ivyvine Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Well, I finally took the leap and left. I am posting under separation & divorce because although we were never oficially married it is as close to a marriage as I will probably ever be and this break up definitely feels like a divorce. Together almost seven years, moved twice and have three beautiful cats. I loved him more than anything but things have been going downhill for a while now. We have talked about it and while he feels things have changed on his end and he doesn't understand why I'm leaving, I feel things have continued to same way and after 2.5 years of the same issues I have fallen out of love. The timing could not be worse. He is currently studying for his first medical board exam and we had a trip (our first vacation together in seven years!!) to my homecountry planned. I have been emotionally disconnected from the relationship for a while and he sensed it. One thing lead to another and now I'm moving out temporarily. We have yet to decide who keeps the apartment, furniture, cats, etc. However, he will not be going on the trip we had planned, per my request, as I feel this will be a good time for NC and to analyze the situation and what we are doing. He is obviously hurt that I have "uninvited" him, but I just don't feel that it will help our relationship and I need some time with my close friends and family to analyze the situation and decide what it is we are doing. I care for him a lot, he is my best friend. However, our relationship has not been a romantic one in quite some time. I don't think he realizes that yet, but we had become more like good friends that sleep in the same bed than anything else. He is devastated and doesn't understand why I'm leaving. Seeing him hurt like this is making everything so much more difficult. I am confident that I made the right choice. I am no longer in love with him or physically/sexually attracted to him. But why do I feel so awful? I feel insanely guilty about "uninviting" him on the trip and about the fact that he always seems so sad. If I made the right choice, how long will I feel like I didn't? When will I start to feel normal again? Any one in similar situation have any advice?
Mauschen Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 I don't understand why you're leaving your best friend either. Why would someone leave their best friend?
AudentesFortuna Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Have you met someone else? Online or otherwise. I have only been here for a few weeks but everyone tells me the same. The whole "I don't love you anymore, I only see you as friend" is usually because there is someone else in the picture already.
Author ivyvine Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 Yes and no, Audentes. Yes, I am seeing someone else (kind of). But no, that is not the reason I feel this way. I have felt this way about my ex-partner since about a year ago and we have tried to work on it (mostly me) but it just has not gotten any better. In my situation my failing relationship is what lead to my seeing someone else. Not the other way around.
reboot Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 If you can't tell the truth to yourself, who can you tell the truth to?
coolheadal Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 You can't have two men in your life and that's not fair to your spouse. You feel guilty as you still don't know what you want yet. Just follow your heart and get your career going and get your grades up otherwise just be tearing you up inside. To me it's a tough to have the ex as a friend. Now that your done the deed of leaving him and getting the big D.
Donewrong Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Were you involved with this OM before you left your spouse? If so, maybe that is where these feeling you are now having are coming from. If that is the case, you should come clean with him. The feelings will start to fade once you are truthful to your spouse..that is the only way for closure. I agree with coolhead..you can't have 2 men in your life..but you can choose to be truthful and start with a clean slate.
What_Next Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 ivyvine, I obviously do not know you, but if I was a betting person I would have made a few dollars from your first post. AudentesFortuna took the words right out of my mouth in terms of asking you about another man. Like Donewrong has posted, are you 100% sure that your TRUE feelings for your current spouse are not clouded by your feelings for the affair partner? (by the way don't split hairs, it IS an affair). Go NC with them BOTH and figure out what you really want. Also you owe your spouse the TRUTH. Other than that I have no advice for you as you seem to be attempting justification and that is simply wrong, on any level.
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