2011 Author Posted June 17, 2011 well she came home today and said she talked to her brother earlier and she was going to go stay with him and his wife. Said she thinks there's a 95% chance that divorce is what she wants. She said she misses the single life and not having to let anyone know where she is or what she is doing. She said she was going to give it a little time before filing the paperwork. It hurts a lot knowing that she's not here. I keep waiting for her to walk in the door but it doesn't happen. She said she swears on her mother's grave that there isn't anyone else involved and that she just wants to be single because in the past she's always jumped from relationship to relationship. Said she just wants to hang out with her friends some. Seems kind of a dumb reason to throw away a marriage in my opinion. She was texting me earlier. She text me to say she still had my Ipod in her bag. Which that lead into a conversation with her saying that I'm her best friend. I replied with "your my best friend also as my wife but when the divorce happens I have to be able to move on and right now I feel it would be too painful to remain friends" She just said she understood. I talked to her brother for a little while and he and I get along real well he said he thinks she will want to come back once this bi polar mood passes. he thinks I'm the best thing for her. I told him I think there is someone else involved and told him why and he said if there is she hasn't said anything to him about it. I know her brother really well and if he knew if someone else was involved he would tell me. So she's gone from a loving husband,a home,a bed & a car to sleeping on her brother's couch and having to get a ride to work in the mornings. The car was purchased prior to us getting married and without me she can't keep up with the payments so she left it here and hopes to be able to save up some money to buy herself a car because her credit is horrible. Really don't see how the grass is greener for her now. It's just really lonely here now and hurts without her here and I don't really know how to move on with my life or what to do from here. I don't even really know why I'm making this post outside of just something to do.
Bryanp Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 She is lying to you. The fact that she said she misses the single life says it all. She would not be talking about divorce if she had not met somebody all ready. All of a sudden she misses the single life? The message indicate that she is on a big time high because somebody else is paying attention to her. She wants to have some fun now without you watching over her. What a great role model for your child. You need to contact an attorney just to understand your options. I wish you luck.
Author celldweller454 Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 Well I now almost know the truth. She never gave me my ipod back so I text her yesterday that I was going to help my mom out in repairing the house she bought today and wanted my ipod to listen to and after 2 hours my wife never text me back. So I got curious and went over there to get it. I got there and her brother said she wasn't home but invited me in as usual. I asked where she went and he said he didn't know she was gone the day before and just left a note while they were at work. One of his daughters came down and said she left with a guy. He yelled at her you don't know you weren't even here So I figure that he is covering for her or the girls (9 yrs old) had either seen the guy there before and just assumed...I dunno. He calls her to find out if she's got my ipod and she tells him she does. She then texts me saying I'm at Jenny's I won't be home till tomorrow after work her brother said he needed her to come over to get the house key because he will be at work still when she gets off. So I called him this morning under the guise of wanting to know if she got the key and left my ipod. He said no she didn't come by but left him a email on facebook saying she dropped by this morning but he was still asleep I told him there's no way she was at Jenny's then because 1) Jenny lives right near her job about 30 minutes away from her brother's 2) I have her car and I doubt her friend would want to get up to drive her down here...so that alone tells me she wasn't really at Jenny's So that's more suspicion so I checked her facebook. She had sent her brother a message saying she dropped by but you was still asleep. I'll be home after work. I don't know what time Brian gets off though...her brother was still half asleep when I talked to him after a long night of drinking so it might be possible he didn't see the last part but I doubt that's the reason So that pretty much sums it up for me that she is having an affair and her brother who I have felt would tell me if she was is covering up for her. So now I really need to try to dig harder to get hard proof and bring it to her I guess so that she can't lie to my face about it all. At least now I know why she all of a sudden wanted an actual separation instead of space. Strange thing to me is she still has her facebook set to that she's married. I would have figured by now she would have changed her status. I don't use facebook so she wouldn't have to worry about me seeing it by any means
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 So that pretty much sums it up for me that she is having an affair and her brother who I have felt would tell me if she was is covering up for her. So now I really need to try to dig harder to get hard proof and bring it to her I guess so that she can't lie to my face about it all. At least now I know why she all of a sudden wanted an actual separation instead of space. Strange thing to me is she still has her facebook set to that she's married. I would have figured by now she would have changed her status. I don't use facebook so she wouldn't have to worry about me seeing it by any means Seriously... I went pretty much through the same thing. I actually caught them in a hotel room together and she claimed they were "just talking". WTF You need to focus on taking primary custody of your child first. You cannot trust your wife's new BF... and she won't be taking care of your child at all while pursuing a new guy. I've seen similar situations where the woman takes off for a weekend w/BF and just leaves the kids alone. So... Unless proving an affair will help you in court... I'd say focus all of your engergy into Bum rushing her in the divorce. Otherwise she WILL bend you over a barrell... no matter how much you "think" she still loves you. She probably wants you dead.
