Hopeless_1116 Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 My ex and I have been broken up for almost 4 months....initiated by me after lots of hot and cold behaviour on his part. He was suffering from depression. I tried to stand by him and love him, but I never felt good enough and got tired of never knowing where I stood. Immediately after the break up he sent me an email saying he's sorry for making things so impossible on me and that he hopes he can be as good to me as I have been to him someday. We had LC for the first 4 weeks and agreed to meet at the one month mark to see how we both felt. He cancelled last minute by TEXT message saying that he wasn't ready to see me and that while he loves me very much, he feels our relationship is out of control and that right now he needs to be on his own. I called him a coward for not saying these things to my face and said a few other unpleasant things to him and then shut the door on future communication. Fast forward two months after complete NC, I break down and send him an email telling him that I miss him and still love him and wonder if things could have been different. He replied saying that he'll always love me but he doesn't think it's a good idea for the two of us to get involved again, BUT you never know what the future holds and that he'd love to see me for a drink or coffee to catch up. I said I wasn't sure if meeting was a good idea right now and he insisted saying that we deserve a drink together because we didn't leave off on good terms so we should. I decided to meet him because at the very least, I might get the closure meeting I need to fully move on. We made tentative plans on Friday to meet today. He said we could plan around my Sunday afternoon activity, so I replied saying after 5 p.m. would work for me and to call or text and we'd finalize time, etc. NOTHING....not a word from him. I am a true, pathetic definition of a weak woman. Why I ever contacted him again, I truly have no idea. I would give anything not to have to feel like this again. I am going NC again starting now! I am a sucker for punishment
stillafool Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Don't be so hard on yourself. At least you know where he stands now for certain. Definitely go hard NC this time. If he wants you he would have to make all the effort at this point. Good luck and be happy he didn't waste anymore of your time.
Ultrasonic Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 I would say you would be right in going full blown NC. It's not your fault for trusting someone to change or do the right thing. At this point, the saying "The ball is in your court" should be applied to him. Don't talk to him at all, and should he really care, you'll receive a long drawn out apology and excuse for why he didn't show up. If not......well...then you made the right choice at the beginning of it all.
Karala Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 Exes who blow hot and cold... they annoy me. But then again, I suppose we're the fools for reaching out to them again and again. Oh, it also annoys me how non-commital boyfriends have a knack to make us believe that we are "a true, pathetic definition of a weak woman". We really need to stop putting ourselves down just because we need love, care and attention and we dare to speak out about it and act on it. Don't feel bad about yourself because you put yourself out there and went after your goal of giving this relationship another try. Be proud of yourself that you're doing what you know is best for you - namely, going back to NC with a firm resolution.
Author Hopeless_1116 Posted June 13, 2011 Author Posted June 13, 2011 I would say you would be right in going full blown NC. It's not your fault for trusting someone to change or do the right thing. At this point, the saying "The ball is in your court" should be applied to him. Don't talk to him at all, and should he really care, you'll receive a long drawn out apology and excuse for why he didn't show up. If not......well...then you made the right choice at the beginning of it all. I got at text message last night at almost 9 p.m. that read "I'm sorry for the late response. I had a baptism at 1 p.m. and just got back". A 7 hour baptism, really?! C'mon! No attempt to reschedule and had he really cared, he probably would have picked up the damn phone! I responded back and acted polite and understanding. I even said "if you're lucky we might try to get together again some other time". Wish I didn't say anything at all, but I didn't want to appear bitter. Definitely NC from now on. I'm done waiting around for this guy. Not even a friend would leave you hanging like that and he claims to love me? Actions speak louder than words. Reminded me of how selfish he was towards the end of our relationship and how I always felt like his last priority. I actually should THANK HIM for reminding me that I deserve better. This time I will not forget!!
stillafool Posted June 13, 2011 Posted June 13, 2011 You are right, if he had really gave a damn he would have picked up the phone. Forget him........NEXT!
MidnightinMadrid Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 While i'm reading this,I am applying all the responses to my situation,i too am dealing with a hot and cold guy who keeps standing me up. No not to meet but for him to call,this was an LDR. If everyone says to go on NC you should and so should I. What is the meaning of insanity again? doing the same old things expectign different result.
