Mack05 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 (edited) Guys, I am reading a pretty helpful book (one of many I have read recently) called Getting Past your breakup ->http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-ebook/dp/B0026A6C4U There is a great section in the book called The Rules of disengagement, which is basically a chapter written about 'No Contact'. The first thing you must do to be successful at NC is affirmatively decide you are not going to contact your ex NO MATTER WHAT. You must make a contract with yourself to stop doing it, which means you must sit with the uncomfortable emotions until they pass. You must decide that you will not call, instant message or email your ex. You will not check his or her Facebook or Myspace page. This contract with yourself means that you will not put yourself in places where you could have an "accidental meeting" with your ex. You will decide that even if you think you have every reason in the world to connect, you will think it through and talk it through with your family and friends. Therefore not acting on it immediately. There are normally 7 reasons that keep us stuck in a rut, that makes us want to break NC. These reasons are listed below.. 1) Why can't we be friends. After a breakup the work each person has to do is lose the couple identity. Each person needs to establish again his or hers identity and no longer see themselves as part of the couple they once were. Therefore being friends in the aftermath of a breakup is a complete NO NO! The atmosphere is too emtionally charged. You both need time to get yourselves together. If you leave each other alone initially you may come back later as saner, more grounded people with a better chance of being friends. But right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your healing.. 2) I Must have Closure. You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN.. 3) I just need to make sense of it all" and I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours. 4) I want to be available for reconciliation. Sometimes people don't acknowledge that they are staying in touch to keep hope of reconciliation alive. Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact. Even if it is your fervent hope that you will reconcile, taking a break and going NC will help you regardless of what happens down the line. You both have been through a trying time, and you must face that a break will do each of you the world of good. Now is the time to reassess where you've been and where you are going, even if you are going there together. You will need to take stock of yourself and the relationship so that you can figure out what went wrong and what needs to go right in future. Until communicate ends (and it should end for at least 60 days and until your ex reaches out (you should never be the one that reaches out) it is impossible to do that. Even if you do reconcile, the relationship you knew has ended, so you must grieve for the relationship has passed and move on from what once was. Because if you do reconcile (and the odds are long against) it has to be different than it was before or it will just fail. Again. 5) I just need to give this stuff back...People become very creative in finding ways to stay in contact with their exe's. One of the most innocent ploys you hear about is when one person insists on retrieving something - a piece of clothing, a household item that belongs to him or her. Think about how important the item really is. If you need to return it, put it in a box and mail it. No note, no nothing. If you are the one who wants it, think about it. Is it worth more than your sanity?Probably not. Making a clean break is important, so clear up loose ends immediately. Avoid keeping anything or leaving anything that can be asked for later on. If you still have things return them. If there are things you have left behind ask for them once more (if its important to you) otherwise forget it and move on. 6) Im just so Horny! Continuing a physical relationship after giving up the committed relationship and its inherent respondsibilities is a prescription for trouble. Do not buy into "friends with benefits" scenarios. Benefits must have corresponding respondsibilites and if they don't you are using each other. So stop it and grow up. There is no such thing as "friends with benefits". There is only friends who have no idea what they're doing to the detriment of themselves and each other. Don't do it with your ex or anyone else for that matter. Conduct your life with dignity, and don't give away anything unless the person you're giving it to takes some responsibility toward you, especially if he or she is an ex lover. If it's dead bury it. Don't sleep with it. 7) We run in the same circles. There are many situations where full NC is impossible. In this case, NC means that you don't speak unless it's necessary and you don't use bumping into each other as an excuse to call, email or text later on. Work/College breakups are very difficult. It is hard to be prefessional when everyone knows your business. You might need to draw some lines with your ex and agree on saying nothing at work/college about the breakup. The last thing you need at the office/class everyday is all your colleagues gossiping about you. Try to talk to your ex about the ground rules for discussing the relationship at work before the rumour mill gets going. Agree to keep it very business like, and only share your personal pain with close friends who do not work/study with your ex. Keep the boundaries very clear. Focus on you not him/her, keep your side of the street clean even if your ex doesn't. I am now nearly 2 months NC. I have nearly broke NC quite a few times. Happily I didn't. Here are a few things I did when I was close to breaking NC 1) Write a journal/diary first thought that was in my head. Don't edit it.. 2) Write Letters to my ex that I am never going to send.. 3) Call a friend of family member for support and Vent on LS.. 4) Take a long hot bath.. 5) Picked up some new hobbies or really focused on the stuff I love doing. During my relationship and the afermath, I lost my passion for alot of things I used to love. I went out and got my passion back.. 6) Go for a long scenic walk.. 7) Go to the gym.. 8) Pampered myself. Went off to a hotel for the day in the country with 2 bottles of cheap champagne. Happy days! 9) When I started to overthinking about my ex and her faults/behaviour, I reeled myself back and focused on me again.. 10) Wrote short term and long term goals and tick them off one by one.. Remember continuing to seek contact or respond to contact just keeps you stuck and adds to your hurt. It's counterproductive to building a new and meaningful life. We all deserve better... Edited June 13, 2011 by Mack05
