Did not see that coming

[Imajerk17]

I feel for you daphne. You wanted a relationship and you have been doing the right things to get it. You stopped worshipping at the alter of First Date Chemistry and actually gave the guy a chance based on something more lasting (major props for that--you know how few women do that?). And this guy sounded great up until now.

 

I don't know what to tell you honestly, because none of the options look all that great. You could either (a) break up with him and start all over with someone else from the beginning, or (b) have a talk with him and then walk if he does it again (which is likely). I say that (a) is the way to go though.

Edited June 14, 2011 by Imajerk17

[Tayla]

Sounds like you are a wise and respectable lady. Hindsight is so often 20/20 as you have been re-introduced to.

 

Take as much time as you need to work thru this, there is no real time line for how one heals and re-adjusts. I just wish you well in your future encounters.

 

To the guys, let this be a lesson that love the one your with and stop thinking the grass is greener ....it might just have some fertilizer that makes it appear that way...think about it

[Nexus One]

Sounds like you are a wise and respectable lady. Hindsight is so often 20/20 as you have been re-introduced to.

 

Take as much time as you need to work thru this, there is no real time line for how one heals and re-adjusts. I just wish you well in your future encounters.

 

To the guys, let this be a lesson that love the one your with and stop thinking the grass is greener ....it might just have some fertilizer that makes it appear that way...think about it

 

I just thought about it and I disagree. What you're essentially saying is that guys should stop looking at other women out of fear for either that their date will leave or for the possibility that the woman they're looking at is all display and no content, i.e. fake.

 

That's the wrong way to go about things, guys will rarely if ever change if you throw such arguments at them. Such fear arguments will rarely work with men.

 

Guys should be mature enough to realize that it might hurt their SO's feelings if they do something like that and they should realize that they don't want to hurt the most important person in their life. That realization should come from the guy himself.

 

A returning thing I see is that women are under the impression that they can reform men, that they can fix them, that they can repair them as if they were their projects. I've yet to encounter an example where that actually worked.

 

Don't believe me? Just look at Berlusconi. The guy is 74 and still chasing the young stuff and getting some. How many women do you think have had the idea they could tame him? Or how many do you think thought they could tame George Clooney? Thousands I'm telling you, George Clooney is on record to have said he slept with THOUSANDS of women.

 

Now imagine yourself telling George Clooney the argument you mentioned in your reply. A futile endeavor. He will walk away mid sentence to get some p*ssy.

Edited June 14, 2011 by Nexus One

[daphne]

Ah, so he's closer to my age than I thought (sorry, haven't read about his age until this). He needs a lifestyle change, and new hobbies / pastimes that are less ephemeral than chasing skirt. He has the best chick in town already, but he's so much of his free time looking for you, he's not developed his other interests. If he can start putting his excess energy into that, you guys will be onto a winner.

 

Well, I didn't think he was a skirt chaser before now. Jury's still out. I have never suggested that he change his lifestyle. He actually has. Probably because the differences have registered with him, and also that it's resonated in the past with previous gf's. I gave it a shot because he didn't fit the prototype of that guy. He really doesn't. But that doesn't mean anything. I'm not out to change a guy or take on a project. If it works as is, great. There will be times you grow and change a little to gravitate towards someone. But who you want to be is up to you. I'm not changing myself for him. I don't expect it from him either.

 

Do you have photographic evidence for us to consider?

 

Of her? of course not.

 

I'll just say that guys who like me are face men.

[daphne]

I feel for you daphne. You wanted a relationship and you have been doing the right things to get it. You stopped worshipping at the alter of First Date Chemistry and actually gave the guy a chance based on something more lasting (major props for that--you know how few women do that?). And this guy sounded great up until now.

 

I don't know what to tell you honestly, because none of the options look all that great. You could either (a) break up with him and start all over with someone else from the beginning, or (b) have a talk with him and then walk if he does it again (which is likely). I say that (a) is the way to go though.

 

Thanks. I guess I do have to remember that it is a good thing to give someone a chance, even if it ultimately may not work out. You give yourself a chance in the process.

 

I don't know. In my experience, you're right about b. It's usually not something that one grows out of. You either get it, or you don't. I'm starting to think it's not a big deal. I wasn't as disappointed over him doing it, as the thought that I knew it was a turnoff and this might be done.

