Tough Situation. Not sure how to proceed.

[DVM3369]

Here's the deal. I met this girl on e-harmony about 2 months ago. She's 24 and I'm 30. In the beginning we exchanged e-mails for a while and finally met in person 3 weeks ago. There is definitely some awesome chemistry between us. We've been seeing each other regularly since. She has spent the night at my place a few times, and we've already slept together. Although we haven't agreed to be exclusive officially, neither of us are seeing or sleeping with anyone else. Sexual exclusivity was agreed upon early on.

 

A little background on her...she does have lot of guy friends (which I have absolutely no problem with) as she does not get along with other females. Anywho, last week she tells me that a guy friend of hers who's stationed in Guam on military duty had offered to fly her out for a visit. According to what she has told me, this guy and her go way back in a platonic friendship sense. He was married at one point, and the girl I'm seeing was very good friends with both him and his wife. Well, apparently he just recently became separated from his wife. He offered to pay $2000.00 to fly the girl I'm seeing and her kid out for a week long visit. Due to issues with her child, she's unable to take him along, so it would be just her traveling alone. Evidently, this guy is in a bad place mentally because he's just become separated and is feeling homesick because he hasn't been able to get military leave to see his friends and family, so this dude is pretty much stuck.

 

Here's the issue I'm having. I'm not jealous about her going to visit this guy, and I don't really have a reason not to trust her, however, I'm more concerned about what his motives are behind forking over $2000 for her plane ticket. To me, that seems like a lot of cash and nothing in this world is free. I'm questioning whether his intentions are good and harmless or if he's just flying her out in an attempt to get a piece. I'll be seeing her again this weekend, and at that time I would like to address my concerns with her because its kinda been bothersome thinking about all of this. I'm just wondering how I should approach this without coming off as being jealous or disrespectful. I respect her friendships and don't wanna do or say anything that might jeopardize the good thing that we have going, but at the same time, I feel this needs to be laid out on the table. Any opinions/suggestions would be greatly appreciated as I've never been in this situation before. Thanks in advance.

Edited June 13, 2011 by DVM3369

[novus69]

Sounds to me like she is just playing her options. I made the mistake in my last relationship not wanting to come of as jealous and did no task questions that I should have asked at that point....it would have saved me a lot of grief (not that I would have been told the truth but sometimes you just learn enough from the behavior that comes along with the answer....).

 

As far as the guy in Guam....you said it yourself already...the guy is willing to fork out $2000 for the plane ticket alone....that's just the ticket...why would he do that....to have someone to chat with about his "problems"?......he's separated, which is a big red flag in itself. There is probably a good reason why he is.

 

I don't know about the girl you're with, she's still young, may be she is naive and thinks this guy just needs a "friend"....however, if you and her were already intimate after seeing each other for 3 weeks...I would be a bit concerned since she goes "way back" with this guy, regardless if his wife was in the picture then....she's not now.....

 

Sorry for not having a more positive response. I honestly feel like if you stay with this girl you will end up getting hurt.

[DVM3369]

Sounds to me like she is just playing her options. I made the mistake in my last relationship not wanting to come of as jealous and did no task questions that I should have asked at that point....it would have saved me a lot of grief (not that I would have been told the truth but sometimes you just learn enough from the behavior that comes along with the answer....).

 

As far as the guy in Guam....you said it yourself already...the guy is willing to fork out $2000 for the plane ticket alone....that's just the ticket...why would he do that....to have someone to chat with about his "problems"?......he's separated, which is a big red flag in itself. There is probably a good reason why he is.

 

I don't know about the girl you're with, she's still young, may be she is naive and thinks this guy just needs a "friend"....however, if you and her were already intimate after seeing each other for 3 weeks...I would be a bit concerned since she goes "way back" with this guy, regardless if his wife was in the picture then....she's not now.....

 

Sorry for not having a more positive response. I honestly feel like if you stay with this girl you will end up getting hurt.

 

I do appreciate the response. She hasn't made any definite plans for this trip yet, so I feel this needs to be addressed before anything is set in stone. Mid-August is her target time frame for flying out there. Another thing I have considered is she could be just saying this to "test" my reaction. At first, I played things off as if I didn't care but the more and more I think about it, this really has my mind running in circles. I'm probably going to turn the tables on her when I approach this and ask her the hypothetical question of how would she feel if I had a female military friend who offered to fly me overseas for a visit and see what her reaction is. More importantly, i want to approach this tactfully and in a non-confrontational manner.

