Dating for 5 Weeks. Big question on my next Step. .

[Imparfait]

First off, I'm new to these forums. Been reading before I signed up, lots of good stuff.

 

My situation: I met this girl through online dating (POF). Started off with POF messaging, fairly off hand. It picked up as we became more interested in each other, eventually we transitioned to email. After about 30 emails, and a week of solid contact as such, we met up for a date.

 

#1 Date went great. 5+ hours, I drove her home, got a second date.

 

#2 Date went well. Unfortunately I drank a bit much, and she let me stay over at her place (in her bed).

 

#3 Date was a great dinner, and we hung out at her place and just talked and watched TV. I got my first kiss before I left.

 

May 24 weekend (Date 5) - we spent the whole weekend together, somewhat unintentionally. We slept together (for the first time), several times that weekend. Originally I had planned to be out on the Sunday night, which I did, but I found my way back to her place that evening and she let me spend the Monday (holiday) as well.

 

Her mom came down to help her move to her new place, and our contact dropped a fair amount. I deleted my POF account at this point (yes, mistake) and gave her some space. She was still actively using her account. We texted a bit that week, and the topic of exclusivity came up (prompted by me, out of respect). She mentioned, and I agreed, that we keep the pace of our dating light, and fun. That we could do anything we liked. I stated that I wasn't going to date other women, while dating her (another mistake I suppose). She mentioned she wasn't looking to sleep around either.

 

That week I was getting limited responses from her, and her POF activity was several times a day (yes I was stalking her a bit). I stopped all contact Thursday night, figuring she'd want the weekend with her mom without me on her mind/bugging her. Sure enough, come Sunday, she messages me and we chat some more.

 

MONDAY - I had bought her flowers, to be delivered at work. After she received these, she called me right away (we hadn't been calling at all at this point). She mentioned how nobody had ever sent her flowers before, or been as nice I was being to her.

 

FRIDAY - mom is gone, we make plans for Saturday night.

 

SATURDAY (4 June) - go on our date, I spend the night at her place, and the whole next day, and Sunday night. I blew off my soccer game (bad idea I suppose) to stay with her.

 

MONDAY (6 June) - I drop her off at work and get a good by kiss.

 

WEDNESDAY (8 June) - I haven't heard from her, I text her (about an air conditioner I was going to sell her). No answer all day, I hear from her around 6pm, apparently she left her phone at work. I text her again, no reply.

 

THURSDAY (9 June) - I check in with a text in the morning, as I'd replied to her quick response concerning the air conditioner. No answer until 5pm. Apparently she forgot her phone again. We exchange some texts briefly, then she doesn't respond to my last text.

 

FRIDAY (10 June) - I figure she is an Independent woman, we spent a lot of her last weekend together, I'll give her her space.

 

SUNDAY (12 June) - I have yet to hear from her at all, three days so far of no contact.

 

Basically the dynamic of our connection has changed considerably after we spent that first weekend (May 24) together. We went from almost daily texts, constantly, to little to no contact during the week.

 

I'm feeling a little insecure, something I'm dealing with (online dating stuff is new to me), but I guess I'm looking for another perspective here. Am I right in waiting for her to contact me, and keeping the contact 0? Or should I have called her sometime this weekend, or tomorrow (MONDAY)?

 

Ultimately I'm looking for some reassurance, direction, advice etc. I really like this girl, and see the potential for a real relationship to form. I just hope that I'm not becoming over-invested in someone who is perhaps 'done' with me or uninterested.

 

Thanks in advance guys/gals.

[youngskywalker]

If she let you sleep with her in her own bed then why didn't you have sex with her?

[thatone]

there is no relationship potential here. she was somewhat honest in that she didn't want to stop seeing other men even after you spent a weekend in bed with her, sounds like you just didn't pick up on it.

 

so that's what it is. you got yourself a friend with benefits if you want it, but it's not relationship material.