Nantucket1984 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Guys, I am reading a pretty helpful book (one of many I have read recently) called Getting Past your breakup ->http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-ebook/dp/B0026A6C4U There is a great section in the book called The Rules of disengagement, which is basically a chapter written about 'No Contact'. The first thing you must do to be successful at NC is affirmatively decide you are not going to contact your ex NO MATTER WHAT. You must make a contract with yourself to stop doing it, which means you must sit with the uncomfortable emotions until they pass. You must decide that you will not call, instant message or email your ex. You will not check his or her Facebook or Myspace page. This contract with yourself means that you will not put yourself in places where you could have an "accidental meeting" with your ex. You will decide that even if you think you have every reason in the world to connect, you will think it through and talk it through with your family and friends. Therefore not acting on it immediately. There are normally 7 reasons that keep us stuck in a rut, that makes us want to break NC. These reasons are listed below.. 1) Why can't we be friends. After a breakup the work each person has to do is lose the couple identity. Each person needs to establish again his or hers identity and no longer see themselves as part of the couple they once were. Therefore being friends in the aftermath of a breakup is a complete NO NO! The atmosphere is too emtionally charged. You both need time to get yourselves together. If you leave each other alone initially you may come back later as saner, more grounded people with a better chance of being friends. But right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your healing.. 2) I Must have Closure. You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN.. 3) I just need to make sense of it all" and I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours. 4) I want to be available for reconciliation. Sometimes people don't acknowledge that they are staying in touch to keep hope of reconciliation alive. Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact. Even if it is your fervent hope that you will reconcile, taking a break and going NC will help you regardless of what happens down the line. You both have been through a trying time, and you must face that a break will do each of you the world of good. Now is the time to reassess where you've been and where you are going, even if you are going there together. You will need to take stock of yourself and the relationship so that you can figure out what went wrong and what needs to go right in future. Until communicate ends (and it should end for at least 60 days and until your ex reaches out (you should never be the one that reaches out) it is impossible to do that. Even if you do reconcile, the relationship you knew has ended, so you must grieve for the relationship has passed and move on from what once was. Because if you do reconcile (and the odds are long against) it has to be different than it was before or it will just fail. Again. 5) I just need to give this stuff back...People become very creative in finding ways to stay in contact with their exe's. One of the most innocent ploys you hear about is when one person insists on retrieving something - a piece of clothing, a household item that belongs to him or her. Think about how important the item really is. If you need to return it, put it in a box and mail it. No note, no nothing. If you are the one who wants it, think about it. Is it worth more than your sanity?Probably not. Making a clean break is important, so clear up loose ends immediately. Avoid keeping anything or leaving anything that can be asked for later on. If you still have things return them. If there are things you have left behind ask for them once more (if its important to you) otherwise forget it and move on. 6) Im just so Horny! Continuing a physical relationship after giving up the committed relationship and its inherent respondsibilities is a prescription for trouble. Do not buy into "friends with benefits" scenarios. Benefits must have corresponding respondsibilites and if they don't you are using each other. So stop it and grow up. There is no such thing as "friends with benefits". There is only friends who have no idea what they're doing to the detriment of themselves and each other. Don't do it with your ex or anyone else for that matter. Conduct your life with dignity, and don't give away anything unless the person you're giving it to takes some responsibility toward you, especially if he or she is an ex lover. If it's dead bury it. Don't sleep with it. 7) We run in the same circles. There are many situations where full NC is impossible. In this case, NC means that you don't speak unless it's necessary and you don't use bumping into each other as an excuse to call, email or text later on. Work/College breakups are very difficult. It is hard to be prefessional when everyone knows your business. You might need to draw some lines with your ex and agree on saying nothing at work/college about the breakup. The last thing you need at the office/class everyday is all your colleagues gossiping about you. Try to talk to your ex about the ground rules for discussing the relationship at work before the rumour mill gets going. Agree to keep it very business like, and only share your personal pain with close friends who do not work/study with your ex. Keep the boundaries very clear. Focus on you not him/her, keep your side of the street clean even if your ex doesn't. I am now nearly 2 months NC. I have nearly broke NC quite a few times. Happily I didn't. Here are a few things I did when I was close to breaking NC 1) Write a journal/diary first thought that was in my head. Don't edit it.. 2) Write Letters to my ex that I am never going to send.. 3) Call a friend of family member for support and Vent on LS.. 4) Take a long hot bath.. 5) Picked up some new hobbies or really focused on the stuff I love doing. During my relationship and the afermath, I lost my passion for alot of things I used to love. I went out and got my passion back.. 6) Go for a long scenic walk.. 7) Go to the gym.. 8) Pampered myself. Went off to a hotel for the day in the country with 2 bottles of cheap champagne. Happy days! 9) When I started to overthinking about my ex and her faults/behaviour, I reeled myself back and focused on me again.. 10) Wrote short term and long term goals and tick them off one by one.. Remember continuing to seek contact or respond to contact just keeps you stuck and adds to your hurt. It's counterproductive to building a new and meaningful life. We all deserve better... Very good post.
