Good things from As

[wheelwright]

For some it might be a renewed intimacy and strength in a M. For others the courage to leave.

 

For me, in my new post A and post M life, here are some of the good things that happened. A kind of hindsight for what looks like making a mess of your life, but that actually brings something better.

 

I learnt that to live with the heart and the soul is not a bad thing, even if it goes against the culture.

 

I learnt to dance. I was too intimidated by the world/being me before.

 

That to live with honesty is more important than trying to protect others from what creeps into your heart.

 

If everyone tells you you are insane, think about that, but don't freak out. Question yourself, but not so much you lose a handle.

 

That mostly your intuition will tell you if you are dealing with a player, a narcissist, a co-dependant, a passive aggressive, or a real lover. And fear can shout right over the top of intuition if you let it.

 

That being let go of is not the same as being abandoned. The latter is a state of mind.

 

That the fat lady sings many times only to come back on stage. Life is fluid and not made of watersheds except in death. That faith goes on and takes new forms.

 

That love is beautiful and on occasion people involved in infidelity reach out for that because they don't know how to live.

 

That people who judge infidelity as a wholesale evil probably elevate loyalty above other virtues. I think loyalty is highly important, but sometimes the things we tie ourselves to were not right for us, and there is a hardship in realising this.

 

Like making a promise you should never have made.

 

Better to realise you should not have promised, than to continue the promise once you realise.

 

I feel for people on all sides, and realise for many an A is a wake up call and they smell the roses in the M.

 

But this is what I have learnt for me.

 

I guess I couldn't stay away yet

[Mr.Harris]

For some it might be a renewed intimacy and strength in a M. For others the courage to leave.

 

For me, in my new post A and post M life, here are some of the good things that happened. A kind of hindsight for what looks like making a mess of your life, but that actually brings something better.

 

I learnt that to live with the heart and the soul is not a bad thing, even if it goes against the culture.

 

I learnt to dance. I was too intimidated by the world/being me before.

 

That to live with honesty is more important than trying to protect others from what creeps into your heart.

 

If everyone tells you you are insane, think about that, but don't freak out. Question yourself, but not so much you lose a handle.

 

That mostly your intuition will tell you if you are dealing with a player, a narcissist, a co-dependant, a passive aggressive, or a real lover. And fear can shout right over the top of intuition if you let it.

 

That being let go of is not the same as being abandoned. The latter is a state of mind.

 

That the fat lady sings many times only to come back on stage. Life is fluid and not made of watersheds except in death. That faith goes on and takes new forms.

 

That love is beautiful and on occasion people involved in infidelity reach out for that because they don't know how to live.

 

That people who judge infidelity as a wholesale evil probably elevate loyalty above other virtues. I think loyalty is highly important, but sometimes the things we tie ourselves to were not right for us, and there is a hardship in realising this.

 

Like making a promise you should never have made.

 

Better to realise you should not have promised, than to continue the promise once you realise.

 

I feel for people on all sides, and realise for many an A is a wake up call and they smell the roses in the M.

 

But this is what I have learnt for me.

 

I guess I couldn't stay away yet

 

There is no happiness in affairs. Nothing but hurt, deception, and trauma.

[wheelwright]

There is no happiness in affairs. Nothing but hurt, deception, and trauma.

 

I wonder at your omniscient viewpoint.

 

You must be very clever and interesting. Is there anything else that may illuminate those with a lesser access to an objective truth?

[Mr.Harris]

I wonder at your omniscient viewpoint.

 

Yup.

 

You must be very clever and interesting. Is there anything else that may illuminate those with a lesser access to an objective truth?

 

Sure. How about divorce so one can be free to pursue all of the sex they like, instead of keeping their partner in the dark and withholding their right to make decisions on their own? Why does one need their partner to have sex with another? Because they like to have their cake and eat it all too.

[wheelwright]

Yup.

 

 

 

Sure. How about divorce so one can be free to pursue all of the sex they like, instead of keeping their partner in the dark and withholding their right to make decisions on their own? Why does one need their partner to have sex with another? Because they like to have their cake and eat it all too.

 

My friend told me recently she had only ever had one partner who gave her easy and repeated orgasms in sex. And she had no emotional connection to him at all.

 

She would rather kiss her current man than experience any of those orgasms.

 

It is about finding your way rather than eating cake.

[Mr.Harris]

My friend told me recently she had only ever had one partner who gave her easy and repeated orgasms in sex. And she had no emotional connection to him at all.

 

She would rather kiss her current man than experience any of those orgasms.

 

It is about finding your way rather than eating cake.

 

And it is completely fine at finding your own way, but in order to achieve that one must do it at the risk and expense of themselves, not others.

[Owl]

WW...what do you think your H learned from your A?

 

Do you believe he's as happy with the outcome of your affair as you are?

[donnamaybe]

That people who judge infidelity as a wholesale evil probably elevate loyalty above other virtues.

Nope. Honesty.

[thomasb]

There is no 'good' that came out of my having an affair. Anything I could say did would only be a rather pathetic way to try to justify the pain and heartbreak I caused my wife and family.

[OWoman]

For some it might be a renewed intimacy and strength in a M. For others the courage to leave.

 

For my H, it was the courage to love, to grow, to embrace his own worth and cast off the shackles, and to allow himself his own happiness.

 

For his xW, it was her own space and the removal of any pretensions of having to accommodate anyone else's views, preferences or desires.