[Imparfait]

I guess what throws me off is how I'm apparently the first guy she has slept with since her ex (they broke up 3 months ago, but had stopped Being intimate 3 months before that).

 

She has also mentioned how she has a tendency to run when guys get close. That beig said, she is also very independent and cherishes this part of her life.

 

During the brief conversation we had when I first broached the exclusivity thing, she said she saw potential for us, but wasn't one to be rushed into anything.

 

I suppose that one way or another, considering how distant she has been over the past week, my best bet is merely to wait for her to contact me.

 

I get the distinct feeling that our 'weekends' together were a little too much, too soon, and causes her to withdraw. If/when I get a future opportunity for a date, I'm thinking I need it to have a more defined start and stop time that uses less of her time.

 

We are still getting to know each other in many respects, so time and space would seem to be the wisest course of action.

 

Does this make sense?

[westrock]

She has also mentioned how she has a tendency to run when guys get close.

 

This is a red flag as it is inconsistent with the basis of a healthy relationship.

[Imparfait]

There is definitely a spark, and we have a very strong connection. In some ways we have progressed very rapidly - IE sex by 5th date (3 weeks in).

 

I feel as if I've undermined myself by staying with her too long last weekend, as whatever 'relationship' we have is most definitely in its infancy, and time together should be kept under control.

 

When we are together things are great. We have fun together, talk, touch, kiss and have sex. She is interested in going places with me etc.

 

The week following up to the weekend of June 4th we spoke on the phone a couple of times (she called me at work twice).

 

I have had every indication that thigns between us were very positive and she is very interested.

 

This past week though, our communication has been low to non existant, and this past weekend (including today) there has been nothing.

 

I'm thinking I pushed her boundaries a bit too far last weekend, and the backlash has come in the form of more time apart.

 

It would make sense to think that when you first start dating someone, you go on max 2 dates a week. If you replace that with almost 48 hours together straight, then you are basically taking those 2 dates - plus all the intermittent communication - and condensing it into a period of 2 days. Leaving the remainder of the week vacant of each other.

 

Or do I sound completley out to lunch?

 

Either way, I am resolved to 'move on', as I believe I became more emotionally invested than her, in our budding 'relationship' after we slept together the first time.

[Imparfait]

As an addendum to my last post: If she contacts me this week, I will respond. So given another chance, which I think I will get - as she hasn't cut me out of her life completely (she was still answering texts last week, and hasn't deleted me off of Facebook) - I'm going to actively make an effort to slow things right back to where they should be. IE - ending dates just before the conversation dries up.

[Star Gazer]

You went from constant contact pre-sex, to nearly no contact post-sex. She also said she still wants to see other men AFTER you slept together.

 

This is code for, "I didn't enjoy the sex."

[Imparfait]

I will watch that movie tonight. Thanks for the info. I'll keep people posted.

[Jono85]

yeah man it doesn't look good at this point. definitely pump your brakes and lay low/don't initiate anything. it seems you've shown your hand (which isn't weird considering how much things progressed) and she knows how you feel, so let her initiate if she wants to keep things going. but i would start maybe looking for other girls at this point as it's a large possibility that she's not fully interested. i mean it's been more than a month, lots of sex, weekends together, and she's STILL looking for other options?? IMO i'd feel disprespected and move on. if she contacted me i'd tell her i think we're looking for different things, thanks and take care. like not upset or anything but firm. if she wants something more with you she'll let you know, if she doesn't she'll let u go.

 

might sound emo, or not "playing the game properly" but i have no time for these types of games. and she doesn't sound fully interested, so next her.

[Star Gazer]

I never have sex right away in a relationship. I think it is awkward to hit the sac so soon. It is way better to wait a long time so when it happens it is the culmination of a long long courtship.

 

I made the mistake of jumping into the sac right away with a girl and even lived with her. In the end we were not a match. It is better to wait as long as possible. It is much more romantic to take it very slowly.

 

Your response to my post is, well, non-responsive.