 

At this point, I'm just taking everything day-by-day with her. She's been very honest and upfront about her past history and friendships, so that's kind of eased my mind. Anytime she makes mention of a guy friend, she volunteers information on who he is and how she knows him. Also, she had a "friend with benefits" prior to meeting me. Once we started talking, she cut off all sexual contact with him. Apparently that dude got attached, became jealous and freaked out. They are no longer on speaking terms, so that's kind of a good sign. I'll just have to wait and see how this all plays out.

[oaks]

He'll be hoping for more than just a hug if he's flying her out there. Perhaps this hasn't occurred to her, and perhaps he doesn't know that she's seeing you. So, explain to her your concern about his potential motives and ask her if he knows that she's seeing you.

[vsmini]

Jesus H. Murphy - ANOTHER issue where a girl has a ton of guy friends. I'm a 28 year old female and let me tell you....that's weird.

9 times out of 10 it's for an ego stroke and I'm a Jury's still out kind of girl on the debate of: if guys and girls can really be friends.

 

Huge red flag:

A little background on her...she does have lot of guy friends (which I have absolutely no problem with) as she does not get along with other females.

 

Why doesn't she get along with other females? what's wrong with her that she can't get along with people from her own gender? Does she honestly think it's everyone elses issue with her?

Maybe it's because females can't give her the attention that she wants that she can get from men.

 

Me no likey.

[Star Gazer]

Any girl that has NO female friends because she "doesn't get along with females" and has only male friends, including those who are willing to spend thousands of dollars to see her............. Is waving a GINORMOUS RED FLAG.

[novus69]

I must agree with vsmini here ....I was in a reverse situation, my ex had hardly any guy friends but constantly talked about all the women he had and every time a woman hit on him...there was a good reason for it....he craved the attention of women to boost his ego....that is why our relationship ended...because he was constantly "seeking". He seemed very upfront in the beginning as well, telling me all about these relationships, how, why they ended....after a few months though the stories became inconsistent and it raised a lot more questions ....in the end I found out that he lied about just about all of it, just tried to portray this honest and trust worthy guy so I would trust him but it all fell apart when he could no longer support his "stories".

 

I'm not telling you that you're in a situation like that....but I would be very cautious as well if she says she can't get along with other females and has all these guy friends.

 

I'm on the old fashioned side anyway and not with the newer dating techniques, but anyone that admits to a "friends with benefits" would be another red flag to me as well.

[vsmini]

Ahh yes - men and their lady harem. Women are catching on and doing it too.

 

what an effing nuisance.

[tigressA]

Any girl that has NO female friends because she "doesn't get along with females" and has only male friends, including those who are willing to spend thousands of dollars to see her............. Is waving a GINORMOUS RED FLAG.

 

Agreed, x10,000. People who have issues forging friendships with anyone of their own sex are not those who you want to be in a romantic relationship with, period. One person of the opposite sex giving them attention is not even close to enough for them. I would walk away from this girl and never look back if I were you.

[ChessPieceFace]

Here's the deal. I met this girl on e-harmony about 2 months ago.

 

2 months = not a sufficient length of time to be able to really trust ANYONE.

 

She's 24 and I'm 30. In the beginning we exchanged e-mails for a while and finally met in person 3 weeks ago. There is definitely some awesome chemistry between us. We've been seeing each other regularly since. She has spent the night at my place a few times, and we've already slept together.

 

So she is obviously no paragon of virtue.

 

Although we haven't agreed to be exclusive officially

 

LOL I didn't even see this part at first. Are you serious about any of this post?

 

neither of us are seeing or sleeping with anyone else. Sexual exclusivity was agreed upon early on.

 

Uh, what? "We haven't agreed to be exclusive officially" "Sexual exclusivity was agreed upon early on" so you think she'd just like, date others but not have sex with them. Seems naive even in a vacuum.