sola Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Thank you so much for posting this. This information is exactly what I needed. I keep thinking of all the reasons for reaching out to my ex. But as point 3 says I need to accept i need to let go of him as his way of thinking is not compatible to mine. I just printed your post and I'm going to keep it handy so I will read it over and over again, specially during those times in which i feel weak (and have the urge to call or text) or when i feel really down about the breakup. THANKS for sharing this
Author Mack05 Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 (edited) This is a post from Homebrew on 31st last year. Would like to add it to this thread as this will be my motto going forward. Thanks for the support guys. I hope I can help people on this site, the way people have helped me. I don't recognise the man I was 3 months ago anymore and I am SOOO happy. This site has been a massive help on my road back to full recovery... From Homebrew: "For me... I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. For me... If they are not 100% sure they want to be with me... I do not / am not going to be with them. For me... This isn't complicated. Boy mets girl, boy and girl like each other, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl ride off into the sunset. For me... I have never had to beg, plead, convince, negotiate, threaten, manipulate, etc. someone to be / want to be with me... For me... I am me. They either liked it or they don't. For me... If someone does not know who they are or want they want... I do not pursue them, date them, want to enter a relationship with them, marry them. For me... I do not pursue EXes who dumped me. For me... If an EX that dumped me wants a second chance... It's not MY JOB to get them to want me. It's THEIR JOB to get me to want them." Edited June 13, 2011 by Mack05
bikinibeach Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I should post about the latest with my Ex... Even after being broken up 17 months now... I got another heartfelt email from her today. excellent and very helpful post. thanks to both! and homebrew- yes fill us in!!
PelicanPete Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I don't recognise the man I was 3 months ago anymore and I am SOOO happy. This made me smile Well done Mack05, you're demonstrating knowledge most struggle to fully understand. If you remain humble and accept change, you'll stay happy through life and grow wise beyond your years.
JR2315 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I've had no contact for 11 days now and I know that Im in the right path of moving on but I find it weird that whenever the phone rings or when i get a msg on FB a part of me thinks that its her wanting to get back to reconcile things with me. it just ends up to be someone else and I always feel disappointed. Is this normal? How can I get over this?
bikinibeach Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I've had no contact for 11 days now and I know that Im in the right path of moving on but I find it weird that whenever the phone rings or when i get a msg on FB a part of me thinks that its her wanting to get back to reconcile things with me. it just ends up to be someone else and I always feel disappointed. Is this normal? How can I get over this? ugh...i HAAATE this too. 1) know that she is very likely going through the same thing 2) Take your power back by blocking her on facebook, block her phone number and email as well. This actually really helps
JR2315 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Ye Im definitely going to try that so it provides me assurance that there is no way that it could be her. I hate that feeling though it gets my heart racing and I get excited only to be crushed and disappointed
Royal Guy Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 [email protected] My Dearest, my name is miss prisca kones,l read your profile today and i choosed you as the only one whom i can give my heart as far as love is concern ensuring i bring joy and happiness into your door step.lf you are interested in me and want to know more about me and to view my pictures,you can contact me ([email protected]) My dear i want you to understand that there is no age,race,colour and religion bar when it comes to true love.only what is important is pure and devoted relationship.Hoping to hear from you as soon as possible.Thank you Miss prisca Whats this supposed to mean? lol Anyways GREAT post Mack05 and gr8 inputs by homebrew. It will be great if this thread could be made sticky.
