how do you know if you're just wrong together and need to break up? (long!)

[iheartsuki]

this is something that has been really weighing on me...

 

i really love my boyfriend...he's incredibly honest, ambitious, intelligent, sensitive, funny...in so many ways, he's great. in so many other ways, i'm worried he's just totally wrong for me.

 

we're from different places (and have different backgrounds, entirely). i moved up north (u.s.), planning on being in one city and finding work there....he recently got a job in another nearby city (i'm still looking for work). i come to find out that this other city is where he wants to be and has wanted to be all along. probably permanently. this city does not appeal to me at all. i sometimes feel like maybe i'm just being difficult (i can at least visit the other city and right now it's WAY more practical to just go w/ him...), but then i go right back to feeling like i'm just giving up on MY dreams and feel deep down depressed that he can't just come w/ me and live right outside that other city. he would still be right near HIS family AND friends AND the things HE wants to do (go to baseball games in his city)....and i just feel SO resentful. what is he even really giving up by coming with me??? i left my home, my friends, my family....and now i'm giving up where i want to be? that leaves me with nothing....except him.

 

he's extremely conservative with money.....i'm not completely the opposite, but i feel that life is too short to let money always limit you in every situation (sometimes convenience is worth paying a little extra for, or higher taxes are less of a problem you're in a place where you actually want to be), and there are just so many other differences. i like change (environment, scenery, decor, food -- change for the sake of change!!!). he does NOT. we hate each others' taste in music with the exception of slight overlap in taste. he likes a really hard mattress -- it kills my back. he likes to argue, debate, and rant (mostly politics) -- again, life just seems too short to me to stress about it. his sense of humor is "bathroom humor" -- i enjoy witty/dry humor and find bathroom jokes to be immature for the most part. i like going out to bars occasionally and enjoy larger parties, he enjoys small gatherings and drinking beer at home while watching a game. he likes spending A LOT of time on sports - away golfing or home watching games -- i hate sports (hate). he has a very controlling, take charge, domineering personality (he admits this), i'm more free-spirited and highly averse to being controlled. he's very rigid and uptight -- i tend to be laid back. i'm very sensitive, thoughtful, slow to respond -- he's very critical and makes snap judgements/opinions/responses and dominates conversation (and i often feel pushed out and unheard). he interrupts a lot and, between taking my time to give a thoughtful response and being ADD and easily losing my train of thought -- it's very frustrating. we both get stressed easily -- but about different things. so someone is always in a state of agitation, it seems.

 

the good (and bad): he's very rational/logical, goal oriented, no-nonsense, stable and dependable, outgoing/gregarious, a little bit ocd about messes, ambitious.....these are all good b/c i tend to be the opposite -- overly emotional, flighty/dreamy, scatter-brained/forgetful, messy and not very careful sometimes, and i tend to get off track w/ goals and tasks. after having been with someone who possesses his good qualities, i almost can't even imagine being with someone who isn't the way he is....he really does balance out MY extremes....but even the good causes a lot of friction. we fight nearly every day. i wonder if maybe he's too MUCH those things for me.

 

what's really disheartening though is.....i want to travel to europe every chance i can, live in a city for awhile, change the decor in my home around often, and either move back home to the south, or live in one of a few very specific locations that happen to have higher taxes. he doesn't want any of that -- and if he wants any of it at all, it's not to the degree i do.

 

i worry that the good in him i'd give up is hard to find again...or impossible to find without the bad being present too. he's such an incredibly good person, so sweet and thoughtful, loves surprising me, wants to take care of me and make my life easier....and it sounds cheesy, but he really inspires me to do better, try harder, achieve more, be a better person in the ways that i'm not.....all while driving me completely crazy!!!!!

 

how do you know when it's just not working and will never work? how do you know you're just incompatible? what if a lot of the incompatibilities are ALSO complimentary??

 

....when is it time to give up...?

[AmericanHoney]

Opposites do attract....... How long have you been dating??

[Exit]

You know who it would be a lot more useful to say this all to? Him.

 

You may have already pointed some of these things out to him, but he may not be aware that it is really weighing on you to the point of questioning whether or not the relationship should continue.