 

a guy friend of hers who's stationed in Guam on military duty had offered to fly her out for a visit. According to what she has told me, this guy and her go way back in a platonic friendship sense. He was married at one point, and the girl I'm seeing was very good friends with both him and his wife. Well, apparently he just recently became separated from his wife. He offered to pay $2000.00 to fly the girl I'm seeing

 

out for sex. To have a week of sex. Hope she had fun having sex on her sex week, I doubt it will be the last.

 

Yeah, I have trust issues. I admit it. Nevertheless, you're ridiculous. I think you know the perfectly obvious, you won't admit it to yourself, and you're here looking for someone to throw you a rope of reassurance. It certainly won't come from me. The absolute BEST-case scenario would be that she is totally naive and this guy spent $2000 trying to get this girl in bed, and she turned him down. In that unlikely scenario, she would probably tell you about it if you asked. In all other scenarios I can imagine, your girl just went and did it with her military friend.

 

** Just noticed the trip hasn't happened yet LOL. I've just foreseen your future, all hail Jambi. XD

Edited June 13, 2011 by ChessPieceFace

[DVM3369]

from oaks He'll be hoping for more than just a hug if he's flying her out there. Perhaps this hasn't occurred to her, and perhaps he doesn't know that she's seeing you. So, explain to her your concern about his potential motives and ask her if he knows that she's seeing you.

This is why I'm going to bring this up the next time I see her. She very well may not realize that this dude could be expecting more than just a hug. I have already asked her if he knows about me, and she said it has been brought up in their e-mail conversations. Whether or not there's any truth to that could be a different story.

 

 

 

from vsmini

Why doesn't she get along with other females? what's wrong with her that she can't get along with people from her own gender? Does she honestly think it's everyone elses issue with her? Maybe it's because females can't give her the attention that she wants that she can get from men.

She believes other girls are nothing but drama. She has female friends, but is very selective in who she chooses to associate herself with. I've already introduced her to one of my female friends, and they got along great from the get go. Their personalities are of the exact same caliber, so that worked out great.

 

 

from Maliouhana

of course shes going out there to bang him. No guy is going to pay that much for a plane ticket just for company. Youre being fooled. lets be realistic. Maybe you believe that you two are exclusive but she doesn't

I know damn good and well we're not exclusive from the relationship side of things. In a sexual sense, we have both agreed not to sleep with anyone else. She feels it would be weird being a sperm dumpster for multiple guys, and I feel weird about the sloppy seconds thing. No, I'm not being fooled at all, which is why I intend on addressing this before she even makes plans to go out there. Just to let her know I'm on to the situation and I'm not just gonna let it go without saying something.

 

 

from Star Gazer

Any girl that has NO female friends because she "doesn't get along with females" and has only male friends, including those who are willing to spend thousands of dollars to see her............. Is waving a GINORMOUS RED FLAG.

Where in any of my postings above did I say that she has NO female friends? She does have some female friends but is very selective on who she hangs out with. Believe me, I do see the red flag waving around about the Guam trip, and I'm not gonna let it just pass by without voicing my concerns first.

[ConfusedGuy28]

Any girl that has NO female friends because she "doesn't get along with females" and has only male friends, including those who are willing to spend thousands of dollars to see her............. Is waving a GINORMOUS RED FLAG.

 

VERY VERY TRUE.

 

This girl sounds like trouble.

 

1) Who even says "yes" to letting someone spend $2000 on them for a plane ticket?

 

2) Is she looking to bang this guy and ask you to watch her kid? That would be disgustingly sick

 

3) She is definitely going to bang the guy

 

4) She is definitely going to bang the guy

 

5) End the relationship

 

----------

I was with a girl recently who swore up and down it was only her and me sexually. Turns out she was banging AT LEAST 2 other guys. And did she promise to be exclusive or use words like "I don't 'intend' to sleep with anyone else, that'd be weird"

 

I'd be very careful OP. Just my 2 cents. talking to her is good, but this early on it's very difficult to trust someone. Follow your gut, no matter what.

Edited June 13, 2011 by ConfusedGuy28

[NoReallyThatHappened]

Any girl that has NO female friends because she "doesn't get along with females" and has only male friends, including those who are willing to spend thousands of dollars to see her............. Is waving a GINORMOUS RED FLAG.