Sassygirl2 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Mack05 and Homebrew - you guys are ahhhhhmazing! Great posts - I'm printing it out too!
sun_moon Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 ^^^^^^^ It has served me well! ^^^^^^^ I should post about the latest with my Ex... Even after being broken up 17 months now... I got another heartfelt email from her today. Yeah I remember reading this several times in different threads you contribute to. It never gets old. Um yeah, where's the update? You should either post a new thread and title its something like : From Homebrew-The Update You've been waiting for! or you can just update us here. either way dont keep us hanging. lol
sun_moon Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Mack, that was a good read for my morning today :-) Thanks for the picker upper! I was motivated and proud all together, I feel like I've stuck to a lot of it. I'm so gonna bump this thread when the time is right.... muwahahhaha
sun_moon Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Well sometimes I read things and it's like the simple pleasure of watching a show, I want to know what happened next! ;-) Besides you can tell us what happened and then what you did about it, the whole lead by example thing ! Lol
Author Mack05 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 (edited) Another extract from the book..Getting past your breakup (Susan J Elliot) "During the post-breakup period, you have three options. The first is to spend all kinds of time, futile effort, and tears trying to win back your ex back. The second is to try to go on as if nothing happened and continue down the same path that led you into another unsuccessful relationship. The third option is to heal properly, look at what's happened and learn new ways to put together a happy and whole life. Not only will this make you happier, it will also give you the best chance to find true love with a person who is good for you and good to you. Although the last option is infinitely more attractive and assures sustained long term happiness, most people choose the first and when that doesn't work, the second. Why?Because they have no idea how to do the third - to take charge of their lives. Choosing option 3 means alot of time dealing with your emotional pain. Emotional pain has its upside. It can movitate you to examine certain aspects of you life in a way that doesn't happen when you are comfortable. The new breakup pain, coupled with old unresolved grief can bring you to a place where you can address issues and recover - in a way you're not able to do when you are not facing a major loss. Opportunity plus willingness means that a breakup is the best time to change your life for the better, inside and out. Unfortunately, few people take the opportunity because after the first blush of freedom, the reality of being alone begins to overshadow the promise of change. The emotional pain becomes so great that willingness to work through it is replaced with a drive to "Feel Better" and put everything in the past. Even if you have every intention of getting past the breakup, both emotionally and logistically, it may seem like an imposible task because life alone seems scary and unclear..Right now the best thing to do is to meet this challenge head on, work through the grief, make plans for the future and change your life. But how do you do that when you are overcome with grief, fear of the future and practical everyday matters?" The book sets out a roadmap to show you how to answer the last question posed. I am still reading it so I will post any useful extracts I come across, but I really recommend everybody trying to get over a breakup to read this book. I have read 7 self help books the last four months. This is by a country mile the best... Edited June 14, 2011 by Mack05
EgoJoe Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 This is a great post. Some lessons are meant to be learned the hard way. No more than once though, haha.
sun_moon Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Mack, I just bought the book. I did it because I want to be able to trust men, something that's gotten harder the older I get. Also, I'm consciously aware of confidence issues and I hope that if I call myself out enough on it, I can grow from it and learn. Still thinking about the possibility of therapy. This all has to do with step 3, and letting go of the anger I have for my ex, because of how I was treated. bla bla bla anyway I bought the book.
Author Mack05 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Mack, I just bought the book. I did it because I want to be able to trust men, something that's gotten harder the older I get. Also, I'm consciously aware of confidence issues and I hope that if I call myself out enough on it, I can grow from it and learn. Still thinking about the possibility of therapy. This all has to do with step 3, and letting go of the anger I have for my ex, because of how I was treated. bla bla bla anyway I bought the book. Sun_Moon you made my day! I love the book and I know you will too. I think from a man that's just about to finish therapy (over 3 months) I think you should go. Indeed, I would seriously recommend it. Remember Therapy is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of courage and strength..I had no idea the extent of my problems until I went. These people are geniuses. If you do go sun moon my best advice is be as honest as you can. My ex went and bad mouthed me for 6 weeks, now thats a waste of money. She is scared to face her demons (she had a VERY traumatic past) so a therapist can't help her. I tried telling her, but in one ear out the next. She has been kidding herself alongtime but I can't help her anymore. So when I went to Therapy after the first 2 or 3 sessions where I did vent, the rest was ALL about me. Her name wasn't even mentioned after that. With me I told my Therapist all the bad bits about my life, the hard stuff to talk about. They are not there to judge you, but to help you. If your not 100% truthful, then they can only help you so much. I thought it would be enormous waste of money and time. So not true..My family don't recognise me (in a great way). My whole attitude to life has changed. I went from glass half empty to glass half full! From a negative outlook on life (found it hard to get out of bed and was always lazy with no energy), to where is the next challenge...BRING IT!
