novus69 Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 (edited) I have not posted my story here…yet, this is my first post. However, I felt the need to first share my insight into the “forest of red flags”. I have extensive experience in ignoring major red flags which has lead to painful, agonizing, and drawn out experiences. I have added my "analysis" for some of them (totally based on my experience!). This list of red flags is comprised of behaviors, comments, and actions, is in no particular order, and is incomplete (hard to believe...). Some of these may make no sense to you at all, however, some of you may recognize them in your relationships as well, regardless of being male or female. Some of these may not even be a red flag and are a borderline rant of mine…… Synopsis: PAY ATTENTION! Don’t be stupid! Honor yourself! THE FOREST: Mistaking his persistency for love Very intense in the beginning, tells me how beautiful I am, how smart, I am basically a freaking goddess….(let’s face it, us women love to hear that s***) He asked me if I would consider having his children on our first official date (known him 3 years from work, still, I don’t know you!....I have grown children and no able to have children…so that was a NO) Asks me to marry him within 2 months…I said I need more time to get to know him…..keeps asking me repeatedly over the next few months, even getting confrontational about it at times….saying “we’re adults, you should know what you want”… Once I told him I love him (he said it first), he was constantly questioning my love for him…..(do you mean it?, do you really love me?, ….) = Very insecure but puts up a very masculine, strong facade Claims he never asked anyone else to marry him ( he said he was married once, she asked him…..he did forget to mention his 2nd marriage…..) Makes comments about my a** a lot, how nice it is….(because that’s all that matters to this guy….but again…..us women like to hear that ****) He “oozes” with romance and passion for me (so he can you know what me me as soon as possible….) He does end up you know what me like he owns me and professing his love for me while he’s at it…(…very skillfully may I ad…..and yes, it helps to keep you hooked to the $%^&*#@$.) Tells me he’s an “open book” (with just a “few” pages missing….) He has “nothing to hide” (meaning “I have lots to hide…”) He likes his “privacy” (meaning “I have lots to hide…”) He has no friends (therefore nobody to ask questions about him…) His family does not speak to him (some story how it’s their fault..) He was physically and mentally abused by both, father and mother Says he’s turning into his father (big red flag here…) His mother deceived him, she was a liar, did not protect him from his father (big red flag here….) He doesn’t trust people (including me) He never let me see his apartment (not until we moved in together and it was moving day….it was bad…..) He says “you were made for me” (you’ll be perfect for me, since you are totally buying into my BS!) He says “I trust you” (meaning I want you to blindly trust me so I can deceive you because you’re a fool!) Tells me his whole life story in the beginning, even things he’s not so proud off…..I start doing the same….only for him to use it against me later….no matter how miniscule! He tells me “to run” before I get to close to him…(?) (….which means “RUN!”) Says “a leopard never changes his spots” (ladies, a lot of times they actually DO tell you the truth with some of these comments they make…..) Says “he’s a hard person to love” (this is what his mother said about him. In English: “I love nobody but myself”) He says “This is all about me” and how I make him feel (it is all about him, telling the truth) Long, secretive past, admits being violent in the past, has changed….(shouldn’t take this lightly!) Says military taught him to “compartmentalize” (my translation: he can do bad things and not feel any guilt = sociopath) He says “you are my world” (in one of his compartments…just telling me this s*** to keep me feeling like I’m the one….) Says “he’s his own man” (meaning he does what he wants and he means it) He constantly says “Thank you for loving me” (until we moved in together…..it means ”thank you for totally buying into my BS!”) Asks me randomly a million times “how are you?” (when I actually start telling him, interrupts me and starts talking…..still can’t figure that one out….) Always says “talk to me”….. (yet when I say something, he ends up talking about himself…) Constantly asks me “what are you thinking right now” (just checking to see if I “know” anything…needs constant re-assurance?.....) When he talks, ALWAYS ends up talking about himself. Likes to build himself up (craves approval and admiration of others, especially female attention) Talks about way too many women from his past…(never made sense to me but I think it is actually some form of “bragging”, saying to me, hey, you’re lucky I even want to marry you…) Tells me about women hitting on him (at work, at the store….see above) Says he just “loves women” ……(self explanatory) …. especially “brilliant” women ( he likes to suck the life out of them and use them for all that they have) When watching TV, likes to stop on channels that show young, sexy women…..