Lostinlovewithher Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 (edited) So here is the story, I'll try to keep it short if I can. Im 27, my wife is 24, no kids. I'm madly in love with this woman, but things are awful right now. It is at root my fault, but I dont know what to think about this situation, its hard as hell. Back in January, my wife decided she wanted to have a sexual experience with a female friend of hers, and I was part of it. After many drinks, it happened. Unfortunately, I paid way more attention to her friend than I did to her. Being drunk isnt an excuse, but I was extremely trashed, and remember very little of it. I still feel awful, I know that was very hurtful for my wife. I apologized and apologized after it happened, but the damage was done. For the entire next couple of months, things were pretty cold, our once great sex life dwindled to almost nothing, and she was angry much of the time and very depressed. Things were just starting to turn around at the beginning of April, until we had a conversation about what happened that night. I dont even really know what I said that got her so upset, but she completely lost it, ran to the bathroom because she was so upset she had to vomit. I hadn't said anything I had not told her before. After she comes out, she tells me that we are now officially "separated", although she never has moved out. In fact she still sleeps in my bed, calls me "honey", "darlin", "babe" and whatnot, still does laundry and cooking for me, and in many ways still acts like a wife. We still have sex occasionally, and she still comes to me for comfort when she is upset. She still tells me she loves me. She says that this is a trial period until September, when she will decide if she is staying, after she figures out if she can trust me again or not. Here is the interesting part. When she told me she was separating from me, before I knew how it was going to really go, I asked her if she would stay faithful to me, as I would to her. She said she would, but I soon had the feeling she was lying to me. When I got the chance, I took a look at the texts on her phone, and found that she was cheating on me. I confronted her, and she admitted that she had been since March, before she wanted to separate. She swears up and down it is not emotional at all, just sex, and after reading all the messages I do believe her. Its nothing but chit chat, flirting, and the occasional invitation for sex. I asked her why she does it, she says she enjoys the sex because there aren't any bad emotions surrounding it, as there are with me. She even says I'm better in bed, but her feelings really get in the way of her enjoying it. So....I ask her why won't she stop and work on getting past those emotions with me...she couldn't answer. She says she isn't sorry for cheating, and says she can't promise to stop, yet I know she would be crushed if I began an affair like this. So here I am, in this state of marital limbo, while my wife right in front of me goes out with this man a couple times a month. She says if I demand she stop her decision will be made and she will leave. I love her so much, she has so many great qualities, and this is originally my fault, but this is too much to take. One time she left to see him, I was in tears, and she still just walked right on out. She acts as if she is completely entitled to do this. In 9 years of being a couple, almost 6 married, I never cheated on her, at all. I really dont know what the hell to do at this point, I DO NOT want to give up, but I don't know if I can take this much longer, even if it is just two and a half months. It is devastating, and makes me feel rotten on top of my own guilt. If you've got any advice for me besides telling me to give up, let me know, please! Edited June 12, 2011 by Lostinlovewithher
Jonesonaboat Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Your wife needs a wake up call mate. From what you said it was HER that wanted the threesum and then she decided she didn't like it and took it out on you. Okay she might be hurt that you payed MORE attention to the one woman, but I'm guessing that once she saw you with another woman she didn't like it so no matter how much attention you could have payed her, you still would be in the dog house. Your wife seems to be trying to hurt you because she feels like you hurt her, and she's obviously trying to fill some void but she's taking you along for the ride at the same time. Sounds like you have two options; 1. Tell her if she wants to be with you, the afair needs to stop and the two of you need to start working on your relationship. 2. If she doesn't want to stop, then your marriage is over and done with. I hope this helps you mate, you honestly shouldn't have to put up with what you're dealing with and I wish you the best of luck.
Author Lostinlovewithher Posted June 12, 2011 Author Posted June 12, 2011 Yes, it was her idea, but I was certainly up to it. And when I say I paid way more attention, I mean way more....she was really the third wheel. If she did something similar I would be extremely upset myself. I don't blame her for being mad and hurt, but I don't think I deserve what she is doing now. I should have known better than to allow it to happen, she has always been very insecure about her attractiveness (completely unwarranted, btw), and in the early years was very jealous also, for no good reason at all. I couldnt hardly go to the grocery store with her. In the past couple years that really seemed to be gone completely though.
