VertexSquared Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 (edited) Long story short, my girlfriend and I are both 24 and will be moving into our own apartment soon. We're doing this mainly because it's a good next step in our relationship and cuts out all the roommate drama that's been ensuing, and it's nice to have privacy and more room/easier commuting/etc. We both work in finance and so it's great to cut down on expenses/commute times here in Manhattan and have a bit more free time/disposable income. In other words, lots of fun, pragmatic reasons. We have no plans to get married anytime soon -- but down the line, perhaps. Problem: My girlfriend's family is Chinese and usually associate moving in together with getting married. They have somewhat strong traditional views at the core. Basically it's like this now: Relative (practically everyone in her family): "So when are you guys getting engaged, eh eh?" Gf: "Oh, no, we're not doing that anytime soon -- I'm not expecting him to do that!" Relative: "Hehehe, suure suure." There's this sort of strange "wink-wink nudge-nudge" aura encapsulating everything now and I'm not exactly sure how to act. To be clear, I'm not going to solve this issue by actually proposing, but I don't want to cause unrest in her family. I don't want to be viewed as an equivalent of someone having a child out of wedlock or something (not that there's anything wrong with this, but I'm talking purely in terms of relative social perception). Am I worrying too much over this, or is there a way to kick away this expectation without causing drama? Edited June 13, 2011 by VertexSquared
tigressA Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 You're worrying too much. Your GF's family is rooted in tradition so they are going to keep asking until it happens. First they will bug you about engagement/marriage, then after those steps are done it will be "So when are you having kids, eh eh?" After you have one it will be, "So when will you have another one?" You get the picture. Follow your GF's lead on this one, as it's her family. If you're asked directly, just say, "Not anytime soon." And change the subject. I likely will be dealing with this to an extent with my SO's (Indian) family, so I can relate. We're cohabiting and we don't have much of a desire to get married, and we don't ever want children. Those are two big no-no's in that culture.
Art_Critic Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Time to grab a knee VS... Congrats on the upcoming nuptials... VS.. since this is her family that might be making the assumption then it would be up to her to straighten it out.. Maybe she could clarify to her parents what is up and it would then filter on down the family chain
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 I agree with Art. As long as you and your girlfriend are on the same page, all's good, and it's up to her to have things clear with her family ... or not. You've already been straight with them.
oaks Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 I was thinking "her family, her problem" but thought I'd get shot down for saying that. Looks like I'm not entirely alone in that view! Talk to her about it... does she see it as a problem? Perhaps she can put your mind at ease.
vsmini Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 You are planning to live together for all the wrong reasons. Money, convenience, etc. You have no commitment to this girl. She and her family think that the next step is marriage and you think otherwise. If I was not sure about her (like you clearly are) I would not move in with her. Al I see is drama and disappointment in the near future. Yea - I was about to write the same thing. I have to agree. I know it's not what you asked advice for but...this is an issue. It's a bad idea to move in when the idea of marriage is not on the table at all. Many women assume that's what is coming next and will get pissed if it doesn't come at all. Next thing you know people are marrying each other out of obligation and think oh well...."marriage is just the next step." This is what accounts for the high stats on divorce rates where people lived together before they got married. Does this mean it will happen to you? No....but this isn't a good idea.
denisss Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 This one can be tricky as Chinese families do often have quite traditional values, but it's not as if they have disowned their daughter or have spoken out against you. I don't think you have anything to worry about at this stage.
Author VertexSquared Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 Just to clarify, obviously we want to get married at some point down the line, and I already stated in my first post that moving in together would be a great next step for our relationship. We just don't see it as a huge deal in the sense that it's going to lead to a proposal in the next two years or something. We BOTH don't want to get married until much later down the line. Her family, though, always nudges her to reconsider that view, and thinks something will happen especially when we move in together.
vsmini Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Just to clarify, obviously we want to get married at some point down the line, and I already stated in my first post that moving in together would be a great next step for our relationship. We just don't see it as a huge deal in the sense that it's going to lead to a proposal in the next two years or something. We BOTH don't want to get married until much later down the line. Her family, though, always nudges her to reconsider that view, and thinks something will happen especially when we move in together. Your OP stated "down the line....perhaps" I think that's why a lot of people assumed it wasn't seriously being discussed and lead to most of the comments. All I can say is to keep your communication with each other open and honest as constant family nudging could lead her to change her mind and actually start pushing for engagement.
Els Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Hey, great to hear from you again. And good to know everything's going well... well, mostly. I agree with TA, follow your gf's lead. Some Chinese families are REALLY against moving together prior to marriage. Others will just lift a brow and tease but not do anything else. With the latter, all you really need to do is grin and bear it.
Finch Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 There's nothing wrong with moving in together for reasons that have to do with economics as well as love. Talking about finances and expenses, sharing of chores and other practical matters are part of acting responsibly when deciding to live with a partner. If you move in with someone with nothing but stars in your eyes and no other reason aside from really wanting to be around each other you can quickly find yourself in an unhappy situation. That aside, you don't necessarily have to be planning to get married right away, and I feel moving in with a partner (just the two of you) can actually be a good way of discerning whether you will be compatible together in the long term. Just as long as you are both on the same page about the reasons each of you has for getting a place of your own. You are aware of how her family feels and it sounds like you have both been honest with them about what the two of you living on your own means and does not mean. I would say follow her lead in handling her family's expectations. But do make sure the two of you communicate openly as you learn to co-habit on your own.
NoReallyThatHappened Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Hey Vertex! Long time no see. I'm glad to see things are still going well for you. I just want to make SURE you and your gf have talked about the time line to engagement. What are the reasons you want to go ahead and live together, but wait to get married? I think it's going to be up to her to deal with her family. She should make it very clear that there is no engagement and that SHE was part of that decision.
Ouroboros Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I'd feed into their delusion for my own entertainment and then dump her for the hilarity.
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