here4her Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Been dating someone for 5 months we share the same personality with some different interests. We get a long great, never had a disagreement, ect.... but really don't have what new relationships should. There's not really much holding hands, affection, talking ect.. the past three times seeing each other there wasnt even a hug before leaving. Today she told me she wants to keep trying but doesn't feel chemistry like she should when first dating someone. I agree we don't really spark the way new couples do, but I don't know why, I like her a lot we both have had some pretty bad relationship experiences mine ending about 2 years ago hers ending about a year ago. Is it damage from being hurt in our previous relationships? Is there anything I can do to try to help the situation without pressuring her? I haven't pushed to hold hands, or be really affectionate, I want to but don't want to make her feel pressured. I need help, She seems perfect and I don't wanna lose her!
spiderowl Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Have you had much physical contact at all? I mean, kissing, touching, maybe even having sex? It's hard to tell from your post just what this means if we don't know how physically involved you are in the first place.
Author here4her Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 Sorry I tried to keep it short in the first post. Yes to all the above, but kinda minimal. (quick kiss good bye when see each other, we held hands for maybe a total of 15 min, Some playful hits, sex only a couple times)
spiderowl Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Are you getting the impression she is trying to make physical contact or avoiding it? If you move to sit next to her, what does she do? Is she making it difficult for you to approach her and hold her hand or kiss her? I think if there is little physical contact it could be for a few reasons: - She is expecting you to initiate it and you aren't - You are trying to initiate it but she's avoiding you - You are both physically shy If she moves away when you try to get close then that is not a good sign. It would indicate that she's not comfortable or is avoiding contact. I must admit, when I have felt that a guy wasn't right for me, I haven't always known it straight up but have generally avoided physical contact. If that's the case, you might as well have a talk about it and break up with her. If it's just that she's shy and you're shy, then you need to become more assertive and take the initiative with holding her hand, bringing her close and finding quiet places where you can kiss her. That kind of physical approach (when not unwelcome) can increase the chemistry otherwise it just remains a remote friendship.
Author here4her Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 We are both VERY shy!! Most of the time we are together she has her kids (3) and so if they are all on the couch Ill sit in the chair nearby. Once in a while the couch will be open and Ill sit with her, she doesn't seem to get up and flee, but I noticed a couple times a hour or two later she gets up to do something and then returns to the chair. One time I asked her to come sit back with me, and she replied "nah I don't wanna sit over there". She has asked me to stay the night a couple times, but not lately I've drove home the other night at 2am. I told her the other day I wanted to start holding hands, and being more affectionate, I don't even think we really look like a couple to other people. She didn't even respond, So I'm not really sure what he input on that is, and kinda fear putting her in a situation she's not comfortable with. She invites me to functions with her all the time, I always go cause I want to show her I will always be there, But each and every time I feel kinda let down in the end at the lack of affection. Today we went somewhere in separate cars, and when we went to leave I was putting her son in his car seat she got in the car and closed the door. I didn't even get a hug, then 5 min later she texted me she wants to keep trying but doesn't feel chemistry. In the beginning I didn't feel anything, but knew she was worth trying for and as time progressed I am now feeling things, but she seems to be struggling. I wish I could just flip a switch and make it happen, I'm not sure if shes mentally blocking something from her previous relationship (which is still causing issues in her life). Maybe I'm being to nice, or doing something wrong. I can't see it being were not right for each other when everything else seems to be perfect.
Author here4her Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 *UPDATE* A couple days pass, and I'm feeling something is wrong, I'm not getting a good morning or good night, Actually I feel If I don't initiate contact there would be none. I asked her to hang out the other night, and she said she sorry but shes to tired (which she does have a very hectic schedule) So I wasn't sure how to take it. Last night I told her I felt Maybe there wasn't that spark because we are so alike, both very shy, quiet, ect.. Which IMO is good for the long run, but kinda hinders that opposites attract thing. I told her I was going to step outside my comfort zone some and try to open up, be more aggressive, and be that person she might need to try to start something. She replied She didn't feel that was it, and if there was that chemistry we would know. She also said she felt if we tried to push it things could end badly. I said well It sounds as if you gave up, and I cant do it by myself, and apologized for bringing it up before bed. She said its ok, good night, and we will talk about it tomorrow. So I think I lost my chance, and I'm pretty sure its going to be best to just walk away
rafallus Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 For next girls, you gotta push things more than that. It was clearly not enough.
Author here4her Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 *update* She broke things off between us recently, and decided to tell me what was going on. The MIA MM that got her pregnant and left to be with his wife was the issue. He doesn't see or support his daughter I was 400times more of a father to her then he was. somehow, someway he made his way over there to continue the affair a couple times. She said numerous times she wasn't feeling the way she thought she should. I personally now think she was looking for all the wrong feelings (the nervousness, excitement, ect...) of being with someone she shouldn't be with. She swears it was a mistake and she doesn't want to be with him, but it happened a couple times, and she also decided to call his wife and let her know, which leads me to believe shes trying to destroy his marriage so he will run back to her.
thatone Posted June 27, 2011 Posted June 27, 2011 you don't wanna be around that situation anyway. take it as a blessing. she made a terrible decision that she has to live with for the rest of her life. you wanna be around that every day?
Author here4her Posted June 27, 2011 Author Posted June 27, 2011 No not at all.. Her recent actions have led me to believe I along with all of her friends and family have been fooled. Her mom told me a couple months ago to hang in there for her cause she's a good girl who has been dealt some bad cards. Little do they know she dealt and continues to deal them to herself while everyone else picks up the slack left by the mm who doesn't take care of his daughter, but gets his in when he needs to. I'm sorry but I don't have any respect for anyone who tries to get involved with someone who is married. I've had my marriage torn apart due to that there's no good enough excuse for being a home wrecker.
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