Bryanp Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Hello, I am sorry what you are going through but I am going to give you the blunt truth so here goes. 1. You both need to get tested for STD's. She is putting your health at great risk screwing the both of you. 2. You need to contact a lawyer to understand your options. 3. Your wife is playing you for a complete fool. She gets to screw her lover 4 to 5 times a month and screw you when she is bored. 4. You are acting like a complete doormat. Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat. 5. You wife continues this behavior because you allow it. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. There is no reason for her to stop because you allow it. 6. Why would she respect a husband that allows his wife to screw another man as much as she likes. 7. It really sounds like all of this was her idea. 8. She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? 9. If you continue to allow this then there will certainly be a series of men. 10. Open your eyes and stop being afraid and go to a lawyer. Once she knows you mean business she will either get it or you will be free. 11. Do you wish to be humiliated, disrespected and made a fool of for the rest of your life with this woman? Again - If you do not respect yourself then who will? She is playing you for a fool and you continue to act like a fool by allowing this. Enough is enough!
Maggotface Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 It is not so much advice for how to cope with this situation as it is do you really think your marriage will survive after she gets done having her fun? Will you ever be able to get over what she is putting you through now? Will she ever get over the threesome ordeal? She seems to have a lot of issues that she needs to work out, none of which are your fault what so ever. The jealousy, insecurity, controlling personality, her sexual curiousity (not just with other men but confusion over her sexual orientation as well). I'm sure she does have a lot of great qualities, why else would you be so in love with her and willing to make this work. But her other issues will not just go away on their own, she needs a personal counsoler at the least, marriage counsoling wouldnt hurt either. If there is any way you could bring up her getting help without insulting her or pushing her further away it would help your relationship greatly. I believe if she can work through her own issues she could see what she is doing to your marriage. As for her leaving, I wouldnt worry about it. What you guys have together is security and if she can get away with doing whatever she wants and still having the comfortable lifestyle she has now then why would she leave?
nyc_guy2003 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Ok bro, I'm only telling you this out of love, but you sound like an absolutely pathetic half-man. And your wife knows it.
StoneCold Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 (edited) Ay Carumba where do I start 1) You realize shes holding you hostage right? and this will not all of a sudden stop...it will go on until she gets tired of you, she falls for this other guy thats giving her d*ck and dumps you...or you dump her. 2) Why are you holding a candle for her? Shes toying with you 3) If you really feel like you need to put a stop to this and fix things you need to play some hard ball with her because thus far you've been playing tee ball and you need something big to sober her up. Use her own tactics against her...its beautiful because theres nothing she can say to attack you in response; and if she tries shes just going to make herself look stupid thus givving you more fodder to wail on her with. Its highly deterrent. you said she feels entitled right? Well now you can play the entitled card too. Take her aside just as shes ready to walk out the door to see this guy and say.... "you know what...this is creating bad feelings and emotions for me (her words)....I need to feel good and I've had it up to here with this marriage.... I'm about THIS close to getting some sweet a$$ pu$$y elsewhere unless things change"..... say this with conviction...make sure she knows you're damn serious. Based on what you said about her it will strike right at the jugular This will accomplish one of two things...both positive... a) If she still goes to see the guy at least now you know she doesnt care and you will have some "closure"....and you can either go get that pu$$y and leave, or leave all together...but one way or the other you know you are leaving with a clean concience or b) Shock her right in her tracks...she'll be petrified and unable to retort you because you used her own tactics against her and she now knows shes not dealing with a chump anymore....she'll end it with the other guy and you can start over by putting your selves into heavy counselling..... Personally I wouldnt be open to 3b.....I'd simply leave....or cheat and leave (most likely cheat and leave)...but one way or the other I'd be outtie 5000 with a big smile on my face Edited June 13, 2011 by StoneCold
bigmomma1974 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 I am not sure that I would want to fix a broken marriage if it was due to a cheating spouse. SHe is using you and you are allowing her to. Get a backbone and lay down the laws. Either she stops seeing this OM or she packs her bags and leaves. Your pain and hurt your feeling will not heal if she is allowed to cheat and then come back to you. Is this really the type of relationship you want to be in? She has oyu hook, lined and sinkered your SOL until you get firm and demand some channges. However I don't see her changing.
Maladjusted Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Man....you know she was in the threesome and she was the one that asked for it, right? And that gives her the ok to cheat on you later because you didn't perform the threesome the way that she wanted you to? Give me a break! Do you know the guy she is cheating on you with?