 

Sounds like you are a wise and respectable lady. Hindsight is so often 20/20 as you have been re-introduced to.

 

Take as much time as you need to work thru this, there is no real time line for how one heals and re-adjusts. I just wish you well in your future encounters.

 

To the guys, let this be a lesson that love the one your with and stop thinking the grass is greener ....it might just have some fertilizer that makes it appear that way...think about it

 

Thanks Tayla. I don't need much down time. Just disappointed.

 

A returning thing I see is that women are under the impression that they can reform men, that they can fix them, that they can repair them as if they were their projects. I've yet to encounter an example where that actually worked.

 

Now imagine yourself telling George Clooney the argument you mentioned in your reply. A futile endeavor. He will walk away mid sentence to get some p*ssy.

 

Personally, I don't believe in changing anyone. I have tried, and failed miserably. I don't need a project.

 

Since I'm not looking for a Clooney, I generally avoid anyone who might come across as one.

[OliveOyl]

I'm on the fence about this one. I think it's possible it's been blown fairly out of proportion. In general, guys looking at girls doesn't bother me personally. As long as I don't think they would act on it, I'm more of the mind "you can look, but don't touch."

 

However, it sounded like it was more than just the looking... if he was actually ignoring the conversation to swivel his head, that would bother me. It often annoys me when I'm getting deep into conversation and something in the environment suddenly distracts whomever I'm talking with (regardless of whether it's another woman, man, dog, etc.).

 

It seems a bit extreme to dump someone over this, but on the other hand I wasn't there and didn't see how obvious his ogling was.

[thatone]

i have to wonder, what was attractive about this guy in the first place?

 

shallow people aren't able to hide the fact that they're shallow because they're.....shallow.

 

at least that's my experience.

[betterdeal]

Well, I didn't think he was a skirt chaser before now. Jury's still out. I have never suggested that he change his lifestyle. He actually has. Probably because the differences have registered with him, and also that it's resonated in the past with previous gf's. I gave it a shot because he didn't fit the prototype of that guy. He really doesn't. But that doesn't mean anything. I'm not out to change a guy or take on a project. If it works as is, great. There will be times you grow and change a little to gravitate towards someone. But who you want to be is up to you. I'm not changing myself for him. I don't expect it from him either.

 

I didn't mean to suggest you attempt to change him. I am suggesting, as a man, in a similar age-range, that he needs to change. It's just an observation, not an instruction. You don't come across as the insecure type who tries to manipulate someone.

 

Regards this specific incident, he says he wasn't checking her out all the time, you say he was and the conversation between you had faltered. Are there other interpretations of events that make sense? How about, he wasn't enjoying the conversation and rather than lustily looking at her, he was idly looking at her from time to time as a distraction from the conversation, or perhaps from something else on his mind?

 

I've done that. I see someone and think, "do I find that attractive?" or "why are they dressed like that?", "is that really necessary?", "can i smell shepherd's pie?", "did I pay the gas bill?" and so on.

 

When I go visit my therapist he has a large painting on the wall with a bridge over some water, and when my wanders, I start looking at the bridge.

 

You're smart, good looking, good conversation, and he doesn't normally do this, and he wants a change of lifestyle indicating depth. The more I hear about this, the more I see a picture of someone distracted by something else, the young thing being mere convenience for a wandering mind to rest its eyes on so as not to have to pay attention to what they were seeing, and the disconnection between you and him being the the thing that f*cks you off.

 

Could that be the case?

 

Of her? of course not.

 

Shame :|

 

I'll just say that guys who like me are face men.

 

All the more reason to think he was thinking not about her but about something else.

[daphne]

I'm not terribly manipulative. Unless it involves food.

 

No other interpretations really make sense. From the moment she walked up and passed us, his attention was on her. We were outside at that time. When we were inside, his attention to her resumed. I think he was trying to hide it, but his statements and energy were pretty clear. If it makes any sense, I play poker and I have a really good read on people. He could tell me a lot about her bf, for example. But pretended he didn't know what girl I was talking about.