Author celldweller454 Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 She's on her way over now. firs time she will have seen our kid since Friday and the reason she is coming over is to tell me she wants a divorce because I told her I deserved to have her say it to me and not through text. So I think I will keep it to myself for now and like you said get her in court. No way my child is going to go live in the kind of hell she is making for herself and those around her
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 She's on her way over now. firs time she will have seen our kid since Friday and the reason she is coming over is to tell me she wants a divorce because I told her I deserved to have her say it to me and not through text. So I think I will keep it to myself for now and like you said get her in court. No way my child is going to go live in the kind of hell she is making for herself and those around her Instead of focusing on proving the affair... you already know. Focus on finding anything that proves she is an unfit parent. It seems clear to me that you love your child and will do your best as a single parent. If you get custody you will likely not pay her alimony... but if she gets custody the court will RAPE you... and then she gets free reign to mindfu** your child until the age 18. Don't cut her off... give her as much time as she wants to be a parent... just make sure it's a situation you control. If she really cared about the child she would have done things very differently. She would not have started cheating before the divorce... and she would have focused on keeping a great amiable relationship with you.
Bryanp Posted June 20, 2011 Posted June 20, 2011 You need to do two things: 1. Contact an excellent attorney 2. Get tested for STD's. Your wife is a real piece of work. Good luck.
Author celldweller454 Posted June 20, 2011 Author Posted June 20, 2011 She didn't own up to an affair and I didn't bother mentioning it. She was actually the one who brought it up. The very little it was mentioned her face fell and she stared at the ground for a couple of minutes which as far as I'm concerned confirmed it for me. She said she is sure she wants a divorce but sure she will have regrets for doing it down the road. I said I know you will but by the time you realize it it will be too late. She asked if we could be friends because I have been her best friend for so long. I said at the moment I need to piece my life back together and look out for our daughter. I told her I won't deny you any right to come over here and visit anytime you want but I will be asking for full custody in court. Right now my main focus is making sure she is okay because she does not understand why her mother isn't around. I won't bad mouth you to her or anything like that so don't worry. I remained confident throughout the whole conversation and just said I won't deny her a divorce if that is what she wants and I'll be okay in the end. Was a very hard conversation to have honestly. I don't ever want to have another one like it. Got to start looking for a good attorney tomorrow. Now I just have to figure out how to put our lives back together...not going to be an easy road
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 Now I just have to figure out how to put our lives back together...not going to be an easy road Nothing in life worth having is easy. I applaud you for taking the high road! For what it's worth you have my respect.
OldOnTheInside Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 (edited) Her BD doesn't provide any form of justification for her actions obviously, but it is an undeniable influence. Having worked with the mentally ill in the past, I will say that irrationality isn't uncommon amongst those with BD. If you are still trying to understand why she is doing this, you're unlikely to find a satisfactory answer. Nonetheless, she is still entirely responsible for her own actions. You know, your story is similar in many ways to my own, although my ex-wife suffered from chronic depression which is a different beast entirely. She said she is sure she wants a divorce but sure she will have regrets for doing it down the road. I said I know you will but by the time you realize it it will be too late. She asked if we could be friends because I have been her best friend for so long. I said at the moment I need to piece my life back together and look out for our daughter. I told her I won't deny you any right to come over here and visit anytime you want but I will be asking for full custody in court. Right now my main focus is making sure she is okay because she does not understand why her mother isn't around. I won't bad mouth you to her or anything like that so don't worry. You're handling this well, certainly better than many other couples. You already have a plan, so now you need to stick to it. Has she still refused to take her prescribed medication? Her disease is likely to get worse... Edited June 21, 2011 by OldOnTheInside
Author celldweller454 Posted June 21, 2011 Author Posted June 21, 2011 Her BD doesn't provide any form of justification for her actions obviously, but it is an undeniable influence. Having worked with the mentally ill in the past, I will say that irrationality isn't uncommon amongst those with BD. If you are still trying to understand why she is doing this, you're unlikely to find a satisfactory answer. Nonetheless, she is still entirely responsible for her own actions. You know, your story is similar in many ways to my own, although my ex-wife suffered from chronic depression which is a different beast entirely. You're handling this well, certainly better than many other couples. You already have a plan, so now you need to stick to it. Has she still refused to take her prescribed medication? Her disease is likely to get worse... I would love to know why but like you said no amount of reasoning is really going to make sense to me. I'm just trying to not even think about it. I'm handling it well on the outside internally though I won't lie about it it's really taking a toll on me but I'm trying to stay focused on the most important thing right now and that being our child. Yes she still isn't taking any kind of medication so I'm sure this whole thing will just repeat itself in any other relationship she gets into. On an up note because I'm a glutton for punishment I took a look at her latest posts on facebook. Her status is still married and she made a post that said she wishes that whatever this thing inside of me that frightens everyone away would let her know peace and then another that says the world takes everything from her and leaves her on the side of the road. I'm thinking the OM might have broken it off already with her. I dunno though another thing I'm trying not to think about
Binster Posted June 21, 2011 Posted June 21, 2011 If the other guy has finished with her dont weaken and take her back. Im not saying once a cheater always a cheater but I think in her case history will repeat itself. Good luck mate.
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