harual21 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 (edited) I am confused and hurt and would just like someone to sort through these events rationally for me, apparently I am unable at this stage. :( My boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me Friday. Whilst this phase of the commitment wasn’t too long, we’ve been in and out of each others lives for the best part of 3 years. It got to a point where I got sick of the “seeing each other” side of things and told him that we either needed to be in a relationship or not see each other at all… that’s how our 6 month relationship began. We’ve had our share of small arguments, nothing too major… a couple of weeks ago there was a bit of a tiff over our inability to align our weekend schedule, it was resolved Monday with him saying he was going to try harder, really wants to be with me etc etc. Wednesday he invites me round to hang out with him and his mates, Thursday I went to his house to look after him while he was sick. Everything was fine. He was giving me future talk, holidays, plans. Thursday night I discovered a comment on facebook that largely insinuated that he had been unfaithful – naturally I asked questions. The questioning was my downfall, apparently. I rang him up and was quite upset with the lack of answers and he became paranoid that I was “dumping him”, Friday (still no answers) I called him whilst a bit tipsy and he was still saying that he “doesn’t want to be single” (I had told him if he wants to behave inappropriately then he needs to be single). Anyways, we yelled a bit, he hung up and wouldn’t take any further calls. Long story short, he wouldn’t accept my apology or request to reconcile on Saturday and Sunday told me he doesn’t know how he feels but needed a bit of space. I didn’t take the space request very well but left him until Tuesday…. Got no response to my email but did manage a phone call in which he told me further space was still required but would talk to me soon. Thursday I got an email @ work saying that he would call me later to arrange to sit down and talk. I called him late as hadn’t heard from him, he eventually called me back after football training and we tentatively arranged to sit down on Friday to chat. I said to him that I would rather he break up with me on the phone if that was what he was going to do (I had a crazy week, no contact and his need for space had made me super paranoid and I’m sure that pushed him) – he reiterated that he didn’t want to talk until we were in person as would then lay all feelings on the table. He told me he’d email me @ work the next day to make arrangements. He didn’t email so I sent him one late afternoon questioning if plans were still in place else would have to confirm something else with a friend. His response was that he wanted to sit down and talk but I was pushing him, he decided he didn’t want a relationship as it isn’t right for him – he re-stated he still wanted to sit down and talk. My response was short and sweet and confirmed I too would like the opportunity to discuss things face to face. Nothing further from him. Saturday night I received a txt from him saying that he was sorry for hurting me, he knows how I must be feeling and that he doesn’t want to be the cause of pain for me. I responded and told him that of course he is the cause because I have no understanding of what brought us to this place, I questioned whether he would finish things properly or leave the email to do the talking. His response was that he would call tomorrow (yesterday); he told me he was confused about his feelings and he said he cares about me and enjoys having me as his girlfriend but was also enjoying not having to consider someone else’s thoughts and feelings for a change. Next txt from him apologised for everything and said that he feels like he just wants to think about himself for a while. He called last night and re-stated what his text’s had said. He told me it was something he had been thinking about for a while as was sick of arguing. I asked him whether he was ready to have me out of his life completely and obviously questioned how his feelings had changed so rapidly. He diverted for a while and then eventually stated he doesn’t want me out of his life completely but cannot handle a relationship. He sounded very depressed and admitted that he feels like there is too much going on in his life (very true) and that everything was getting on top of him. He told me that it is likely that I am hurting more in this process than he is. He also said that he found I was hard work as had asked questions. I can’t help but question where I’ve gone wrong. I am confused as to whether he is saying he doesn’t want a relationship in general or a relationship with me. I am hurt at the thought that he has just turned off his feelings. I am upset at the thought of him being with someone else. He has said he would like to sit down and talk still. We sort of have plans for Wednesday…. Though, he has a habit of backing out or changing his mind so am unsure whether this will happen. Can someone please decipher this for me? Edited June 13, 2011 by harual21
Exit Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Well there's one big red flag I notice after reading all that, what ever came of the Facebook situation? Doesn't sound like there was ever an explanation, at least not from what you typed. Did anything really happen between him and someone else or not? It is VERY easy for things to be taken out of context when you see your partner talking to someone on Facebook, and it's easy to get jealous and paranoid. Facebook just plain sucks for relationships. But you said is was something that "largely insinuated" that he had been unfaithful. Well? Did he explain the situation to you? Or did he just dodge the question by making you into the bad guy by calling you paranoid? Did you overreact to some innocent little comment from someone, or did you really stumble upon something that you should be upset about? Second thing I notice is him repeatedly blowing you off when he says he'll call or email, and you end up having to contact him to get anything out of him. He's disrespecting you. If he makes plans to call and then realizes he still needs some space, all it takes is a message that says "I know I said I'd call but I need to think tonight, we'll talk soon ok?", you don't just blow someone off. He could be telling the truth, maybe he is just sick of relationships, he doesn't want to have to think about someone else all day long, he doesn't want to have to make his plans on the weekend mesh with someone else. Or -- he's using this all as an excuse for the fact that he has found interest in someone else, or been unfaithful. You said you were the one calling and trying to apologize and reconcile. Why? Did he convince you that what you had seen on Facebook was completely innocent? Or did you just fall into the trap of being the villain when really he was the one who did something wrong? I don't think you're the one who needs to be apologizing. Well those are my thoughts for now but to really sort this out we need to know if anything unfaithful really did happen or if you overreacted to something silly on Facebook. I can't honestly tell who was the one to mess up right now. Just see how Wednesday goes I guess. If he bails on your plans again, forget it, don't let him keep doing that to you, it should be important to him to meet you and talk. If he keeps acting like it doesn't matter, and if you keep acting like that's acceptable behavior, he'll just do it over and over again. If he blows you off one more time, tell him you're tired of being disrespected like that, and if he ever wants to talk, he can come find you and stick to a plan.
Author harual21 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 The facebook thing was basically his friend asking him if his girlfriend (me) was aware of his Saturday night antics. In hindsight, I think I did overreact. He has promised that he has not cheated on me and gut feeling says he is telling the truth... it looks like it was just one of his mates winding him up which would not be uncommon. Logically I know he doesn't treat me well and there is a definite indication of lack of respect. What is really hurting is the fact that I equate this lack of respect for lack of care. He has also seemed to turn his feelings off so rapidly and I'm not sure whether that is my perception, if it is a male thing or whether there weren't feelings there to begin with. Very hard to swallow. Marching on with the no contact - if he wants to see me Wednesday I will follow through, otherwise I will leave him to enjoy the rest of his life. Thank you for replying!
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