 

The only person worth talking to about it is your partner. I absolutely hate that my ex internalized everything, was becoming unhappy while I didn't even know it, and then broke up with me when I least expected it. And all along I told her I've never been cheating on or anything but it seemed that I always get blind-sided by breakups and I hate that feeling, and then she did it too. I would give anything if my ex had been in your situation, not entirely happy, but not sure about what to do yet -- and if she had decided to talk to me about it.

 

If you care about him then share this with him and allow him to have some input. Maybe he will agree with you that it seems you are headed in different directions, or maybe he will realize that you are growing distant and that you better work on how to stick together.

 

If you just keep this to yourself and keep thinking about it, some day you'll just decide to end it. At least that's how it sounds to me.

 

Honestly it's the best for you and the best for him if you can give him a detailed explanation of how you feel (almost exactly what you typed above, but I understand if you want to adjust it when you know that his eyes will be seeing it).

 

You'd be my hero and a hero to everyone else who feels like they never had a chance to have a hand in saving their relationship before it all collapsed around them. He may have no idea how much you are starting to worry about all of this. Talk to him! (and if you approach him and say you need to have a serious discussion about your future and he doesn't seem interested in participating, then you'll have even more ammunition to back up a decision to maybe let it end).

[usabup]

You know who it would be a lot more useful to say this all to? Him.

 

You may have already pointed some of these things out to him, but he may not be aware that it is really weighing on you to the point of questioning whether or not the relationship should continue.

 

The only person worth talking to about it is your partner. I absolutely hate that my ex internalized everything, was becoming unhappy while I didn't even know it, and then broke up with me when I least expected it. And all along I told her I've never been cheating on or anything but it seemed that I always get blind-sided by breakups and I hate that feeling, and then she did it too. I would give anything if my ex had been in your situation, not entirely happy, but not sure about what to do yet -- and if she had decided to talk to me about it.

 

If you care about him then share this with him and allow him to have some input. Maybe he will agree with you that it seems you are headed in different directions, or maybe he will realize that you are growing distant and that you better work on how to stick together.

 

If you just keep this to yourself and keep thinking about it, some day you'll just decide to end it. At least that's how it sounds to me.

 

Honestly it's the best for you and the best for him if you can give him a detailed explanation of how you feel (almost exactly what you typed above, but I understand if you want to adjust it when you know that his eyes will be seeing it).

 

You'd be my hero and a hero to everyone else who feels like they never had a chance to have a hand in saving their relationship before it all collapsed around them. He may have no idea how much you are starting to worry about all of this. Talk to him! (and if you approach him and say you need to have a serious discussion about your future and he doesn't seem interested in participating, then you'll have even more ammunition to back up a decision to maybe let it end).

 

I agree with this post 1000000000000%!!!

 

Do the right and brave thing by talking to him. Adult relationships will always take work. So give him the chance to work with you to make things right. Like the other posters says, if you give him the chance and he dosnt make the effort, then you have a lot more to back up your doubts about him.

 

Pleaseeeeeeeeeee talk to him!

[iheartsuki]

thank you for the feedback!

 

we actually did talk about all of this over this past weekend (and have brought it up in the past too). we both have the same concerns, actually, and talked very seriously about ending it, but both love each other very much. it just seems -- to both of us -- like this relationship is an uphill battle and someone always has to give up something significant for the greater good of the relationship. it seems like the work is harder than it should be. neither of us are sure that we're happy this way, but still love each other very much.

 

i think it's weighing on me a lot more b/c i'll have to make a decision soon as to which city i will be living in. i'm also concerned that if i go w/ him, this will carve out the path i take for the rest of my life. i've been really extremely homesick lately and the thought of not EVER being able to move back home again at some point kills me. he doesn't want this -- where i'm from is way too hot and too different for him.

 

we've also fought and fought about many of the things listed above.....i'm a person who sometimes has trouble verbalizing things...and he interrupts me constantly, talks right over me when i try to interject, and just takes over the whole conversation. this has led to some pretty explosive fights when i get beyond frustrated at his inability to just let others talk and LISTEN. i also get extremely angry when he micromanages things and has to have control of every situation, even just for the sake of control. it makes me feel like i'm not trusted or valued and often i just feel small, like i'm the child and he's the parent. i feel like i have to constantly defend myself or ideas and work super hard to be heard or taken seriously, even w/ the most insignificant things. it's truly exhausting and i feel this way often.