(no big deal right?...I think give the guy a break…..but may be it just annoyed me a bit when he would say s*** like “yea baby”…or “that’s my girl”….give me a little more respect, you old #$&@….) He blows hot and cold (one day you are his life blood, the next day he merely acknowledges your presents…) His stories don’t make sense, lots of discrepancies over time. His words do NOT match his actions (this is a major one to pay attention to!!!!!!!!!!!!!) When I asked him if he would see me (this was starting after the first few weeks of dating) he would say “we’ll see, I don’t look that far ahead….”, always leaving his options open, being evasive. Did I mention “being evasive”? !!!!!!!!!!! (this is another MAJOR red flag. If someone is evasive, they are hiding something….period!!) Telling you as little as possible (it’s called omission of truth. It is a very convenient way of justifying to oneself that you are not really lying about anything, you’re just not talking about it.) When asking him questions about why he didn’t call, who are all these phone calls/ txts to, why won’t he talk to me, why is he acting so cold, where was he all this time ….when you start asking why /where/ when questions he gets very defensive and then hurls all kinds of s*** in your face…..and you, for the sake of peace, back off and shut up and end up feeling bad for questioning the $%^&…… His cell phone ringer is on silent He gets nervous when you sit near his computer with him to look up something…. (makes excuses to not get on it….I may see something…?) Stops talking to you altogether and gets defensive when you ask what’s going on….get the “I have a lot on my mind” line (I know now he indeed had a lot on his mind….) Asks me what I told my friends and family about him Gets annoyed sometimes when I call him and wants to get of the phone quickly He sees me and he says “what’s for dinner” or “I’m hungry” (meaning “cook for me”) When making “love”, he says “tell me you are mine forever”….when I say it back to him he has an asthma attack…………. When making “love”, he says “you are exclusively mine, aren’t you?”….I reassuringly say “of course”! and when saying the same back to him he gives you a blank stare……… I find out he’s hiding the fact that he takes “Viagra”….. I find out he’s been on a dating websites for months while living with me. When confronted, it was my fault because I did not say “I do” yet (seriously?......) I somehow become so mentally demented that I actually finally agree to marry this guy after all the red flags listed above………..as if this would make him change…… The man that treated me like a goddess in the beginning now becomes aggressive in arguments and verbally attacks me and is able to call me: A b*** A wh**e A piece of s*** A sewer rat A redneck c*** The man that treated me like a goddess in the beginning shows tendencies towards physically harming me (grabbing me….”nearly” hitting me, not yet at least….) The man that treated me like a goddess in the beginning acts like an overall low life because I am uncovering the truth about him and have the ungodly nerve to confront him about it And to top it all, I find his online phone records and see all the unexplained texting and calling that he’s been avoiding to answer me about to: a) a girl that is 26 years his junior! b) for nearly a year!! (I had a shared phone account with him, because he wanted to buy me a nicer phone(?)..or he wanted me to find this?). When confronted, said she was just a “thing” prior to us, and of course that there was nothing between them anymore….gave me some elaborate story as to why he still “had to have” contact with her…some black mailing story…….) I blitzkrieg his a** and end up growing some brain cells and move out all within one week……..he, again, pulls out his “arsenal of love” and activates yet another part of my brain that should have remained dormant…..it’s called “forgiveness”. He says he can’t live without me (oh, yes he can….it’s just that now he is really going to use me…..after all , I’m the b*** that wanted to move out…) He says we can make this work (meaning you do all the work, I’m not) He says he’s just a “simple man” (meaning, he is keeping it simple, don’t expect s*** from him) His “arsenal of love” quickly is replaced by his “damage control department” He suddenly quits his job after opening my mail that should have come to my new place (I think he reversed my address change online to get my mail), discovering I cashed in my retirement fund, knowing my name is still on the lease for the house and all utilities are still in my name….. After me moving out and him quitting his job, he tells me he may get deported……as if I’m supposed to feel compassion for him now…..… He actually thinks he has me where he wants me again, only for me to find him again online “advertising”……. Final Result: I do not hear another peep out of this coward after presenting him the evidence which annihilates any hair brained idea of any future involvement with this creature. ------ I HAVE NOBODY ELSE TO BLAME BUT MYRSELF------ Edited June 13, 2011 by novus69 correction
Author novus69 Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 (edited) I have not posted my story here…yet, this is my first post. Actually, after reading through this again...this IS my story. I still can't believe I gave this guy so many chances....how can someone be so wrong about another person? I allowed myself to be grossly disrespected.This has seriously damaged my trust in myself. Edited June 13, 2011 by novus69
NicoleM Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Good post! I can agree with the first one totally. He told me how sexy I was and how I was the sexiest person he never dated god could I have been anymore naive?? He also made comments about my *** as well alot in fact. Definitely oozed with romance and passion. He wasn't an open book though he kept his book closed that is for sure but he did manage to open up a few pages and told me his father was in jail and he did alot of hardcore drugs back in the day. He did thank me alot like thank you for going back out on a date with me or thank you for being so kind. He definitely liked talking about himself that is for sure! Very rarely did I ever get a chance to talk. It was always him,him,him. He loved talking about his exes alooot and trashed them alot and yet would say how I wish they were back. WTF?? He blew alot of hot/cold and I mean alot. I never saw his computer but when I asked to be his friend on FB he would immediately change the subject. Hiding something perhaps?? I guess I didn't see the forest of red flags as you call it until it was too late and he was already long gone.
