oaks Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 I don't know if there's a tendency, as per the thread title, but of course it happens. I only date women I find attractive, and if I'm attracted to her then does it matter if she's a 10 or even above average on anybody else's scoring system? What matters is that I want to be with her. Am I settling in such a situation? That's a bit like saying "could I keep searching to try and find someone better?" and it's unanswerable. Maybe I could find someone closer to being a 10, but maybe she wouldn't like me, or might not be compatible with me, or be taken already, etc.
GoodOnPaper Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 She asked her boyfriend why he was going out with her if she was a 7 and he said that he would rather date a 7 than go out with someone like Halle Berry, who would draw a lot of attention from the opposite sex. So this made me wonder, do guys often settle down and even marry, women who they are not attracted too? I don't know about "often", but I can understand how a guy could be sensitive about potential competition. I developed that mindset myself -- probably in a more over-the-top way than most guys -- as a consequence of being bad at attracting women. Every time I saw a woman who I thought was really attractive, my kneejerk thought response was that if I thought she was attractive enough to approach, so would a million other guys -- and since I never fared well against competition, I just didn't want to deal with that. The only problem is that finding a woman that you feel a lot of attraction for but don't think any other guy would want is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I was never able to pull it off.
iris219 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Every time I saw a woman who I thought was really attractive, my kneejerk thought response was that if I thought she was attractive enough to approach, so would a million other guys -- and since I never fared well against competition, I just didn't want to deal with that. Just because a million other guys think she's attractive enough to approach doesn't mean any of them are approaching her, often for the reason you state or because they think rejection is imminent. I've noticed that average (or just a bit above or below) women have the most men approaching them. Very attractive women are often thrilled to have anyone other than the over confident jerk approach them. They reject average guys less than you might think. (I'm not saying you're average; I'm just saying )
GoodOnPaper Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Very attractive women are often thrilled to have anyone other than the over confident jerk approach them. They reject average guys less than you might think. Certainly an appealing legend . . . but for me that ship has sailed. It's more than just being able to get an ego boost. Ultimately, I want to feel completely at ease and truly be myself around an LTR partner but with any kind of perceived power imbalance, that won't be possible. Maybe the OP's friend's bf feels similarly.
mortensorchid Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I don't think looks really play such a role, even though others will argue with me. I think there are other factors at work, and, although I will sound bitter when I say this, I think that guys in general actually want someone who is lesser than they are. Looks are one thing, but they want someone who does not have as much personality or innovation. Some have said that they want someone who does not have as much career success or make as much money as they do. That, I'm not always too sure of. We keep falling back on the sordid topic of coin because it's something tangible. That's really the only thing that's tangible when it comes to one's worth. I've seen it happen in the past. The last serious relationship I had was 5 years ago. We were not right for each other, we came from two completely different worlds, had different values, opinions, etc. And, I think he was rather jealous of me now that I think of it. I am comfortable with strangers, can easily chat with others, and tend to make friends easily if I want to. He hated people and was very anti social, not because those he knew in the past were bad or took advantage of him in any way, but because he feared them. Guys talk the talk, but they don't really walk the walk when put to the test. They go for women they feel more comfortable with, in that they want to feel superior to them, be the dominant force. If they are not dominant, they fear. Hope that doesn't sound bitter.
Woggle Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I think this is a by product of how society has turned romantic relationships into power struggle instead of partnerships. If people think of relationships in these terms it makes perfect sense to want somebody beneath you because the other option is you being beneath them but if you think of it as a partnership you want the best quality you can find in a mate because it is not about who is above or below the other.