 

i think we both feel very restricted by each other in many ways...but again, we love each other very much. there are many ways in which we make each other's lives better....even with some of the same "bad" qualities. but maybe we're both just TOO extreme? or we're too alike in some ways....?? (i like to have control sometimes, too!).

 

i feel like we think about, perceive and react to things very differently.....in some ways it pushes me to think in new ways and i feel extremely fortunate to have this....and in other ways, it's draining and stressful. and there is a LOT of misunderstanding.

 

AmericanHoney, we have been together for 3 years....

[iheartsuki]

just got into another big discussion again w/ him....if anyone could offer advice or thoughts, i would really appreciate it!

 

i just find myself always feeling like everything is so difficult and i'm always fighting some battle. i'm not sure, though, if i just don't have a firm grasp on what it means to be in a real relationship (maybe I'M not compromising enough or MY expectations are too high).....or if we really and truly are wrong together. i'm afraid i can't find someone who has what's missing in him and who ALSO possesses the very important good qualities in him (intelligence, ambition, stability, etc). the relationship i was in before this one was the first serious relationship i was ever in and, due to the fact that my ex was a chronic liar, narcissist, psychopath (literally) and complete white trash disguised as a normal person, i think have no real grasp on what it takes to be in a normal relationship. for instance:

 

*i need to be able to have most of the control in decorating my home, it's my passion -- ex let me do this when i lived w/ him for 2 1/2 years. i had all the freedom i wanted/needed.

 

*i need to be able to live where i want to live -- ex followed me to school and had no concrete plans for the future.

 

*i long to feel relaxed and at ease with who and how i am (messy, forgetful, sometimes lazy about putting things away immediately) without someone constantly getting onto me -- ex almost always let me be and hardly ever nitpicked or nagged.

 

*i don't want to feel ALL the time like money governs EVERY decision. i believe in spending w/in your means, but i also believe that life is short and watching every last penny just isn't worth the stress or inconvenience. -- ex worked, but spent his money on fun things and was always monetarily generous toward me.

 

BUT....ex could never go on vacations, b/c he never saved money. ex had no standards whatsoever and i was the one always nagging him to pick up dirty socks, help w/ cleaning, NOT leave gigantic trash piles in front of the tv or cigarette butts all around the front door. this is also why ex didn't care about how i decorated (i think) b/c he took no personal investment or pride in his home...for him it was a place to sleep and play video games until he drifted on to the next thing in life. as disgusting as he was, i'm afraid, in a weird way, i've been spoiled by the freedom i had w/ him. my lifestyle w/ him was much more carefree and do-as-you-please.

 

so my questions are: how do you know if you're actually incompatible with someone/shortchanging yourself, or if you're just being unrealistic about what you expect? and also...do certain traits come more or less as "package deals"?? like...you have to just accept the inevitable bad with the good? or can you have the best of everything (ex: a guy who takes real pride in his home, but lets me decorate and change things as i please)?

 

i'm afraid of leaving my bf to chase an illusion...and then realizing how very much i've lost in him. (and fyi...i think he has this same fear for himself, maybe )

Edited June 14, 2011 by iheartsuki

[learned76]

Do you constantly compare him to your ex? He's a different guy and it seems for many reasons that is a good thing. He does need to want to tone down his domineering ways however. That really seems to be the big thing that will cause you to leave in the end from what I can see. You, on the other hand, have to decide for yourself if you want to settle down with anyone right now. It doesn't seem like you want to. The world isn't as carefree as we'd like it to be sometimes, so having a stable home is very valuable. Perhaps you are just not ready for this kind of commitment. Perhaps he is not either as compromise has to be in the cards to.

 

However, if you both could give each other room on the issues you have, then there is a good chance you can be happy with each other. It's takes two and is not a one-way street. He has the job, you don't...in terms of practicality, you might consider moving with him, even if it's temporary. Who knows, perhaps the place will grow on you. I'm not sure if this is helpful.