 

Can I smell shepherd's pie? I would that it were what he was thinking. No, he wasn't thinking about the gas bill. It wasn't a distracted looking. But it's very telling that the guys that give him the benefit of the doubt (you for ex,) are probably guys who don't ogle women when with gf's. Those that have aggressively taken offense to how I feel, are probably guys who do ogle. Interesting.

[betterdeal]

I haven't given him the benefit if the doubt. I gave you a possible interpretation and asked if you thought it feasible. I don't know what happened, and I don't pretend to either.

 

My opinion is that you've read it right and he needs some new hobbies; now the honeymoon is over, either he finds less objectionable ways to indulge his passion, such as a sport, or you guys are not going to be happy together.

Edited June 14, 2011 by betterdeal

[nyc_guy2003]

Early on in my relationship with my wife she used to point out hot chicks on the street and comment about their hotness. I interpreted that as free license to do the same. I mentioned one time to her that a hot chick with huge boobs had walked into the restaurant and asked her what she thought. She said that she gets jealous when I talk about other women. That's the last time I mentioned hot chicks to her.

[betterdeal]

And the marriage is still strong as we approach our 3 month anniversary!

[daphne]

I interpreted that as free license to do the same. I mentioned one time to her that a hot chick with huge boobs had walked into the restaurant and asked her what she thought. She said that she gets jealous when I talk about other women. That's the last time I mentioned hot chicks to her.

 

Smart man. It's the same principle when speaking ill of family. I can bitch about them, but you cannot.

 

I think there's an unspoken belief among women, especially girls, that the guy who checks out other women in an overt way is kind of at the lower end of the desirability pool. None of us wants one. Time and time again when it happens to me, I check out the girl and feel she has settled. I think collectively we pity her if we're empathetic. So if we want the higher end of the desirability pool, we would much prefer finding a guy who is, at the very least, discreet. I don't know of any woman who tells herself that the guy she wants a long term relationship with is regularly checking out the competition in front of us. When you reverse genders, it's even more salient.

[thatone]

Smart man. It's the same principle when speaking ill of family. I can bitch about them, but you cannot.

 

I think there's an unspoken belief among women, especially girls, that the guy who checks out other women in an overt way is kind of at the lower end of the desirability pool. None of us wants one. Time and time again when it happens to me, I check out the girl and feel she has settled. I think collectively we pity her if we're empathetic. So if we want the higher end of the desirability pool, we would much prefer finding a guy who is, at the very least, discreet. I don't know of any woman who tells herself that the guy she wants a long term relationship with is regularly checking out the competition in front of us. When you reverse genders, it's even more salient.

 

it's no different than any other sense of basic right and wrong.

 

if he gets that wrong what else will he get wrong?

 

maybe little things.

 

maybe he doesn't open doors or let you order first in restaurants.

 

maybe he leaves dirty socks laying in the floor until they attract roaches and ants.

 

maybe he's one of those people that the front wheels on his car are black because he hasn't washed it in over a year.

 

maybe he interrupts people in conversations.

 

we're not talking about attraction, or men being visually wired, or women being jealous. we're talking about social grace. who wants to be with someone who has none?

 

(and to clarify i am a man, before someone accuses me of over analyzing something)

[betterdeal]

There's plenty of time to be looking for eye candy when you're not in company. It's just plain rude to be twiddling with your executive toys / checking your phone / eyeing up some young thing when you've agreed to be engaged in a conversation with someone.

[welikeincrowds]

I'll just say that guys who like me are face men.

 

My, you're confident.

[daphne]

There's plenty of time to be looking for eye candy when you're not in company. It's just plain rude to be twiddling with your executive toys / checking your phone / eyeing up some young thing when you've agreed to be engaged in a conversation with someone.

 

Yep!! It makes you want to spend your time doing something else.

 

My, you're confident.

He he. Well, when you get told these things, you start to believe it.

 

I am modest enough to know that I am no Pamela Anderson. I can run without falling over and I can get away with wearing tank tops in the summer.

[oaks]

I am modest enough to know that I am no Pamela Anderson. I can run without falling over and I can get away with wearing tank tops in the summer.

 

Sounds good to me. Big boobs are overrated.

[betterdeal]

More than a handful is a waste.