Velociraptor Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I don't think looks really play such a role, even though others will argue with me. I think there are other factors at work, and, although I will sound bitter when I say this, I think that guys in general actually want someone who is lesser than they are. Looks are one thing, but they want someone who does not have as much personality or innovation. Some have said that they want someone who does not have as much career success or make as much money as they do. That, I'm not always too sure of. We keep falling back on the sordid topic of coin because it's something tangible. That's really the only thing that's tangible when it comes to one's worth. I don't want someone "lesser" than me, but however. I will never ask out a woman or contact a woman on a dating site who I know has more money than me or is more succesfull. And if I find out later on that the woman I asked out is more succesfull... I wouldn't contact her again. I might also sound bitter when I say this but... I'm a man. I will have to make the first move. I will have to chase and pursue a woman and put in all the work to get her and "woo" her... So I'm already at a disadvantage, why would I after all that want to be with a woman who has more money than me? It would make me look pathetic and desperate, and I'm neither. I'm of the strong belief that the one who is more succesful and has more money does the pursuing. You wouldn't pursue a man who has more money than you. Infact you wouldn't pursue a man, period. Pursuing a woman who has more money, puts the man at a permanent disadvantage. The woman will have all the power in the relationship and that just ain't healthy... There needs to be balance.
TheLawmaker Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I personally like nerdy women. Probably because, the more athletic and attractive a woman is, the more likely she is to be mean and nasty. Average women usually tend to be nicer.
thatone Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I don't think looks really play such a role, even though others will argue with me. I think there are other factors at work, and, although I will sound bitter when I say this, I think that guys in general actually want someone who is lesser than they are. Looks are one thing, but they want someone who does not have as much personality or innovation. Some have said that they want someone who does not have as much career success or make as much money as they do. That, I'm not always too sure of. We keep falling back on the sordid topic of coin because it's something tangible. That's really the only thing that's tangible when it comes to one's worth. I've seen it happen in the past. The last serious relationship I had was 5 years ago. We were not right for each other, we came from two completely different worlds, had different values, opinions, etc. And, I think he was rather jealous of me now that I think of it. I am comfortable with strangers, can easily chat with others, and tend to make friends easily if I want to. He hated people and was very anti social, not because those he knew in the past were bad or took advantage of him in any way, but because he feared them. Guys talk the talk, but they don't really walk the walk when put to the test. They go for women they feel more comfortable with, in that they want to feel superior to them, be the dominant force. If they are not dominant, they fear. Hope that doesn't sound bitter. i'm used to having more money than the women i date, by a factor of 5-7 usually, going by average income around here versus mine. if i met one with comparable income/net worth, i could really see money being a bigger issue than it would be with someone who has far less. people have such varying appreciation of money and material things, and having more tends to amplify their tendencies rather than make them more rational about money (the free spender will probably spend too much if he has more money, the cheap type will become the stereotypical obsessive millionaire cheapskate). two free spenders with a lot of money would probably struggle with budgeting themselves and wind up in financial trouble. two wealthy cheapskates would argue about who spent what until they drove each other away. looks versus personality is completely subjective. i don't try to chase the '10s'. for one thing '10' these days is perceived by most of the population as thin to the point of being athletic, which i don't like at all. i like the women who think they're ~20 pounds overweight. to me, visible muscle on a woman looks like she's trying to be a man. personality on the other hand i won't compromise on. i just can't tolerate stupid or shallow people. if i explain something in the most basic terms i know how to explain them in and the response is "i don't get it", it's an immediate turn off. if a woman stumps me with a thought or a story or even a word i don't know the definition of, i find that pretty attractive. do i look for myself then? maybe. i'm smarter than i am good looking, i suppose i subconsciously look for the same thing.