Author Hopeless_1116 Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 While i'm reading this,I am applying all the responses to my situation,i too am dealing with a hot and cold guy who keeps standing me up. No not to meet but for him to call,this was an LDR. If everyone says to go on NC you should and so should I. What is the meaning of insanity again? doing the same old things expectign different result. I'm sorry you're also going through a similar situation. Hot/cold behaviour is tough to deal with and understand. For me, it took a huge toll on my self esteem and left me feeling vulnerable and insecure, because 1. Everything was always on HIS terms. 2. I felt like I was constantly walking on egg shells until he decided to retreat again. It's horrible to feel this way. When the ex and I got back in touch after two months, he seemed very happy to talk to me and pushed for us to meet and catch up. He said he didnt think it was a good idea to get back together, BUT you never know what the future holds. Those few words that keep you hoping and pining. Don't cling to false hopes....when a man wants to be with you, he WILL LET YOU KNOW IT BEYOND A SHAWDOW OF A DOUBT. I've been NC again for 4 days and I'm feeling good. It's really the only way to heal and move on.
radiodarcy Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 sorry to hear about that Hopeless! but at least now you've been reminded about what kind of person you're dealing with. my ex was the same as your ex: everything had to be on his terms too and i felt like i had to walk on eggshells to make him happy. i cut off everything about myself that he didn't like: my interest in politics (he hated politics); my interest in books and literature (he said it made him feel dumb. never mind that he has plenty of knowledge about technical gadgets and cars that made me feel dumb); he thought my pets were a waste of time; my taste in music and clothes weren't his style. yet, i always asked him about his interests: cars, photography, drum and bass shows. none of those things were my interests but i respected them because they were his. but he could never be bothered to respect my interests. in fact, he told me they were stupid. but let me have said that to him and he would have gone off. yet - - he still claims to be my "friend". what.ever. and really, if your ex knew he was going to be at a baptism why didn't he just say as much and tell you he would call you afterwards? lame. you're doing the right thing by going to NC. just stick to it and don't look back
Author Hopeless_1116 Posted June 16, 2011 Author Posted June 16, 2011 sorry to hear about that Hopeless! but at least now you've been reminded about what kind of person you're dealing with. my ex was the same as your ex: everything had to be on his terms too and i felt like i had to walk on eggshells to make him happy. i cut off everything about myself that he didn't like: my interest in politics (he hated politics); my interest in books and literature (he said it made him feel dumb. never mind that he has plenty of knowledge about technical gadgets and cars that made me feel dumb); he thought my pets were a waste of time; my taste in music and clothes weren't his style. yet, i always asked him about his interests: cars, photography, drum and bass shows. none of those things were my interests but i respected them because they were his. but he could never be bothered to respect my interests. in fact, he told me they were stupid. but let me have said that to him and he would have gone off. yet - - he still claims to be my "friend". what.ever. and really, if your ex knew he was going to be at a baptism why didn't he just say as much and tell you he would call you afterwards? lame. you're doing the right thing by going to NC. just stick to it and don't look back Thanks RadioDarcy! I should have listened to my instincts that were screaming, DON'T DO IT!!! Too often I tend to avoid that little voice deep inside that knows better! But, like you said, at least now I know for sure where things stand and that he hasn't and most likely won't change! NC....NEXT PLEASE! You're ex sounds as selfish as mine. When you lose your identity in a relationship it can only mean one thing - it's UNHEALTHY!! I can't wait to experience a mutually loving, respectful, and committed realtionship.....if they even exist!
radiodarcy Posted June 16, 2011 Posted June 16, 2011 lol i hear you! one thing i have learned if i do get into another relationship is to never compromise my identity for anyone again! what's so ironic is my ex dumped me because he claimed he could never be himself around me. the very suggestion is ridiculous. never once did i ridicule his interests or tell him they were boring. yet he had no problem putting down mine. trying to follow his logic made me dizzy. thank goodness i went NC so i don't have to bother anymore
MidnightinMadrid Posted June 17, 2011 Posted June 17, 2011 (edited) Hopeless,you'll see firsthand that once you decide to leave his sorry a$$ alone,thats when he'l contact you,and when your not interested,he'll contact more. If he does,its easy to say ignore him ignore him,which many of us find it hard to do. However,this is why I have guys as friends bc they give great advice. They said,sure you can respond,but act as though you dont give a ... Meaning dont let him know your upset if you havent heard from him,and better yet,this is from me. Dont make any more plans to meet up,or look as though you want to. I'm saying this in spite of all the going NC which i'm sorry,unless your stronger than half of us here on LS. Its hard to ignore the person you want to be with. However still doesnt mean you should be very available too. Remember most of this advice are from guys,and both of them who dont even know eachother said the same thing. A different guy said go NC for three months,yeah right,sure if I had Brit actor Ben Barnes calling me everyday yes i'll go NC on that BS guy. Hope this helps,in some ways. Edited June 17, 2011 by MidnightinMadrid
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