RobD70 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 You are going to have to take charge of the situation NOW and get your respect back. Regardless of whether you want to save your marriage or not you have to do the same thing in order to turn the tables and get control back and for your own sanity. What she is doing is unacceptable in a marriage so you NEED to do what any self respecting person should do in this situation, separate and file for a divorce. You have to put your foot down and show her you will not allow anyone to disrespect you or be anyone’s doormat. Cut her off now and be cold and give her the silent treatment and tell her to find another place to live. You may not want to do that now but believe me, in 6 months you will be kicking yourself for not doing it when you should have. The longer you put up with her nonsense, the more she will devalue you. You can’t love someone you don’t respect and she does NOT respect you right now. In order to earn that respect back you have to put the focus back on you and protect yourself from her. When she sees you will not let her walk over you she will see you in a different light. That being said you need to bail. She obviously has boundary issue and will most likely cheat on you again and again. You have to ask yourself if it’s worth staying with someone who will cheat on you again maybe a few years from now when you think everything is fine.
TigerCub Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 oyi.... She wanted the threesome. first off - jealous and insecure people should never be in a 3some situation because it will never be good enough - they will be jealous and insecure of the 3rd party. 2nd - threesomes with a person you love is just a bad idea to begin with - If I were to ever do it, I'd be the 3rd party, I'd never do it with someone I cared about - I'd never want to see them with someone else. now...the important stuff. This woman is a manipulative bitch. She was actually guilting you and telling you that she needs to figure out if SHE can trust YOU, all the while she's cheating on you - she can go to hell! She's telling you flat out that she's going to be with this other person and if you ask her to stop she will leave - I say let her leave! why the hell are you providing a home and a shoulder for this woman that's completely disrespecting you and taking advantage of you? and why on earth are you not out there getting some for yourself? Like StoneCold said, this woman is holding you hostage. I say nut up and leave her. Don't sit there blaming yourself for what you did in the threeway. Maybe you should have paid more attention to her - but please, the whole thing was her idea and she was way too insecure to handle any kind of threesome to begin with and she's using it all against you now to cheat. Complete bullsh**.
Author Lostinlovewithher Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 Thanks for all the comments, it gives me something to chew on. The reality of the threesome situation was that I practically acted like she didn't exist, I was all over the other woman and left her to herself. Other woman was busy with me the whole time. Now this was not purposeful at all, I went into it intending to have her be just as big a part of it. No matter how you cut it, that had to suck for her. And no, I don't think it excuses what she is doing but I understand how she would be upset, she's my wife and I almost completely ignored her. I have been stuck between just riding it out and telling her to stop or get the hell out for a while now. I know she has an immense amount of guilt over what she is doing. She herself has told me. A few weeks ago I laid into her really hard about it, to the point where she was afraid I was going to hit her (which I absolutely never would). I told her she does this because she has this ridiculous self image issue, and needs the attention to make herself feel better. I threw in plenty of other things for good measure, as I wanted her to feel like crap for what she was doing. She went into self-loathing mode for a while after that. It has been almost a month since she last saw this guy, she still texts him a little here and there but I see that it has dropped off a lot from what it was (I keep very close tabs on her). He asked her out twice in the last few days and she chose to stay home with me instead. I don't know if she is done seeing him or not, but its better than it was. So anyway I think at this point, I'll let her stew in her own guilt unless she decides to see him again, and at that point I will have to tell her that its either me or him. I know who he is, I met him once before I knew what was going on. I wondered why he was so awkward and couldn't look me in the eye that day....now I know. Also...I do think my wife needs to work on her head. She has bad anxiety problems, low self esteem (though she claims it is great), and incredible insecurity. My experience with her is when those issues are not at the forefront, our relationship is great. So, I still think its worth working on but if she goes to see him again she needs to be hit with an ultimatum.