AD1980 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I think rating people is stupid,i just want soembody who im attracted to and for some of us thats not possible 1
Content Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Whats wrogn with being a 7? doesnt that mean above avergae looking:confused: Not many "10's" male or female walking around if your a 7 and above avergae looking you shouldnt have a problem finding a mate 1
Flgirl44 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 The first mistake my last bf made was rating me less than a 10 when I asked. The first mistake I made was asking haha. Anyways, yes I have heard guys say they want to date down just to feel more comfortable in the relationship and not have to deal with as many guys hitting on her/having to get into altercations when out at night as much. They still find the girl attractive but they feel they can be themselves with a less attractive girl then one that is on her A game all the time. Not all are like that but I have seen some in my observations. 1
PinkInTheLimo Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I don't want someone "lesser" than me, but however. I will never ask out a woman or contact a woman on a dating site who I know has more money than me or is more succesfull. And if I find out later on that the woman I asked out is more succesfull... I wouldn't contact her again. I might also sound bitter when I say this but... I'm a man. I will have to make the first move. I will have to chase and pursue a woman and put in all the work to get her and "woo" her... So I'm already at a disadvantage, why would I after all that want to be with a woman who has more money than me? It would make me look pathetic and desperate, and I'm neither. I'm of the strong belief that the one who is more succesful and has more money does the pursuing. You wouldn't pursue a man who has more money than you. Infact you wouldn't pursue a man, period. Pursuing a woman who has more money, puts the man at a permanent disadvantage. The woman will have all the power in the relationship and that just ain't healthy... There needs to be balance. This is pathetic. Why would you not want to be with a woman who makes more money than you? I would think that that will only make your life better and less stressful because you will not have to bear most of the couple's finances on your own. What on earth is bad about that? I have a comfortable salary and on top of that, a job with an extreme job security. And yes, I have met men who seemed to be jealous of that but these men are losers. If a guy can't appreciate the fact that I have worked hard to get to the financial position I am in, then he's not a great loss.
PinkInTheLimo Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Pursuing a woman who has more money, puts the man at a permanent disadvantage. The woman will have all the power in the relationship and that just ain't healthy... There needs to be balance. One thing is a fact: as a financially independent woman, I can leave the relationship any time I want if the man is not treating me well. Thanks god for that.
Velociraptor Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 This is pathetic. Why would you not want to be with a woman who makes more money than you? I would think that that will only make your life better and less stressful because you will not have to bear most of the couple's finances on your own. What on earth is bad about that? I have a comfortable salary and on top of that, a job with an extreme job security. And yes, I have met men who seemed to be jealous of that but these men are losers. If a guy can't appreciate the fact that I have worked hard to get to the financial position I am in, then he's not a great loss. I'm not jealous of anybody who has more money than me, man or woman. I pretty much never even think about how much money other people have. But, however. Read my post again, I gave my reasons for not wanting to date women who have more money. Do I need to write them out again? I might aswell, alebit this time I'll dumb it down for you. I have to chase the woman = womans advantage. I have to initiate all contact = womans advantage I have to put in all the work = womans advantage If she earns more money and is more succesful = also in the womans advantage. She would have all the power in the relationship BY FAR. It wouldn't be balanced. You might think it's just irrelevant nonsense... Offcourse you do. You are a woman and therefore already have it much easier than men, especially since you seem to be very succesfull. That means you'll always have a huge upper hand over your man.
Velociraptor Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 (edited) One thing is a fact: as a financially independent woman, I can leave the relationship any time I want if the man is not treating me well. Thanks god for that. So basicly. You want the man to chase you, woo you and put in all the effort even if he earns less money and is less succesfull. Must be nice for you I'm sure to have such an upper hand over a man. You would never pursue a man who is more succesfull than you. Infact you wouldn't pursue any man, period. EDIT: Add to the advantage's that women have that I listed in the post above this. Women also have the advantage sexually, which is a huge thing. If the woman earn's more money, the power balance is so skewed in her favor that it's just not healthy. Edited June 14, 2011 by Velociraptor
PinkInTheLimo Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 So basicly. You want the man to chase you, woo you and put in all the effort even if he earns less money and is less succesfull. Must be nice for you I'm sure to have such an upper hand over a man. You would never pursue a man who is more succesfull than you. Infact you wouldn't pursue any man, period. EDIT: Add to the advantage's that women have that I listed in the post above this. Women also have the advantage sexually, which is a huge thing. If the woman earn's more money, the power balance is so skewed in her favor that it's just not healthy. In what century were you born that you come up with these retarded ideas? Relationships are about love and respect, not about having the upper hand. We are living in 2011. Everyone, men and women, have the chance to study, pursue a career and realise their potential. Most men I know would not even want a woman who does not have a career. Relationships are partnerships, not some neanderthaler construction where the woman is the possession of the man.