 

Nothing you said changes the fact that the sex was probably unsatisfactory (given the sequence of events). If good sex is important to her, it wouldn't matter if they had sex on the first date or months and months after exclusivity is established - she's bailing.

[Star Gazer]

You are right. I did not make myself clear.

 

I think sex is better after a firm emotional connection. Not everybody enjoys sex. Some people rather make love.

 

Does that make sense?

 

I understand, but that's still not relevant to what I'm saying.

 

Whether it was making love, sex, or screwing... It was likely BAD. Not just a matter of a lack of emotional connection, as MOST women feel a connection once they've had sex - unless it was really bad.

[Star Gazer]

Is there such a thing as bad sex?

 

Can you define bad sex?

 

Yes, there is absolutely such a thing as bad sex.

 

Are you a virgin?

[Star Gazer]

I guess any sex is better than no sex, lol.

 

What i am trying to express is that great sex sometimes has to do with having the right connection to the partner.

 

I don't think great sex is entirely related to physical dexterity.

 

In relationship to the OP you are probably correct. It seems odd she had such a major drop off after they had sex.

 

I agree that great sex often has to do with the connection.

 

What I am and have been saying is, even if there is a great emotional connection, sometimes the sex is STILL physically BAD enough to warrant ending a relationship. No amount of emotional connection can make up for really bad sex. It just doesn't work that way, IMO.

[Imparfait]

The first time we slept together, we also spent almost 3 days straight with each other. This was about 3 weeks into our dating.

 

Her mother was in town the following week to help her move appartments, so I left her alone for the most part. The following week, our contact picked up again. She started initiating with phone calls, something we had never done.

 

That weekend (June 4) we spent Saturday night, Sunday and Sunday night together - ending when I dropped her off at work. She kissed me goodby, exchanged a few texts on the Wednesday and Thursday, but her responses were delayed and not in full.

 

I'm not the kind of person to send more than one text/call at a time, so, having sent the last text I've merely been waiting to hear from her.

[Imparfait]

As for the sex, we are very compatible in that regard. If it was bad, then I'm sure 3-4 times a day wouldn't be happening (when we are together). We also communicate really well about our sexuality, so I'm not concerned that this is a problem.

 

She has had tough luck with men in her past. She has 0 relationship with her father, who also victimised her mother by cheating on her and then divorcing her when she was younger. They do not speak. Her only sibling, brother, doesn't communicate with her at all. Her last serious relationship she was fully committed too. Probably moreso than the other guy (military), and she was fully prepared to follow his career around. Then he cheated on her.

 

Prior to meeting me, she hadn't been sexually active for 6 months. Her last relationship ended 3 months ago, and the last 3 months of that relationship there was no sex involved. Essentially she found a man she could trust implicitely, but there was no passion or spark.

 

So at this point, every man who should have had a positive supporting influence in her life, has demonstrated their inability to do so. When she found a guy who she could trust, she ended up with no feelings for him.

 

She cherishes her independence, and likes doing things on her own. Thus being with me, and spending entire weekends together invades the space that she holds onto.

 

She is very career focused right now, and I realize that any relationship with her will have to start slowly - despite the fact that she has been a key initiator thus far in the whole process.

[Imparfait]

Update:

 

So I had the balls to call her tonight. Screw this game crap.

 

She admitted to being unready to commit to a relationship, but was monogamous with me as far as the sex/companionship goes.

 

I told her that I have no expectations, not to worry about my feelings and just to let things ride as is.

 

I am not looking for any long term relationship right now, and her being in a similar place is perfect for me.

 

Thanks for the help guys.

[Imparfait]

Pierre, you were definitely on the ball with this one. Personally speaking, I am two months out of a 2 year relationship and am not ready to commit to anything more than a monogamous sexual/companionship relationship.

 

Her being in the same arena means we can both enjoy each other without any undo expectations or mismatched emotional investments.

 

I guess us men need to really start growing balls and confronting our problems. I'm not promoting undue pressure, merely the requirement for guys to master their feelings and express themselves articulately and with compassion.