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Discussion with fOW -Does A happen when we are the most vulnerable ?

East7

By East7
in The Other Man / Woman

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East7 Established Member

East7

Posted
Posted

So I met a very good old friend I haven't seen in years. We lost touch as she moved to another city.

 

We talked about lives, relationships and I couldnt help to tell her about my A with xMW. Then she confessed that the guy she was seeing the last time we were still in touch, was an MM. I knew she was having a difficult relationship with him as she didn't seem happy but I never imagined the guy was married. At that time she just had her Master degree, she was kind of lost, had ended a LTR and doing a crappy job waiting to find a decent one.

 

As for me, the year I knew MW was my worst one as well.. I had just ended a LTR, lost my job due to economic crisis and I was looking for a new one. I lost all my stability, job, my LTR girlfriend... it was really crappy !

Then MW came into the picture, she was kind of a peaceful oasis where I would forget my stress, she was the only positive thing in the midst of the turmoil. She was my life buoy..

 

Then my friend told me about another girlfriend of hers who is jobless and being the OW of someone.

We both came to the conclusion that, from the OW/OM perspective, affairs mostly happen when we are the most vulnerable, when we loose the stability in our life and then someone comes and 'rescues' us..and we loose the focus from the most important thing : that this person is married.

Carrot2000 Established Member

Carrot2000

Posted
Posted

In my case, I ended up in the relationship when I was in a downward spiral. I've said this before and I'll say it again: if my self-esteem had been higher, ex-MM never would have had a chance with me. If I'd been 100%, I doubt he would have had the nerve to even approach me.

pureinheart Established Member

pureinheart

Posted
Posted

I'm really glad you are in touch with your friend...having similar experiences really helps :)

 

In my case, his M was over and I saw that. We met a few years earlier.

 

You know East, I almost always need rescuing, in all fascets of my life...I used to screw up my finances and by an act of God would get called back to my normal job. I'd get myself into bad situations and there would always be someone or something needed to pull me out of the pit that either I dug for myself or one I'd been thrown into.

 

In answer to your question, I'd say that every situation is different. I was in need of rescue with MM (now DM). We built each other up as both of us were very traumatised and in some very dark places. He was a great deal of strength for me.

 

I think we both took the R way out of context, quite possibly we were meant to be friends to build each other up.

Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
Posted
So I met a very good old friend I haven't seen in years. We lost touch as she moved to another city.

 

We talked about lives, relationships and I couldnt help to tell her about my A with xMW. Then she confessed that the guy she was seeing the last time we were still in touch, was an MM. I knew she was having a difficult relationship with him as she didn't seem happy but I never imagined the guy was married. At that time she just had her Master degree, she was kind of lost, had ended a LTR and doing a crappy job waiting to find a decent one.

 

As for me, the year I knew MW was my worst one as well.. I had just ended a LTR, lost my job due to economic crisis and I was looking for a new one. I lost all my stability, job, my LTR girlfriend... it was really crappy !

Then MW came into the picture, she was kind of a peaceful oasis where I would forget my stress, she was the only positive thing in the midst of the turmoil. She was my life buoy..

 

Then my friend told me about another girlfriend of hers who is jobless and being the OW of someone.

We both came to the conclusion that, from the OW/OM perspective, affairs mostly happen when we are the most vulnerable, when we loose the stability in our life and then someone comes and 'rescues' us..and we loose the focus from the most important thing : that this person is married.

 

I believe this is often very true, and certainly worth introspecting.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
We both came to the conclusion that, from the OW/OM perspective, affairs mostly happen when we are the most vulnerable, when we loose the stability in our life and then someone comes and 'rescues' us..and we loose the focus from the most important thing : that this person is married.

Sadly, there are too many who DO focus on the fact the person is married and it makes no difference to the OW/OM, they will still go ahead. Those (a select few) are the ones who don't believe in marriage and feel since the MM is wandering, it might as well be with them than someone else...

Breezy Trousers Established Member

Breezy Trousers

Posted
Posted

We both came to the conclusion that, from the OW/OM perspective, affairs mostly happen when we are the most vulnerable, when we loose the stability in our life and then someone comes and 'rescues' us..and we loose the focus from the most important thing : that this person is married.

 

 

Absolutely true in my case.

 

It was when I started coming to this forum that I began to see a pattern for some of us here -- after we experience a life crisis, an EA or PA seems to pop up on the radar. It caused me to look back and recognize a similar pattern a couple other times in my life. I've learned I need to take full responsibility for setting stronger-than-average boundaries while going through a life crisis, to be wary of people in power who appear to be knights in shining armor, and to be wary of any rescue fantasies I might have.

TurboGirl Established Member

TurboGirl

Posted
Posted

I think it is true - at least for me.

 

The worst thing is that you THINK this A with this person will make you happy and give you something to look forward to, etc., and from what I know and what I've read here it ends up making things worse in the end.

 

You are still you, you still have things to work though, etc., and the better way to go is face what you have to about yourself and your life & work on it, and either A - remain faithful to your partner, or B - wait until you meet an unattached person to have a relationship with.