Velociraptor Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Most men I know would not even want a woman who does not have a career. Offcourse I want a woman who has a career, but it's my choice not to date women are significantly more succesful than me. Relationships are partnerships, not some neanderthaler construction where the woman is the possession of the man. You really think that I believe the woman is the possesion of a man? Wow. You seem to have misunderstood me. I'm not saying women in general shouldn't have careers. I'm saying I won't date a woman with more money than me IF I have to do the chasing. I'll ONLY chase women who are on my "level" when it comes to both looks and career.
Velociraptor Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Relationships are about love and respect, not about having the upper hand. It's easy to say that when you have the upper hand.
Enchanted Girl Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife. If you want my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you. LOL! I LOVE THAT SONG! Yes offcourse... and according to you relationships works better if the man loves the woman more than the woman loves the man too. Basicly, relationships work best if the man absolutley adores his girlfriend/wife... while she couldn't care less about him OT: women who are 10 out of 10 doesn't seem to be "settling down with" material, The more beautiful a woman is the more high maintenance she is. Aswell as more stuck up and prude. I'd much rather want to be with say a 7 than a 10... I think it works best if the two people love each other equally. My current boyfriend and I are both "clingy" partners who are super nice and compliment a lot and give a lot of gifts. We have been left by people who felt upset by this and who manipulated us a lot. Because of this, we hid the depth of our feelings for each other in the beginning of our relationship. Now that we've shown the truth to one another and found out how compatible we are, we're madly in love!:love: I don't know about "often", but I can understand how a guy could be sensitive about potential competition. I developed that mindset myself -- probably in a more over-the-top way than most guys -- as a consequence of being bad at attracting women. Every time I saw a woman who I thought was really attractive, my kneejerk thought response was that if I thought she was attractive enough to approach, so would a million other guys -- and since I never fared well against competition, I just didn't want to deal with that. The only problem is that finding a woman that you feel a lot of attraction for but don't think any other guy would want is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I was never able to pull it off. You'd be surprised. Some girls think like that, too. Like me! I was only dating guys who were really ugly for awhile. I mean, most of them were attractive enough to me that I was content, but some of them actually repulsed me and my friends would ask me why I did this to myself. They were guys who were still virgins into their late twenties and early thirties. Not out of religious reasons either, but directly because they had tried to get girls to sleep with them and been unsuccessful completely for years because of their appearance. I dated a guy who said girls always ran from him whenever there was a blind date or a first date and I almost did the same. Some of them smelled bad, some were grossly obese, a lot of them had bizarre teeth, so on and so forth. My current boyfriend was so hot when I first met him that he drove me crazy. I tried to hide my attraction to him because I thought he'd never like me. Next thing I know, him and I are alone and he's trying to kiss me! Girls flirt with him in front of me (and actually tell me directly how hot he is and how they have a crush on him) and I don't enjoy it because I'm like you, not confident in myself when it comes to competition, but he has heard about all of this and has no desire to leave me. It's something I'm not used to. I'm used to dating guys that society rejects because I fear competition. I think this is a by product of how society has turned romantic relationships into power struggle instead of partnerships. If people think of relationships in these terms it makes perfect sense to want somebody beneath you because the other option is you being beneath them but if you think of it as a partnership you want the best quality you can find in a mate because it is not about who is above or below the other. Seriously, Woggle. You've gotten so smart lately. I agree with you one hundred percent and think many people in this thread need to read this post. I don't want someone "lesser" than me, but however. I will never ask out a woman or contact a woman on a dating site who I know has more money than me or is more succesfull. And if I find out later on that the woman I asked out is more succesfull... I wouldn't contact her again. I might also sound bitter when I say this but... I'm a man. I will have to make the first move. I will have to chase and pursue a woman and put in all the work to get her and "woo" her... So I'm already at a disadvantage, why would I after all that want to be with a woman who has more money than me? It would make me look pathetic and desperate, and I'm neither. I'm of the strong belief that the one who is more succesful and has more money does the pursuing. You wouldn't pursue a man who has more money than you. Infact you wouldn't pursue a man, period. Pursuing a woman who has more money, puts the man at a permanent