Sugarkane Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Hi Novus I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through this. Reading this it is an understatement that this guy has SERIOUS problems! I hope you don't fall for the deportation excuse! Maybe he should've though about that before?! There are so many things that screamed red flags to me. That he asks to marry you only after a couple of months WTF? Yet loves his privacy and is very secretive. The fact that his parents are abusive and he's turning into his father. My parents always told me if you want to know what someone is like, just look at their parents. This advice has always worked so far. I haven't met anyone who was grossly different to their parents yet. Do you know why his family doesn't even talk to him? He must have done something bad in order for everyone to cut him off. And the fact that this guy treated you like a goddess, then changes and become verbally abusive. MAJOR ISSUES. And even worse that he tries to grab you and nearly hit you, speaks volumes. Can you ever really trust this guy? I think from my opinion all these ladies hitting on him, is all in his head. I don't know you personally, but I know that NO ONE deserves this from anyone. I think this guy needs serious therapy, if he's ever going to change. I hope you never take this Ahole back, no matter what happens. If the deportation story is even true [obsessive liar?] hopefully he will get deported!
bikinibeach Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 I have not posted my story here…yet, this is my first post. Actually, after reading through this again...this IS my story. I still can't believe I gave this guy so many chances....how can someone be so wrong about another person? I allowed myself to be grossly disrespected.This has seriously damaged my trust in myself. TRUST ME honey....i am in the SAME place. a forest of red flags, what a great way to put it. there was smoke in that forest from the first date but i didn't get out until i was already caught in the wildfire. has NEVER happened to me before. don't beat yourself up. learn and move on
Author novus69 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 (edited) NicoleM and Sugarkane, thank you for your posts . What is just amazing is how cunning he was/is, how smooth....without a flinch…. I seriously do question myself now and MY own reasons in all this and what made me stick around…… I was married for 18 years 5 years prior to that to a man that has some very similar characteristics (liar/ cheater) but seemed like two entirely different people ….so there is definitely something about me that I need to seriously evaluate that attracted me to someone like that again….. And no, there is not a chance in this lifetime that I would ever fall for him again and yes, I hope he gets deported (if that is even true….). I just want him to get the hell out of the house that we rented together, which the lease ends by the end of July, and disappear. He gave me some lame story about how he's always been the black sheep in the family because he’s the only one that didn't end up with a degree....and I guess in his 20s he got into some trouble (he's almost 50 now...)...and they are still not over it??...makes no sense....both of his parents are deceased, he only has 2 siblings left, no contact with any other family. Since I’ve posted this initially2 days ago, I found out some more things that are just confirming that I was lied to all along (as if I needed more proof.....). You may wonder why am I even still searching for this s***……I guess I just need to do it for my own sanity….it helps tremendously with moving on and confirming some things in my mind. He claimed he never asked anyone to marry him…..he claimed he only lived together with his wife for 5 years, nobody else…..guess that was supposed to make me “feel special”…. Yet, sure enough, thanks to him telling me all these little stories about his exes I am piecing it together…., I found a sales record of the house which he supposedly rented for himself (and his dogs), however, the house was purchased by a girlfriend. She also searched out his second wife online that he must have hid from her as well and asked her if they were ever married….so she was on to him as well….the house ended up being foreclosed on (public records is a beautiful thing…) so the poor girl was dooped too. There are many other things that I’m sure I could find out but I am giving it a rest now. I’m good ! I met him through work, worked with him for 3 years (different departments), never heard a bad thing about him, he was always courteous, well liked, and a hard worker…..when I finally started seeing him the sparks were literally flying….we had so much in common, it seemed too good to be true…...and the flags started popping up fairly quickly, but by then I had already had entered into the “fog”. It is what it is. Lesson learned. I quit my job because of us….my position did not allow me to date a co-worker, so I found a job that actually paid even better, so that was good. After I left him I got laid off 1 month later….I thought, what else….now it turns out that I can go back to college full-time and get paid while I’m going…….so in the end, this has been a good thing…….and, to give him some credit, I learned a lot from him about exercise, I lost 20+lbs, eating healthy, and how to cook some interesting dishes. So it wasn’t a complete waste of time ☺. Edited June 14, 2011 by novus69
Author novus69 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Thanks bikinibeach, I am most definitely moving on. My loss is my gain
stepka Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 This guy sounds like a sociopath but don't beat yourself up about it--they can be so smooth and charming that they make you think it's all in your head. Clues: 1. lies constantly but sprinkles with enough truth to make you believe it 2. Everyone else is to blame for his problems 3. It's all about him 4. The more you deal with his craziness, the crazier you feel 5. Sweeps you off your feet--part of this is because he knows he has to keep up a facade and that's a lot of work so the sooner he can marry you, the sooner he can let the facade go 6. Doesn't trust anyone 7. Makes you feel really special one minute and like a piece of trash the next 8. Few to no friends--they are a lot of trouble and again, he'd have to keep up the facade, and protect his privacy, etc 9. No remorse for any of this--after all it was all your fault b/c you didn't do what he wanted 10. Very insecure--they don't have a real personality so they create one but it's in danger of collapsing so the effort to hold it together makes them very cranky--they don't seem to know this about themselves so they lash out at others and blame them. Anyway, these people can be very charming and make you feel special and they know just what you want to hear and have no problems telling you what you want to hear but then they fall apart and you're left feeling like an idiot. But. . . . you'd have plenty of very intelligent company. If you want to know more about this, google personality disorder.