 

This. It's a huge red elephant running around the room

 

When a girl doesn't have female friends I wonder what is so wrong with her that other females steer clear.

[DVM3369]

1) Who even says "yes" to letting someone spend $2000 on them for a plane ticket?

She hasn't officially told this guy "yes", but the thought is dancing around in her head, which is why I need to get this off my chest before she does make any plans. On another note, I was talking to a few of my female friends about this situation, and they seem to think she might just be very good platonic friends with this guy based on what I've told them. She has no romantic history whatsoever with this dude as he's been married for years. All of them said they would drop what they're doing in an instant to support a friend in need, whether it be 4 hours away or overseas. Nonetheless, I'm still approaching this with extreme caution.

 

2) Is she looking to bang this guy and ask you to watch her kid? That would be disgustingly sick

It's only been 3 weeks, she isn't even comfortable introducing me to her child yet. Her ex would probably watch him.

 

3 and 4) She is definitely going to bang the guy

If she decides to go out there and do that...whatever. There's nothing I can do to stop it.

 

5) End the relationship

Depending on how things go when I bring this up to her, that very well may happen if she gets defensive and sh*tty

 

I'd be very careful OP. Just my 2 cents. talking to her is good, but this early on it's very difficult to trust someone. Follow your gut, no matter what.

Oh, I am. I'm one of those guys who believes trust is a good foundation for any potential relationship. You've gotta have a little bit to make things work, but I'm not gonna be too lax about it.

[DVM3369]

These are general statements. They do not apply to all women or men:

 

Girls are much harder to get along with. They tend to be suspicious and critical and if you're attractive it's even worse. They tend to gang up and love drama. Breaking into a new group is hard work and just not worth the effort. I hate "girly" activities.

 

Guys pretty much accept you right off the bat. They are easy to talk to and fun to be around. I share more of their interests and topics of discussion. I would rather shoot hoops with the guys at a barbeque than sit around chatting with the women.

 

Yeah, I kind of get that about people's statements on here, but it's good to see such diverse opinions about this and I appreciate everyone's feedback. She's kind of in the same boat as what you described. Even back in her high school years, she was always "one of the guys". Not necessarily in a tomboy sense, but she always interacted better with males. I'm kind of the same way. Proportionally, I have more female friends than I do male friends. I consider 4 of them to be my best friends. I have never slept with or otherwise had any romantic involvement with any of them. We're just very close in a platonic sense.

[thatone]

Even back in her high school years, she was always "one of the guys". Not necessarily in a tomboy sense, but she always interacted better with males.

great excuse.

[Intergalactic]

i agree with most people saying that it's weird if this girl really has NO female friends. i get that some girls get along better with guys (i have many guy friends - hang out one on one type guy friends) but to have no close female friends at all is just kind of strange.

 

anyway, as for her visit to the male friend, i guess you're just going to have to trust that she means it when she says she will be sexually exclusive to you. if you can't trust that, then you're going to have to re-evaluate the current relationship. i would definitely voice your concerns (but do it using "i" statements, like "i feel this" and "this is what worries me" rather than "you" statements like "you going over there is worrying to me" because that can get people on the offensive).

 

just so you know though, my best friend is a guy, and he would pay that kind of money for me if he was well off. he often pays for fuel for me when i have no money, takes me to dinner, takes me to movies, pays for it all etc - but he has a girlfriend and i am single. there is nothing more to it than the fact that he loves me VERY much as a friend and we are there for one another. the reason he does pay is because i am a student, as is he - but he also has a well-paying casual job where i do not and am often struggling.

and when i say there is nothing but friendship, i mean that.. we have both had the discussion because friends have brought up how close we are and we both know that it is platonic between us.

 

so if this guy is well off, misses her and wants to see her because they have a long standing friendship, i'd say its not THAT unreasonable for him to offer to pay for her. if he is struggling and still wants to pay - that is more of a red flag to me because the sacrifice is much bigger.

[DVM3369]

i agree with most people saying that it's weird if this girl really has NO female friends. i get that some girls get along better with guys (i have many guy friends - hang out one on one type guy friends) but to have no close female friends at all is just kind of strange.