disadvantage. The woman will have all the power in the relationship and that just ain't healthy... There needs to be balance. Why can't women pursue a man who has less money than them then? I personally like nerdy women. Probably because, the more athletic and attractive a woman is, the more likely she is to be mean and nasty. Average women usually tend to be nicer. Awww. =) I love to hear people say this since I am a nerdy person myself. This is pathetic. Why would you not want to be with a woman who makes more money than you? I would think that that will only make your life better and less stressful because you will not have to bear most of the couple's finances on your own. What on earth is bad about that? I have a comfortable salary and on top of that, a job with an extreme job security. And yes, I have met men who seemed to be jealous of that but these men are losers. If a guy can't appreciate the fact that I have worked hard to get to the financial position I am in, then he's not a great loss. My boyfriend and I both make hardly anything, but we're both trying to improve ourselves and there's a chance that either of us could suddenly start making more than the other. (We live together.) I asked him if it would upset him if I made more money than him and he said,"No! What kind of boyfriend would I be if I couldn't be happy for you and your life's successes? Besides, it would mean I could buy more stuff." And then we both laughed, so I agree with you. One thing is a fact: as a financially independent woman, I can leave the relationship any time I want if the man is not treating me well. Thanks god for that. This is actually important. You worded it in kind of a bad way though. Women stay in abusive relationships or relationships where they were cheated on sometimes if they feel like they can't make it on their own. Both parties should feel free to leave at any time and like they won't wind up homeless because of it so that there can be equality and no one can take advantage of the other person. And if women start making equal to (and sometimes more) than men, then you won't have to pay them alimony and child support if you divorce. One of my best friends in person is a big business woman and makes a lot of money. Her husband made less than her. And when they divorced, she had to give him a lot of money rather than the other way around because he hardly made anything. I'm not jealous of anybody who has more money than me, man or woman. I pretty much never even think about how much money other people have. But, however. Read my post again, I gave my reasons for not wanting to date women who have more money. Do I need to write them out again? I might aswell, alebit this time I'll dumb it down for you. I have to chase the woman = womans advantage. I have to initiate all contact = womans advantage I have to put in all the work = womans advantage If she earns more money and is more succesful = also in the womans advantage. She would have all the power in the relationship BY FAR. It wouldn't be balanced. You might think it's just irrelevant nonsense... Offcourse you do. You are a woman and therefore already have it much easier than men, especially since you seem to be very succesfull. That means you'll always have a huge upper hand over your man. I've pursued men lots of times and I don't think it should be so against society's rules for women to do the pursuing. My ex and I started dating because I pursued him. Also, if both of you aren't putting work into the relationship, then you don't have a relationship at all. So basicly. You want the man to chase you, woo you and put in all the effort even if he earns less money and is less succesfull. Must be nice for you I'm sure to have such an upper hand over a man. You would never pursue a man who is more succesfull than you. Infact you wouldn't pursue any man, period. EDIT: Add to the advantage's that women have that I listed in the post above this. Women also have the advantage sexually, which is a huge thing. If the woman earn's more money, the power balance is so skewed in her favor that it's just not healthy. I'm always the weird one when it comes to these issues, I guess. I've never had the advantage sexually in any serious relationship I've had. My ex pressured me to do bizarre sexual things that I didn't want to and did this by withdrawing all love and attention from me if I didn't comply. And my current boyfriend has a lower sex drive than me (I have a very high one for a woman and its hereditary and related to hormones, a doctor has even told me this) and is less open-minded, so I have to respect his boundaries and wait for him to approach me about sex. (And its really not as big of deal or nearly as hard to do as many men make it out to be, especially if you're masturbating whenever you feel frustrated.) My current boyfriend though doesn't feel like he's holding it over my head or using it to manipulate me and that's because he's not a manipulative person. If you feel manipulated in this area, then maybe you are dating women for the wrong reasons and are dating manipulative women. In what century were you born that you come up with these retarded ideas? Relationships are about love and respect, not about having the upper hand. We are living in 2011. Everyone, men and women, have the chance to study, pursue a career and realise their potential. Most men I know would not even want a woman who does not have a career. Relationships are partnerships, not some neanderthaler construction where the woman is the possession of the man. Agreed.