sun_moon Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I thought about therapy for such a long time, judgement isnt what holds me back, its my laziness. lol I have got to get on the ball and find one. My best friend swears by it. You know its been about 3 months since my break up, and 2 months since it was "really over", I ended it because of the toxicity for our relationship, always fighting, feeling taken for granted, not trusting him, the list goes on. He didn't want it and he wanted me to believe he could change and improve, and fix his temper, etc, etc. I thought we could work it out, because he convinced me that he could change only to find out that he began seeing someone a month later( while lying to me) He gave me hope while I was trying to squash it, only to feel rejected in the end (with in the first month of the b/u). His actions, character, and constant lying (which he's in denial about) amongst a long laundry list of other things, made me realize that I did make the right decision. Him rebounding and lying to me made me realize during the initial stages of our break up (him fighting for me and trying to work things out) where I was apprehensive and indecisive about what to do next, that once again we were not meant to be. He is not healthy for me, he's not even healthy for himself. I'm sorry I didnt mean to digress. My point is, that immense pain, after finding out what he did, during that time, I was like yup therapy is a must. Not talking to him and going full NC is also a must. I kept telling myself: I must move on, and I know I will eventually. It doesnt matter who he's seeing and what he's doing, because he's wrong for it and I know he's not dealing with anything just hiding the pain. I need to focus on ME and away from him. I need to stay active to keep my sanity. I need to find distractions. I need to stay away from him because his words are poison and will sting me over and over. I need to deal with my anger and depression (May was aweful) I need to pamper myself. I attribute me feeling so much better mostly to the intention of NC for healing (not manipulating him to come back, I dont want him) I want someone he simply cannot be and I need to let go. Of course, I had my moments of LC with him, but that was mostly attributed to him initiating it and well my old threads explain why. Our last quick talk, his last sentence to me was "call me if you need anything." NC is amazing it calms your nerves and with time, its your friend not enemy. I realize its not enough, which is why I bought the book. I got some emails and suggestions from LS from people for coping, but they all turned out to be titles like "How to get them back", needless to say, I haven't opened any of them. I knew I needed a book for coping and moving on, but I didn't know where to start, and your testimony was all I needed to pull the trigger. Sometimes I feel so normal, that I don't feel the need for therapy or books, then I remind myself that I'm not perfect, I'm damaged goods, I'm very flawed and I need to deal with my goal of inner self improvement because I love myself. Also, the weekends are my worst enemy, because that is when I feel most sad and lonely. That is when I miss him, wonder about him, and think to myself, I wonder if they are together, not together, ah hell it doesnt matter, chances are he's going through his own b/u growing pains like me. If only you treated me right. If only you valued me. Then I snap out of it, and desperately try to find something to do. lol No one is without fault or flaw, I just need to be more confident in myself, want to trust men one day (must be earned), and mostly not be so negative in life. I'm told what a great package I am all the time and while I overall agree, my confidence is less than par, so yes, I need to just stop being lazy and find a therapist. I want to be honest with myself and positive so I may find a positive other half that will treat me right and as Homebrew put it, so we can ride off into the sunset, lol Anyway, I have been feeling a lot better lately. Mornings and evenings are much easier, and while he still crosses my mind daily, its not in an anguished way. Each week it gets easier, and I know its because of NC. Having said that, I wonder if I'm fooling myself, I mean I know that if I accidentally saw him, or he called me again (and I would ignore the call), I would go back to feeling sad and obsessing over why he called and what the hell he wants, etc, etc. I realize that I'm fragile even thought I feel ok overall. Cant wait to get the book, I will look into a therapist but for now, I must go get tortured by my dentist. Wish me luck.
sun_moon Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Oh, almost forgot, glad I made your day! Hopefully the next time I make a guy's day it will be someone I'm dating lol
Author Mack05 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Well I believe in practising what I preach..Tonight after 2 months of NC my ex breaks NC. I didn't answer her phone call and I never will. That's a promise I have made myself. I mean who do these people think there are!? She treats me just horribly at the end, leaves me with such hurtful scars and like a million questions and then threatens me with the police if I call her again. She leaves me shattered in the worst place of my life with ZERO compassion and then thinks she can all me in 2 months! I will NEVER answer that call, even though I never got those questions answered. All I did tonight was prove I have moved on and that I am so much stronger now. All she did was give me even more power then I already have. Thank you ex!!! but like most people on this site will be soon, I am doing good now on my own. Searching for the kind of person she will NEVER be... We're getting there guys!
betterdeal Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Changing my phone number helped me. If you don't want to do that, at least switch your phone to silent at night when you go to bed. There are emergency services available 24/7 if anyone really needs help when I'm asleep.
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