 

anyway, as for her visit to the male friend, i guess you're just going to have to trust that she means it when she says she will be sexually exclusive to you. if you can't trust that, then you're going to have to re-evaluate the current relationship. i would definitely voice your concerns (but do it using "i" statements, like "i feel this" and "this is what worries me" rather than "you" statements like "you going over there is worrying to me" because that can get people on the offensive).

 

just so you know though, my best friend is a guy, and he would pay that kind of money for me if he was well off. he often pays for fuel for me when i have no money, takes me to dinner, takes me to movies, pays for it all etc - but he has a girlfriend and i am single. there is nothing more to it than the fact that he loves me VERY much as a friend and we are there for one another. the reason he does pay is because i am a student, as is he - but he also has a well-paying casual job where i do not and am often struggling.

and when i say there is nothing but friendship, i mean that.. we have both had the discussion because friends have brought up how close we are and we both know that it is platonic between us.

 

so if this guy is well off, misses her and wants to see her because they have a long standing friendship, i'd say its not THAT unreasonable for him to offer to pay for her. if he is struggling and still wants to pay - that is more of a red flag to me because the sacrifice is much bigger.

 

I actually bumped the talk up and chatted with her about this tonight. Everything went fine. I voiced my concerns and she was very understanding of my feelings. At this point, it is not a sure thing that she will even be traveling out there. It all got laid out there on the table, though, and nothing has changed between us. Intergalictic, regardless of some of the negative responses I have received on here, I've been leaning more towards what you said about trusting her. Some on here might think that's a dumb idea which is fine. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. For now, I'm proceeding with caution and I'll just have to wait and see how everything plays out.

[Intergalactic]

I actually bumped the talk up and chatted with her about this tonight. Everything went fine. I voiced my concerns and she was very understanding of my feelings. At this point, it is not a sure thing that she will even be traveling out there. It all got laid out there on the table, though, and nothing has changed between us. Intergalictic, regardless of some of the negative responses I have received on here, I've been leaning more towards what you said about trusting her. Some on here might think that's a dumb idea which is fine. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. For now, I'm proceeding with caution and I'll just have to wait and see how everything plays out.

 

 

i think this is a really great idea and you have a good attitude toward the situation! i know people say "don't trust her, that's dumb" but if she hasn't yet done anything to give you any reason not to believe her, then i don't understand why anybody would give you advice not to trust her.

 

i'm glad as well, that you spoke to her about your concerns. it's really important to be able to speak about things that worry you in the relationship, regardless of how early on it may be or what the consequences are. it builds trust and forces you both to confront the issues and alleviates your worries so they don't balloon into something bigger, which may impact the relationship.

 

and as i said, from my own experiences, if a guy pays for something or does something for a close female friend, it does NOT mean there is anything more going on. it's absolutely ridiculous to think that men and women can't be friends - i talk to my best friend (the guy) almost every day, i see him at least 4 times a week and spend time with him casually (movies, dinner, sleepovers etc) and nothing happens other than that we hang out, like i hang out with my female friends. his girlfriend knows and is completely okay with it, i'm friends with her also. it's a great situation and enriching for all of us!

 

good luck!

[DVM3369]

Just stopping in with an update. Since my last post, several major red flags appeared last week and I decided it was best to just break things off and move on. My gut told me "run, don't walk!" and I listened. She was sneaking off to make phone calls, being overly protective of her phone, and apparently something happened with her ex and they both ended up in bed naked together. She claims nothing sexual went down, but I didn't buy it. Moving on to the next one...wish me luck .

[rafallus]

Any girl that has NO female friends because she "doesn't get along with females" and has only male friends, including those who are willing to spend thousands of dollars to see her............. Is waving a GINORMOUS RED FLAG.

 

Very, very much agreed. Keep that in mind for all conquests you have.

[alexlakeman]

Just stopping in with an update. Since my last post, several major red flags appeared last week and I decided it was best to just break things off and move on. My gut told me "run, don't walk!" and I listened. She was sneaking off to make phone calls, being overly protective of her phone, and apparently something happened with her ex and they both ended up in bed naked together. She claims nothing sexual went down, but I didn't buy it. Moving on to the next one...wish me luck .

 

What was her story? Clothes was getting washed? LOL