thatone Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I think this is a by product of how society has turned romantic relationships into power struggle instead of partnerships. If people think of relationships in these terms it makes perfect sense to want somebody beneath you because the other option is you being beneath them but if you think of it as a partnership you want the best quality you can find in a mate because it is not about who is above or below the other. Seriously, Woggle. You've gotten so smart lately. I agree with you one hundred percent and think many people in this thread need to read this post. So you've never ignored a phone call or text, or said you were busy when you weren't, or any other such thing? I highly doubt that. The power struggle goes both ways and it's in all facets of relationships, not just the money or status.
Enchanted Girl Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 So you've never ignored a phone call or text, or said you were busy when you weren't, or any other such thing? I highly doubt that. The power struggle goes both ways and it's in all facets of relationships, not just the money or status. Not until my most recent relationship because people like you were telling me that that's what you do to get someone to commit to you and want to stay with you. And I was trying to figure out why people leave me. And then I wound up finding out that my boyfriend was the same as me and trying not to seem too desperate either and if both of us had just acted like ourselves from the beginning, we would have been happier.
Queen Zenobia Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 So you've never ignored a phone call or text, or said you were busy when you weren't, or any other such thing? I highly doubt that. The power struggle goes both ways and it's in all facets of relationships, not just the money or status. Never done such a thing with someone I was interested in. Power struggle? Who are you, Henry Kissinger? 1
Enchanted Girl Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Never done such a thing with someone I was interested in. Power struggle? Relationships being about love? HAH! Obviously they are about who wins and making the loser feel miserable and like they can't survive without you. It's healthy. /sarcasm
Velociraptor Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Why can't women pursue a man who has less money than them then? Ehmm OFFCOURSE they can, but women don't want to do the pursuing. For women it's essential that the man chases them... If women have 2 options. A) She can get a great guy if she pursues him and makes the first move B) She can get a "less" great guy but he'll chase her and make the first move They'll chose option B, every time. My boyfriend and I both make hardly anything, but we're both trying to improve ourselves and there's a chance that either of us could suddenly start making more than the other. (We live together.) I asked him if it would upset him if I made more money than him and he said,"No! What kind of boyfriend would I be if I couldn't be happy for you and your life's successes? Besides, it would mean I could buy more stuff." And then we both laughed, so I agree with you. But if what you said was true, That you pursued him. Then it's ok. I'd have no problem being with a woman who earns more than me... If she pursued me. I'm not gonna go out of my way and chase and "woo" a woman who already is more succesfull than me and has it better than me. I've pursued men lots of times and I don't think it should be so against society's rules for women to do the pursuing. My ex and I started dating because I pursued him. It's women who came up with those rules. It's only women who say it's wrong and that women should never pursue men. You never hear a man say that do you? I'm always the weird one when it comes to these issues, I guess. I've never had the advantage sexually in any serious relationship I've had. My ex pressured me to do bizarre sexual things that I didn't want to and did this by withdrawing all love and attention from me if I didn't comply. And my current boyfriend has a lower sex drive than me (I have a very high one for a woman and its hereditary and related to hormones, a doctor has even told me this) and is less open-minded, so I have to respect his boundaries and wait for him to approach me about sex. (And its really not as big of deal or nearly as hard to do as many men make it out to be, especially if you're masturbating whenever you feel frustrated.) My current boyfriend though doesn't feel like he's holding it over my head or using it to manipulate me and that's because he's not a manipulative person. If you feel manipulated in this area, then maybe you are dating women for the wrong reasons and are dating manipulative women. The one who wants it less always has power over the one who wants it more, and in most cases it's the woman who wants it less. Usually the one with the higher drive will always initiate sex. And in most cases that's the man. Since you never initiate sex, that doesn't really apply to you.
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