 

Hindsight is always the best, right? :o

fooled once Established Member

fooled once

Posted
Posted
So I met a very good old friend I haven't seen in years. We lost touch as she moved to another city.

 

We talked about lives, relationships and I couldnt help to tell her about my A with xMW. Then she confessed that the guy she was seeing the last time we were still in touch, was an MM. I knew she was having a difficult relationship with him as she didn't seem happy but I never imagined the guy was married. At that time she just had her Master degree, she was kind of lost, had ended a LTR and doing a crappy job waiting to find a decent one.

 

As for me, the year I knew MW was my worst one as well.. I had just ended a LTR, lost my job due to economic crisis and I was looking for a new one. I lost all my stability, job, my LTR girlfriend... it was really crappy !

Then MW came into the picture, she was kind of a peaceful oasis where I would forget my stress, she was the only positive thing in the midst of the turmoil. She was my life buoy..

 

Then my friend told me about another girlfriend of hers who is jobless and being the OW of someone.

We both came to the conclusion that, from the OW/OM perspective, affairs mostly happen when we are the most vulnerable, when we loose the stability in our life and then someone comes and 'rescues' us..and we loose the focus from the most important thing : that this person is married.

 

Great insight East. I definitely agree with your perspective as it rang true for where I was many many years ago!

wheelwright Established Member

wheelwright

Posted
Posted

I'm afraid it was about love for me. I know it is trendy to find another reason.

 

The economic side of it only served to show how unimportant that is.

 

I would rather be poor in a tent with my soul intact than in a mansion compromised.

 

That has never changed.

Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

Posted
Posted
I'm afraid it was about love for me. I know it is trendy to find another reason.

 

I heart you, Wheelwright!!!!!! :D

Gentlegirl Established Member

Gentlegirl

Posted
Posted

My stable happy life of 35 years and more totally fell apart leaving me virtually alone. It was nobody's fault , just what fate decreed. It left me totally unprepared to face the world alone , very vulnerable and lonely indeed.

 

I do not have any other answer to why a stable, 62 year grandmother , wife and school principal would behave the way I did. I have never done anything like it before and never will again.

 

Eventually the A was even a worse time than losing my husband.

 

Vulnerability and inability to make judgements seem to play a part in why some people have affairs, probably not all though.

  • Author
East7 Established Member

East7

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
I'm afraid it was about love for me. I know it is trendy to find another reason.

 

The economic side of it only served to show how unimportant that is.

 

I would rather be poor in a tent with my soul intact than in a mansion compromised.

 

That has never changed.

 

Ok I am not trying to find justifications. I did love her. Feelings would have happened anyway. Im just wondering (I'm almost sure) if my expectations and boundaries would have been higher. It would have been a crush without necessarily setting for an A.

I'm not making a general rule but I think when our life is stable and have anything we need to be happy, we are more confident and we don't settle for a second-class relationship with a married person.

 

This is not valid for the WS as the WS jumps the fence for very various reasons. Some of them are happy and have everything they need to be happy ! Some are conflict avoiders and instead of trying to work on their M their prefer to find validation and emotionnal connection out of their M.

Edited by East7
TigerCub Established Member

TigerCub

Posted
Posted
So I met a very good old friend I haven't seen in years. We lost touch as she moved to another city.

 

We talked about lives, relationships and I couldnt help to tell her about my A with xMW. Then she confessed that the guy she was seeing the last time we were still in touch, was an MM. I knew she was having a difficult relationship with him as she didn't seem happy but I never imagined the guy was married. At that time she just had her Master degree, she was kind of lost, had ended a LTR and doing a crappy job waiting to find a decent one.

 

As for me, the year I knew MW was my worst one as well.. I had just ended a LTR, lost my job due to economic crisis and I was looking for a new one. I lost all my stability, job, my LTR girlfriend... it was really crappy !

Then MW came into the picture, she was kind of a peaceful oasis where I would forget my stress, she was the only positive thing in the midst of the turmoil. She was my life buoy..

 

Then my friend told me about another girlfriend of hers who is jobless and being the OW of someone.

We both came to the conclusion that, from the OW/OM perspective, affairs mostly happen when we are the most vulnerable, when we loose the stability in our life and then someone comes and 'rescues' us..and we loose the focus from the most important thing : that this person is married.

 

Good question East!

For me it wasn't really like that.

The only thing was I was dating a lot and all the guys seemed wrong (somehow) and none of them were guys I really wanted a real relationship with.

 

Then xMM comes into the pic and he truly was everything I wanted - he was exactly what I pictured the guy I'd end up with to be.

 

Except he was "separated" from his gf and had a kid - I thought, ok, that sucks, but I can still work with that - he has got to be the one ...

 

yeah....we know how the rest of that turned out!!:rolleyes::laugh:

 

but in all honesty, my self esteem was high at the time, I was getting asked out all the time, I felt great, work was well, everything was good, I just didn't find anyone that was really right for me and I thought xMM was that guy, until he went back to his gf (which I actually suspect he never really was separated from in the first place).

 

I'm sorry that you had a sh**y year when xMW dug her claws in ya ;) but I'm so glad that you're doing much better now

 

***HUGS***

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