 

For me, it was a whole new lifescape.

[Mimolicious]

The best thing... That my xH now cheats on someone else, not on me!

 

Thank you! Nothing better than that!

[Memphis Raines]

marriage "survive" infidelity, if you call it surviving.

 

Sure, life goes on, and the infidelity may not seem to bother the BS, but i guarantee you, it does. It just doesn't infect every thought in every day of their life any longer.

 

So sure, a marriage can move on and become ok again. That works for the cheater just fine. Not so much for the person that has to have those memories pop up in their head from time to time.

[thomasb]

marriage "survive" infidelity, if you call it surviving.

 

Sure, life goes on, and the infidelity may not seem to bother the BS, but i guarantee you, it does. It just doesn't infect every thought in every day of their life any longer.

 

So sure, a marriage can move on and become ok again. That works for the cheater just fine. Not so much for the person that has to have those memories pop up in their head from time to time.

 

 

It is always wrong to write in absolutes. My marriage is wonderful. Fully recovered for over a decade. And that works for myself and my wife, just fine!

[Linda9999]

My marriage is much better today than it was before he cheated. But that is in SPITE of the affair, not because of it. Him doing what he did woke him up - kind of like a drunk losing their home and family before they quit drinking. Is the drinking a good thing?

[dale_gribble]

Are you telling me that the "affair" was a good thing- in hindsight. As Charlie rown would say, " Good grief." Now you're just rationalizing the thing.

[nyrias]

There is no happiness in affairs. Nothing but hurt, deception, and trauma.

 

To the BS, yes if discovered.

 

To the WS, if he is selfish enough not to feel guilty, it would be fun cake-eating if he is not discovered.

 

Let's be objective about this. Obviously it is not just hurt & trauma for the WS .. otherwise who would cheat?

[donnamaybe]

To the BS, yes if discovered.

 

To the WS, if he is selfish enough not to feel guilty, it would be fun cake-eating if he is not discovered.

 

Let's be objective about this. Obviously it is not just hurt & trauma for the WS .. otherwise who would cheat?

Once the BS discovers, I'm willing to bet a LOT of cash that the WS gets plenty of "hurt and trauma."

[nyrias]

Once the BS discovers, I'm willing to bet a LOT of cash that the WS gets plenty of "hurt and trauma."

 

Of course. That is why i have the "if not discovered" qualifier in my sentence.

 

A related question is how often cheating is discovered. Unfortunately i can't find any statistics on it because obviously there aren't any on the As that are never discovered.

[Mr.Harris]

To the BS, yes if discovered.

 

Even if it isn't discovered the marriage has already been destroyed.

 

To the WS, if he is selfish enough not to feel guilty, it would be fun cake-eating if he is not discovered.

 

Let's be objective about this. Obviously it is not just hurt & trauma for the WS .. otherwise who would cheat?

 

Nothing good comes out an affair for everyone.

[donnamaybe]

This is whack.

 

AKA rationalization.

[rafallus]

Nothing good comes out an affair for everyone.

 

Well, good things came from crap like World Wars or Black death, so I'm quite sure something good can come from affair too. Doesn't mean affair is good overall.

 

The best thing is that now you're no longer deluded about the partner being flawless - not even close.

[nyrias]

Even if it isn't discovered the marriage has already been destroyed.

 

Sure, if you are from the perspective of an outside observer.

 

However, we are talking about pain & trauma. There is none is it is not discovered. In fact, it is well documented, and also seen MANY times on this site that the most pain & trauma is brought by discovery.

 

Hence, no discovery = no pain & no trauma, and of course this is conditioned on the fact that STD is not a factor (for example EAs).

[Trimmer]

You are essentially offering the thesis: "trauma brings change, some of it potentially positive." I can't disagree. But people also have transformative experiences as a result of house fires, debilitating illnesses, plane crashes, etc. This doesn't justify or validate a person choosing to create such traumas.

 

Like making a promise you should never have made.

 

Better to realise you should not have promised, than to continue the promise once you realise.

I have no problem with this thesis. But this, in itself, doesn't inexorably point to an affair. An affair is one possible response, among others.

 

The question whose answer really defines your character is: which response will you choose in your path forward from this realization? Deception, of yourself and of others, seems easy - at first, at least. Honesty is more difficult, right from the start, but it is always within your power to choose.

 

Having character and honor isn't necessarily the "easier" path, at least at the outset, but it is ALWAYS available as a choice.

[nyrias]

Even if it isn't discovered the marriage has already been destroyed.

Nothing good comes out an affair for everyone.

 

This statement is obviously NOT true.

 

Many psychologist, therapists and authors have built their career around affairs. To some of them, affairs (and specifically case studies) have brought them financially success.

 

The statement will be more accurate ... if it is revised to

 

Nothing good comes out of an affair for the BS, WS and their children (and feel free to add any other appropriate groups).

[Trimmer]

Sure, if you are from the perspective of an outside observer.

 

However, we are talking about pain & trauma. There is none is it is not discovered. In fact, it is well documented, and also seen MANY times on this site that the most pain & trauma is brought by discovery.

 

Hence, no discovery = no pain & no trauma, and of course this is conditioned on the fact that STD is not a factor (for example EAs).

.... do you live in one of those places where the mail is delivered by unicorns that poop cupcakes?

 

"...the most pain & trauma is brought by discovery." This is a little like saying - hey those injuries from your car crash were caused by your own dashboard. You were fine until you hit that...