Author novus69 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Stepka, everything about your post is correct. Truth is….I have been reading a lot about personality disorders over the last few years, specifically about sociopaths and narcissists…….I’ve taken classes in psychology, sociology, and had, believe it or not, felt like I had some pretty good knowledge in that regard and thought I would see it coming….. To be totally honest….at this point, I am ashamed, I am angry, and I am amazed with myself……it’s part of the process, I’ll get over it. I don’t know if it is because of my failed marriage of 18 years that I thought I could NOT have possibly made the same mistake again, even though I should be a wiser now (?)…and slipped straight into major denial! After all, he “seemed” like the complete opposite of my ex at first…….. Am I really that stubborn that it borders on stupidity not to “give up” on a relationship to the degree that I took it? After doing some serious soul searching, I realize that I stayed in this relationship for all the wrong, and yes, selfish reasons. The universe gave me every opportunity (right in my face) to end this early on. At least I did not spend another 18 years trying and ended it (for sure) after nearly 1 ½ years, which in itself seemed like an eternity.
stepka Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Stepka, everything about your post is correct. Truth is….I have been reading a lot about personality disorders over the last few years, specifically about sociopaths and narcissists…….I’ve taken classes in psychology, sociology, and had, believe it or not, felt like I had some pretty good knowledge in that regard and thought I would see it coming….. To be totally honest….at this point, I am ashamed, I am angry, and I am amazed with myself……it’s part of the process, I’ll get over it. I don’t know if it is because of my failed marriage of 18 years that I thought I could NOT have possibly made the same mistake again, even though I should be a wiser now (?)…and slipped straight into major denial! After all, he “seemed” like the complete opposite of my ex at first…….. Am I really that stubborn that it borders on stupidity not to “give up” on a relationship to the degree that I took it? After doing some serious soul searching, I realize that I stayed in this relationship for all the wrong, and yes, selfish reasons. The universe gave me every opportunity (right in my face) to end this early on. At least I did not spend another 18 years trying and ended it (for sure) after nearly 1 ½ years, which in itself seemed like an eternity. Well what i have to wonder is this: these people have no feelings for others and are very dangerous to the well being of other people. So, why oh why do they have to be like magnets to those they choose to charm and harm? If it makes you feel any better I have a mother and a sis with PD. Life is not easy but at least I now know it's not me.
Author novus69 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Yes, I don’t think intelligence or level of education seem to make any difference when it comes to any of this. It’s been said that we attract what we most fear within ourselves…..I don’t know if I want to completely believe that but it certainly plays a part. I actually at one point told myself “I can handle this”…..to gain what? At what cost? I never claimed to be perfect, but I know I’m not disloyal, cruel, and heartless. The sickest part is that people such as my two exes prey upon your weaknesses (any fears, insecurities, faults, we all have them…), very skillfully dissect them, and completely use them against you, manipulate you, drive you out of your mind, and make you think in the end it’s all you. What is very strange about the last guy…..these are things he told me within the first month: “run” “don’t settle” “I’m a hard person to love” “It’s all about me” “leopards don’t change their spots” He had his moments of honesty and tried to spare me….., I just didn’t listen!!!
Author novus69 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 I had to ad a few red flags that I felt were important: Physical symptoms: A rash – I started a rash all over my face out of no where towards the end of this relationship. Your body is trying to tell you something!! (stress) Stomach cramps – at first it was like having constant butterflies…but after while, what I call signs of anxiety, turned into constant cramp like feelings. I was probably on my way of developing an ulcer…. Lack of sleep – just tossing an turning a lot Trouble concentrating/ focusing – you’re always thinking about this BS$3#$% Lack of energy/ drive - loosing interest in things you used to do Obsessing about your looks - questioning yourself (worth.....yes, it's sad)
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