StoneCold Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Thanks for all the comments, it gives me something to chew on. The reality of the threesome situation was that I practically acted like she didn't exist, I was all over the other woman and left her to herself. Other woman was busy with me the whole time. Now this was not purposeful at all, I went into it intending to have her be just as big a part of it. No matter how you cut it, that had to suck for her. And no, I don't think it excuses what she is doing but I understand how she would be upset, she's my wife and I almost completely ignored her.. Inconsiderate? yes... Made for a bad threesome...sure... f*cked it up so now you cant have any hot threesome in the future with her and her sweet friend? you betcha but really dude it doesnt even matter how much attention you paid to her friend....Was the threesome not her idea? Further, It reads like she didnt outline boundaries in this threesome which is something you MUST do as a married couple. No she just said "lets have a threesome..are you game?" and you said "yes".... At that point all bets are off the table and she should know this I have been stuck between just riding it out and telling her to stop or get the hell out for a while now. I know she has an immense amount of guilt over what she is doing. She herself has told me. A few weeks ago I laid into her really hard about it, to the point where she was afraid I was going to hit her (which I absolutely never would). I told her she does this because she has this ridiculous self image issue, and needs the attention to make herself feel better. I threw in plenty of other things for good measure, as I wanted her to feel like crap for what she was doing. She went into self-loathing mode for a while after that. It has been almost a month since she last saw this guy, she still texts him a little here and there but I see that it has dropped off a lot from what it was (I keep very close tabs on her). He asked her out twice in the last few days and she chose to stay home with me instead. I don't know if she is done seeing him or not, but its better than it was. So anyway I think at this point, I'll let her stew in her own guilt unless she decides to see him again, and at that point I will have to tell her that its either me or him. I know who he is, I met him once before I knew what was going on. I wondered why he was so awkward and couldn't look me in the eye that day....now I know. Also...I do think my wife needs to work on her head. She has bad anxiety problems, low self esteem (though she claims it is great), and incredible insecurity. My experience with her is when those issues are not at the forefront, our relationship is great. So, I still think its worth working on but if she goes to see him again she needs to be hit with an ultimatum. Buddy... I really dont know about sticking this one out....but its your call
Bryanp Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 If the OM has a girlfriend or is married then you need to expose the affair to her immediately. Right now the OM must think that you are an absolute doormat and fool to allow him to go out on dates with your wife and screw her as long as he likes. What message do you think you are sending him? You made a huge mistake with this threesome although she asked for it. This happened once. How many times has she now screwed her lover? Probably almost 20 times? What is wrong with this picture. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
nyc_guy2003 Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Thanks for all the comments, it gives me something to chew on. The reality of the threesome situation was that I practically acted like she didn't exist, I was all over the other woman and left her to herself. Other woman was busy with me the whole time. Now this was not purposeful at all, I went into it intending to have her be just as big a part of it. No matter how you cut it, that had to suck for her. And no, I don't think it excuses what she is doing but I understand how she would be upset, she's my wife and I almost completely ignored her. I have been stuck between just riding it out and telling her to stop or get the hell out for a while now. I know she has an immense amount of guilt over what she is doing. She herself has told me. A few weeks ago I laid into her really hard about it, to the point where she was afraid I was going to hit her (which I absolutely never would). I told her she does this because she has this ridiculous self image issue, and needs the attention to make herself feel better. I threw in plenty of other things for good measure, as I wanted her to feel like crap for what she was doing. She went into self-loathing mode for a while after that. It has been almost a month since she last saw this guy, she still texts him a little here and there but I see that it has dropped off a lot from what it was (I keep very close tabs on her). He asked her out twice in the last few days and she chose to stay home with me instead. I don't know if she is done seeing him or not, but its better than it was. So anyway I think at this point, I'll let her stew in her own guilt unless she decides to see him again, and at that point I will have to tell her that its either me or him. I know who he is, I met him once before I knew what was going on. I wondered why he was so awkward and couldn't look me in the eye that day....now I know. Also...I do think my wife needs to work on her head. She has bad anxiety problems, low self esteem (though she claims it is great), and incredible insecurity. My experience with her is when those issues are not at the forefront, our relationship is great. So, I still think its worth working on but if she goes to see him again she needs to be hit with an ultimatum. Ok, I made a mistake, you don't sound like half of a man to me, you sound like a quarter of a man. A shriveled quarter.
Binster Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Your taking on way way way to much guilt for all this, ok you have some blame but it doesn't give her the right to treat you like this. You have to tell her straight. C,mon mate get a grip.
dale_gribble Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 This is called cuckolding... she is cuckolding you my friend.
Author Lostinlovewithher Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Thanks everyone for helping me grow a pair. Tonight she told me that she had plans to see him this Wednesday. I straight up told her that I won't put up with this crap any longer, and it is either him or me. She tried arguing for a while but now has just been moping around with her head hung since I won't back down. She knows that if she goes out with him again this is through, and her easy ride living under my roof is over. I don't know what the hell has been wrong with me, I haven't deserved this, blinded by love I guess.
Bryanp Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Congratulations for standing your ground. You are correct that you do not deserve this. Ask yourself why would you continue to love a person who engages in behavior designed to humiliate and disrespect you and put your health at risk for STD's? It sounds like you are now standing up for yourself. My guess in the long run she will respect you for this. If not, it is her lost and not yours. Again if this OM has a girlfriend or is married it is important to contact that person and expose the affair. She is moping around with her head hung because you will not allow her to go out and screw another man on Wednesday? What is wrong with this picture?
TigerCub Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Thanks everyone for helping me grow a pair. Tonight she told me that she had plans to see him this Wednesday. I straight up told her that I won't put up with this crap any longer, and it is either him or me. She tried arguing for a while but now has just been moping around with her head hung since I won't back down. She knows that if she goes out with him again this is through, and her easy ride living under my roof is over. I don't know what the hell has been wrong with me, I haven't deserved this, blinded by love I guess. Good for you!!! Now just make sure that she doesn't start seeing him in secret. But be really proud of yourself, get the respect you deserve and don't let some manipulative entitled brat walk all over you!
StoneCold Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Thanks everyone for helping me grow a pair. Tonight she told me that she had plans to see him this Wednesday. I straight up told her that I won't put up with this crap any longer, and it is either him or me. She tried arguing for a while but now has just been moping around with her head hung since I won't back down. She knows that if she goes out with him again this is through, and her easy ride living under my roof is over. I don't know what the hell has been wrong with me, I haven't deserved this, blinded by love I guess. baby steps ok...now you have stopped her from doing this in front of your face and making you look like a chump by making you "take" it...but there is no garauntee she will stop seeing him; she may just switch to covert ops. Actually its highly likely that this is what she will do next. Now you have to decide whether or not you should stay. I personally would be making plans to check out. If you do decide to stay know that it would take some heavy work on both sides to over come this...also know that even after this heavy work you may still not be able to move past it and are simply delaying the inevitable. I'm inclined to tell you to leave and have some fun...you're too young to get hung up over stuff like this. But its your situation and nobody knows it better than you do.
Eclypse Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 Excellent work for taking control. Next time she even mentions him tell her she's more than welcome to go see him, but she'll find the locks on the house have been changed when she gets back.
Steadfast Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 If nothing else, you've learned what not to do in (or to) a marriage. By the account you posted, you've basically made one bad decision after another; both as individuals and as a couple. You aren't the first, and won't be the last married couple to experience the pain that comes from tossing your sexual relationship around like a rag doll. You played with fire and got burned. In my opinion she is lost and gone, but what you may not realize is she probably was before the 'incident'. What occurred no doubt added insult to injury but it's plausible her sense of intimacy towards you was already shattered or flawed to suggest opening up your sexual relations to begin with. My hunch is she had it in her mind to cheat, and even though it didn't 'go' as she might have hoped the plan still supported her actions afterward. The truth is, neither one of you are mature enough to support a healthy, happy marriage relationship, let alone fix the incredible amount of damage done to this one. Be thankful you're not dragging children through this mess, file for divorce and move on with your lives. Perhaps in time, both of you will gain the understanding needed to properly sustain a marriage relationship. Stay single and work on yourself before committing again.
Author Lostinlovewithher Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 She slept on the couch last night, I asked her if that was my answer, she said no, but that "Since you're ready to let me go you should get used to it". LOL, I just told her that its fine with me, its ultimately up to her to decide. She doesn't like it when the pressure is on her, and she's acting just as I expected, she is pissed because she knows that now she no longer has control over the situation. I think its time she grew the hell up and realized life isn't all about her and her emotions regarding everything, and she can't beat me over the head for past mistakes endlessly. I told her I'd love to have a future with her, but if she can't give up something like this, she doesn't deserve me. I've been a damn loyal husband, I may have made some mistakes, and been a bit of an ass at times, but I don't have this coming to me. Theres a reason she didn't move out when she decided to "separate", and its more than convenience. She just wants to have her cake and eat it too. I suppose on Wednesday at the latest I'm gonna know for sure what her decision is, and I'm confident she will choose me. If not, then good riddance to her.
nyrias Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 She slept on the couch last night, I asked her if that was my answer, she said no, but that "Since you're ready to let me go you should get used to it". LOL, I just told her that its fine with me, its ultimately up to her to decide. She doesn't like it when the pressure is on her, and she's acting just as I expected, she is pissed because she knows that now she no longer has control over the situation. I think its time she grew the hell up and realized life isn't all about her and her emotions regarding everything, and she can't beat me over the head for past mistakes endlessly. I told her I'd love to have a future with her, but if she can't give up something like this, she doesn't deserve me. I've been a damn loyal husband, I may have made some mistakes, and been a bit of an ass at times, but I don't have this coming to me. Theres a reason she didn't move out when she decided to "separate", and its more than convenience. She just wants to have her cake and eat it too. I suppose on Wednesday at the latest I'm gonna know for sure what her decision is, and I'm confident she will choose me. If not, then good riddance to her. Sounds like a good plan. One thing you need to be careful about is that she may start to hide it, since flaunting it in front of you no longer works for her. If I were you, just kick her out and start fresh.
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